WRIST SHOTS: YEEEEEOUCH!

Since I don't have any real hockey comments today, here's a picture of Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby in a rather interesting pose.


(Photo by Dave Sandford/Getty Images)

If I tried to do that while playing hockey, my groin would completely detach from my body. YEEEEEOUCH! Expect a sweep of the lifeless Senators tonight.

One other note: Greg Wyshynski, formerly of the Deadspin NHL Closer, is over at the Exclamation Point now as part of the elite circle known as Yahoo! NHL Experts blog. Good to see a Jersey boy doing well. If you can, steer your browser in the proper direction (after taking the jughandle) and check out his fine work. (Mr. W is not affiliated with Yahoo! Answers.)

WRIST SHOTS: SHOOT FIRST, TRANSLATE LATER

Whew. The Devils are in. I never doubted it for a second. (Ha.)

Everyone in New Jersey can breathe a sigh of relief, unless they're near the chemical refineries in Elizabeth, where I don't recommend breathing at all. Now Weekes can take on Boston tonight, Marty can sit back with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts, and everyone (except the rest of the league, who doesn't want to face Marty) can relax. It's going to be all right. A lot can change in the next 3 games, but they're currently in the 4/5 matchup with . . . the Rangers. (Uh oh.)

I hate the way teams dog it with 5 minutes left in regulation in a tie game. This is what seemed to happen in the Devils' 2-1 OT win on the Island last night, and the Devils ended it by scoring about 14 milliseconds into the extra frame. How annoying. Joey MacDonald stopped 45 of 47 shots for the Isles . . . wait, who? Is he occasional Isles play-by-play man Jiggs MacDonald's son? Just like seeing a young pitcher for the first time, the Devils couldn't figure out how to beat him until going through the lineup a few times. Sure, it was nice to see them shoot more, but that doesn't automatically mean they're going to score more.

Other headlines: Buffalo still alive for playoffs after shootout win. Is it still April Fools Day? I thought the Flyers were suspended and the Sabres were in the playoffs . . . ? So they've have figured out how to win in the shootout? Now I've heard everything! Maybe someone finally told them it counts the same as a real win, because thanks to Maxim for Men's skills competition goal they are still alive. On the other had, no thanks to his severe dropoff in scoring this year--they might have won enough games already to make it elementary.

BTW, let's take a look at the main Sabre offenders: Maxim and Vanek.

2006-07 Maxim: 23-38-61, +19, 56 games (1.09 PPG)
2007-08 Maxim: 10-18-28, -14, 54 games (0.52 PPG)

2006-07 Vanek: 43-41-84, +47, 82 games (1.02 PPG)
2007-08 Vanek: 33-28-61, -5, 80 games (0.76 PPG)

This illustrates, at least to me, that these two aren't exactly "gamers". Maxim's point production has really fallen off, but how about Vanek's plus-minus? That's a precipitous drop. I'm guessing that the harsh reality of living in Buffalo, with its utter lack of Eurodisco nightlife and acid-washed Levis, is really starting to take its toll on these guys. Meanwhile, Derek Roy has been worth his weight in gold, having a career year with 32-46-78, +14 in 76 games. Regardless of the number crunching, if the Kapital Komrades stop winning games, they might have a shot. So the Sabres are alive . . . just like the Kansas City Royals are still alive for that World Series run.

Montreal has won their division for the first time since 1991-92, as Ottawa continues their choke-job (if they miss the playoffs after starting 15-2, that would be something). However, they have some serious injury issues, and a rookie goaltender, going into the playoffs. I will be visiting Montreal the first weekend in May for a bachelor party (CLUB SUPER SEXE!) and I predict that they will no longer be playing hockey by then. Just a hunch.

In the "dead" column (CBS Sportsline still has them listed as "alive"--WAKE UP!): the Edmonton Oilers, whose milkshake has been finally sucked dry (SPOILER ALERT!) after losing 3-2 to their not-so-neighborly Alberta nemesis, thanks to "two Calgary flukes" (as the Sun puts it, the big babies). They were this season's ultimate tease as they kept their fans (falsely) believing they still had a shot through 81 games and 15 (HOLY CRAP!) shootout wins. At least the Edmonton Sun has a contingency plan to keep their readers occupied: "In Tomorrow's Paper, Tanya Enberg talks naughty in Sex Files." That should thaw things out nicely.

All of this playoff points race nonsense is exactly what Bettman and the league wants: hype. The cartoonish points system that gives away "charity" points gives the illusion that your team is still in it (or about to be eliminated). Like a stripper giving you a lap dance at a club, she makes it seem like she's really into you, and you foolishly think you have a chance with her . . . but at the end of the night you're just tired and frustrated and want your money back. But you might as well lead the fans on to the bitter end, because more fans who believe = more fans who show up at the games = more money. As you know, money based on bullshit is just as easy to spend as money well earned. The lesson is, as always, Bettman sucks.

A faithful reader (thanks, Ashley!) has made me aware of Bon Cop, Bad Cop, a 2006 "Canadian comedy-thriller buddy cop film" (is this a popular genre?) wherein a Quebecois cop and an English Canadian cop relunctantly join forces to solve a string of hockey related murders, which sounds like "Rush Hour" meets "Strange Brew" (okay, that's the only other "Canadian" movie I know). The pro hockey league in the movie is loosely based on the NHL and several characters are thinly veiled parodies of real life figures including "commissioner Harry Buttman", who is allegedly portrayed as weasly as his real life counterpart. I have no idea where I could find this movie outside of Canada (maybe I could borrow it next time I'm in Nova Scotia?) and I'm sure some of the jokes would be lost on me, but it sounds funny. I like the tagline "Shoot First, Translate Later".

WRIST SHOTS: GREAT (DEVIL) MINDS THINK ALIKE

You might not know Greg Wyskynski* but he writes the fantastic NHL Closer on Deadspin (and also for a new startup called AmericaOnline, which allows you to connect to the "information superhighway" via several local dialup numbers at speeds of up to 14.4Kbps on your internal/external fax-modem). I now find that I can't go a day without reading his humorous daily take on the NHL and the world around it, as his funny references and pictures pretty much sum up everything I wish this blog could be. We seem to have a lot in common, as he also hates Bettman and the shootout, and he's a Devils fan (and a Mets fan, Jebus help us both) originally from Monmouth County, New Jersey (we were probably neighbors!). Like me, he's also a little disturbed by the way the Devils been playing. So as I was lamenting the Devils' latest loss and their complete inability to beat the Rangers, I included the following sentence in an email:

"What are the odds the Devils miss the playoffs? They're only 3 points from the cut line, so I'd say 50/50 right now. Seriously, they are looking like the September 2007 Mets right now."

Not 5 minutes later did I read this on the freshly posted NHL Closer: The Rangers Are the No. 1 Cause Of Depression : "They might as well play the rest of their home games at Shea Stadium". That's pretty freaky, but I guess great (Devils) minds think alike. In all honesty, if they miss the playoffs this would be a bigger choke-job than the Mets and the Sabres combined, the latter of which were never really in the playoff picture at any time this season. And if I see Thomas Glavine warming up in the Devils pre-game skate, I am going to jump off the Pulaski Skyway. (I LLOL at the "have another donut, Marty" line. I think he's bulking up for when Bettman cuts the size of the goalie pads next season. Or he carries the practice pucks in his cheeks.)

As for last night's debacle, the Devils dominated early in this game but as usual had fuck-all to show for it (see also: 3/8 @ TOR). Somehow the Rangers end up winning it on a bizarre lucky goal by Devilslayer Nigel "Tufnel" Dawes (I didn't see it, I was flipping and watched Xavier tie their game and beat Huggy Bear in OT instead):

A pass by Chris Drury, who assisted on every New York goal, hit the skate of Devils defenseman Sheldon Brookbank and caromed in on Brodeur. He steered the puck into the onrushing Dawes, on the ice after being knocked down by Travis Zajac. Both players barreled into the crease, with Dawes pushing the puck over the line with his shoulder with 3:06 left.

With his freaking shoulder? Ugh. Yeah, this stuff happens in hockey all the time, but why did it have to be in the Strangers' favor? So not only is this Devils team not getting any breaks, they're also playing like bitches (0 for 25 on the PP). What can I do? Instead of watching the Philthy matchup tonight, maybe I'll just sit in a darkened room and listen to my deluxe edition CD of Jeff Buckley Live at Siné as he sings "The Man That Got Away", which crying into my bottle of Westmalle. Whoa, I'm starting to sound like KSK's Emo Eagles.

/smacks self in face

By the way, Avery For Men is the biggest bitch on the ice. I was forced to watch the MSG feed (the only HD broadcast of the game--thanks Dolan, you dick) and the Rangers production crew must be in love with him, because they showed close ups of him the whole fucking night. After every play, he (gets up off his ass and straightens his helmet and) complains about something, dropping an F-bomb at whoever is within earshot. Every time he's cleanly checked, or flops on top of the goalie, runs into the boards of his own volition--it seems he believes that someone else should be blamed for it. Everyone is obviously wrong except him. He's such a douche . . . but I guess it's great if he's on your team.

What is a Ranger anyway? I understand the Texas Rangers being called that, since they existed, but what's a New York Ranger? Did they ride on horseback through Central Park on their way to the rink? Kris enlightens me: "The original owner of the NY Rangers Tex Rickard. The New York papers started calling the team "Tex's Rangers." Man, that's lame. My only response to that is that I fucking hate Texas.

At least I can Schadenfraude my day away with this TSN front page epitaph for the 2007-08 fallen LEAVES:

It's Over.

Boo hoo! Bye bye LEAVES! As the old adage goes: "It must be spring, because the Leafs are out." Or maybe you like "Make like a tree and LEAF!" Either one works for me. I'm going to out on a maple tree limb, but maybe it's time to get rid of selfish assholes like Darcy Tucker and Mats Sundin who sabotaged the system by refusing to waive their no-trade clauses, thus preventing the team from making any improvements. I blame the ownership, whoever that is. I just found out it's a combination of the Ontario Teachers' Pension Plan, CTV, TD Bank and Kilmer Sports. Wait, they're owned by a teachers' pension plan? No wonder they're a mess. As it is, they are the most profitable team in the NHL, so why should any of the owners care if they make the playoffs? Why mess with the status quo?

In his free time between doing nothing running his business and Photoshopping in "blood splatter" to his Sabretooth-beheading-Devil masterpiece, Kris mentioned something about the Sabres winning a game in Canada somewhere wherein Maxim for Men scored a goal as pretty as his flowing blonde hair. If you ask me, that's the ultimate garbage time goal: when your team is out of playoff contention! He'll probably go on a spree, scoring 7 goals in the final 6 games as they finish 4 points out. Whatever. I stand by my assertion that Maxim for Men can go screw.

NBC has another hockey "Game of the Week" at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning, and guess what? The Nothing But Crosby network is featuring the Sidsburgh Crosbys (against some other team)! I actually like The Kid, but the constant drooling over him MUST STOP. How about giving some attentoin to Lucic or Kane? And would it kill you to show a West Coast matchup? (I've only heard rumors that Vancouver has a team, is that true? There's a British Columbia now?) This Peacock Blocking is because they must get the hoc-key out of the way early to show some crappy non-major golf tournament, in a shitty combination of HD and SD, at 2:30 PM. I'm so sick of this crap. I hit a bird on the way into work today, and although I'm not sure what type it was, I really hope it was related to the NBC peacock. (Actually, I probably would have felt that.)

In other Crosbys news, "♪I see my Maryanne skating awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!♪" As Kris stated, Maryanne Hossa might be literally made of glass; ever since the trade deadline he's been fragile, playing in only 8 games. Oh, Ruutu (who last night overshadowed Crosby saving hockey yet again) might be a bigger douche than Avery, but it's close.

I'll leave you with a lovely shot of a hockey player who truly hates pants. Man, that's got to be cold.

* Yay me, I spelled his name correctly without looking. That's when you know you've been reading too much Deadspin. Check out his book Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer. Thanks again for the Deadspin blogroll shoutout, Greg.