WRIST SHOTS LITE: KRIS CHECKS IN

I'm assuming that Ms. Timide la puck lapin is going to be traumatized...It's your job to make her feel better.

- I'd rather be a Sabres fan than a Sharks or Montfaux fan right now... The Sabs sucked pretty much all year and didn't disappoint. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They say it's better to have loved and lost...I say it's better to stay in a dark room and drink cheap Scotch and troll for free internet pr0n than it is to have "loved" so-to-speak.

- I almost feel bad for Jesus Price, but then I really think about it and I don't. HAHA HABNOTS! The schadenfreude runs deep in this case. Except for her <--. I feel her pain.

- Have the retarded talking heads always discussed about how the superstars are "taking a lot of [verbal] abuse" or is that new? I seem to remember the same story ie: Ignila last year..Now they're talking about Crysby...Come on, they're pros...they're big targets...that's the bloody job of the agitators. You think that people didn't talk to Wayner or to Rocket Ricard? I'm sure they did even if Ricard could beat the living shit out of you and McSorely was always there to clean up Gretzky's problems, they still talked [The Great One (via PD]. Come on...

- Any minute now Torts is going to jump the boards and beat the living shit out of Avery when he takes an idiotic penalty. It's gonna be off the hook.

- Canadian broadcasters are better than their American-employed counterparts (they're pretty much all Canadians, aren't they?), but CBC and TSN still suck almost as bad as NBC (I don't know that I've ever seen a VS. broadcast). Plus there's so much exchange...Milbury, Panger, cueball McGuire...ugh. Can't they find like 3 analysts that don't suck?

Anyway. Contrary to Kammann, I hope that Philthy wins. I fucking hate the Pens with a passion. I don't know why - self-righteousness (on their fans part, mine is justified) plays a part. At the very least, at least there weren't empty seats in the Igloo (or in Philly for that matter). Sorry Devils fans, but that just sucks balls. And they weren't the worst...I watched some of the 2nd WINGS/BJs (has to be the best contraction of a team-name ever) game and literally 1/2 the lower seats were empty...Of course, the NHL had this as a sell-out crowd. Fuck you Gary. Fuck you.

Further contrary to Kammann - I loved every minute of fantasy hockey (well, except losing to Jeff's KOD squad in the end)...It kept me abreast (that's what she said!) of the happenings of the NHL and made me pay attention to players who I would otherwise completely ignore. Explain to me why I like Corey Perry? He's a little [Gretzky] but he pulled his weight this year for the No Homers and for that I am happy.

Congrats to Jeff. May his Single Malt bring only misfortune and hangovers.

WRIST SHOTS: THE ICE IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

I've had a chance to watch a little of each of the playoff series during these NHL playoffs, and I have to admit: the Rangers and Devils are by far playing the crappiest hockey out of anyone in the first round. The three games so far have been grinding, sloppy, chippy and unexciting, as equal attention has been given to both Sean Avery's jackassery and his goal scoring, and only Lundqvist has earned his cheers . . . which have been most loudly heard in the Devils' building by visiting Rangers fans. Unlike previous postseason matchups between these two cross-river rivals, this plodding series will not go down as a classic.

Everywhere else you look, there is simply more compelling and better played hockey. (Really, Kris, the rest of the hockey has been pretty good.)

* The Predators have just capped off an unlikely comeback at the hands of the Red Wings, scoring two goals in 9 seconds against "The Decentator" in the 3rd to take the lead, then adding an empty netter in a 5-3 Game 3 home win.

Interesting fact: #22 Jordin Tootoo, born on 2/2, has scored 22 career goals for Nashville, and currently has 2 goals (2 points) in 2 playoff games.

* Pittsburgh and Ottawa had a combined 84 shots in a 5-3 Sidsburgh win last Friday, which sounds like an exciting game and a Bettman wet dream. Tonight, they've put a strangehold on the series, going up 3-0.

* The Stars skated circles around a flat-webfooted Ducks team as they won Game 2 by a score of 5-2.

* AARP member/Flames goalie Curtis Joseph was dusted off after Kipper gave up 3 goals against the circling Sharks, and was the beneficiary of 4 unexplained goals by the home team in the 4-3 win. Patrick Marleau wonders where his little brown doggy is after this hit.



* Montreal got an Game 2 OT thriller from Kovalev, but got wicked shawked the next night in Beantown by an OT winner by Marc "Brokeback" Savard, to slim Les Habs series lead to 2-1.

Meanwhile, the news out of New York is "Avery act prompts NHL to amend unsportsmanlike rule". So yeah, the Devils/Rangers has not at all been fun to watch, and this is the shitty icing on the garbage cake. I think I'm done with it unless it somehow gets to a Game 7. However, I see the Rangers taking this thing in 5, as I try to play some golf before the Devils take all the good tee times.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS? THE HOCKEY WIFE EDITION

This is Willa Ford, but you might know her as Amanda Lee Williford-Modano. That's right, she's married to Mike Modano, the all-time goals and points leader among American-born NHL hockey players. She's also put out an album, possibly played football in lingerie once, and was on some dancing show. Most importantly, she appears to vehemently despise pants.



In 1310 career games, Modano has 525 goals, 751 assists, and 1 hot piece of ass wife. Hey, he's earned it.



Second photo courtesy of Stuff, the magazine for guys too stupid to read Maxim (if you can imagine).

WRIST SHOTS: HOW MUCH PUCK COULD KOVALCHUK CHUCK?

Poor Ilya. The guy has the most goals in the NHL (currently 36) and he can't even get enough votes to get on the All-Star team. The real kick in the ass is that the game is being played in his hometown of Atlanta, which as everyone knows is the home of fantastic, die-hard hockey fans. Obviously.

Meanwhile, Marty and Henrik (yes, I am on a first name basis with them) will be starting goaltenders for the Eastern Wales Conference All-Stars. I say we make sure DiPietro is the 3rd starter, score a NY Metro Area Goalie Hat Trick (brought to you by HUMMER). VOTE NOW!

UPDATE: DiPietro was selected, but Tomas Vokoun is in there instead of Lundqvist. And voting has ended already. Oops.

OVECHKIN!

Ovechkin, Capitals agree to 13-year, $124 million contract extension

Now the Crapitals star player can finally upgrade his famously Eurotrashy wardrobe. WTF? After the DiPietro 15 year itch I didn't think anyone would write up a contract this absurd. Yikes. This might put the Crapitals out of business for good. Rob says he definitely won't play that long for them; I predict that in 8 years he'll be playing for the Islanders under coach Rick DiPietro.

I'm happy for goalie's Ty Conklin's hot streak -- he's done nothing but win out in Pittsburgh. Why am I happy, you ask? Because not only is he an American goalie (from Alaska) whom I saw play for UNH, and I felt surpremely sorry for him after his goaltending gaffe as an Edmonton backup as the evil Carolina Whalers won the Cup a few years back. http://cbs.sportsline.com/nhl/story/10569350/ So with the benching of the incredibly mediocre Fleury, maybe the Pens are on the road to respectability? All I know is that it will set the stage for CROSBY TO SAVE HOCKEY ONCE AGAIN. Now I'm genuinely afraid of them come playoff time.

In his neverending quest for pure assholishness, Derian Hatcher of the Fucking Flyers decided to (leave his feet to) deliver a check to the Maple Leaves' Alexander Steen, but instead crushed his own teammate.



That's right: Joffrey Lupul ended up on the IR with a mild concussion and two bruised cervical vertebrae due to Hatcher's douchebaggery. Way to go, shitbrain! At last, a Flyers cheap shot came back to hurt them in a real, tangable way. Oh, and Hatcher also tried to bite Devils' Travis Zajac, but it was deemed "inconclusive". Total amount of suspension = 0 games. I am seriously sick of this shit.

I'll leave you with two words: PUCK BUNNIES. That's all I'm going to say, you can read about the rest on this message board.