WRIST SHOTS: WHY I'M THE KISS OF DEATH

The Stanley Cup Playoffs are humming right along, with both Detroit and Pittsburgh holding commanding leads in their respective series. Once again, I really hope no one listens to me or reads my horrendous blognostications, as everything I've said has been a complete kiss of death. Let's wrap up what damage I've done so far.

CALLED BRIERE "DAN THE MAN" -- In 40:41 of ice time in 2 games, Danny has 2 shots, no points, a -3, and 2 PIM, as he's been hounded by Jordan Staal.

SAID FRANZEN WOULD "DISAPPEAR" -- Johan has been out since Game 1 with a concussion. (Hey, I was right about that one. No, I'm not proud of that.)

PRAISED MARTY TURCO'S POSTSEASON PERFORMANCE -- In 3 games vs. Red Wings, 3.71 GAA, 11 goals allowed on 86 shots (.872 SV%).

PROCLAIMED OSGOOD WOULDN'T STEP UP -- 1.33 GAA, 53 of 57 shots stopped (.930).

PREDICTED THAT DALLAS WOULD WIN -- They are down 3-0 and on the verge of being swept.

LIKED PASCAL DUPUIS -- 0 points, 4 PIM, 3 SOG.

SAID TO WATCH MODANO -- 2 total shots on goal (0 in Game 3).

Blech.

In other words, I'm done with the blognosticating and I'm just going to watch hockey from now on.

Happy golf season, everyone!

2008 STANLEY CUP CONFERENCE FINALS PREVIEW

And then there were four.

Though I only guessed two correctly last time around (Sidsburgh and Detroit), and seriously waffled on my choice of Dallas, I therefore give myself a grade of 2½/4. (It's my blog, so I can do that.) Kris only got 1/4 but let's face it: he's in France illegally bootlegging pirated NHL games through WorldWide interwebs file sharing (or so Congress understands it)--he's a menace to société. Anyway, let's once again reset the teams and look at the conference finals:

Clarence Campbell [Western] Conference
(1) Detroit vs. (5) Dallas

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Johan Franzen. He's from Europe! He will disappear this round, as Turc 1.73 is 1000% better than Josie Theodoormat.
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Mike Modano. Last time I checked we're in America dammit, and now that the Canadians have already turned their attention to the IIHF, curling and competitive drinking, it's time to salute the "best American born forward married to a hot wife".
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Chris Chelios. I don't hate him per sé, just the fact that he's worn out his welcome and really should retire already. I am currently tied for playoff points with him, and I haven't skated in over a year.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Brad Richards. He's been lurking, but he's going to be a force in this series.
BEST PLAYOFF BEARD: Marty Turco, who is looking positively Steven Segalian.
X-FACTOR: Chris Osgood. Now that The Dominator has been relegated to bench warmer, it will be up to Ozzy to step up. He won't.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Stars in 7.

Prince of Wales [Eastern] Conference
(2) Pittsburgh vs. (6) Philadelphia

PLAYER YOU WILL BE SICK OF HEARING ABOUT: Sidney Crosby. Yeah, that's redundant since everyone but Penguins fans are sick of him (even though he lives up to the hype).
PLAYER THEY SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT: Dan "The Man" Briere. How is he not even on the Yahoo! NEB Top 10 Conn Smythe watch list (whatever the hell that is)? Oh, I see you're all in love with R.J. "Grilled" Umberger, who might one day be inducted into the Hall of Nice, but he's no Dan.
PLAYER THAT WILL MAKE YOU HATE NHL HOCKEY: Jarkko Ruutu is every bit a sharp pain in the spleen as Sean Avery, and now the entire country people who get VERSUS will get to meet him. Tied for first: nearly the entire Philthy Lyers squad, led by head douchebag Darien Hatcher.
PLAYER THAT WILL BREAK OUT THIS ROUND: Pascal Dupuis, mainly because I like saying his name. Try it with me: DOOO-PWEE. That's nice, isn't it?
BEST/WORST PLAYOFF BEARD: Dan "The Man" Briere/Sid "The Kid" Crosby. Their sad attempts to grow facial hair make Jack White look like Iron & Wine's Samuel Beam.
X-FACTOR: MAF. Has the #1 pick finally arrived? I'm not convinced he has, but the talent in front of him is scary good and he won't need to stand on his head (as Biron has been doing for Philthy) in order to win.
BLOGNOSTICATION: Penguins in 6.

BROADCAST SCHEDULE: [NHL] [VERSUS] [FRENCH TV]

UPDATE (3:36 PM): Game 1 of the Philthy @ Sidsburgh series will NOT be broadcast in HD on VERSUS, instead pre-empted in the US by a standard def golf show/replay of the TPC. What a complete joke. I was going to say that this is a case for ESPN/ESPN2 picking up the NHL, but that would mean we'd have to see Don Cherry's grotesque zoot suits in HD. Once again, Bettman sucks.

UPDATE (12:32 AM): Kris, The Biggest Sabres Fan In France, finally chimed in with his picks, and they look quite familiar:

Dallas over Wings
Sidsburgh over PHILTHY

NHL PLAYOFFS ROUND 2: FRANCE WEIGHS IN

Here's how I see it for round 2:

Prince of Wales:

(1) Montreal v (6) The Lyers: Last series, I routed against Danielle and he scored 11 points (with 6 goals) in 7 games. The Lyers avoided the game 7 meltdown that everyone was predicting after G6. They managed to overcome the Ovie-hype. I still hate those fuckers. Montreal, on the other hand, managed to drag a 4-game series out to 7 (I wonder how much they pull in at the Molson Centre (Bell Centre? I can't keep up) for two extra games?). Carey Price played a couple games like the dumb rookie that he is. The previous 91 words mean nothing.
Les Habitants en six matches

(2) Penguins v (5) NYR: Sidney Christ (still my preferred name) is starting to get on my nerves. Wait, it's actually the Penguin's bandwagon jumpers are starting to get on my nerves. Sidney plays fine hockey. Malkin's good. Marianne Hossa managed to make it through 5 whole games (a whole series!) without shattering a vital body part. Things are looking up in Western PA. Sidney is good for the sport as a whole: The league needs as much coverage as possible and hopping on Sid's back seems to be the fastest way to more viewer ship. Avery is the biggest twunt to grace a hockey rink since Tie Domi got fired by the Leaves. The Rangers don't really interest me that much. They are, however, a NY hockey team and I am kind of partial to them.
NYR in 6

Campbell Conference

Ugh. I was 3-1 out West and that was pure luck. I know even less now. Meh. What the fuck, I'll give it the old college try.

(1) Detroit v (6) Colorado: I thought Detroit were a lock in the last round and they nearly let the fucking South rise again. Hasek played like a 43-year old geriatrics patient and the Wings didn't impress at all. Colorado also had a bit of trouble with the Wild. I think that Colorado has a chance if they manage to play really well, but I don't think that that will happen. Detroit hasn't been playing great, but they've got too much depth to not make it to the Campbell Conference Finals.
Detroit in 7

(2) SJS v (5) Dallas: I called a Dallas loss last round and I was wrong. I called a Sharks win last round and minus a few Roenick heroics, I was wrong. I don't know. The Sharks have been destined by many a talking head to be this year's Cup recipients, but I wasn't really impressed with their game against Calgary. Ugh. Enough bullshit. I'm going against Dallas again.
SJS in 6

WELCOME TO THE 2007-08 NHL SEASON (THAT'S ICE HOCKEY, BY THE WAY)

Hey, guess what? The NHL is back! That's right, the 2007-08 season is already underway! No, really, I just checked. You haven't heard anything? That strikes me as strange, since the commissioner of the league is a supposed marketing guru. Interesting.

In case you were wondering, NHL.tv's CENTER/CENTRE ICE ONLINE is a crock. Though they gave the impression that you get unlimited access to hockey games, during the free preview most games were blacked out for no apparent reason. In fact, Vancouver and Calgary was blacked out for those with New York addresses, and since we border Canada we're practically in Alberta. The price? $149 if you sign up before October 19 (when it goes up to $169). You've got to be joking. I hope this includes the TV version too. Everything that MLB.com has done well, the NHL.tv has managed to screw up, making this a missed opportunity if ever there was one. As always, Bettman sucks.

Now let's talk some LOCAL PUCKAGE!

Devils backup goalie Kevin Weekes, called into action due to Marty having "personal business" to attend to, was peppered with 21 shots IN THE FIRST PERIOD in Florida on Saturday, yet still got the Devils first (and, so far, only) win of the season. While their offense is young and better than most think (no, I don't miss the injured Langenbrunner, who never impressed me), I do think this Devils defense is its biggest weakness. Oduya? Yes, yes I do, though I do like Oduya. Personally, I don't see them as falling off as much as others do, but they will have more trouble winning games. Sutter has them forechecking more than I've ever seen, so maybe there's an adjustment period for them. Let's just hope they get into the playoffs and Marty is rested enough to make a run for it.

New Islander Bill Guerin already has 5 assists in the two games against Buffalo to start the season. Not bad, but I don't think this alone will get the Isles back in the playoffs. However, let's see if the Islanders can continue their dominance over the Rangers with tonight's matchup.

The Rangers' Steve Avery is already out for a substantial amount of time wih a separated shoulder after getting cleanly checked by Chris Neil on Saturday. Sure, Buffalo fans like Kris The Biggest Sabres Fan In France might agree that Neil Sucks Ass, but there was nothing dirty about this elbowing. This is a considerable loss, since Avery is not only a pest, but more talented than most people realize. Still, this is a deep team. Not sure why Jagr is matched up with Straka again instead of the newest Devil in A Blue Shirt Scotty Gomez--wasn't that the whole point of getting him in the first place?

Here's my BLOGNOSTICATIONS for the 2007-08 season (postseason contenders listed in order of blognosticated finish):

Campbell Conference: Detroit, San Jose, Anaheim, Minnesota, Vancouver, Colorado, Edmonton, Calgary.
Yeah, I picked a lot of Canadian teams, but that's the way it should be. I picked San Jose to win it all last year, so that shows you how much I know. But the Wings, damn them they're going to be good again.
Most improved: Colorado. And Mike Keenan in Calgary should be interesting . . . for a while.
#9: St Louis. So close, and yet so far.

Wales Conference: Ottawa, NY Rangers, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Washington, Toronto, New Jersey, Boston. Ottawa is going to run away with that division, and possibly the league, though I have no doubt they'll find some way to blow it in the postseason.
Most improved: Boston, riding the coattails of the Patriots' championship in February, will finally make the playoffs, validating Claude Julien's existence. There were so many choices for that #8 team, I could have easily put in Tampa Bay, Carolina or Atlanta but I didn't because I'm sick of the damn southern teams. Plus, I want to see the Bruins turn this thing around (even more than I want to see the Red Sox lose to the Indians this week). And yes, I put NYR vs. NJ for the 2/7 first round matchup, because I'm cheeky like that.
#9: Philly. They're going to strike out more than Ryan Howard this year! One can only hope, anyway.

Okay, I've got to run to watch the Rangers play the Isles @ the Mausoleum. POTVIN SUCKS!

NOTES ON THE 2007 NFL SEASON: BIG BLEW!

• Before the Week 1 games started, Rob & I could rattle off over a dozen teams off the top of our heads that we couldn't name the starting QB for: Minnesota, Houston, Oakland, Miami, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Denver, Cleveland, Detroit, Atlanta, Washington, Tampa Bay, San Francisco, Kansas City. That's 14 teams out of 32 that don't even have a recognizable player leading their offense! Sad, but true. I'm not saying that every QB in the 1990s was a world beater, but at least they were household names, either in the pros or college or both.

• Because of the ridiculous size and speed of NFL players, I commented that someone is going to suffer a horrible crippling injury this year, or perhaps even die on the field during a game. Sure enough, Buffalo tight end Kevin Everett suffered a severe spinal injury during their Week 1 vs. Denver. When you have 280 pound HGH-fueled behemoths who can run 4.6 second 40-yard dashes collide at full speed, things like this are bound to happen.

• CBS does the best job of all the networks, especially with the NFL. They have the best announcers (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms, Gus Johnson, Chris Gumbel, etc), the nicest looking HD broadcast, and the least caustic pregame show (for those who feel the need to watch them). ESPN treats Monday Night Football like it's the Video Music Awards; NBC has determined you need 17 analysts to properly deliver the game to you (Keith Olbermann? Really?); FOX's pregame circus is irritating, as is their endless in-game promos and distracting (and unnecessarily noisy) game graphics.

(Add to this that CBS hosts The Masters and the NCAA tournament, and there's no contest.)

• No one gives a fuck what Tiki Barber has to say. No one. Wait, let me count again. Nope, still zero.

• Putting a captain's C on various NFL players is pretty stupid. There's also no rhyme or reason to it: it might be an offensive player, 2 defensive players, or both, or neither. Note to NFL: the captaincy thing only works in NHL hockey.

• For my money (e.g., for free), Kissing Suzy Kolber is the funniest goddam NFL site out there, bar none. In fact, I can't read regular non-humorous sports websites anymore.

• Last and least: The Giants. As they proved last night what we already knew: their secondary is among the worst in the league, they can't rush the QB, and their running game is a huge question mark (and Jacobs is now hurt), putting the load mostly on Eli Womanning's fragile, supple shoulders. The Giants will finish 7-9 and miss the playoffs, and Coach Screaming Coughlin will finally have his ass canned. Yep, I foresee another crap season for BIG BLEW!

2007 NFL BLOGNOSTICATIONS!

• Biggest surprises: New Orleans will not make the playoffs, while Cincinnati finally will . . . if they post bail. ZING! (I am officially the 1 millionth blog to make that joke. Thanks.)

• NFC playoff teams: Dallas, Chicago, Carolina, Seattle, Philly, Green Bay
• AFC playoff teams: Indy, Pittsburgh, NE, Cincy, SD, Denver
• Super Bowl: San Diego over Seattle

UPDATE: Eli injured his shoulder, and may be out next week--I told you he had fragile shoulders. Bring on the Pillsbury Throwboy! Also hurting: Jets QB Chad Paperthin!

BLOGNOSTICATIONS: THE YEAR IN REVIEW

2006 was another year. That's all I can say, it wasn't bad or good, it was just THERE. I didn't work this week and didn't do a thing, and even those at work were probably just idling AND waiting for the year to end. So let's just turn the damn calendar over already. Maybe I'll slap together a Top Ten things in 2006 that didn't piss me off year-in-review crap list for the Eye=Opener, eventually. Until then, this is all I've got. Enjoy.

NOTES FROM CAPITALONE BOWL WEEK. Once again, there were some fun games to watch. Here are my notes:

Hawai'i Bowl. Strangely enough this game was played in Hawaii, and featured Hawaii vs. someone. That someone was AZ state, and QB Colt Brennan (great name!) lit him up for a record 558 yards and 5 TDs in a 41-24 win.

Because they couldn't come to an agreement with the stadium vendors, there was no pizza served at the Papa John's Bowl. What a retarded country we live in.

Emerald Nut Bowl. There were 3 Emerald Nut sacks in the game.

Meineke "George Foreman Has Himself And A Family To Feed" Car Care Bowl. You always have to root for the service academies in these bowl games, so it was a heartbreaker to see Navy fumble this game away, allowing BC to kick a game-winning FG as time expired. Ugh.

Sun Bowl. The Oregon State coach displayed the biggest set of balls by going for 2 with time running out to win 39-38. I think their D was out of gas anyway, so it was a good choice.

Insight Bowl. Featuring the biggest bowl game comeback ever, the Texas Tech Red Raiders, down 4 TDs at the half and 38-7 with 7:47 in the 3rd, came storming back to win 44-41 in OT. That was fun to watch.

Texas Bowl. And of course, the mighty Scarlet Knights of Rutgers dominated K-State to win their first bowl game 37-10. Way to go, RU!

THE YEAR IN BLOGNOSTICATIONS. I went 6/8 in the NHL playoffs, didn't guess a single golf major correctly, got nearly every MLB postseason guess wrong, and nailed Pat Quinn's firing within 24 hours. A mixed bag to say the least.

As for the National Fucktard Football League, I said McNabb would get hurt in Week 10 (right on!), Sweet Shaun Alexander would get hit with the Madden Curse (he did). Of course, I also thought the Jets would win 3 (they won 10!), and that Detroit would be improved (they lost 13, vs. "only" 11 last year). I also (not) famously said the Giants would go 8-8 and miss the playoffs . . . which contradicted this earlier post, where I said they'd go 9-7 and make the playoffs. Huh? Whatever, they still suck. And Tiki singlehandedly carried them in Week 17, and they made it in despite the "efforts" of Eli and the coaching staff. (Why can't Tiki stay and the REST of the team retire?) Overall, I had no idea how much the NFC was going to blow. Regardless, I got 8/12 playoff teams correct, so there.

FINAL NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Pittsburgh (+6) will beat Cincinnati. I had faith in Ocho Cinco, but the Bungles stinko, and so does my lousy Bears/Bengals Big Game #41 prediction. (I think San Diego is scary good, which means they won't win.)

That's it. I'm tired from doing nothing.

HAPPY 2007 EVERYONE!