Thursday, September 7, 2006


tikiThe 2006 NFL season is upon us! It all starts with the special Thursday night kickoff classic, or something. This game will feature . . . Pittsburgh's Charlie Batch and Miami's Daunte Culpepper? Is that a typo? Ugh, who cares. Okay, the real NFL season starts Sunday, with a full slate of games culminating with the Giants and Colts going Manning a Manning on Sunday night. Unless you count the two (TWO?) Monday night games. In other words, enjoy a game every night of the week! Ugh.

Things to look for this year:
* The players are bigger and scarier than ever, so expect a QB to suffer some sort of horrible career ending injury this year.
* More teams are going to have double digit losses than last year.
* Don't be fooled by their new snazzy uniforms, those are the same referees as last year, and they are still going to suck!
* Those who own a copy of Madden 07 on XBOX 360 will actually be able to control the play calling during select games.

I know everyone was waiting for my world famous blognostications™ for the 2006 season, and dammit you're in luck because HERE THEY ARE!

BEST MOST COMPETITIVE DIVISION: NFC East. The Beast is back! I see all these teams being legitimate contenders. Except Dallas. Well, and Washington. Okay, maybe it's not that great. With the Giants rough schedule, and the Eagles being healthy again (at least until McNabb gets hurt in Week 10), and with serial nutjobs T.O. and Portis possibly saving/destroying their individual teams, they'll all finish 9-7.

BEST DIVISION: AFC North. It's anyone's guess who wins this, as the Steelers and appendix-less Roethlisberger are coming back down to Earth, and the Bengals and Ravens are going to be much improved. Only the Browns will stink up the place.

WORST DIVISION: AFC South. Jacksonville? Houston? Tennesee? These teams all su-diddly-uck. If the Colts don't sweep this division, they should be ashamed of themselves. Although that Peyton Manning has some funny commercials. So he's got THAT going for him, which is nice.



MADDEN CURSE: Shaun Alexander is on the cover of the videogame this year. Expect a torn something about halfway through the season.

WORST TEAM: It's a dead heat between the 49ers, Raiders and the Jets. I think the Niners Alex Smith will start to come around, and the Raiders . . . wait, Art Shell is coaching them? I think Al Davis needs to have his meds adjusted. The Jets have Kevin Barlow (who wasn't good enough for the 49ers) starting the season at RB and Chad Paperton at QB, so how are they going to score? Answer: they're not. Expect a 3 win season from the J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!

GUY I'M MOST SICK OF: Brett Favre. You have a Super Bowl win, MVP awards, passing records, and "There's Something About Mary" on your resume. I know you enjoy the sports media and all of Wisconsin collectively kissing your ass, but it's time to go. You can't help this team win anymore. Enough already.

GUY I'M LEAST SICK OF: Tiki Barber. A class act all the way, I hope he shoves a few more 200 yard games down his opposing defenses' throats.

MOST IMPROVED TEAM: Detroit Lions. In a crap division and a favorable schedule, they should be able to make a run. Oh, and they no longer have Joey Harrington.

LEAST IMPROVED TEAM: Kansas City Chiefs. QB Trent Green is getting a little long in the tooth, and they STILL have no defense, only adding castoff Ty Law to the secondary. Combine that with a brutal schedule and coach Herm Edwards, and you have a team watching the playoffs from home.

PLAYOFF BOUND (AFC): Bengals, Patriots, Colts, Chargers, Steelers, Ravens
PLAYOFF BOUND (NFC): Bears, Giants, Eagles, Cardinals, Panthers, Seahawks

SUPER BOWL XLI GAME #41: Bears beat Bengals.


Kris said...

Wait, wait...Ok, without any real access to US Football for the last 3 years (come on NASN), I'm a little out of it. I know that Dallas being the NFC East has always been a bit strange, but Indy is in the AFC South even though it is conspicuously "North" of the AFC North Bengals? WTF? Can someone please get the NFL a subscription to Google Earth Pro.

Jeff K said...

First of all, only 13% of American young adults age 18-24 can find Iraq on a map, 51% can find New York state, and 99% can find the nearest McDonald's. Second, scienticians have proven that Indiana cannot be found on any map, and once you enter you cannot leave.

Actually, it's better than it used to be, when Phoenix was in the East and Atlanta in the West.