T.I.H.™: POLITICIANS (ESP. THOSE WHO WON'T ANSWER A DAMN QUESTION)

Sometime back in the 17th century, political debates were a vital forum for candidates to state where they stand on certain issues, and propose their solutions for the nation's problems (I assume). However, in the current 24/7 news media climate we live in, the whole purpose of these debates seems to be to not say anything of substance, or even answer a question in a straightforward way. These politicians all act like lawyers, making sure they say nothing incriminating, questionable, or concrete that you can call them out on at a later date. The best sound bite that one can hope for is a cheeky comment like the one from Mike "I Heart" Huckabee who, when asked the asinine question, "What would Jesus do about the death penalty?", his cheeky reply was, "Jesus was too smart to run for public office." Oh boy, we've reduced political discourse to a punchline. That's fantastic.

In my attempt to be a good, informed citizen, I attempted to watch one of these "debates", but the candidates' complete inability and unwillingness to ACTUALLY ANSWER A QUESTION was completely infuriating. Here's a sample from the 5 minutes that I recently endured of last week's CNN/YouTube Republican Presidential Debate (the very name makes me want to puke blood). This is taken from the transcript and features the sassy Anderson Cooper trying (and failing) to get a straight answer out of Governor Mitt Romney. (Personally, I would never vote for someone named after a baseball glove, but maybe that's just me.)

Cooper: Governor Romney, you said in 1994 that you looked forward to the day when gays and lesbians could serve, and I quote, "openly and honestly in our nation's military." Do you stand by that?
Romney: This isn't that time. This is not that time. We're in the middle of a war. The people who have...
Cooper: Do you look forward to that time, though, one day?
Romney: I'm going to listen to the people who run the military to see what the circumstances are like. And my view is that, at this stage, this is not the time for us to make that kind of...
Cooper: Is that a change in your position...
Romney: Yes, I didn't think it would work. I didn't think "don't ask/don't tell" would work. That was my -- I didn't think that would work. I thought that was a policy, when I heard about it, I laughed. I said that doesn't make any sense to me.
And you know what? It's been there now for, what, 15 years? It seems to have worked.
Cooper: So, just so I'm clear, at this point, do you still look forward to a day when gays can serve openly in the military or no longer?
Romney: I look forward to hearing from the military exactly what they believe is the right way to have the right kind of cohesion and support in our troops and I listen to what they have to say.

Etc., etc., ad fucking nauseum. He was rightfully booed at this point, which is the exact point I turned it off. Sweet fancy Moses, this stuff is mind-numbing. How the hell are you supposed to decide on who to vote for when no one will answer a question?

Whenever I think I've reached my breaking point with 2008 election coverage I realize, oh my lord, there's ANOTHER YEAR OF THIS CRAP. I have to say that I love all the candidates equally, which is to say I loathe all of them. So I've decided that I'm voting for Hilary Duff for President, which was also my write-in vote for the NY Senate. (Did you know I can't find one single person that I know in New York that voted for the other Hillary? Funny, that.)

As always, the Onion News Network seems to say it best.



Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters [Onion News Network]

"No one party has the monopoly on bullshit . . . "
"I've always been a big fan of Hillary. She's so full of bullshit."

I like how ONN calls their election coverage "War For The White House".

CNN/YouTube Debate transcript [Part 1] [Part 2]

WEEKLY TOP 10: NOW BROUGHT TO YOU APPROXIMATELY ONCE A MONTH!

10. It's been a while since we've seen a cheerleader up here, so allow me to present a (San Diego) Charger Girl wearing a hot-as-hell Halloween costume. Thanks Pro Cheerleader Blog!



Now you know why I'm a Devils fan.

BREAKING NEWS: I was just informed that Katie, the member of the Jills I featured who tried to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots, apparently DID NOT manage to hit it very far. Take it from me: get spikes on those boots. I forgot my golf shoes the last time I played, and it sucked playing in sneakers.

9. The KFC Family Meal has been around for years, and I thought it used to feature 10 pieces of chicken and maybe some biscuits and mashed potatoes. However, it now appears that this artery-destroying caloric monstrosity also includes cole slaw, soda, chips and a chocolate cake. That's right. It's as if they sat in a boardroom and said, "Yes, our customers are fat, but they could get fatter. What else could we possibly add to make this meal deal even more harmful for their health?" "Fuck it, throw in a cake."

8. The news is dire out of Southern California: Hollywood movie and television writers are threatening to go on strike in a dispute over DVD royalties. So this means such entertainment gems such as "Saw IV", "According To Jim" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" will all but disappear? Whatever will we watch? There are only 2,304,985,932 movies/TV shows that I could choose to watch instead! How will we survive? I haven't felt this much panic since I heard that Broadway stagehands, who make an average of $115,000 annually, might go on strike, leaving such literary and cultural institutions such as "Mamma Mia" twisting in the wind.

I have just three words: FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD. You're completely unnecessary. And you can print that, and pay me to option it into a movie.

7. Is there such a thing as natural fiber dental floss? I hate throwing away a foot-long strand of non-biodegrading PTFE every time a bit of food gets stuck in between my teeth This sounds like a simple product to make all-natural (wax and twine--actually, that sounds like it would hurt a lot when I put it like that).

6. Last night, we went to the River Palm Terrace in Mahwah, NJ for ALL STEAKS DAY and it managed to live up to the hype that Rob bestowed upon it. Every last milligram of meat that made up my filet mignon was fantastic. Although I'm a little woozy today because I hit the 'trifecta': vodka, wine, beer. Or more accurately, the trifecta hit me.

5. Weird pair spotted on late night TV: Ron Paul and Sex Pistols. Mr. Paul and Mr. Rotten are basically the same age, and have an equal chance of becoming President, so it's not that much of a stretch. Still, it was bizarre to hear Johnny Rotten giving a shout-out to him during "Anarchy in the UK", a song which may have had some impact 30 years ago but has now been rendered utterly meaningless due to the fact it was performed on "The Tonight Show". Oh, and I'd rather have a chimp interview Ron Paul, as Leno is a fucking dunce.

5. This whole "Stephen Colbert for President" thing has yielded some funny jokes, but it's also a little scary since a surprising number claim that they'd actually vote for him. As it turns out, after choosing the Democratic Party due to its cheaper "ballot filing fee" ($2,500 vs. $35,000 for the Reps), he has been denied requests to be placed on the Sout Carolina primary ballot.

As a rule I don't read NY Times editorials, but I made an exception for Colbert's.

Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick. Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

4. Speaking of not needing writers, The Amazing Race returns for a 12th season on Sunday night, thanks to the cancellation of "musical dramady" Viva Laughlin. All you need to know about that show is this: "It occasionally has the actors break into contemporary song." Sweet jebus, it's Cop Rock in a casino. Anyway, TAR is the only "unscripted" "reality" show I can watch and I'm looking forward to TARXII. More on that later.

3. Here's your NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Indianapolis is 7-0, winners of 12 in a row dating back to last year (including BIG GAME 41), and they're GETTING 4½ points at home. Undefeated home dome underdog? We're pretty sure that's never happened in the history of the NFL. The Patriots have been dickishly running up the score on everyone, but the juggernaut gets temporarily derailed this week as Peyton has a perfect turnover-free day and they win by 10. (Seriously, with the SAWKS winning the World Series, the Celts getting KG, BC being the #2 team in NCAA football, and the Bruins actually playing competitive hockey, Boston sports fans need to be knocked down a peg.)

While the Colts are good, this "Quest For The Ring" shit is awful. Jim Irsay looks like a gay Willy Wonka.

2. Even though the Giants managed to win against the lowly Dolphins, that game at Wembley was completely horrible--LONDON BORING. Also, couldn't FOX find any songs by British atrists recorded after 1983? All they could find was bands like The Clash, The Jam, Madness and The Police (I may have heard Oasis, but since they're musically stuck in 1967, they don't count). What about Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Fatboy Slim, Gorillaz, or Bloc Party? Even the Spice Girls would have been more timely. It was like the British version of Tuney McOldsong.

1. If you haven't seen this game-winning, last-second 68 yard play, featuring 15 laterals and a lot of defensive players standing around befuddled, here's your chance to see it from the end zone view. The aftermath: Trinity University (TX) beat Millsaps College 28-24 in this Division III matchup, keeping them alive a conference title.



Just incredible.

I WILL NOT BE RUNNING IN 2008

Hello America!

I wanted to take this opportunity to declare that I will not be running in 2008. As others have already stated their intentions, I thought it was only fair to inform the American people of my wishes. Running is not something that I have seriously considered, although I may have threatened to do so in the past. Although I frequently go for jogs/walks (more of a "wog", really), I certainly would not call it 'running'. Running takes a lot of motivation and effort, and it's very hard on the knees. As a tall person, it's just not something that I'm well suited for and thus I don't intend to run this year or in 2008.

I was just informed that Kerry announced he was not running FOR PRESIDENT in 2008. Sorry, I missed that little bit of information. (Did we expect him to run? Did we even ask him to?) Well, that changes things a bit.

Regardless, I may as well use this space to also say that I will not be running, for President or otherwise, in 2008. It was a decision that I thought long and hard about over the past several minutes, a decision that did not come easy. I admit that many tears, and clothes, were shed during this time of reflection. I want to thank all my supporters and my family for standing behind me, even though you may have been making faces back there that I couldn't see. Thank you.

Speaking of thanks, it bugs me that some people don't say 'thanks' when you hold the door for them. It's not like I want them to tip me. I'm not asking for much. I say it all the time when people hold the door for me. Well, usually I say 'thanks' at the first set of doors, but if there's a second set I usually mumble so that you only hear the sibilants, and it ends up sounding more like 'kssss'. It's certainly close enough, and I'm sure the door holder gets the idea and isn't offended. But I digress.

In closing, I just wanted to state my intentions without being misleading, deceptive or vague. I also do not wish to be redundant, repetitive, or reiterative. Basically, I will not be running in 2008.

Thank you.