RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE PENULTIMATE BEER

SABMillerCoors (or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves these days) hit the trifecta this morning. Someone bought an old repro porcelain sign of the "Girl on the Moon" from my store, I some how got tricked into watching that "cat fight" ad again and a banner ad for "Miller Lite: The Ultimate Beer" was displayed on CBS Sportsline (which, per Jeff, will not be linked here).

It got me thinking about a couple of things:
1. Is Miller Lite ever the right choice?
2. What happened to the classy advertising of beer like The Girl on the Moon?
3. Who the fuck would buy a beer with corn syrup in it?

The answer is "Not Me," but that's beside the point. Here's a "Champagne of Beers" commercial from what (I guess) is from the mid-50s. I'm not sure what's more disturbing, how absolutely whipped our fathers (or grandfathers for some of us) were, the fact people thought Miller High Life was acceptable to serve with a "fancy" dinner, or Harry telling his beer that he'd be right back.




The funny thing about all this is that I don't have a overwhelmingly negative image of Miller High Life (Miller Lite, yes; Ultra, yes). If I was in a bar and it was Bud, Coors or High Life, I'd be a Miller Man for one day. Hoo-ray Marketing!

[Update: After checking out Ratebeer (2nd percentile) and Beeradvocate (C), I may just stick with tap water if I was in a bar that had Bud, Coors and Miller High Life]

FEELING AMERICAN AND OTHER BITTER RAMBLINGS

I'm American; always have been and always will be, even if I never actually "live" in the US again (I'll always maintain residency in the US for multiple reasons). Before I came to France, I didn't particularly "feel" any special affinity for the United States of Advertising. But now I do. Being America I have the right to criticize the US; I guess it's like being Jewish. You can make Jewish jokes if you're a Jew right? If not, you can't. Well it's the same thing. Just because you saw an American movie once, or you went on a two-week trip to the West coast three years ago doesn't give you unlimited latitude to criticize a country of which you know little, you ignorant frog motherfuck. Wait, I'm getting off on a tangent here, but as you maybe can see, I'm not a big fan of ferrin' peoples being self-righteous about my country. I'm well aware of the short-comings of the US.

But [getting back on track], since I've been here, I've started liking big American V8 iron (which I'd always hated before), diner-styled products (like I sell, of course), Coke advertising and [good] bourbon (I don't need no stinking Four Roses**). I still think that American cars from the 60s and early 70s are dumb vehicles, I still think that the Ford Mustang is a rather silly car, but I still would like one...I think it has something to do with that V8 rumble and [in the former's case) the smell of good old pre-catalytic converter exhaust. I also want to shove something down the greenwashing, self-righteous, government nannies that are every-fucking-where here, who are moving this supra-government to the point that we're all going to be driving styrofoam cars, using rubber-band transmissions and powered by hamsters. At the very least, I can see them trying to cap power at some arbitrary level like 100bhp.

Oh, another great tangent: The assholes in charge decided to create incentives to reduce the CO2 output of vehicles. I'm kind of confused as to my feelings about global warming, CO2, and Chicken Little, but I am an heavy advocate of reduced consumption whenever possible. So in France they have what's called ecologic bonus and malus*. A bonus means tax credits for cars that produce less than 130g/km of CO2. There's no bonus/malus for 131-160 or so g/km. Then there's increasing malus (fine) after 161g/km. (*There's no word for malus in English, but it's basically it is the opposite of bonus (in the "she's easy, so that's a bonus" sense), but it plays on the word for bad, "mal," in French.)
The new Nissan Rogue (called, charmingly the Qashqai here) has great copy in their new print ads: "Malus Ecologique = Zero"...which I basically read as "Ecological Harm = Zero" when translated from French, although it really just means that you don't have to pay any penalties. Fuck Nissan, Greenwashing twunts. With a 105 bhp on tap, we can easily reformulate the copy for the 1.5 ton crossover. "=Zero"

And back on track: I'm sick of people knowing more about my country then I do. I hate them lecturing me about how a government should run (they should look inward first). I sick of having to provide tacit support to Bush because I get sick of hearing people complain about him...What the fuck do they know? I can hate him because I have a say in the matter...these little fucks, no so much. The thing that bugs me the most is the people who are so ignorant they don't really realize that they're being ignorant. You know what I don't care about? If Obama or Hillary won Nevada or Colorado. This has so little influence on my life. I probably won't vote for a major candidate (that blows their minds too) and even if I do, it'll just be because I hate the other person that much more. Actually, I may have to vote McCain just to piss them off; it's been proven time-and-again that 75% of the French people are aspiring Democrats. I don't even like McCain, but I think I'm going to get a "John McCain, Soldier On 2008" bumper sticker.

Anyway, it's the end of the week and this really just makes me too frustrated to even take the time to try to explain how much I hate these people who just judge based on nationality; we all know that it is only valid to judge based on race.

Regardless: I'll probably buy an old American V8 at some point and I'll drink Jack Daniels at the wheel and fire at pedestrians with my Colt .45. Yeah, that sounds about right. What're the cops gonna do? run me down in the 105 hp cop cars?

For the record, this stereotyping is not a French-exclusive issue. I'm one of the least confrontational people that I know, and I almost busted a pint glass over some faggy Irish-fuck's head a few years back for exactly this reason. I've heard more than a handful of Brits get all uppity over various issues. Why don't you just go suck Tony Blair's dick.

**Speaking of Four Roses, this is strange. I was reading reviews of different Bourbons on BourbonEnthusiast.com and for some reason Four Roses polls very high..Lowered expectations? Maybe it actually is quite good and I just assumed it would be bad...Strange. Based on this maybe I'll retry a bottle; what's the worst that could happen? I would have to give it to people with Coke?...I'll take that chance.

THE TIMELESS BILL HICKS

According to the latest OH BLOG poll results, our readers love the broads (1st place with 30%) but could use some more hate (2nd place with 23%). What better person to deliver it than the late, great Bill Hicks. I'd like to think that he embodies everything that we believe here at Open Hockey (from the Eye-Opener Family of Hate Blogs): we hate because we care. (Or something like that.) Even though he died in 1994, the social and political targets he attacks with his intense, vitriolic comedy style are just as applicable today.

Obviously, these clips are NSFFW (Not Safe For Fucking Work).

Here's a clip of him talking about how he wants his rock stars dead instead of clean cut and mediocre.

Bill Hicks "Play From Your Fucking Heart" [YouTube]



This is his classic rant about marketing. "I know what all the marketing people are saying: 'He's going for that anti-marketing dollar, that's a good market.'"

Bill Hicks "Advertising & Marketing "[YouTube]



In one of his last interviews (late 1993), he talks about being cut from "Late Show with David Letterman". "[My 'pro-life' material was considered] not suitable for the David Letterman audience. But when I'm not ON the show, I'm a member of the Letterman audience. So therefore, my material is not suitable FOR ME. What a predicament."

Bill Hicks interview from 1993 [YouTube]



I could have put 100 clips up here, because in my opinion you can never have enough Bill Hicks.