WRIST SHOTS: LET'S CELEBRATE THE BRUINS DEMISE

Nothing could bring me out of blogretirement faster than an epic choke.

Even though I can't root for the Flyers, how hilarious and Schadenfreudetastic was the Boston Bruins complete collapse in their 2010 Stanley Cup playoff series with the Flyers?  Was it the worst collapse in history?  Being up 3 games to none, and then up 3 goals to 0 in Game 7 at home, I'd have to say yes (even though Yankee fans might disagree).  And it couldn't happen to a nicer fanbase, as Boston "fans" are so quick to gloat about their "achievements", and also throw their teams under the bus.

Selected comments from the Boston.com Bruins Blog:

bostonalex wrote: F*CK THIS TEAM I'M DONE!!!! EVERY YEAR ITS THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Ex-boston bruins fan

Awesome!  Way to stick with your boys through thick and thin, even when they don't win a championship every damn year!  This one is also priceless:

aceshigh502 wrote:

Fire them all. Chiarelli for not making a trade at the deadline, Julien for not keeping them motivated, and most of all CHARA FOR NOT KNOWING THE MEANING OF BEING A CAPTAIN AND LEADER

You KNOW he'd be saying "Chara is WICKED AHHHSOME GO B'S" if they hadn't blown this series.  These are also pretty sweet.  

dreweagle09 wrote:

They will never get the fans back after this. 

They simply blew it. Big time. 

Just when fans were losing interest in the other Boston teams, the Bruins failed to take advantage of the support. 

I love how the Red Sox are one game under .500 and 8 games out in mid-May and fans are already "losing interest".  F*cking spoiled fairweather fans.  (I'm pretty sure the Yanks were 5 games back of Boston late last June--and we know how that turned out.)  

    

ipot wrote: This will be the infamous 2009-10 team that no one should ever mention again.

And I guarantee they just started mentioning the Bruins again when they made the playoffs again in 2007!  Blaming the media is a classic tactic too:

jim2000 wrote:

Thanks also to the never-ending jinxes of the Boston Sports Media who seemed to think the B's had won the series at 3-0. Nothing like giving the opponents some bulletin board fodder, guys.

amazinglarry wrote:

I would like to personally thank Jack Edwards for constantly bringing up the 3-0 in the Series and in the Game references... as usual, the random BS statistic crap he comes up with comes back to bite us in the butt. 

THANK YOU JACK

The Boston sports jinx!  But this is the topper:

dreweagle09 wrote:

Send a clear message to all pro sports teams: don't buy anything from them until they prove that they're sincere about winning. 

Tough economy. Save the money. Watch Hockey East instead. 

There's no other way. The B's have to be dismantled piece by piece if they're ever going to win us back. 

They don't deserve us.

The classic Boston "WE AHHH THE BEST FANS EVAHHH AND THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE AW-AH SCAAAHN!"  

Stay bitter, Boston "fans"!

Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Brian Snyder

WRIST SHOTS: GIVING THANKS FOR HOCKEY

I'm going to come right out and say this, and I know faithful reader(s) of this blog will be astonished by this Thanksgiving Eve admission. But here goes:

I am thankful for hockey.

There. I'm glad that's off my chest.

As I get older, I find that following professional sports doesn't pay dividends like it used to. It was once a fantastic and fun diversion to follow your favorite teams and players, revel over the incredible winning plays and improbable comebacks, and agonize over the crushing defeats and missed opportunities. But it's an emotional investment that I find myself unable to immerse myself in. And after being prescribed medication for high blood pressure, I realized that living and dying with your team just isn't worth it.

However, hockey is a fantastic sport to watch, follow, discuss, enjoy--and get borderline crazy over. It's fast paced with passes, hits and goals happening in the blink of an eye, and team momentum changing just as quickly. Some of the best talent the sport has ever seen is on the ice right now (OVIE! SID! MARTY!), and overall the NHL is highly competitive with every game worth watching and every team having a legitimate shot at the playoffs. It also features actual skilled athletes that are in shape, not morbidly obese men crashing into each other for 5 seconds before resting, chemically enhanced he-men swatting 600 foot dingers, or (god forbid) rednecks driving cars real fast in a circle. It's a true team sport in which defense is rewarded. It's the best sporting event to watch live, and at home it benefits the most from a widescreen, flicker-free HD broadcast. Additionally, there's very little dead time for color analysts to blather incessantly about the previous play, and for showing replays from 14 different angles. It's as close to perfect as you can get (despite commissioner Gary Bettman's endless attempts to screw it up).

The best thing about the NHL right now is that the casual fan has either tuned out since the lockout, or just aren't compelled to pay attention to it anymore. This is the best thing that could happen to a hockey fan. Who wants random people at work talking about the Rangers and Devils in the playoffs who didn't see one regular season game? Who needs people suddenly wearing their team's paraphernalia (sometimes in shades of pink-oh the horror!) only when they're playing well? Not me. I'm quite happy being a hockey fan that only has to discuss hockey with OTHER HOCKEY FANS. I used to bemoan the fact that ESPN and their ubiquitous SportsCenter barely covers the NHL, but now I cherish that reality. Everything ESPN touches turns to shit (Monday Night Football, NBA, sports highlight shows), so I'm happy that they don't give the sport the time of day. This way, I'm 100% sure I don't need to watch.

Yes, I'm thankful that hockey exists, one of the best things Canada has ever invented (along with back bacon, Bill Shatner and alcoholism). HOORAY HOCKEY!

AND LET'S GO DEVILS!

(I had to slip that in.)

Photo courtesy of AP

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)



I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.


What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

DRINKY DRINKY: AUGUSTINERBRAU OKTOBERFEST BIER

Ahh, an Oktoberfest that doesn't taste like candy. Let's face it, most Oktoberfest's are 1) Good 2) Sweet as fucking hell.

I can get Paulaner by the case, but I only grabbed a 1/2 case because it's just too sweet for my taste. I like my beer bitter, sour and light.

For the record I can get Augustiner by the case too, but it costs almost 30% more. My beer store has also stopped running the 15€ case promotion, which means I have to pay at least 30€ per case now. Assholes.

Anyway on with the capsule review:

The Augustiner is lighter and less sweet than Paulaner. Even if the raters on ratebeer.com like Paulaner better than Augustiner, it doesn't matter. They're all wrong anyway.

It was a nice, light straw color. Lot's of carbonation bubbles were present. It had a nice "oktoberfest" taste without the "if-I-drink-another-one-of-these-I'm-going-to-be-sick-for-3-days" sweetness.

Anyway, that's the capsule review. I don't have time for more. I do like Augustiner better than Paulaner. However, I only bought 1 bottle of Augustiner, so now I have to switch to Paulaner.

Banjos, huh?

Umm, I don't really know what to say to this. I guess all I've got is "Banjos"



I don't hate it, btw. Well she gets all preachy in the middle there, but the music part ain't too bad.

THE DRINKY DRINKY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: DUFF BEER

Ok, so "Duff Beer" in the Simpsons is knock-off of Bud, the worst mass produced beer I've ever drank (well at least since Coors Light); but as a Simpson fan and a beer drinker, I think it's one of those fetishs that we all have: TASTE FUCKING DUFF BEER.

Well the other day, I was at the beer store buying a case of my now House beer (Schoenberg or something - don't ask, it's not that good). I was waiting for the cashier to ring up the lady in front of me and looking over the different cases of beer that they added since my last visit and I see a little hand-written sign "Duff: Simpsons beer" and I covered the 3 meters between the register and the display in 1.5 steps. I have no idea how much it cost, I really don't care. I had no idea that someone was selling Duff beer, but figured 'why not:' Fox has licensed the shit out of the Simpsons from Weber Grills to Krusty's Home Pregnancy Tests ("may cause birth defects") (ok, maybe that last one wasn't real) so why not the beer that says "fat and bald men."

Anyway, after getting back home I figured I would do a little research into this product. Wikipedia EN (which is always accurate) told me that my beer was made in Mexico for the South American market. While, I guess it's possible that there were grey market imports to Europe, the bottle itself directly contradicts this with the statement "Gebraut in Deutschland" and the website of the brewer (or at least marketer) www.duff-bier.de. This website enlightened me with the following statement:

The legendary Duff Beer gibt es jetzt auch in Ihrer Nähe!

OH REALLY! Ok, I don't speak or read German, so I headed over to Babelfish:

The legendary Duff Beer now gives it also in your proximity!

Well I guess that answers someone's question about what gives "it" in "your proximity". Ugh.

Next stop Rate Beer where "Duff Beer" gets a stunning 8th percentile in the Pilsner category...wait, that Duff is brewed in Belgium by Haacht (which sounds exactly like the sound I'll make tomorrow morning after drinking a sixer of this beer).

So, with these elements in hand, I can honestly say "I haven't the fucking foggiest idea where this beer came from, it's relationship to Matt Groening and if it has a Dry variant." Honestly, I think that someone registered the brand name "Duff Beer" in Germany (or Europe) and started producing it. I don't think it has any relationship to the Simpsons; but who the fuck cares. I'm going to go back to the beer store soon and buy the rest of their stock (like 2 cases, I think/hope).

Anyway, you came for the review, here's the review:
Painfully mediocre. But not how you think: I would expect a real Simpsons "Duff Beer" to taste kind of like Bud or Miller or Coors or something patently American and this doesn't. Since it's made in Germany they don't put rice in it, so you don't get the crisp, watery (shit) taste that rice-based beers usually bring to the table. It doesn't taste bad per se; although it has a nasty carmel/over-cooked hoppy taste to it. If I had to compare this, I would put it firmly in the generic German "beer" segment; it tastes like St. Pauli Girl or Becks (to compare it to American offerings)...actually a lot like Becks, but with that burnt hops taste omnipresent.

I'll try to get some more of this (like I mentioned) and I'll try to sneak a few back into the US next time 'round.

Anyway, I never thought I would taste Duff and it turns out I haven't. FOX/Groening will probably never officially license Duff (and I assume they'll shut down production of this stuff PDQ), just like they won't officially license "Krusty Home Pregnacy Test," but whatever; as cynical as I am, I am well-aware that, at times, I'm no better than the knuckle-draggers who watch American Idol (you fuckers came for the hate...there's a little taste).

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive (at least until hockey starts up again), I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.
__________________________

Today's link is Stuff White People Like. It's a web site (and now a book) that reads like a user's guide to getting to know white people, and it's funny because it's pretty painfully spot-on fucking true. Here's the full list, and some sample entries:

#125: Bob Marley. During the course of a white person’s education they will go through many phases including but not limited to: “awkward,” “classic rock,” and “being really into a foreign country.” Of these phases, there is only one that all white people are required to go through before they can obtain their bachelor’s degree. It is known as “Bob Marley.”

#18 Awareness. This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges. Because, the only challenge of raising awareness is people not being aware. In a worst case scenario, if you fail someone doesn’t know about the problem. End of story.

#38 Arrested Development. Since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally . . .
If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

#109 The Onion. It is so popular, that every white person home contains at least one book from The Onion. If that home is occupied exclusively by white men then said book will be located in the bathroom. There are no exceptions.

Well, my Onion Atlas used to be in the bathroom but I value it so highly I moved it, lest it get warped from the humidity. So there!

However, according to the official SWPL Facebook quiz app, I'm not as white as I thought I was:

Based on a total score of 37, you are officially 54% white and a card carrying member of the Shorts Group. Firmly in the shorts group.

Maybe that's a good thing. I'm still shocked that hockey isn't on the list yet. (I'm sure it's coming soon.)

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: BLINGEE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

_______________________________

When talking about any truly terrible website or popular trend, a lot of people throw around the terms "a sign of the Apocalypse" and "I weep for the future" around these here interwebs.

But I am not fucking around this time.

Just stare into the soulless void that is Blingee, a site that allows you to "Make Your Own Glitter Graphics And Profile Comments", and you'll see what I'm talking about.

For instance, here's a fan made "Blingee" for the Twilight series of sexy teen vampire movies:






Hurts, don't it? Probably not as much as this one, called "Me And My Cat" (After Dropping A Shit Ton Of Acid)":






I weep for our future Apocalypse.

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GEEKOLOGIE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

Today's link is Geekologie, the self-proclaimed site for "Gadgets, Gizmos and Awesome". It's quite the potpourri of weird links and bad ideas, with posts like:

• Booze Detector Reveals Purity Of Your Drink (pretty useless since it only works on currently only 6 different types of drink, I might add)
• I'm At A Loss For Words: An LOL Swastika (has to be seen to be believed)
• Fail: How Not To Use An Automatic Door (ditto)

And of course, there's always Junior hockey fight.

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: GOTCHA

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive, I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.

Today's link is from KLOV (Killer List of Videogames).
__________________________

I'm not going to lie: I love video games. This is directly attributable to me growing up at the height of the "arcade" era, when PAC-MAN fever was both a rampant social disease and a massive hit song, and just at the beginning of the "home gaming system" craze with the introduction of the Atari 2600 and Mattel Electronics IntelliVision.

What the early video games of the 1970s lacked in overall graphical presentation they made up for in creativity. (The opposite can be said for some of today's games, which look frighteningly photorealistic but can be boiled down to: "hey, let's shoot stuff and make things 'splode"). Programmers were frequently coming up with more alluring and addictive ways to entertain and delight. In their quest for quarters, not every idea was a winner.

Enter GOTCHA, the 4th game ever made by Atari Games in 1973. This simple 2 player arcade game consisted of a simple maze, where the object was for the "Pursuer" (a "square") to catch the "Pursued" (a "+" sign). Each player used an optical trackball to control their on-screen counterpart. Sounds pretty innocuous, right? However, this game created a bit of controversy when it was released.

First of all, let's start with the weird photo of a sweatered preppie stalker grabbing the woman on the waist from behind, which in the 70s constituted "consensual sex". Second of all, take a look at the mammary-shaped controls on the game itself. Apparently, several people who worked at Atari joked that typical video game joysticks looked too "phallic". In response, video game designers decided to create a "female" game that instead featured pink rubber bulges resembling breasts that were squeezed to control the action. The game was later re-fitted with standard joysticks, but needless to say neither version was well received.

Video game programmers must be a lonely bunch.

Reference: Wikipedia (Gotcha - arcade game)

THE OPEN: NOT EXACTLY THE CENTER OF THE FASHION WORLD

I used to do big fuckoff extravagant previews for every major golf tournament, which would only serve to amuse me and pretty much no one else. The 138th Open Golf Championship is going on right now at the Turnberry Golf Club (Ailsa Course) in Scotland, and I felt the need to comment on it. No, not on the actual golf being played, but the hideous outfits that some players have chosen to wear.

Ian "Ministry Of Silly Pants" Poulter has not disappointed, breaking out his usual British dandy fop-inspired line of attire (which sadly, he designs himself).



But the real standout has been John Daly. I can't even look directly at the pants he's wearing today; it looks like someone vomited the contents of a salad bar all over him.



Man, you can't get any worse than that. Unless you consider what he wore yesterday, which makes me just as nauseous.



I don't know if he'll make the cut, but one thing is for certain: Mr. Daly will get pants-shitting drunk after he's done. And the beauty is that you'll never even NOTICE he shit his pants.

LOUDMOUTH GOLF PANTS has all of these hideous golf fashions and more, including a "style" (or lack thereof) they call "Disco Balls". As of today, no one has had the balls to wear these beauties.

I know what you're asking: what happened to Sergio "Los Pantelones Feos" Garcia? In every previous major he's disappointed on the course; now, he's chosen to wear disappointingly tasteful pants. He doesn't even deserve a photo on this blog. How sad.

The only thing I'm going to say about Steve "Laces Out" Marino is: Cleveland Golf makes ski caps? Who knew?



In other words, it must be single malt drinking weather in Scotland. I'll drink to that!

DON'T BE A RETARD: USE OUR PHONE SERVICE

Seriously, you don't have to speak french to understand this ad.



Apparently the Down Syndrome person, Pascal Duquenne, is a known actor in France. But come on...the subtext is blatant.

MICHAEL JACKSON: CRAZY LIKE A FOX

I'm not going to say much: I didn't really care about Michael Jackson in life and don't really care in death.
He did help make a good Simpsons episode though:

Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. [stamps his hand, `INSANE'] Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.

Who know how long this video will last on teh youtubes before Murdoch's hordes come along and tear it down...

BANDWAGON JUMPING 101 HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID I JUST SEE THAT?

I watch Soccer (football of the European persuasion) from time to time. I watch big matches. When I get free tickets, I go see the Bordeaux team (CHAMPIONS OF FRANCE!).

I watched maybe 20 minutes of the USA's match against Brazil in the group matches. I saw a team that was confused beyond belief and watched Brazil score 2 goals (of their eventual 3-0 pasting of the US).

I read (but did not see) that the US had gone through to the semi-final in the Confederation's Cup because the Egyptians were beat up by a bunch of South African Whores.

I knew the game was tonight, so why not watch them lose to Spain.

Spain: Reigning European Champions.
Spain: The #1 ranked team in the world
Spain: The team that hasn't lost in 35 straight games.
Spain: A disaster waiting to happen.

I was out and picked up at 48 minutes, with the US leading 1-0. The Spaniards were pressing. It's just a matter of time before they put one, then two in the back of Tim Howard's net. It was fun while it lasted.

74th minute: Whoa, what's this, the US is attacking. Oh fuck, bad pass in front of the net. Sergio Ramos, controls...Sergio Ramos gets made the biggest ass in sports today. BOOM! Clint Dempsey fucks up Spain with a icing goal.

What? We have to play 15 more minutes...Ugh.

Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.
[1 minute later] Offside USA...Hey wait, that wasn't offsides. The French announcers on Eurosport agree.

What the fuck is going on?

86th minute: Spanish control in front...Bradley steps out...tackles...Ugh...ok, free kick. Oh shit, he's going for his card...Ok, yellow card. Whatev...WHAT THE FUCK. RED CARD? FOR THAT? FUCK YOU! Seriously, that was the weakest red card I've ever seen.

But...The US has confidence now, brought on by a 2-0 lead...Killing time and (finally) 90+3 minutes. FUCK YOU SPAIN.

Now the US will get to lose to the Brazilians again...or not...yeah, they'll lose.

Holy fucking shit.

(UPDATE: This song should sum it up)

THIS BLOG'S (INTER)NET WORTH

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

I think this blog is worthless, but Technorati disagrees to the tune of $2,822.70. You may pay me in alcohol.

STAY CLASSY, COMFORT WIPE + MUSIC!

Ok, a bit of a chimera of a post here, but I've got three things I want to say and it's a hell of a lot easier to do one post:

1. Down Goes Brown has a great post on the "Stay Classy [fill in city]" Trend in hockey.

For that sin [cheering Crosby's injury], Wings fans are taking heat today from the media, blogs, and just about everywhere else.

They stand accused of the one apparently unforgivable sin among hockey fans these days: not being "classy".

Yes, it's time to break out the top hats and monocles. Because while the NHL can forgive fans for being fickle, apathetic, and even just plain non-existent, the one thing we simply can not tolerate is a lack of class.
[...]
This should be the rule when it comes to injuries: Unless the player is laying motionless or squirting blood into the stands or otherwise showing sign of a career-threatening injury (i.e. the Michael Irvin Exception), there's nothing wrong with cheering a big hit. Nobody likes to see an injury, but hockey is a contact sport and a few bumps and bruises are part of the deal.

Amen!

2. If you've never heard of Madrugada you probably don't listen to Radio Paradise. In any case, this is a great song, IMHO.



'Course the guitarist has to go and OD in 2007, so you won't be hearing any more from them.

3. The "Comfort Wipe" has been getting lots of press lately (which is probably making the inventor rich). If you haven't heard of the Comfort Wipe you probably don't have the interwebs (and hence aren't reading this) or you don't watch late night TV. You can watch the unadulterated ad in all it's glory on the Youtubes. For the record I use a backscratcher to get that itch, so why not consider...ok, that's not possible.

Anyhoo, Chris Bucholz from Cracked.com tried to return his for a refund. LLOL hilarity ensures:

CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:34 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?
[...]
CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.
CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.
CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.
CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.
[...]
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
[...]
CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.
CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER
I was using it on the bus.
CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

[BTW, I realize this may be made up or at least exaggerated...It's comedy not Climate Science...oh wait...]

BOOOOOOOOO!

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the Buffalo Sabres winning the 1999 Stanley Cup in Game 6 vs. the Dallas Stars.

Oh wait. That never happened.

Instead, Brett Hull scored the most controversial goal in NHL history, thanks to possibly the biggest officiating blunder in sports history (right up there with Don Denkinger and The Tuck Rule).



No matter how many times they insist that "he had possession of the puck the whole time", it's never a satisfactory explanation. There's no doubt that the NHL completely botched this one. I can't even tell you how many similar goals, with a player's skate in the crease completely away from the play, were called back that season. This was how the rule was originally stated:

"Unless the puck is in the goal crease area, a player of the attacking side may not stand in the goal crease. If a player has entered the crease prior to the puck, and subsequently the puck should enter the net while such conditions prevail, the apparent goal shall not be allowed."

This was such a black and white rule, and enforced as such all season, that to be wishy-washy about it with the Cup on the line was inexcusable. So how did Gary "Fucking" Bettman attempt to defuse this debacle? By announcing two days later that the NHL was getting rid of video review. Video cameras? What video cameras?

"Bettman said the man-in-the-crease rule will stay in place, but on-ice officials will decide whether goals count without using replays. The rule usually disallows a goal if an offensive player has any part of his body in the goal crease."

Of course, he's a complete liar, as the crease rule was eradicated shortly thereafter, and video replay has become an integral part of the game. Since this incident, the NHL officiating has continued to be maddingly inconsistent, especially with the "new" NHL allegedly ushered in after the 2005 lockout season.

While some people consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer, for me it doesn't truly begin until Bettman is booed out of the building while trying to present the Stanley Cup. Whatever the reason fans may have for doing so, this jackass deserves the jeers that great him at every public appearance. At this rate, the next time he'll hear a crowd cheer is at his funeral.

I believe this tradition officially started in New Jersey (what are da fuckin' odds, right?) by Devils fans in the Meadowlands Arena who were irritated that the NHL was talking about the team's possible move to Nashville right in the middle of their Stanley Cup run in 1995.



Devils fans even booed him lustily in 2003, despite their team having just won their 3rd Cup in 9 years:



Thanks to magic of YouTube, we now have the fantastic "Gary Bettman Boo Montage":



Sidsburgh fans booed Bettman last year . . .



. . . and Detroit fans didn't let us down this year.



Those boos cascade down like warm rays of sunshine, don't they? And doesn't Gary look extra "twitchy" with each passing year? One can only hope the cumulative effect is taking its toll on that contemptable troll.

This is it for my hockey posts. It's been fun, and see you next season.

HAPPY SUMMER!

BETTMAN SUCKS!

CONGRATULATIONS PITTSBURGH PENGUINS - 2009 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS

What can you say? The Penguins did it, and in dramatic fashion: they forced a Game 7 and won it on the road (first team since the 1971 Canadiens to do that) to claim the Cup. The final was a hard fought, close match-up, with no little controversy or nonsense, and the clinching game was a one goal thriller. That's all you can ask for as a hockey fan.

As for Sidney Crosby, I am genuinely happy for him, and you can count me as one of the hockey fans who will always root for him. He showed great leadership in this postseason, and let's not forget, he's only 21. Good lord. What the hell was I doing in my 21st summer? Taking a crappy ecology course at Rutgers so I could graduate college on time, and hoisting a lot of pints of Guinness. Meanwhile, this Kid is hoisting the ultimate hardware above his head.

In the end, this team didn't even need him (due to an injury in the 2nd, he only skated one shift in the 3rd), as the defense was rock solid, Mad Max Talbot scored two opportunistic goals and Flower didn't wilt under the pressure, even tallying a nice save against Lidstrom in the final second.

Evgeni Malkin earned the Conn Smythe by doing everything you could ask for in the playoffs (14 G, 22 A, 36 points in 24 games). Wait a second, who is his little Russian friend there with the polka-dotted bra? And honestly, who wears a Winnipeg Jets sweater to a Detroit game?



But hockey is, and always will be, a true team sport. In the end, this Penguins squad overcame 2-0 and 3-2 deficits to win it all without Sid or Geno scoring a goal in the last 3 games. That says a lot right there.

Oh, one other thing: SUCK IT MARIANNE!



The look on his face as the Penguins celebrate a goal is priceless. You can almost hear him saying, like GOB on Arrested Development, "I've made a huge mistake." Obviously, the Stanley Cup favorite next year is whomever he's playing against.

Additionally, not even NBCFUCKINGSPORTS could foul this up, and even let a few f-bombs drop onto their live broadcast during the celebration (yeah, I think they should know by now to keep the boom mikes at a safe distance). Honorable mention goes to my DVR, which allowed me to completely breeze by their intermission shows.

And in spite of the fact that the NHL runs the sport, we saw some great hockey this year. In closing, you have to love this Pens fan's sign: "HOSSA, THE ONLY CUP YOU'LL TOUCH IS ZETTERBERG'S".



CONGRATULATIONS, SIDSBURGH!

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ZUIIKIN' ENGLISH

Leave it to the Japanese to combine "English language lessons with gymnastic exercise programs". Below are two videos that were made in 1992 by someone or something called Zuiikin' English, probably directed by the same person who made the Mr. Sparkle commercials.

I don't think I'll ever understand the Japanese.

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: KIDS IN THE HALL - "LOVE AND SAUSAGES" (1993) AND "SARCASTIC GUY" (1989)

I was shopping in Trader Joe's yesterday, and they have an astonishing array of sausages: pork sausages, beef sausages, turkey sausages, spicy jalapeno chicken sausages, apple chicken sausages, Italian sausages, andouilles, kielbasas, brats--it was mind-numbing, and I stood there for nearly 10 minutes trying to make a decision.

Naturally, I thought of this surreal sketch from Kids In The Hall (which was a genuine WTF moment when I first saw it), entitled "Love And Sausages". I almost did my best approximation of Scott Thompson's "sausages!" wail in the store, too.



It's 7 minutes long, though it seemed longer at the time; I don't think you could come up with a more off-putting sketch to close a show. SAUSAGES!

Okay, if you want an actual "funny" skit, look no further than this skit featuring Dave Foley as "Sarcastic Guy".