CLASSIC HOME VIDEOGAMES: RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (ATARI 2600, 1982)

Since it's Indy 4th here in the States (which should be a national hoilday, but whatever), I decided to post the first in a series of tributes to video games that I spent a lot of time playing as a kid. These meant a lot to me growing up, and effected me in some way, probably negatively.

I had the Raiders of the Lost Ark videogame for the Atari 2600 back in 1982. Right off the bat, it was hard to understand and seemed to have very little to do with the movie. As I recall I could only get as far as the Map Room and couldn't figure it out what to do next. This game just made me feel like a dummy. This marked the first time a video game was so confounding that I couldn't solve it (I would later add many games to that list). But since there was no "internet" to help you walkthrough the game, you had to rely on word of mouth and some abstract logic to solve it.

Here's a helpful video guide showing someone beating this classic craptacular puzzle game in real time. I know you've all been waiting for this.



* The inventory system was pretty groundbreaking at the time, listing all the objects you were carrying along the bottom of the screen. Here it looks like Indy picks up his bullwhip, gun, flute (to charm the snakes, duh), key, grenade, clock, hourglass, an ankh, and all sorts of other things I can't remember. You could only use one at a time, though. The other thing that was irksome: the icon on the screen frequently looked different than the inventory icon (pile of coins becomes a sack), so you had to be paying attention.

* I love how back then a grenade was just a single pixel (0:53), and you didn't even get to see the explosion, you only heard an off-screen "beep". Nowadays, videogame grenades are photorealistic and can be used to blow yourself up in spectacular ways in Liberty City.

* Using the grappling hook (yes, that's what that blue circling dot is at 2:40) to get across the desert mesa tops was maddening.

* Ah, then there's the Map Room (3:30). No, not the amazing Chicago beer bar, but the crappy pixelated one that told you where to dig for the Ark of the Covenant. The most excruitating thing about this board was that, just like in the movie, you had to wait for the "sun" to point to the proper place. And wait. And wait. Here it takes well over 2 minutes (FF to 5:38) for the little flashing dot to pop up on the map. Just imagine a 12 year old just sitting and staring at the screen for that long! I didn't have the patience (or probably thought the game was broken) so this is where I stopped.

* You then to avoid the "thieves" in the marketplace who would steal your loot (a board that suspiciously resembled "Frogger") to the Black Market (6:22) to buy a shovel. That's right, guns and grenades are readily available in garbage cans 15 seconds into the game, but shovels are treated as illegal contraband.

* I also love how the bullwhip can break through walls (7:18) which I never knew was possible, and which certainly didn't happen in the movie.

* For some reason he buys three parachutes (8:55)? You lost me. (I guess you could miss and have to buy another, but he makes it on the first try.)

* Now to the convoluted endgame: with the ankh in hand, you have to parachute down to the tree limb, avoid more "thieves" and dig at the proper spot (9:23). Voila! There's the Ark! Come to think of it, it's easier to accomplish here than in the movie.

This guide explains everything up to the Map Room.



What a bizarre little puzzle game this was.

(I realize that I'm the only one who cares about this stuff. Yes, I'm queer for Indy.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark video game [Wikipedia]

JONESING FOR SOME MOVIE ENTERTAINMENT

It's finally here!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will be in theaters on May 22. I have already declared my geekdom for all things Indy, as you might remember. While others might soak up every last drop of news and reviews, I refuse to read anything before seeing it in the theater because I want to go into it fresh and without any preconceptions. Because of the worldwide interwebs, everything gets spoiled and you can't possibly avoid hearing bits and pieces about it (NY Daily News gave it 4 out of 5 stars! The Onion is already making pithy jokes!) but I'm going to try my hardest to filter it all out, akin to shutting my eyes so my face doesn't melt.

So what exactly is a crystal skull? I'm glad you asked. Allegedly, they are pre-Columbian Mesoamerican (Mayan or Aztec) artifacts made of clear or milky quartz carved into the shape of a skull, purported by some to have paranormal powers. Several skulls have been found that were thought to have been authentic, but have later been determined to be of more modern origin (the two main ones, British Museum Skull and the Mitchell-Hedges Skull have dubious backstories). However, I predict that ace archaeologist Dr. Jones will find a real one with psychic healing powers that gives anyone who comes into contact with it eternal happiness, provides the Secrets of the Universe, and as a helpful side effect, eradicates Communism from the planet (not necessarily in that order).

Regardless, it will be impossible to watch this movie without thinking of those that came before it. However, I'm going to be realistic; as I said before, while it can't possibly beat the unrelenting fun of the original Raiders, I hope it will at least be better than the Temple of Doom.

What will today's teenagers think of this latest movie? I'm guessing that because of its nostalgic appeal and old fashioned adventure style that it's not going to be as embraced by that demographic as readily as the first two movies were. It doesn't have the smash 'em up CGI action of a Transformers, the comic book badassery of Batman or Iron Man, or the mystical magic of a Narnia or Harry Potter. However, when I was that age I ate this shit up; fittingly, my 9 and 11 year old nieces were intrigued by Raiders when I turned it on during USA's marathon a few weekends ago, so there is hope for them. Though, I would prefer it if the youngsters weren't in the theater bothering me this weekend. I don't want anything to get between me and my enjoyment of Indiana Jones, dammit. If I had a lawn, I'd yell at them to stay off of it.

Here's the trailer for the movie, which is pretty much all I know about it.



(What? No Nazis? I guess Cold War Commies are a fitting substitution.)

INDIANA JEFF AND THE BLOG OF DOOM

Although I'm a bit of a geek at times, I don't think I'm a "fanboy" of anything. I would never buy any Apple products or Star Trek box sets, and I hate Star Wars geeks almost as much as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog does. But I'm going to admit something: I'm really psyched for the new Indiana Jones movie.

Filming of the 4th Indiana Jones movie is underway, and it just so happens that this week Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford themselves are filming a scene from the movie in New Haven, Connecticut, in and around the Yale University campus. The movie is set in 1957, and they've spared no expense and dressed up a couple of blocks with old cars and vintage accessories to make it look authentic. SPOILER ALERT: they're filming a motorcycle chase scene. But since every Indy movie so far has had a motorcycle chase scene, that's not really much of a spoiler. As much as I'd like to go check it out, sites like the Indiana Jones 4 - Movie Chronicles save me from having to go there myself. Although maybe Spielberg himself will see me, and say, "My good man, I like the cut of your jib, how would you like to be in MOTION PICTURES? Harrison, hit the bricks, we have a new Indy!" Uhm, probably not.

After a 19 year absence it should be interesting to see 64 year old Harrison Ford reprise this role, even if it will be a bit like watching my dad running around fighting Nazis. (However, he looks pretty damn good in this picture.) The original was released 26 years ago and just happens to be my favorite movie, so you can pencil me in to see this in May 2008. There's no way it can live up to the original, but hopefully it will be more Last Crusade, less Temple of Doom. Although Spielberg has a decent track record, after the unwatchable trilogy of crap that was those new Star Wars movies, I just hope Lucas doesn't fudge this up.

So does it make me a "fanboy" because I want to see a sequel to one of the greatest action movies of all-time (and AFI's 60th best American movie)? I don't even know what that word even means; it's just another convenient and handy label, as people can use this to immediately jump to conclusions about you and ridicule you. I suppose it's not enough to just be a "fan" anymore, you have to do it to the EXTREME: blogs, websites, fan fiction, forums, ad nauseum.

But unlike most of these young whippersnapper fans who were weined on the DVD box set, or forced to like the movie by their parents, I saw the original in the movie theater more times that I can count. And of course, I did dress up as Indiana Jones for Halloween. Okay, so maybe I AM a Indy fanboy geek nerd. Look out, it's INDIANA JEFF!