10. Capital One Bowl Week can turn out to be a dud. Compared to last year, there was not one compelling bowl game all week. I'm glad I paid attention to the regular season, because that's when all the great games happened.
9. A hot toddy made with Woodford Reserve bourbon, lemon, honey and cloves KICKS ASS. That's how I rang in 2008.
8. Rob says this might be the funniest line of the year, and I might have to agree with him (from The Onion's hilarious Our Dumb World Atlas):
MALAWI: Come For The Food Shortages, Stay Because You've Died.
7. While it's a very funny show, "The Larry Sanders Show" is no "Honeymooners". I watched episodes of both shows on New Years Day, and let's just say that Garry Shandling's Other Show, while funny, hasn't aged all that well. Plus, the washed-out DVD transfer (from 2002) makes it look even older than it actually is.
6. For some reason, I can't learn the lyrics to most late 60s/early 70s classic rock songs that grew up listening to as a kid. If I didn't know the words then, I don't know them now. Even if I look them up online, they just don't stick. I guess if you've heard "Brown Sugar" 500 times without knowing what the hell Mick Jagger is saying, you can't expect to figure it out after reading the lyric sheet once.
5. I'm surprisingly good at "Dance Dance Revolution". No, really. Especially when songs like a-ha's "Take On Me" and Chic's "Le Freak" come on, I'm unstoppable.
4. Screw the New Jersey Devils for putting such a beautiful hockey arena in Newark. Additionally, screw the PATH train for being so useless: it took two trains and 45 minutes to get from New York to Newark. After unleashing a litany of expletives during this frustrating detour (which I could blame on my drunkness, or the fact that I had just contracted an upper respiratory infection), I later realized that I would make a lousy competitor on "The Amazing Race".
3. The typical NFL game blows, especially when compared to any Madden NFL '08 game. Seriously, the PS2 version is fantastic, and can only imagine what the "next gen" ones are like. In fact, it's so realistic, Giants QB Elisha threw 3 INTs before finally settling down and throwing two TDs before getting injured, in a poorly played 14-6 win over the Redskins. Eerie.
2. I respect the guy for keeping at it, but Dick Clark needs to retire. It's just sad to hear him struggle through a simple sentence, and this time around he actually said "HAPPY DEW YEAR". I also officially think the "rockin' eve" concept is officially dead when all you have is Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, whoever the hell they are.
1. Not a new revelation, but Ginger Man is the best beer bar in NYC. I already suspected this, but I had to visit a second time to make sure. Blue Point Oatmeal Stout from the cask was fantastic.
10. It's not supposed to get above 30° today, which in meteorological terms is "fucking freezing". I have to say that the snow looks amazing; because there was a little ice/rain at the end of the snowstorm on Sunday, there is a glistening, frozen shell over everything. My first thought was: how far could I putt a golf ball across that?
9. You know the little bag that a Lipton teabag comes in? What's that called? A teabag bag? I wonder if that's on the Lipton.com FAQ.
8. I went to the bar three days last week, at least one of those trips was in order to get a discount to join the gym from one of the bartenders (name withheld). After all that drinking, I never got the form from her (okay, her name is Stalky McStalkerson). I guess that means I have to drink EVEN MORE so eventually I can join up. Ironic, isn't it?
7. After two seasons, Ricky Gervais' "Extras" wrapped up with a "series finale special" the way a quality show is supposed to. Not only did it make a statement about the vacuous, empty lives of celebrities, it also left its two main characters on an 'up' note (unlike the depressing BBC version of "The Office"). In other words, something ACTUALLY HAPPENED on the show's series finale, unlike "The Sopranos". Plus, George Michael and Clive Owen did hilarious, self-deprecating cameos, and where else are you going to find that?
6. Barry Zuckerkorn > Arthur Fonzerelli.
5. The Giants suck. They lost to the pathetic Redskins last night, powered by Elisha Manning's 18/52 for 184 performance, his 34 incompletions being the worst shitshow since Joe "I Wanna Kiss You" Namath did it in 1967. Why do I bother? What a shitastic team this 2007 squad is. I've said I'm not talking about Coughlin anymore until he's fired, but of course he won't since they'll back into the playoffs because the NFC is god awful.
4. I am tired of Xmas shopping. I had to buy something at TJ Maxx last week, and they invariably have the world's slowest lines--it made me want to stab someone in the neck. And for some reason, every time I have to return something at Target there's always some elderly person in front of me that wants to return something without a receipt that they bought from a Montgomery Ward catalogue from 1959 and still expect to get cash back for. Oh, and from now on, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO WRITE CHECKS. Get a free debit card, it will save everyone time, for Christ's sake. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
3. HBO's "The Wire" is a better crime drama than "The Sopranos". Period. The acting is better, the story lines more interesting, and overall it's a hell of a lot more realistic. And technically speaking, "The Sopranos" never spent that much time on the actual crime, it was always A.J. crying or some nonsense about Meadow's boyfriend--gah! Anyway, I'm halfway through Season 2, and trying to catch up in time for Season 5 which starts in less than a month (Jan 6, 2008). Wish me luck.
2. Note to people who don't clean off their car roof before driving on the highway: screw you. If I see you walking behind me at the store, I'm going to randomly throw ice cubes over my shoulder at your head. Maybe you can swerve out of the way of them, maybe you can't. Either way, I would suggest wearing a helmet.
1. Zooey Deschanel rocks. Here's a clip of her from the movie "Elf" singing "Baby It's Cold Outside" (with Will Ferrell). I wouldn't mind the cold outside if Zooey was in my shower.
10. This has been one cah-ray-zee NCAA football season, am I right? (Hence the need to give the word "crazy" an extra syllable.) On Saturday, #1 Missouri lost to Oklahoma (which everyone saw coming) and West Virgina, being #2, was required by law to lose to Pitt. And with Ohio State and LSU chosen to meet in the Big Game sometime in mid-January, people are whining about the BCS bowl system! Shocking! Just put the frigging bowl games on and I'll watch them. Anyway, screw the BCS (British Cardiovascular Society), they haven't helped me once.
9. Stephen Colbert will be doing "The Colbert Report" live at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater in NYC at 6:30 PM tonight. Man, I wish I had tickets. Regardless, I've been talking about it for years, so I think it's time I saw a comedy show down there. (Whatever happened to the Rascals Comedy Club in the Palisades Mall? Did it ever open? They put a sign up, and that's it?)
8. The New York Times wrote an article on bourbon and didn't even mention Booker's? BLASPHEMY! I guess they didn't taste anything above 101 proof, which is really is a shame: everyone should feel the glorious burn that is Booker's. The top bourbons they chose (Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year-Old ($99), Vintage 17-Year-Old ($54), Knob Creek ($20)) must be pretty damn good, because according to them "Maker's Mark didn't come close". Well then.
7. My favorites from the Tim Tebow Facts: "Tim Tebow can divide by zero" and "Tim Tebow CAN believe it's not butter". I submitted this one: "When Tim Tebow stares at the sun, the sun has to look away".
6. "Funeral for a Fiend" was the funniest Simpsons episode I've seen in a long time, definitely the best of the season. I just really like what Kelsey Grammar does with the Sideshow Bob character. Of course, FOX in their infinite wisdom decided that while every show is in hiatus because of the writers' strike, this Sunday was a good time to show a repeat.
5. The NFL claims to want to "give more football to the fans", but this is clearly not the case. Not only did very few get to see Green Bay get beat by Dallas on Thursday, but they've also eliminated those great Saturday afternoon games, and instead give us one Saturday night matchup. Memo to all sports league commissioners: don't insult my intelligence, just say it's a business decision and move on. My favorite description of the NFL Network: "24 hours of live football, 8736 hours of filler".
BLOGNOSTICATION ALERT: The New England Patriots are going to go undefeated this season, including the playoffs. That's 19-0. Congratulations, Pats!
4. Two new HD channels were added to Cablevision this week: HGTV and Food Network. I can't wait for CSPAN2-HD and Game Show HD, since the latter will allow me to view those "Match Game '79" episodes the way God (and Charles Nelson Reilly) intended.
3. I decided that I would rather go to happy hour early on Friday than attend my company holiday party. Does that make me an alcoholic? No, I think it's just common sense. There was no place to sit when I actually bothered to attend last year, so screw them.
2. After seeing someone post this online, this song was in my head all day. It's Nick Rivers "Skeet Surfin'", from the 1984 movie Top Secret!, one of the most underrated and overlooked comedies of all time.
Nick Rivers & Tammy Wynette "Your Skeetin' Heart" cracks me up every time. The East German National Anthem is priceless too: "Hail, Hail East Germany, Land of Vine And Grape, Land Where You'll Regret, Any Try To Escape!"
1. When you type in "BETTMAN SUCKS" into Google, the first image that comes up in the search is the header for this blog! We're really going places. Oh, and Bettman sucks.
10. It's been a while since we've seen a cheerleader up here, so allow me to present a (San Diego) Charger Girl wearing a hot-as-hell Halloween costume. Thanks Pro Cheerleader Blog!
BREAKING NEWS: I was just informed that Katie, the member of the Jills I featured who tried to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots, apparently DID NOT manage to hit it very far. Take it from me: get spikes on those boots. I forgot my golf shoes the last time I played, and it sucked playing in sneakers.
9. The KFC Family Meal has been around for years, and I thought it used to feature 10 pieces of chicken and maybe some biscuits and mashed potatoes. However, it now appears that this artery-destroying caloric monstrosity also includes cole slaw, soda, chips and a chocolate cake. That's right. It's as if they sat in a boardroom and said, "Yes, our customers are fat, but they could get fatter. What else could we possibly add to make this meal deal even more harmful for their health?" "Fuck it, throw in a cake."
8. The news is dire out of Southern California: Hollywood movie and television writers are threatening to go on strike in a dispute over DVD royalties. So this means such entertainment gems such as "Saw IV", "According To Jim" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" will all but disappear? Whatever will we watch? There are only 2,304,985,932 movies/TV shows that I could choose to watch instead! How will we survive? I haven't felt this much panic since I heard that Broadway stagehands, who make an average of $115,000 annually, might go on strike, leaving such literary and cultural institutions such as "Mamma Mia" twisting in the wind.
I have just three words: FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD. You're completely unnecessary. And you can print that, and pay me to option it into a movie.
7. Is there such a thing as natural fiber dental floss? I hate throwing away a foot-long strand of non-biodegrading PTFE every time a bit of food gets stuck in between my teeth This sounds like a simple product to make all-natural (wax and twine--actually, that sounds like it would hurt a lot when I put it like that).
6. Last night, we went to the River Palm Terrace in Mahwah, NJ for ALL STEAKS DAY and it managed to live up to the hype that Rob bestowed upon it. Every last milligram of meat that made up my filet mignon was fantastic. Although I'm a little woozy today because I hit the 'trifecta': vodka, wine, beer. Or more accurately, the trifecta hit me.
5. Weird pair spotted on late night TV: Ron Paul and Sex Pistols. Mr. Paul and Mr. Rotten are basically the same age, and have an equal chance of becoming President, so it's not that much of a stretch. Still, it was bizarre to hear Johnny Rotten giving a shout-out to him during "Anarchy in the UK", a song which may have had some impact 30 years ago but has now been rendered utterly meaningless due to the fact it was performed on "The Tonight Show". Oh, and I'd rather have a chimp interview Ron Paul, as Leno is a fucking dunce.
5. This whole "Stephen Colbert for President" thing has yielded some funny jokes, but it's also a little scary since a surprising number claim that they'd actually vote for him. As it turns out, after choosing the Democratic Party due to its cheaper "ballot filing fee" ($2,500 vs. $35,000 for the Reps), he has been denied requests to be placed on the Sout Carolina primary ballot.
Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road — or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick. Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.
4. Speaking of not needing writers, The Amazing Race returns for a 12th season on Sunday night, thanks to the cancellation of "musical dramady" Viva Laughlin. All you need to know about that show is this: "It occasionally has the actors break into contemporary song." Sweet jebus, it's Cop Rock in a casino. Anyway, TAR is the only "unscripted" "reality" show I can watch and I'm looking forward to TARXII. More on that later.
3. Here's your NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Indianapolis is 7-0, winners of 12 in a row dating back to last year (including BIG GAME 41), and they're GETTING 4½ points at home. Undefeated home dome underdog? We're pretty sure that's never happened in the history of the NFL. The Patriots have been dickishly running up the score on everyone, but the juggernaut gets temporarily derailed this week as Peyton has a perfect turnover-free day and they win by 10. (Seriously, with the SAWKS winning the World Series, the Celts getting KG, BC being the #2 team in NCAA football, and the Bruins actually playing competitive hockey, Boston sports fans need to be knocked down a peg.)
While the Colts are good, this "Quest For The Ring" shit is awful. Jim Irsay looks like a gay Willy Wonka.
2. Even though the Giants managed to win against the lowly Dolphins, that game at Wembley was completely horrible--LONDON BORING. Also, couldn't FOX find any songs by British atrists recorded after 1983? All they could find was bands like The Clash, The Jam, Madness and The Police (I may have heard Oasis, but since they're musically stuck in 1967, they don't count). What about Amy Winehouse, Arctic Monkeys, Fatboy Slim, Gorillaz, or Bloc Party? Even the Spice Girls would have been more timely. It was like the British version of Tuney McOldsong.
1. If you haven't seen this game-winning, last-second 68 yard play, featuring 15 laterals and a lot of defensive players standing around befuddled, here's your chance to see it from the end zone view. The aftermath: Trinity University (TX) beat Millsaps College 28-24 in this Division III matchup, keeping them alive a conference title.
10. Why is the term "in broad daylight" only used to describe a crime scene? Why can't you say, "I played golf today in broad daylight"? No, it's always "the victim was brutally beaten with a golf club in broad daylight".
8. Quote from the NY Times Magazine that I never thought would be attributed to an NHL hockey player (New York Rangers' Sean Avery):
"I just got a lovely cashmere throw from a friend who works at Calvin Klein."
It's lovely? Seriously? He also says he'd like to be the "editor of a fashion magazine", that his next big purchase will be the "spring/summer Dior men's collection". Wow, I'm speechless. He also says the most annoying piece of equipment is his helmet, "It's always tight no matter how much I loosen it." Hey, how about you make your next big purchase A HELMET THAT FITS! What, does Armani Exchange not sell them?
7. Reason #2934875 Not To Watch Fox: Subliminal Messages during playoff baseball games.
Gee, I wonder if that Transformers DVD is out yet. Sweet buttered christ.
6. iAppleRipoffTunes is now selling its DRM-free 256 kbps songs for $0.99 each, down from $1.29. That's funny, because Amazon has been selling those (most of them at a cheaper price) for a month now. Feeling the heat, are we, Stevie? Reminder: I must buy something from Amazon this week.
5. TV, I tried. I tried to enjoy your new offerings this season, but they left me feeling empty. I sat through "Pushing Daisies", "Cavemen", "Carpoolers", "Tell Me You Love Me", "Curb Your Enthusiasm"--none of them are horrible, but none of them are exciting. I even watched 20 minutes of "Journeyman" and "Reaper", and accidentally viewed 30 seconds of "Chuck". Ugh. I guess it just wasn't meant to be, TV. Let's just be friends and watch hockey together, okay? Meanwhile, I'm going to catch up on "The Wire" before January.
4. Action-packed hockey game on Monday night between the Maple Leaves at the Miller-less Sabres (on VS HD, no less), where the two teams traded goals back and forth in the final 10 minutes, seemingly scoring on every shot, ending in a Sabres 5-4 OT win with :03.7 remaining. Although there's a nice NHL highlight video of this, sometimes it's best to enjoy games like this through the open thread on Bfloblog. When they Sabres are on, they're ON (they had 19 shots in the 3rd + OT). Crazy, and it's only game #5.
3. Congratulations to the Colorado Rockies for making it to the World Series, basically by beating the living crap out of everyone in their path. They've won 20 of their last 21 games, including sweeping the Phatally Phlawed Phillies and the Uninteresting D-Backs. After the miserable 40 degree rainy weather at Coors Field on Sunday night, I think they're just motivated to wrap this shit up before it snows.
2. Screw the NFL! NCAA college football has been incredible this season. Somehow, every major team has been upset in some amazing way, from last week's Kentucky upset #1 LSU in OT and Oregon State beating #2 Cal, to the 40 point underdog Stanford beating USC two weeks ago. This weekend #2 South Florida (?!) visits Rutgers . . . could we be looking at another upset? Regardless, it will be interesting to see. Oh, and Notre Dame being winless is completely hilarious.
1. NOMINEE FOR BEST PRODUCT OF THE YEAR (thanks Kris):
"The Back Up: some people are buying one for each side of the bed!" Sure, it's great and all, but I'm constantly tripping over the legs of my bed and falling over, so I'm sure I'll blow my nuts off if I had one (or two) of these.
