WHEN HEADLINES ATTACK!

Is 'telephone telepathy' real?
No. I just saved you from reading the article. (You're welcome.)

British airport disruption cost airline $76 million
Bloody hell, that's a lot of tiny bags of honey roasted peanuts!

Jogger rescued after 4 days stuck in the muck
Another reason just to say in the house.

Last survivor from JFK limo dies
I smell conspiracy! There's no way someone dies at age 87 without some "magic bullet" being involved.

Tearful Agassi bids farewell to U.S. Open
I'm thankful that the Andre Agassi love fest is over. I couldn't stand it anymore: the annoying Open crowd (cheering wildly at all the wrong times, like when his opponent faulted on a serve), the constant cutaway reaction shots of his wife Steffi Graf and his friends, the video clips showing his 80s "image is everything" commercials, watching him limping around like he'd just been repeatedly stabbed in the hamstring. Most of all, between him and Mark Messier, I'm sick of watching grown bald men cry.

Growing doubts in U.S. about military strategy
Really? You think so? That headline is almost as shocking as this one:

Griffey out indefinitely
Yeah, of course he is.

Tiger clinches 8th Player of the Year award
Another non-surprising headline, as Tiger takes the Douche Bag--uhm Deutsche Bank Invitational to win his 5th straight tourney. Vijay was in the lead after a 3rd round 61, but only managed a 68 when paired with Tiggs on Monday who shot a final round 63 to win it. It's just remarkable what he's accomplishing; you're watching history, folks. If you're not watching history, there's something wrong with you, so enjoy "Big Brother" or some other crap like that.

Opinion: How to stop Tiger
"What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg, right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game."

Irwin was never afraid to bring nature in close
Well, that's an understatement! Everyone is expressing shock over this freak accident, but did we really see him dying of old age? Well, for the sake of his wife and two kids, he should have. Anyway, R.I.P. Steve Irwin, crazy Australian guy.

Note to the cameraman who filmed his death: I will pay you ONE MILLION DOLLARS to destroy the tape. That's right. Anyone who wants to see this guy die on tape is a vile, depraved individual who has no respect for anyone. Either that, or you're sick of the stupid lonelygirl15 hoax on YouTube. I think that site has jumped the stingray.