DEAR JOHN STEWART, DEAR STEPHEN COLBERT,

FUCK YOU, YOU ASS JOCKEYS.



















For the record I realize this is probably not their, personal decision, but it doesn't matter. I can blame whomever I want.

Bittorrent, here I come.

EPIC FUCKING FAIL

WRIST SHOTS LITE II: ADDITION BY SUBTRACTION

Yes, the Caps are now a better team that The Donald is sitting for 6 games. I actually had a couple of things that I wanted to say that I forgot to say the other day.

- You can never have enough puck bunnies on a blog. Congrats to the Hawks on making her (--->) the happiest person on this blog today.

- Brashear doesn't not deserve to be suspended, but he does not deserve (still with me) to be suspended 5 games for that Blair Betts hit. I'm as neutral as you're going to find on this. I like OVIE, but I do support the Rangers generally against any West Coast team, and most of the East. It was late, it was dirty and like Jeff said yesterday

One of the commenters makes a great point: Brashear was actually going after Voros, who had just cleanly checked him, but as he turned and skated towards him, Voros went to the bench. So to get the "BRASHEAR SMASH!" voice out of his head, he had to hit SOMEONE, and that lucky someone was Betts.

In summary, Brashear = No discernible hockey talent. But that hit does not equal 5 games, when Stampy Pronger has done much worse and gets one game max. In some cases (Cammalleri & Carcillo) the "reputation" of a player can/should have some incidence on the final penalty, but Stampy stamps and Brashear Smashes and while the crimes are similar (IMHO) the penalties are not.
I do not feel that a players injury (or lack there of) is grounds for determining the penalty. The intention is more important. Pronger, when he stamped on Kesler's leg, was looking to hurt someone in a way that is significantly worse than The Donald trying to just get the "HIT SOMETHING" voice out of his head. Let's be honest, he didn't even get his elbow into it - it was all shoulder (still illegal, of course, for it's lateness).

The league is making supplemental discipline a joke. You never know from one day to another what's going to happen. There's no consistency and they've made it quite clear that they will not suspend a key player for longer than a game no matter the offense. Like I said, Donnie deserves to be suspended and I'm not going to lose any sleep over the 5 games for him, but I think it's just one more incident that the league basically says "fuck if we know what we're doing." I think the great Wysskshisksisksisksi mentioned this a couple of days/weeks back, but they may as well have Maggie the Puck Monkey spin a wheel on suspensions in the playoffs - it'd at least be as consistent as Colin "don't call me a Colon" Campbell.

- The Sabres needed a change in coaching. I'm the first one to say that I like Lindy. I think he's a great coach. I think he's an intelligent guy and all that shit and yes I like his presence behind the bench, but let's face it - in 11 years he's got nothing to show for it. They lost to the league's incompetence in 1999, they lost in 2006 because of, among other things, 5 starting defensemen going down in the Conference finals and it's been freefall since then.

Lindy does not seem to be able to say to these guys "yeah, Danny and Chrissy were good leaders, but you fucking cunts need to pick up your game and prove that you don't all have manginas." He needs to find a way to convince these guys that it's their team to run now. It's like your neighbor who's husband cheated on her 10 years ago and she's still complaining about how it ruined her life. Nope, you're ruining your life by focusing on it. The only way to save the patient is to cut out part of the disease. It should have been "goodbye Lindy." I'll be happy to eat my words in May 2010, but I don't think I'll have to.

- In the same vein - how is Darcy Reiger still in charge up there? I don't focus on the GM as much as the coach, but this is the guy that let Briere, Drury and Campbell slip away in recent years still there. I don't think that Briere and Campbell are that big of a deal, but as I said back then, Drury was the guy they needed to keep. Yes, they've stepped up lately, signing Miller long term, matching the Oil's offer sheet on Vanek (which they had absolutely no choice, but to do - Reiger would've been tarred, feathered and burnt at the stake had he let that slip away). But they also seem to be terrified now of letting the next Drury get away; signing Hecht through 2012 (at 3-point-what million?) and now locking down Crystal Tim through 2011. I don't know. I think the Sabres needed to get some spring cleaning done and have total regime change.

Anyway: we're stuck with Lindy and Darcy (what the [Gretzky] is it with "y" names up there?) for at least another year. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

- Last point. Lindy's probably going to lead Canada to a Silver or Gold at the IIHF Championships. This is further proof that they need a change up in Buffalo. He's too good of a coach to be doing such a shitty job. Get it? He needs a fresh start and so do the Sabres. His coaching style doesn't work anymore for the Sabres.

- [Update] Last, last point: The dickheads in the head office want nothing more than to see Syd v OVIE for the Eastern Conference final, of course - it's probably their two most marketable assets right now, but they are not fixing the games or telling the refs to not call/over call anything. The Rangers got beat by the Caps in the last two games (badly). No decision that the refs made had a discernible difference on the fact that they got bitch-slapped by WAS. I didn't watch Game 6 of Philty v Crysburgh but all accounts say the Pens got fired up by Carillo's idiocy and had an epic comeback.
Conspiracy theories are something to hide behind when your team sucks.

Just to make you day that much happier here's so of Dall-asses' icegirls. I tried to search google images for "hot sabres fans" and found this picture (I wish I were kidding) so you get Texas chicks instead.

WRIST SHOTS LITE: KRIS CHECKS IN

I'm assuming that Ms. Timide la puck lapin is going to be traumatized...It's your job to make her feel better.

- I'd rather be a Sabres fan than a Sharks or Montfaux fan right now... The Sabs sucked pretty much all year and didn't disappoint. Seriously, I'm not kidding. They say it's better to have loved and lost...I say it's better to stay in a dark room and drink cheap Scotch and troll for free internet pr0n than it is to have "loved" so-to-speak.

- I almost feel bad for Jesus Price, but then I really think about it and I don't. HAHA HABNOTS! The schadenfreude runs deep in this case. Except for her <--. I feel her pain.

- Have the retarded talking heads always discussed about how the superstars are "taking a lot of [verbal] abuse" or is that new? I seem to remember the same story ie: Ignila last year..Now they're talking about Crysby...Come on, they're pros...they're big targets...that's the bloody job of the agitators. You think that people didn't talk to Wayner or to Rocket Ricard? I'm sure they did even if Ricard could beat the living shit out of you and McSorely was always there to clean up Gretzky's problems, they still talked [The Great One (via PD]. Come on...

- Any minute now Torts is going to jump the boards and beat the living shit out of Avery when he takes an idiotic penalty. It's gonna be off the hook.

- Canadian broadcasters are better than their American-employed counterparts (they're pretty much all Canadians, aren't they?), but CBC and TSN still suck almost as bad as NBC (I don't know that I've ever seen a VS. broadcast). Plus there's so much exchange...Milbury, Panger, cueball McGuire...ugh. Can't they find like 3 analysts that don't suck?

Anyway. Contrary to Kammann, I hope that Philthy wins. I fucking hate the Pens with a passion. I don't know why - self-righteousness (on their fans part, mine is justified) plays a part. At the very least, at least there weren't empty seats in the Igloo (or in Philly for that matter). Sorry Devils fans, but that just sucks balls. And they weren't the worst...I watched some of the 2nd WINGS/BJs (has to be the best contraction of a team-name ever) game and literally 1/2 the lower seats were empty...Of course, the NHL had this as a sell-out crowd. Fuck you Gary. Fuck you.

Further contrary to Kammann - I loved every minute of fantasy hockey (well, except losing to Jeff's KOD squad in the end)...It kept me abreast (that's what she said!) of the happenings of the NHL and made me pay attention to players who I would otherwise completely ignore. Explain to me why I like Corey Perry? He's a little [Gretzky] but he pulled his weight this year for the No Homers and for that I am happy.

Congrats to Jeff. May his Single Malt bring only misfortune and hangovers.

WRIST SHOTS: CUP CRAZINESS

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are here! I used to post a big ridiculous preview extravaganza, but that grew tiresome. Instead, let's take a look at the local matchups, and make a few quick picks.

Devils (3) vs. Hurricanes (6). What a strange season it was for the Devils. It was supposed to be a year-long Marty Party, as the team celebrated his setting career records for wins and shutouts and cemented his legacy as one of the best goalie ever. Instead, he got injured early on and merely bookended the season in goal, looking vulnerable for the first time in his career. The team was deep enough to rally with Clemmensen replacing him, but seemed to relax too much on defense once he returned. I have no doubt this team can focus for the playoffs, play tight D and score goals with their Zach-aided Attack, but how deep can they go? As always, it's on Brodeur. Regardless, I like their chances in this series. Devils in 6.

Rangers (7) vs. Capitals (2). If you thought the Devs had a weird season, the Rangers' season may have been weirder. The Blueshirts blasted out of the box, winning their first 10 of 13 games. Then, just as suddenly the goals dried up, the defense looked like a sieve, and the team played dull, unmotivated hockey games that mostly ended in shootouts, and before long Renney the Robot was shown the door. John "Asshat" Tortorella semi-righted the ship, and while Drury and Gomez thrive in this scenario, and Gavery's douchebaggishness can't be counted out, Lundqvist will have to play perfect between the pipes for them to win. The scary thing is, he can. I have to be honest: besides the irrepressible OVIE! and Mike Green, I don't particularly like this Caps team very much, and I certainly don't see them being carried by Theodore. Rangers in 7.

My Blognostications. From the beginning of the season, I got 6/8 of the playoff teams correct in each of the two conferences (my incorrect picks being Buffalo, Ottawa, Minnesota and Edmonton). I deserve some sort of medal for that, right? Okay, I blew it by not picking Boston, but getting St. Louis has to count for something. Oh, and thanks again, Sabres, for letting me down once again.

Battle of the Keystone State. I have to say that although it's not the fashionable thing to do, I'm rooting hard for Sid and the Pens, who got hot at just the right time (and MAF picked up his game as soon as I dropped him from my fantasy team--no, it had nothing to do with the coaching change). I want them to crush the phucking Philthy Lyers.

Teams That Piss Me Off And I Just Wish Would Go Away. Along with Philthy Lyers, the Ducks and the Predators just annoy me.

Welcome To The Big Ice Dance. Columbus, glad you could make it. Congratulations on your first playoff berth. Your reward? The Detroit Fucking Red Wings. Ugh, this will be ugly. Whichever Mason they have is going to have to stand on his head to get out of the 1st round.

The Team Least Built For The Playoffs. Normally, this is where I shit in the Sharks' tank, but I think they will fare much better this season. Meanwhile, the Bruins cruised through the regular season with a surprise goalie tandem, finesse scorers, and very little toughness or defensive defensemen (except for Chara)--all things that just don't add up to postseason success. I think this is where the road ends. But hey, Beantown will always have BU's NCAA championship to hang their helmets on.

Canadian Team Most Likely To Succeed. Much to Gary "Fucking" Bettman's dismay, 50% of the teams from the Great White North are in the second season. Out of the 3, I have to say Calgary will go the furthest, as I'm just not impressed with Montreal (mainly due to Jesus Price's shoddy tending), or Vancouver (and their lack of scoring).


Surprise Team That Could Make The West Finals. The Blackhawks. I just like their young talent, and their young talented female ice girls.

Congratulations to the Islanders, for getting the #1 pick in the NHL Draft. All of that intense sucking finally paid off!

In closing . . .



OHBFHL CHAMPS! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but then what the hell is the point of a blog if I can't do that? Let's just say that my KISS OF DEATH team won the 1st Annual Open Hockey Blog Fantasy Hockey League (OHBFHL) after a tense CHAMPIONSHIP FORTNIGHT battle with Kris' NO HOMERS squadron. It reminded me why I simultaneously love and hate fantasy leagues, and how they can be equal parts fun and frustrating: getting the other managers to give a shit, picking up players who suffer season-crippling injuries (which was my forte), choosing to go with a goalie right as he's about to shit the crease -- it's all part of the game. All I know is that I earned that bottle of single malt I'm going to receive soon.

DRINKY DRINKY: BELHAVEN TWISTED THISTLE IPA

Man, this is a good beer. That pint had no chance whatsoever.

I went to the beer store the other day to return my empties and they had a "Scottish" display. "Why not," I said. Despite the fact that it was like 2€80 for a pint bottle (whereas the Germans cost like 1€50-1€90). I cracked it open today and it's not like most of the IPAs I have had. It's much sweeter. You still get the crazy hopiness, but there's a nice sweet side to it. I wouldn't want to have more than 1 or 2 of these in a row because I'm sure that the hangover is probably wicked bad, but one beer on a relatively nice Monday afternoon (it is a holiday, before you fuckers get all judgemental) is pretty good.

I don't know if there's any thistle in it...The bottle doesn't have a lot of information regarding the inclusion of thistle and/or dog, but whatever.

This beer gets 8.5 thumbs up from the Open Hockey Official Team of Beer Reviewers (OHTBR).

If you find it, drink it; although according to the boffins at Rate Beer the US-version is different (dumbed-down for American tastes?)

GLORIOUS HOCKEY-RELATED HD

I was just seventeen, when I made the AHL
I couldn't skate in junior, but my fists rang like a bell.
I'll never win a title, and I'll never win the cup,
But when it comes to ladies, I've had the best of luck.

I've been enjoying my HD for the last 2 weeks now. I have three of the main French TV stations in HD, but I'm 90% sure that they do not have one program in HD - it's just upscaled (why's that not surprising - the French have to be dead last for Western countries in digital advancement) - and for some fucked up reason the American sitcoms that they show do not have the English-language track available in HD (but in SD it's available)...that makes a shitload of sense.

Anyway, in my 2 month teaser programming I have a couple of HD channels: National Geographic HD, MTV HD, a cool channel called Ushuaia HD (lot's of awesome nature programs in HD - you haven't seen monkeys fucking until you've seen it in native-HD), and a channel called I-Concerts HD. For a week or so I didn't give it much of a look because every time I turned it on they had the same Bon Jovi concert from 1993. But then the other night they were showing Dire Straits On The Night. While I doubt this was filmed in HD (did such a thing exist in the early 90s?), it was still cool to see an entire concert. Then they had John Fogerty - who has officially joined the Roger-Waters-Roger-Daltery-can't-sing-after-60-club. Then this morning they had Elvis Costello and I just kind of left it running and a band called Great Big Sea came on. I'd heard of them somehow-or-other, but never really paid attention to them. They're alright - kind of traditional Irish/English music mixed with normal rock...I was giving it half a listen when the above lyrics came on.

Since I haven't posted in a while, I figure, why not post a hockey-related HD story (without the actual "HD hockey" of course).



It's not all dandy though. Aside from the aforementioned Jersefication of the airwaves, they are now showing Jamiroquai - whom I have never liked.