WRIST SHOTS: LET'S CELEBRATE THE BRUINS DEMISE

Nothing could bring me out of blogretirement faster than an epic choke.

Even though I can't root for the Flyers, how hilarious and Schadenfreudetastic was the Boston Bruins complete collapse in their 2010 Stanley Cup playoff series with the Flyers?  Was it the worst collapse in history?  Being up 3 games to none, and then up 3 goals to 0 in Game 7 at home, I'd have to say yes (even though Yankee fans might disagree).  And it couldn't happen to a nicer fanbase, as Boston "fans" are so quick to gloat about their "achievements", and also throw their teams under the bus.

Selected comments from the Boston.com Bruins Blog:

bostonalex wrote: F*CK THIS TEAM I'M DONE!!!! EVERY YEAR ITS THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Ex-boston bruins fan

Awesome!  Way to stick with your boys through thick and thin, even when they don't win a championship every damn year!  This one is also priceless:

aceshigh502 wrote:

Fire them all. Chiarelli for not making a trade at the deadline, Julien for not keeping them motivated, and most of all CHARA FOR NOT KNOWING THE MEANING OF BEING A CAPTAIN AND LEADER

You KNOW he'd be saying "Chara is WICKED AHHHSOME GO B'S" if they hadn't blown this series.  These are also pretty sweet.  

dreweagle09 wrote:

They will never get the fans back after this. 

They simply blew it. Big time. 

Just when fans were losing interest in the other Boston teams, the Bruins failed to take advantage of the support. 

I love how the Red Sox are one game under .500 and 8 games out in mid-May and fans are already "losing interest".  F*cking spoiled fairweather fans.  (I'm pretty sure the Yanks were 5 games back of Boston late last June--and we know how that turned out.)  

    

ipot wrote: This will be the infamous 2009-10 team that no one should ever mention again.

And I guarantee they just started mentioning the Bruins again when they made the playoffs again in 2007!  Blaming the media is a classic tactic too:

jim2000 wrote:

Thanks also to the never-ending jinxes of the Boston Sports Media who seemed to think the B's had won the series at 3-0. Nothing like giving the opponents some bulletin board fodder, guys.

amazinglarry wrote:

I would like to personally thank Jack Edwards for constantly bringing up the 3-0 in the Series and in the Game references... as usual, the random BS statistic crap he comes up with comes back to bite us in the butt. 

THANK YOU JACK

The Boston sports jinx!  But this is the topper:

dreweagle09 wrote:

Send a clear message to all pro sports teams: don't buy anything from them until they prove that they're sincere about winning. 

Tough economy. Save the money. Watch Hockey East instead. 

There's no other way. The B's have to be dismantled piece by piece if they're ever going to win us back. 

They don't deserve us.

The classic Boston "WE AHHH THE BEST FANS EVAHHH AND THEY DON'T EVEN DESERVE AW-AH SCAAAHN!"  

Stay bitter, Boston "fans"!

Photo courtesy of REUTERS/Brian Snyder

WRIST SHOTS: GIVING THANKS FOR HOCKEY

I'm going to come right out and say this, and I know faithful reader(s) of this blog will be astonished by this Thanksgiving Eve admission. But here goes:

I am thankful for hockey.

There. I'm glad that's off my chest.

As I get older, I find that following professional sports doesn't pay dividends like it used to. It was once a fantastic and fun diversion to follow your favorite teams and players, revel over the incredible winning plays and improbable comebacks, and agonize over the crushing defeats and missed opportunities. But it's an emotional investment that I find myself unable to immerse myself in. And after being prescribed medication for high blood pressure, I realized that living and dying with your team just isn't worth it.

However, hockey is a fantastic sport to watch, follow, discuss, enjoy--and get borderline crazy over. It's fast paced with passes, hits and goals happening in the blink of an eye, and team momentum changing just as quickly. Some of the best talent the sport has ever seen is on the ice right now (OVIE! SID! MARTY!), and overall the NHL is highly competitive with every game worth watching and every team having a legitimate shot at the playoffs. It also features actual skilled athletes that are in shape, not morbidly obese men crashing into each other for 5 seconds before resting, chemically enhanced he-men swatting 600 foot dingers, or (god forbid) rednecks driving cars real fast in a circle. It's a true team sport in which defense is rewarded. It's the best sporting event to watch live, and at home it benefits the most from a widescreen, flicker-free HD broadcast. Additionally, there's very little dead time for color analysts to blather incessantly about the previous play, and for showing replays from 14 different angles. It's as close to perfect as you can get (despite commissioner Gary Bettman's endless attempts to screw it up).

The best thing about the NHL right now is that the casual fan has either tuned out since the lockout, or just aren't compelled to pay attention to it anymore. This is the best thing that could happen to a hockey fan. Who wants random people at work talking about the Rangers and Devils in the playoffs who didn't see one regular season game? Who needs people suddenly wearing their team's paraphernalia (sometimes in shades of pink-oh the horror!) only when they're playing well? Not me. I'm quite happy being a hockey fan that only has to discuss hockey with OTHER HOCKEY FANS. I used to bemoan the fact that ESPN and their ubiquitous SportsCenter barely covers the NHL, but now I cherish that reality. Everything ESPN touches turns to shit (Monday Night Football, NBA, sports highlight shows), so I'm happy that they don't give the sport the time of day. This way, I'm 100% sure I don't need to watch.

Yes, I'm thankful that hockey exists, one of the best things Canada has ever invented (along with back bacon, Bill Shatner and alcoholism). HOORAY HOCKEY!

AND LET'S GO DEVILS!

(I had to slip that in.)

Photo courtesy of AP

EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP (ABOUT SOCCER)

For those of you in the US [who am I kidding, no one reads this blog; in the US or elsewhere], you may not be aware of the controversy surrounding France's "qualification" for the World Cup last night. Short story shorter: tied on aggregate after 90 minutes, the Ireland-France game goes to extra time, Thierry Henry controls a free kick with his hand twice, passes to Gallas who heads it in. Goal stands, inexplicably, and France wins. Lot's of other people cry "CHEAT"

I'm not sure this video will work (and it's shitty quality, but it's one of the few that haven't be pulled down)



I have two comments:

1. I've been saying for years that there's too much cheating (esp. Diving) in professional soccer and it's obviously that FIFA, UEFA and the national associations have no real desire to remove it from the sport. Henry's Hand of God moment may have been deliberate, or it may not have been; In the video it looks like he does move his hand to control it, but this is split-second action. In any case, my opinion has the refs in the sole position to judge legality. No Henry should not have gone up to the head ref and said "you know what, I controlled with my hand, strike it from the record." When I played high school soccer we were taught to "keep playing till you hear the whistle;" handball or not you just kept going.

2. As soon as Brent Hull says "I had my foot in the crease and I want you to remove my name from the Stanley Cup for that year" I will advocate the French Football Federation to do the same. I laughingly "hate" Brett Hull, but the fact that the Sabres got fucked lies solely on the NHL and the refs heads. Not on the individual player or the profiting party (although I admit, I took great pleasure from the Devils' win in 2000).

The pundits are correct; this further decimates football/soccer's image, but that is an administration-level problem, not an individual or national-team level problem. I am sure that every one of the screaming ninnies on the interwebs today have benefited from a blatant cheat (diving, embellishing, controlling with the hand...) by their national team or favorite club.

For soccer to remain above a farce FIFA, UEFA and the national associations must do the following:

1. Video replay on all goals of a controversial nature (offsides? handball? in/out?).

2. Institute a very strict post-match video review and crack down on diving. A warning and a fine for the first dive that results in a free kick in the offensive zone. 1 game suspension for a second offense of above or for a dive within 18 meters of the net. 2 games for yellow card drawn or an additional offense of above. 3 games for a red card drawn or an additional offense of above. How quick would diving leave the game? I bet that after a couple of suspensions for all-world players would greatly cut back on the diving.


What a dive may look like

Yes, video replay isn't perfect (see: Sabres, Buffalo, 1998-1999 Stanley Cup Winners), but it's better than the current system.

DRINKY DRINKY: AUGUSTINERBRAU OKTOBERFEST BIER

Ahh, an Oktoberfest that doesn't taste like candy. Let's face it, most Oktoberfest's are 1) Good 2) Sweet as fucking hell.

I can get Paulaner by the case, but I only grabbed a 1/2 case because it's just too sweet for my taste. I like my beer bitter, sour and light.

For the record I can get Augustiner by the case too, but it costs almost 30% more. My beer store has also stopped running the 15€ case promotion, which means I have to pay at least 30€ per case now. Assholes.

Anyway on with the capsule review:

The Augustiner is lighter and less sweet than Paulaner. Even if the raters on ratebeer.com like Paulaner better than Augustiner, it doesn't matter. They're all wrong anyway.

It was a nice, light straw color. Lot's of carbonation bubbles were present. It had a nice "oktoberfest" taste without the "if-I-drink-another-one-of-these-I'm-going-to-be-sick-for-3-days" sweetness.

Anyway, that's the capsule review. I don't have time for more. I do like Augustiner better than Paulaner. However, I only bought 1 bottle of Augustiner, so now I have to switch to Paulaner.

Banjos, huh?

Umm, I don't really know what to say to this. I guess all I've got is "Banjos"



I don't hate it, btw. Well she gets all preachy in the middle there, but the music part ain't too bad.

THE DRINKY DRINKY YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: DUFF BEER

Ok, so "Duff Beer" in the Simpsons is knock-off of Bud, the worst mass produced beer I've ever drank (well at least since Coors Light); but as a Simpson fan and a beer drinker, I think it's one of those fetishs that we all have: TASTE FUCKING DUFF BEER.

Well the other day, I was at the beer store buying a case of my now House beer (Schoenberg or something - don't ask, it's not that good). I was waiting for the cashier to ring up the lady in front of me and looking over the different cases of beer that they added since my last visit and I see a little hand-written sign "Duff: Simpsons beer" and I covered the 3 meters between the register and the display in 1.5 steps. I have no idea how much it cost, I really don't care. I had no idea that someone was selling Duff beer, but figured 'why not:' Fox has licensed the shit out of the Simpsons from Weber Grills to Krusty's Home Pregnancy Tests ("may cause birth defects") (ok, maybe that last one wasn't real) so why not the beer that says "fat and bald men."

Anyway, after getting back home I figured I would do a little research into this product. Wikipedia EN (which is always accurate) told me that my beer was made in Mexico for the South American market. While, I guess it's possible that there were grey market imports to Europe, the bottle itself directly contradicts this with the statement "Gebraut in Deutschland" and the website of the brewer (or at least marketer) www.duff-bier.de. This website enlightened me with the following statement:

The legendary Duff Beer gibt es jetzt auch in Ihrer Nähe!

OH REALLY! Ok, I don't speak or read German, so I headed over to Babelfish:

The legendary Duff Beer now gives it also in your proximity!

Well I guess that answers someone's question about what gives "it" in "your proximity". Ugh.

Next stop Rate Beer where "Duff Beer" gets a stunning 8th percentile in the Pilsner category...wait, that Duff is brewed in Belgium by Haacht (which sounds exactly like the sound I'll make tomorrow morning after drinking a sixer of this beer).

So, with these elements in hand, I can honestly say "I haven't the fucking foggiest idea where this beer came from, it's relationship to Matt Groening and if it has a Dry variant." Honestly, I think that someone registered the brand name "Duff Beer" in Germany (or Europe) and started producing it. I don't think it has any relationship to the Simpsons; but who the fuck cares. I'm going to go back to the beer store soon and buy the rest of their stock (like 2 cases, I think/hope).

Anyway, you came for the review, here's the review:
Painfully mediocre. But not how you think: I would expect a real Simpsons "Duff Beer" to taste kind of like Bud or Miller or Coors or something patently American and this doesn't. Since it's made in Germany they don't put rice in it, so you don't get the crisp, watery (shit) taste that rice-based beers usually bring to the table. It doesn't taste bad per se; although it has a nasty carmel/over-cooked hoppy taste to it. If I had to compare this, I would put it firmly in the generic German "beer" segment; it tastes like St. Pauli Girl or Becks (to compare it to American offerings)...actually a lot like Becks, but with that burnt hops taste omnipresent.

I'll try to get some more of this (like I mentioned) and I'll try to sneak a few back into the US next time 'round.

Anyway, I never thought I would taste Duff and it turns out I haven't. FOX/Groening will probably never officially license Duff (and I assume they'll shut down production of this stuff PDQ), just like they won't officially license "Krusty Home Pregnacy Test," but whatever; as cynical as I am, I am well-aware that, at times, I'm no better than the knuckle-draggers who watch American Idol (you fuckers came for the hate...there's a little taste).

RANDOM SHITLINK MONDAY: STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

In an effort to keep this pointless blog alive (at least until hockey starts up again), I've decided to post a Random Shitlink every Monday. Basically, it will be anything I find amusing, interesting, annoying and/or completely and utterly stupid. I have no idea, but one thing is for sure: you sure as shit won't be learning anything.
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Today's link is Stuff White People Like. It's a web site (and now a book) that reads like a user's guide to getting to know white people, and it's funny because it's pretty painfully spot-on fucking true. Here's the full list, and some sample entries:

#125: Bob Marley. During the course of a white person’s education they will go through many phases including but not limited to: “awkward,” “classic rock,” and “being really into a foreign country.” Of these phases, there is only one that all white people are required to go through before they can obtain their bachelor’s degree. It is known as “Bob Marley.”

#18 Awareness. This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges. Because, the only challenge of raising awareness is people not being aware. In a worst case scenario, if you fail someone doesn’t know about the problem. End of story.

#38 Arrested Development. Since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally . . .
If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

#109 The Onion. It is so popular, that every white person home contains at least one book from The Onion. If that home is occupied exclusively by white men then said book will be located in the bathroom. There are no exceptions.

Well, my Onion Atlas used to be in the bathroom but I value it so highly I moved it, lest it get warped from the humidity. So there!

However, according to the official SWPL Facebook quiz app, I'm not as white as I thought I was:

Based on a total score of 37, you are officially 54% white and a card carrying member of the Shorts Group. Firmly in the shorts group.

Maybe that's a good thing. I'm still shocked that hockey isn't on the list yet. (I'm sure it's coming soon.)