Friday, March 7, 2008


I'm American; always have been and always will be, even if I never actually "live" in the US again (I'll always maintain residency in the US for multiple reasons). Before I came to France, I didn't particularly "feel" any special affinity for the United States of Advertising. But now I do. Being America I have the right to criticize the US; I guess it's like being Jewish. You can make Jewish jokes if you're a Jew right? If not, you can't. Well it's the same thing. Just because you saw an American movie once, or you went on a two-week trip to the West coast three years ago doesn't give you unlimited latitude to criticize a country of which you know little, you ignorant frog motherfuck. Wait, I'm getting off on a tangent here, but as you maybe can see, I'm not a big fan of ferrin' peoples being self-righteous about my country. I'm well aware of the short-comings of the US.

But [getting back on track], since I've been here, I've started liking big American V8 iron (which I'd always hated before), diner-styled products (like I sell, of course), Coke advertising and [good] bourbon (I don't need no stinking Four Roses**). I still think that American cars from the 60s and early 70s are dumb vehicles, I still think that the Ford Mustang is a rather silly car, but I still would like one...I think it has something to do with that V8 rumble and [in the former's case) the smell of good old pre-catalytic converter exhaust. I also want to shove something down the greenwashing, self-righteous, government nannies that are every-fucking-where here, who are moving this supra-government to the point that we're all going to be driving styrofoam cars, using rubber-band transmissions and powered by hamsters. At the very least, I can see them trying to cap power at some arbitrary level like 100bhp.

Oh, another great tangent: The assholes in charge decided to create incentives to reduce the CO2 output of vehicles. I'm kind of confused as to my feelings about global warming, CO2, and Chicken Little, but I am an heavy advocate of reduced consumption whenever possible. So in France they have what's called ecologic bonus and malus*. A bonus means tax credits for cars that produce less than 130g/km of CO2. There's no bonus/malus for 131-160 or so g/km. Then there's increasing malus (fine) after 161g/km. (*There's no word for malus in English, but it's basically it is the opposite of bonus (in the "she's easy, so that's a bonus" sense), but it plays on the word for bad, "mal," in French.)
The new Nissan Rogue (called, charmingly the Qashqai here) has great copy in their new print ads: "Malus Ecologique = Zero"...which I basically read as "Ecological Harm = Zero" when translated from French, although it really just means that you don't have to pay any penalties. Fuck Nissan, Greenwashing twunts. With a 105 bhp on tap, we can easily reformulate the copy for the 1.5 ton crossover. "=Zero"

And back on track: I'm sick of people knowing more about my country then I do. I hate them lecturing me about how a government should run (they should look inward first). I sick of having to provide tacit support to Bush because I get sick of hearing people complain about him...What the fuck do they know? I can hate him because I have a say in the matter...these little fucks, no so much. The thing that bugs me the most is the people who are so ignorant they don't really realize that they're being ignorant. You know what I don't care about? If Obama or Hillary won Nevada or Colorado. This has so little influence on my life. I probably won't vote for a major candidate (that blows their minds too) and even if I do, it'll just be because I hate the other person that much more. Actually, I may have to vote McCain just to piss them off; it's been proven time-and-again that 75% of the French people are aspiring Democrats. I don't even like McCain, but I think I'm going to get a "John McCain, Soldier On 2008" bumper sticker.

Anyway, it's the end of the week and this really just makes me too frustrated to even take the time to try to explain how much I hate these people who just judge based on nationality; we all know that it is only valid to judge based on race.

Regardless: I'll probably buy an old American V8 at some point and I'll drink Jack Daniels at the wheel and fire at pedestrians with my Colt .45. Yeah, that sounds about right. What're the cops gonna do? run me down in the 105 hp cop cars?

For the record, this stereotyping is not a French-exclusive issue. I'm one of the least confrontational people that I know, and I almost busted a pint glass over some faggy Irish-fuck's head a few years back for exactly this reason. I've heard more than a handful of Brits get all uppity over various issues. Why don't you just go suck Tony Blair's dick.

**Speaking of Four Roses, this is strange. I was reading reviews of different Bourbons on and for some reason Four Roses polls very high..Lowered expectations? Maybe it actually is quite good and I just assumed it would be bad...Strange. Based on this maybe I'll retry a bottle; what's the worst that could happen? I would have to give it to people with Coke?...I'll take that chance.

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