FOR THOSE ABOUT TO MULCH, WE SALUTE YOU

LOST IN THE SUPERMARKET

I bought one of those canisters of parmesan cheese, and on the label it says "Refrigerate After Purchase". What if I had stolen it? Would it be fresh forever? That's what I'm going to have to do next time.

Tropicana is selling a new orange juice product that claims to have "Less than 50% of the sugar and calories of our regular orange juice!" Upon closer inspection, it contains 42% juice, whereas the other OJ is 100% juice. That's right, all they did was add enough water so there was less than 50% juice, and charge you the same amount! Brilliant!


UPN + WB = CV

The UPN and WB networks have failed in their plot to take over the world--heck, they didn't even threaten FOX--and have decided to join forces and call themselves "CV". Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to CRAP VISION!


WHEREFORE ART THOU, JOHN COUGAR?

First, this Indiana boy penned the most overplayed crap song in the history of the 80s, and quite possibly of all recorded musical history, a little diddy named "Jack & Diane". Then he changed his name to "Mellencamp", for some stupid reason, even though Cougar is one of the coolest rock names ever. Now this: he's doing commercials for the NCAA Tournament on CBS, featuring the song "R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A." with altered lyrics. Duke, Memphis, UConn? They were rockin'! Oh lord, make it stop.