FROZEN TURKEY

We (me) here at the Open Hockey blog try to come up with original comedy, and sometimes it's hard. I usually attack easy targets like dumb athletes and bad marketing practices, which is by nature always negative. But I notice that most blogs/websites nowadays just link to other sites that they like, which is lame and totally unoriginal. As entertaining as sites like Deadspin and YAYfootball! are, they pretty much only exist to link to other sites. So dammit, I'm all for following trends especially if they're based on complete laziness, so I'm going to have to start doing that more!
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Even though my calendar says fall, it's a damn filthy liar! Because the last time I checked, it seems like winter is here already. Yes, it's that magic time of year when your lips crack, peel and fall off completely, and the wind hits your eye like a big frozen pie, as bitter Alberta clippers rudely cross the northern border without provocation or invitation, like Jim Carrey or Alanis Morrisette. It's currently below freezing here in the Northeast, and a rain/snow mix is predicted for tonight and tomorrow, but it could be worse: you could be manning the Mount Washington Observatory. This permanently manned weather station in New Hampshire is home of some of the most extreme weather ever recorded, including the current world record wind gust of 231 (April 1934). Yes, you read that right. Last year they had a wind chill recording of -324789 or something. Great pictures, great journal, great site.
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I heard people were lining up around the block to buy something called an "Icebox 360". What is this? I've got a refrigerator at home, and I don't have to keep buying blocks of ice to keep my perishables cold, I just plug it in and it does all the work for me! What's the big deal? It seems there's always some stupid hot Xmas gift, whether it's a Cabbage Patch kid or a crossbow, that everyone just has to buy regardless of how practical it is.

Oh, I was just informed that it's the "XBOX 360" that everyone is apeshit over. My mistake. Well, I'm just going to stick to my Playstation Tecmo Super Bowl, thanks.
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I warned you about November March Madness. But did you people listen, and get your booster shot? Of course you didn't, you never listen to me!! Well, the madness hit one of the Hawaiian islands hard last night in the guise of a triple overtime thriller with Gonzaga outlasting Michigan State, 109-106. You have to love the Maui Classic, which looks like it's played in a high school gym, must be a great atmosphere. And if you don't like it, you can go outside and you're in FREAKING HAWAII. Anyway, I tuned in with about 10 minutes left in regulation, but unfortunately I got sidetracked by online holiday shopping and missed the ending. Damn you, Jebus!!!

I always enjoy a good Syracuse upset, this time it was a loss at the hands of Bucknell, in the Carrier Dome no less. Last year's tournament was filled with unbelieveable underdogs and classic moments (including the phantom "traveling" call against Villanova to allow NC to advance and eventually win it all), and hopefully this is a sign of things to come this NCAA season. Oh, the sheer madness of it all.
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The way the media is reporting Oprah's long-awaited December 1 appearance on "Late Show with David Letterman", you'd think the planet was going to stop spinning. Although it would be great if Dave exposed her for the fraud that she is, and ridiculed for telling America's spineless female population what to do, how to think, and which books to read, I'm sure it will start off with some good natured ribbing and finish off with some good ol' show biz ass-kissing. I'm hoping that they'll use her for a segment of "Will It Float?" or maybe throw her off a three story building while Crispin Glover kicks her . . . but it doesn't look like that's in the cards.
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People always type "LOL", in IMs or in emails, but are they really laughing out loud? I infrequently chortle audibly, unless there's a particularly humourous Stewie Griffin comment on "The Family Guy", or a wacky cat does something crazy on the newest runaway hit show on Animal Planet, "America's Stupidest Animals". So I rarely if ever type "LOL", but it just wouldn't be honest. But for clarity, I decree that everyone must use the acronym "LLOL", for "literally laughing out loud", when one truly experiences an outburst of intelligible guffawing. It's the right thing to do.
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Lastings Milledge. Lastings Milledge. If I hear one more freaking New York Mets fan saying that they'd better not trade minor league prospect Lastings Milledge to get anyone worthwhile, I'm going to vomit. They're talking like this guy is a no-brainer-All-Star-All-World-Hall-of-Famer, the next Darryl Strawberry (minus the rampant drug abuse). Look, you're not a scout. You never saw him play. You don't know if he can even play in the majors (all you did was read his A ball stats in Baseball Weekly once). You sit in the upper deck, yet still scream at the umps assuming they have superhuman hearing. So shut up already and just enjoy your overpaid and overhyped lineup of Pedro, Beltran, Delgado (who they're apparently trading young first baseman Mike Jacobs to get-ugh), Molina, Banderas and whatever other Latino players will make Manny want to sign up. As long as all this gives Omar Manaya a warm tropical fuzzy feeling inside, I'm happy for him. Whatever. I'm through watching this bunch of perennial pretenders, and I'm just watching golf next summer.

Speaking of, famous Mets fan Jerry Seinfeld was on WFAN with Steve Somers yesterday, making for some very funny sports-related comedy. "Yankees fans are usually well-dressed, confident, always concerned about winning. Mets fans, they have trouble tucking the shirt into the pants. Have you seen Mets fans? They're not a good looking bunch. There's always a mustard stain somewhere."
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If I could be a store, I would be Bath and Body Works. Chicks would love me, and I would always smell great.
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I was in the mall yesterday, the calm before the shopping storm so to speak, so please allow me to (re)state the obvious: Christmas is a crazy freaking holiday. The merchandising money alone that Jesus must make, that could bring anyone back from the dead! But other holidays at this time of year seem to get swept under the rug. Yes, there are a few dusty Hanukkah trinkets around, but they're severly overshadowed. For instance, you never see a Kwanzaa mug, or a "Baby's First Ramadan" bib. Maybe they have them, but they're obscured by the sheer tonnage of Xmas crap that gets dumped into the mall.