FALL TV PREVIEW 2006

The new TV season is here, and it's going to be a humdinger of a dandy! Here are some season premiere highlights:

The FOX Sunday lineup (Sept. 10) has four premieres: The Simpsons, Simpsons-ripoff The Family Guy, Family Guy-ripoff American Dad, and . . . uhm, a fourth show that's highly derivative of another FOX show that I can't remember the name of right now.

Survivor 13: Cook Islands (Sept. 14). The "ethnically divided" version of the show is the most bitter and vicious one yet! Will it end up being the "Spook Islands", "Gook Islands", "Spic Islands" or "Cracker Islands"? You'll have to watch and find out! No, seriously, please watch or creator Mark Burnett will be forced to live on the island without any designer clothes or caviar. (Hey, that's not any less PC than the show already is.)

Law & Order: SVU (Sept. 19). Since they're pretty much out of plot ideas at this point, this episode revolves around the main characters going out to lunch, playing poker, and arguing over who gets the new parking spaces.

The Office (NBC, Sept 21). Jim, after having his romantic advances thwarted by the engaged Pam, comes into work heavily armed and shoots several co-workers. During the melee, Dwight manages to deflect a bullet aimed at his heart by using a fake katana sword. The bullet then ricochets and hits Pam, who had just returned from her honeymoon, killing her instantly. Out of bullets, Jim is then beaten to death by Ryan with a ream of canary yellow copy paper. Meanwhile, Michael gets promoted to district manager and gets his boss Jan pregnant, and the fat guy and the black guy say funny things at some point.

Gilmore Girls (CWBXQY, Sept. 26). Lorelei is distraught about just banging her ex-husband, and drowns her sorrows in quadruple Vicodin lattes. Rory poses nude for a local magazine, and then realizes too late that she's been tricked, as she's in Vermont and there ARE no local magazines. Death Cab for Cutie and the Kim Jong-Il make cameos.

My Name Is Earl (Sept. 21). Earl crosses off someone from his "karma" list while acting like white trash, probably.

The Amazing Race 10 (Sept. 16). The Emmy winner adds some interesting twists to its proven formula: some legs of the race require contestants to drive drunk, fly their own planes, and mud wrestle (females only) at the pitstop to determine who goes home. Host Phil Keoghan will be doing a lot more taunting of the teams this year, and will frequently be nude.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, Sept. 18). Who the hell watches this? It's still on?

LOST (ABC, Oct 4). After all the stupid website nonsense over the summer, the highly anticipated Season 3 in finally on TV. They reveal several secrets: they're still trapped on the island, but things are not what they seem; someone's life gets threatened; someone's faith is questioned; someone else is under suspicion for doing something wrong. Also, the Others play the Tailies in a highly suspenseful game of beach volleyball, and everyone on the island agrees that no one gives a crap about Kate's lame backstory.

Scrubs (NBC, ???). Basement-dwelling NBC doesn't even realize that this is one of their funniest shows. It probably won't be on until January or something. Of course, when the website has a "Name the Baby" vote, maybe it's time to end it.