2008 STANLEY CUP CONFERENCE FINALS PREVIEW

And then there were four.

Though I only guessed two correctly last time around (Sidsburgh and Detroit), and seriously waffled on my choice of Dallas, I therefore give myself a grade of 2½/4. (It's my blog, so I can do that.) Kris only got 1/4 but let's face it: he's in France illegally bootlegging pirated NHL games through WorldWide interwebs file sharing (or so Congress understands it)--he's a menace to société. Anyway, let's once again reset the teams and look at the conference finals:

Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
(1) Detroit vs. (5) Dallas

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Johan Franzen. He's from Europe! He will disappear this round, as Turc 1.73 is 1000% better than Josie Theodoormat.
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Mike Modano. Last time I checked we're in America dammit, and now that the Canadians have already turned their attention to the IIHF, curling and competitive drinking, it's time to salute the "best American born forward married to a hot wife".
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Chris Chelios. I don't hate him per sé, just the fact that he's worn out his welcome and really should retire already. I am currently tied for playoff points with him, and I haven't skated in over a year.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Brad Richards. He's been lurking, but he's going to be a force in this series.
BEST PLAYOFF BEARD: Marty Turco, who is looking positively Steven Segalian.
X-FACTOR: Chris Osgood. Now that The Dominator has been relegated to bench warmer, it will be up to Ozzy to step up. He won't.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Stars in 7.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference
(2) Pittsburgh vs. (6) Philadelphia

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Sidney Crosby. Yeah, that's redundant since everyone but Penguins fans are sick of him (even though he lives up to the hype).
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Dan "The Man" Briere. How is he not even on the Yahoo! NEB Top 10 Conn Smythe watch list (whatever the hell that is)? Oh, I see you're all in love with R.J. "Grilled" Umberger, who might one day be inducted into the Hall of Nice, but he's no Dan.
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Jarkko Ruutu is every bit a sharp pain in the spleen as Sean Avery, and now the entire country people who get VERSUS will get to meet him. Tied for first: nearly the entire Philthy Lyers squad, led by head douchebag Darien Hatcher.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Pascal Dupuis, mainly because I like saying his name. Try it with me: DOOO-PWEE. That's nice, isn't it?
BEST/WORST PLAYOFF BEARD: Dan "The Man" Briere/Sid "The Kid" Crosby. Their sad attempts to grow facial hair make Jack White look like Iron & Wine's Samuel Beam.
X-FACTOR: MAF. Has the #1 pick finally arrived? I'm not convinced he has, but the talent in front of him is scary good and he won't need to stand on his head (as Biron has been doing for Philthy) in order to win.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Penguins in 6.

BROADCAST SCHEDULE: [NHL] [VERSUS] [FRENCH TV]

UPDATE (3:36 PM): Game 1 of the Philthy @ Sidsburgh series will NOT be broadcast in HD on VERSUS, instead pre-empted in the US by a standard def golf show/replay of the TPC. What a complete joke. I was going to say that this is a case for ESPN/ESPN2 picking up the NHL, but that would mean we'd have to see Don Cherry's grotesque zoot suits in HD. Once again, Bettman sucks.

UPDATE (12:32 AM): Kris, The Biggest Sabres Fan In France, finally chimed in with his picks, and they look quite familiar:

Dallas over Wings
Sidsburgh over PHILTHY

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: DAN THE BOY

I've never really hated Danny Briere, despite calling him Daniella. Yeah he left Buffalo, but it's a business and I'm more upset at the team management for not being able to keep him or Drooo-ry, than at either of those players for leaving.

Well, shocking new testimony by Dan's father, Ro-bear, indicate that he's only 18 years old now and he was drafted at the ripe young age of 11 years old.



Funny stuff.

[Youtube via Yahoo! Experts Blog]

WRIST SHOTS: DAN THE MAN

We've called you Danielle and Daniella. We've questioned your fortitude and your manhood, especially come playoff time. We've doubted you would ever perform at a high level when it counted.

This time around, we were wrong.

We definitely underestimated you, Daniel (the English pronunciation, not the sissy French one that makes you think of prominent chefs). With 14 postseason points (8 G, 5 on the power play) in 11 games, you have more than proven yourself, Danny. Actually, scratch that: you are now Dan the Man.

Your plus/minus in the regular season was -22, making the big free agent signing by the Philthy Lyers look like a misfire. Though you have definitely been boosted by the trade deadline addition of new BFF Vaclav "Vinnie" Prospal, you've been the catalyst for this resurgent squad. Your goal late in the 3rd period of Game 4 last night gave your Lyers a 2-0 lead, which they would eventually win 4-2 with a late PP goal, to help them take a commanding 3-1 series lead against the Canadiens.

Mr. Briere, I hope you weren't offended by the name-calling on this silly little blog. We're really sorry about that. Rest assured, for the remainder of the postseason, when you sit down with your morning poutine and read the latest Open Hockey blog post, you will not be referred to using a girl's name.

(No, I'm still not rooting for the Phucking Lyers, but I thought I at least owed Dan an apology.)

In semi-non-related news, the bachelor party I was supposed to attend in Montréal this weekend has been cancelled due to a "scheduling conflict" (there's a 63% chance this decision was "future wife related") and the festivities moved to Philadelphia. That's right: The City of Cheesesteaks, The City of Brothers Who Are In Love With Each Other, or as I like to call it, The City That's Frequently Caught Napping. So I will not be driving to Canada, putting on a Habs sweater and celebrating a Flyers clinching game by burning a few police cars, making "contact" with a few dancers, and punching anyone wearing orange. Instead, I will be in Philly with non-sports fans sharing a case of Yuengling from Liquorama in Camden, and maybe visiting one of the fine gentlemen's clubs right off the entrance road to the Ben Franklin Bridge before retreating to the Oregon Diner for breakfast at 3 A.M. What a crock of merde. Oh well, c'est la vie.

(Photo courtesy of AP/Tom Mihalek)