IT'S WET AND IT'S DRY! MY MY MY MY!

Sorry, that was just a tribute to Bruce Willis and his Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler commercials, which remain his finest work. I got flooded out the other day, so I didn't get a chance to really blog anything lately. Allow me to explain.

I was sitting at my computer on Tuesday December 13th, feeling jolly and all ready to print out my Xmas card list, when I put my foot down and a puddle of water pooled up underneath it. I had no idea what the hell was happening, and I sat there and pondered my next move. I immediately shut off the computer and unplugged every electrical item in the room, figuring that being electricuted while downloading an episode of "My Name Is Earl" would be a horrible way to go.

It turns out that the flood was caused by a water heater leak. I slept in my bedroom after 24 hours, even though there was still a dehumidifier and fan sucking and blowing me all night, respectively. It was so dry in there, I was chapped in places I once thought unchappable. But it lead me to realize that I need to buy my own place, so I can take care of this nightmarish stuff myself!
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I overheard this on an American Express card radio spot: "All small businesses have one thing in common: they need stuff." Well, that dumbed-down statement is really hard to argue, but it's also incredibly vague, and hardly an exclusive concern of small business owners. In fact, I can think of plenty of other parties who "need things":

teachers
fire
auto mechanics
grizzly bears
windmills
flowers
fudge manufacturers
accountants
pedophiles
space shuttles
fruitbats
orangutans
animatronic talking Santas
wind
toilet brushes
grapes
bladders
screwdrivers
politicians
bar patrons
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RANDOM QUOTES

"How can I say no to the woman who gave me chlamydia?" - James Lipton (as Warden Gentiles) on "Arrested Development"

(For the last time, I just thought I'd mention that it's a shame that FOX is giving up on this show, once of the smartest comedies to come around in a long time. Which means it has no place on regular TV, along with the likes of "Extreme Baby Swap: Nursery Edition", and Chad Johnson's new reality show. That's right, the annoying Cincinnati Bengales wide receiver wants his own show. During an interview he pitched the idea, and this quote was attributed to him: "I'm going to travel to all 51 states to see who can stop 85." Beautiful. I also hear Al Sharpton wants his own sitcom. Well, congratulations America, you deserve to watch that moronic garbage versus something like "Arrested Development", a show with more inspired slapstick, wit and humor than all the other crap network shows combined.)

"Remember: every time you say 'Happy Holidays' [instead of 'Merry Christmas'], an angel gets AIDS." - Steven Colbert "The Colbert Report"
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If Darryl Dawkins can have the nickname "Chocolate Thunder", and Jason Williams "White Chocolate", I've decided while eating my favorite winter time Oreo cookie that I would like to be nicknamed "White Fudge". Thank you.