I was going to post this with my previous post, but as far as I know, Gary Bettman does not raise or adopt turkeys, but he does suck.
The Onion's abuzz about Sid the Kid saving hockey with a one-goal, two-assist night. "Commissioner Gary Bettman said, [...] that second assist was a shining example of what this game can truly be—Crosby recognized the screen, found the open man with the angle, and displayed the awe-inspiring talent one associates with a Muhammad Ali or a Michael Jordan. Hockey is surely saved now."
Bettman also acknowledged single-goal, two-assist performances from 13 other NHL players including Chris Chelios, Dany Heatley, and Todd White, but emphasized that, unlike Crosby, they had not saved the NHL.
Thanks to the Onion we are also better able to know who Mike Modano, the recently crowned US all-time scoring leader, is (a fucking Dallas asshat with an ill-gotten Stanley Cup ring -ed).