A Good Start

I read this little gem on slate yesterday:

"Yet twice in the last few weeks the Supreme Court has considered whether to hear Hamdan this winter or spring, and twice the justices have declined to say they will do so. Tomorrow, they may discuss the case for a third time. Four-hundred-and-fifty law professors issued a statement on Wednesday urging it to grant review."

450 law professors were in the same room? Damn! Where is a fucking terrorist when you need one?! Hey! Guys! Over there! Strap some C-4 to your ass and get in!

Opening Soon
John Maloney is running for re-election to our town council, and to show he's serious, he's outside the supermarket handing out jar openers that say "he's got a grip on the issues" Get it? A grip . . . jar opener? Eh? Ughhh.

The jar opener says "100 and 1 Uses" on the package. Allow me to list them for you:

1. Jar Opener

umm . . . . . hold on I gotta get the phone . . . . . . . . .ok I'm back, uh where was I? Oh yeah, Jar Opener, did I mention that one already?

Gimme an M!
I hate politicians as a rule, but sometimes election season gives us some fine unintentional comedy. Like Barry Popik's website. Barry is running for Manhattan Borough President, an office HIS OWN website describes as: "largely cheerleaders with press-release machines" Way to aim high Barry! If I'm going to elect a cheerleader for Manhattan it's going to be a blond chick with a nice rack. Then there is this nugget describing his views on important issues:

"We’ll ALL work for seniors. We’ll ALL work women. We’ll ALL work for lesbian and gay issues."

Hey Barry, I'm working the women as hard as I can, but you can't expect the gay men to help out there. Then this:

"Vote for me on November 8th you can find me on both the Republican/Liberal Party line."

A liberal and a republican? That means he will only send your 18 year old boy off to die in a war on illiteracy. See more of Barry's wisdom here.

Marvin's Brain - Bigger Than Pluto
A group of astronomers, (whose collective brainpower is dwarfed by Marvin's) have agreed that Pluto is not a planet. Not big enough, they have concluded. Wow, talk about a demotion. And what do the good people of Pluto now say when asked "What planet are you from?"

Well if that's the case, then I demand Plutonium be renamed "littlefrozenballofspaceshitonium".