DAD OF THE YEAR IS LOCKED UP

Meet Randy Lewis, a shoo-in for Dad-of-the-Year:

See Randy found himself in a bit of a predicament the other day. He was already staring down 2 DUI convictions, but he had just drank 15 beers and "some liquor" and needed to get home.

Making a spur-of-the-moment decision that only alcohol allows, Randy handed his keys to his son and told him, "get me the fuck home, now."

Great plan, except Randy's son is only 10. Now a 12-year old, yeah he can drive 90 mph (according to the cops), no problem. But at 10, not so much (on the plus side, no one died).

Needless to say, Randy Jr., rolled the vehicle. Not only were Randy and Randy Jr in said vehicle, another 10-year old and a 6-year old were also present as well as Paula Elaine Evans a 38-year old friend of Randy Sr (and probably his sister and lover). Paula had copious amounts of undefined "pills" and she did what every inbred woman would do in her case and started swallowing them so the police couldn't confiscate them.

Now many people are going to say that Randy's tee shirt shows just how deep his problem goes. I say that now-more-than-ever, Randy needs a beer.

Let's hope that Randy Jr learns to drive better, quickly, 'cause someone's going to have to bring Dad beer in the clink when he's doing 5-10 for the various laws he broke.

[WSBTV via Jalopnik]

[Update: The Smoking Gun has the arrest report]

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE INEVITABILITY OF GRAVITY

Rally racing is my favorite type of racing because it's a much bigger test of driver skill than many of the other types of track-based racing. A traditional rally takes place over a few days with varying types of road surface over 100s of kilometers and the driver is totally reliant on his co-driver who made one quick pass over the road at the beginning of the rally and now must guide the car at 100mph+.

Formula 1 is all about which manufacturer has the biggest budget for engineering. NASCAR is based on turning left and driving straight. There are some types of racing that are more interesting, like touring cars and the like, but overall, I like rally racing best (and V-Rally2 is by far the best racing game ever made for Playstation).

One of the other reasons that rally racing rocks is that you always have cars flying into things (or people), flipping upside-down (they generally continue after a helping hand from the crowd - try that with your Toyota!) and other crazy shenangans. However, after this little journey, I don't think that the driver of this Peugeot 206 kept going.



In case you were wondering, yes, I'm phoning this one in today. I forgot about it until just now (5pm CET) and don't have the time or energy to find anything else.

RUBBING ELBOWS

So I chauffeured Monday and Tuesday in La Rochelle. Alstom was launching their new "AGV" which is the newest, most advanced version of the TGV (train de grande vitesse).

The job itself was easy; there were ten chauffeurs and ten cars from our company and basically we had to go to the airport, wait for the private jets to land, avoid the massive amount of security because Carla Bruni Sarkozy was landing just after, then bring the guests the 5 miles to the site and wait until Sarko had spoken and then bring them back to the airport.

Anyway, I get the list of my charges and there's a Mr. Montezemolo arriving by private jet from Rome. I knew this was a big thing - Sarko was there, Martin Bouygues was there, the Director of Alstom [of course] was there, but I didn't know anyone by the name of Montezemolo. After I picked them up, I, on multiple occasions, referred to them as "the Italians" and Montezemolo even mocked me about it - but I was afraid to attempt his name, since I am horrible with Italian names.

Anyway, they get into the car - which was a Citroen C5 (the worst of the worst French cars) - and Montezemolo asked me what it was and then said something to the effect of "French cars aren't too bad." To which I nearly responded, "yeah, but it's no Alfa." However, being the discrete chauffeur that I am; I didn't. I should have.

As I dropped him off someone involved in the organization referred to him as "Le Président Italien": I knew he wasn't "The President," but this piqued my interest so I did a quick Google search on my phone as I was waiting: Luca Cordero di Montezemolo: President of Ferrari and Chairman of the FIAT group. And I'm driving this guy around in the equivalent of a fucking Buick. The assholes who organize this stuff don't find it necessary to give us a tiny bit of background about our charges...I would have made the Alfa comment, if I had know who it was and I wouldn't have referred to him as "Le Italien" either. Oh well.

Needless to say, he was nice enough. We did a little jaunt around La Rochelle before they left, but he didn't (as I had hoped) tip me a new car. Or even a key chain. I did get to drive right up to the steps of his airplane, like they do in the movies.

WEEKLY TOP 10: US-CONNECTION!

10. After returning from a 5 day trip to Maine, I realized that it's time for me to move near the beach. ANY beach. I can't stand being hours away from one.

9. Just like everything else, GM managed to screw up Saturn as well. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of sissified blogulation regarding the iCar, a possible joint venture between Apple and Volkswagen. Personally, I think they're made for each other--both of them preach style over substance, and are overpriced for what you get.

8. I'm Freaking Old Moment #356: I realized that the neck tattoo is not just for prisoners anymore, after seeing an otherwise attractive female sporting a rather conspicuous one. I found it hideous, but I imagine someone out there must like that look.

7. After his much-ballyhooed win at the Douchebag Deutsche Bank golf tournament at TPC Boston, Phillis Mickelson now has a jillion zillion FedEx Cup points, as Rob put it. Way to go, FIGJAM! Even though Steve Stricker has only one 1 tournament in the past 7 years, he's currently at #2, higher than Tiger Woods! Again, what a great "playoff" "system" this is.

6. I have decided to buy a Dell Vostro laptop, because it sounds like an Eastern bloc tennis player. Oh, and because you can get a well-loaded computer at a reasonable price, and there's no "bloatware" (my new favorite word) installed on it. Extended warranty? How can I lose? (Actually, this is one of those rare moments I will actually buy one. I've never owned a laptop, and I guarantee that it will fall apart after 1 day after the normal warranty runs out.)

5. Speaking of tennis, there are only 3 American men in the Top 50 ATP rankings. James Blake and Andy Roddick (and the latter is about to get schooled by Roger Federer tonight) are in the Top 10, and they're not even that spectacular. The other one? Mardy Fish at #41. Yikes. Meanwhile, where is the Russian factory that is churning out these tennis playing girls? (Yeah I know, she lost already, but any excuse to get a Maria Sharapova picture up here.)

4. I'm Freaking Old Moment #443: when asked about the show "The Hills", I realized that I'd never even heard of the show, or knew that it was on MTV for three seasons already. In fact, along with ESPN, I don't remember the last time I voluntarily turned on MTV. Sorry, I'm out of your target demo.

3. I am actually more looking forward to the upcoming hockey season than the NFL season (which starts tomorrow night), maybe because the Devils have more of a fighting chance than the Giants do. In fact, I even know that the Devils play their first 9 games on the road, mainly because of a slew of concerts by Bon Fucking Jovi (that's right, they don't even get to open their own arena). Meanwhile, I just found out that the Giants start their season this Sunday night. Ugh, what a way to kill my interest almost immediately. And that's only the first of FIVE games at 8:15 PM this season. As for the NHL, contrary to the word on the street and what may have been said here in the blogodome, I might actually attend a Devils game at "The Rock", if NJ Transit figures out that new weekend train schedule this fall. There's nothing like live hockey, and I'm sure I'll be sucked in . . . to Newark? Ugh.

2. I'll come right out and say it: I really dislike the work of Kevin Smith. I was even at the legendary Hazlet Multiplex premiere of the original Clerks, and left thoroughly hating the movie. So if you try to sell me a TV show or movie with the caveat "DIRECTED BY KEVIN SMITH!", I will run in the other direction.

1. Have you ever found yourself in France without the means to order a replica of a 1940's Texaco gas pump? Did you ever suffer a summer heat wave in the south of France without a Coca-Cola thermometer? Does your Parisian American-themed restaurant lack that certain art deco je ne sais quoi? Personally, I haven't had any of these problems . . . yet. But if you do, I'm quite certain that there's only one place to go: US-Connection. The authentic (yes, actually made in the USA) American diner furniture looks great, and reminds me of a time when every restaurant wasn't a TGI Applechili's Garden Bistro. And I personally love the decorative enamel signs (if I had my own bar, I would cover the walls with these things). Visit the US-Connection website right now if you're interested!