RANDUMB

Just once I would like to see someone hit David Ortiz with a pitch. Well, as it turns out that's exactly the amount of times it's happened this season. Big Papi, who digs in and crowds the plate during every at bat for the Red Sox, has only been hit by a pitch once. Derek Jeter has been hit 3 times by the Red Sox pitchers alone (8 total). Oh, and by the way, I said it on August 8th and I still believe that Joe Torre should be Manager of the Year, for guiding this deeply flawed and oft-injured 2005 Yankees team to win the AL East.

Why is everything I want always on the bottom shelf? Okay, maybe because I'm freakishly tall, it just seems like that. But more often than not, stores put the "XL" underwear on the bottom, and the "S" on the top. Think, people, think!

I love driving directions that tell you to "turn before" you get to a particular landmark. For example: "Make a right before you get to the old barn." Well, if I've never been there, how would I know where the old barn is BEFORE I get to it? Unless it's a huge landmark (like the Empire State Building), or the only thing you can see on the horizon, this almost guarantees that you're going to make the person have to turn around.

In the completely irrelevant news of the week, Ashton Kutcher married Demi Moore. I couldn't think of two people who deserve to be together more than these two. Now I can avoid all of their work as a couple, to save time. The question is: which one of them just got Punk'd? I think Jay Leno should buy that joke from me, it's that good.

Here's a great headline: Blake Says He Didn't Have Anyone Kill Wife. Because he did it himself! ZING! (Hey Jay, you could use that last one for your crappy "headlines" bit!) Ironically, this quote from the rambling Robert Blake comes on the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson "not guilty" verdict. It's said that everyone remembers where they were when it was announced on TV; as for me, I distinctly recall that I was nowhere near a TV. Yeah, I made it a point to avoid the media coverage of this case, because I didn't want it to effect my opinion of "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad".

President W has announced that he's nominated his White House lawyer, Harriet Myers, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court, even though she has no judicial experience. She was quoted as saying, "Oh no, I'm not a judge. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Buy those last three jokes, Mr. Leno, and you get a discount (I prefer PayPal).