NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: SCHADENBRADY

I thought it was about time I chimed in on the whole Tom Brady issue. In Week 1 this season, NFL's Golden Boy QB had the ACL and MCL in his left knee torn asunder, knocking him out for the rest of the season. Just allow me to say one thing: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

After his team was caught cheating last year he became Bill "Bully" Belichick's bitch, gleefully running up the score on every team (except the stellar Giants D in the Super Bowl, of course), which makes this injury sweet karmic retribution for everyone involved. If the Super Bowl XLII loss was the icing on the cake, this is the cherry soaked in bourbon and dipped in fine dark chocolate.

The best thing about it is the whining of New England fans. Their tears taste like drops of the finest Belgian abbey ale, and their cries of "the NFL won't be the same!" (god, I hope this is a joke, but I fear it's not) are like a sweet Mozart violin concerto to my ears.

Boston.com blog - Tom Brady Injured
Boston.com blog - Brady Out For Season
Brady out: This one really hurts

Curt Schilling, speaking on behalf of all Masshole douchebags, claims that NY fans are happy about Brady's injury because they're mad that the Yankees stink this season and are jealous of the Boston teams' success. Nope, that's not it, jackass! While I respect Brady's talent, I hate everything that he represents. In my opinion, the NFL can only improve with his absence, as their joyless (and unsuccessful) crusade towards an undefeated season last year sucked the fun out of the game. Now we can see what the other teams in the AFC East are made of, and if that mumbling prick Belichick can coach a team to victory without his smug, supermodel-shagging poster boy. (Bill's career regular season coaching record with Brady is 86-29, and without Brady: 42-58. Staggering.) Also, we'll see if they're a real "team", whose leader is now RANDY freaking MOSS, who conveniently claims to have hurt his back on the SAME PLAY as Brady's knee injury. Yeah, sure.

I wouldn't really feel this way if Pats fans weren't the most insufferable, arrogant fans on the planet--but they are, and I do. And you KNOW they would have raised their doucheiness to all-new levels had this happened to Favre or either Manning. No, it's not schadenfreude, it's just that warm gleeful feeling I get when I realize that there might be some higher justice in the world. Hey, at least it gives Pats fans a built-in excuse if they don't do well this year.

Whatever. Now Tommy B. gets to rehab his knee just like Tiger did: while banging smoking hot chicks on a bed made of money. Let's stop crying and play some football.

Of course, The Onion knocked this one out of the park as well: Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury:

Unfortunately for the NFL, Brady's loss seems to have affected more than just the Patriots and women. Many Boston-area fans of both genders, claiming that the team isn't worth watching without Brady, have concentrated their attention on the waning and somewhat disheveled Red Sox season or the attractive upcoming Celtics' NBA title defense. The sports media has likewise gone into shock, with columnist Bill Simmons saying he will no longer watch football this season, Sports Illustrated canceling large Brady-themed sections of this years' upcoming swimsuit issue, and NBC Football Night In America analyst Cris Collinsworth bursting into tears and collapsing into Peter King's arms upon receiving the news.

"No one else in football has Brady's unique talents—the physical gifts of build, height, arms, cheekbones, piercingly sultry field vision, the combination of arm strength and accuracy with a sense of tenderness, the combination of smirk and pout—along with the intangibles and the ability to look good in everything," said Tom Chiarella, who scouted and evaluated Brady for the September issue of Esquire. "It's impossible to estimate the impact of his loss, but it will almost certainly mean the loss of most female fans, many Boston-area fans, fair-weather fans, and the majority of mainstream media fans. The NFL is really looking at a worst-case scenario here, one that it never wanted to happen: A football season that's only watched by actual football fans."

2007 NFC CHAMPION GIANTS: TYNES IS MONEY

Game winning kicks like this bring out the punsters. These are the worst I could come up with (which means I'm sure some of these have been used):

IT'S ABOUT TYNES!
TYNES IS MONEY!
FOURTH TYNES A CHARM!
OVER-TYNES WINNER!
TYNES TO MAKE THE DONUTS!
TYNES ARE THOSE POINTY THINGS ON A FORK!



That will never, ever get old.

Some things I learned this Sunday:

1. Fuck you, Joe Buck, for calling this exciting end to a thrilling game like you were reading the Starbucks coffee menu. It almost sounds like you were disappointed by the outcome. Your father, Jack Buck, was a legendary announcer. You sir, are a twunt. (We should make the use of this word a regular OH blog feature.)

2. Plaxico Burress sure can have a huge game when he wants to. Enjoy watching Plaxico make Pro Bowl safety Al Harris his bitch. I know I did!

3. The officiating in the NFL is still horrendous. This highlight reel mentions Sam Madison's personal foul call, a mysterious penalty which was somehow missed by all 34 FOX cameras and therefore, as Rob postulated, doesn't exist. Also Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film: Chris Snee's holding call, which erased a go-ahead 4th quarter Bradshaw TD.

4. Speaking of Bradshaws, Terry was the only broadcaster who actually picked the Giants to win. But then again, he's insane.

5. I've heard/seen this 100 times already this week: no one gives a shit that Eddie Murphy predicted the outcome of this game 20 years ago in "Coming To America". And your opinion is wrong, as the movie was not funny.

6. God, I fucking hate the two week break before the BIG GAME. To avoid litigation, Rob has suggested we call it HYPER-MATCH 101010. That would look great on a T-shirt.

7. I love my dad, but watching a game with him multiplies the agony and frustration by a factor of 100.

8. FOX spent more time promoting Tom Petty's halftime show than the actual game. What are his fans called, PETTYPHILES?

GIANTS FOOTBALL: UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

I think the word for this would be UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE.

It’s Good, and Giants Head to Super Bowl



Yes, this is the team that I blognosticated would go 7-9 this year. Instead, this enigmatic squad of ne'er-do-wells proved me wrong and made it to BIG GAME­­ #42. It's bizarre, but they got hot at the right time, and Elisha has gone 3 games in a row without a fumble or INT. After witnessing their past playoff debacles, I figured they'd miss that 36 yard game winning FG attempt, but could never have predicted the Corey Webster INT and the 47 yard winner in OT. Unfathomable.

So the Giants are now 4-0 in NFC Championship Games. In BIG GAME history? Uhm, not undefeated. Still, it's been an interesting ride, one that will probably give me a heart attack before it's over. Now they meet the undefeated wicked good Patriots, and Mr. Bookless said it best: "If there is some way the Giants could beat NE in the [biggest football game of the year] I would walk away from watching professional sports. There would simply be no way to ever top that."

I'd have to agree, I'd definitely kiss the NFL goodbye if that happened. But I'd still watch golf and hockey.

So just allow me to repeat the chant screamed by Giants fans who survived the ice bowl at Lambeau last night: LET'S GO GIANTS!

G-MEN BEAT COWGIRLS

Hard to believe.

Giants Advance to the N.F.C. Championship

Yes, the NFL still blows and that was a painful game to endure, with horrible officiating and approximately 65 penalties. But Elisha and the Giants held on to beat the Cowgirls, 21-17, and holy crap was that satisfying to watch. They will now meet the Packers at the Frozen Tundra next Sunday. The forecast? "Mostly sunny and cold, with a high near 7." That's Fahrenheit, and that's fucking cold. Anyway, I'm rooting for snow, since it was fun watching that Pack/Seahawks game in whiteout conditions.

Meanwhile, Peyton will be going home, as the Chargers beat the Colts for the rights to be bitchslapped by the Patriots in the AFC title game. Basically, all the Giants needed was for me to pick against them; I went an incredible 1-3 on my weekend blognostications, and that means I'm done for the season. I'm just going to (try to) enjoy the game next week. (I still think they're going to lose.)

GO GIANTS!

UPDATE (11:01 PM): I just saw a clip of TO crying during the postgame press conference, right after a shot of a somehow even paler Jerry Jones looking like he was ready to collapse directly into a coffin. God, I could not be happier right now.

WHY THE NFL BLOWS, AND WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING MORE GOLF

Everyone says this is "the most exciting weekend in the NFL season". However, I beg to differ, and say that maybe 1 of the 4 games this weekend will even be remotely watchable. In other words, lower your expectations.

Here are my blognostications in a nutshell:

* The Packers stink, and somehow will lose to the Seahawks. Yeah, I know, I've been saying that Green Bay is good all year, but they really aren't.

* The Giants will lose in Big D in some bizarre fashion, and we will have to see 45 pictures of Romo and Jessica Simpson in the process. But not to worry: Fucking Coach Coughlin will get a 3 year extension.

* The Colts will beat the Chargers in the most boring game ever, featuring an NFL record number of false start penalties.

* The Pats will romp the Jags, giving birth to even more arrogant Massholes.

There you have it. The NFL. Meh.

But this is the crux of my posting: I saw a "Quest For Lombardi" commercial the other day, referencing the trophy named after the legendary coach that's awarded to the Super Big Game winner. However, they had the nerve to put Terrell Owens in this commercial. He is the polar opposite of everything Lombardi believed in. He could care less about teamwork, respect, dedication to the sport, and winning. TO is all about TO, and he couldn't give two shits about his teammates, his coaches, the fans, the media, or anyone that isn't named "Terrell Owens".

The whole "I might not play because I'm so badly injured" drama preceding the Giants game basically serves two purposes: 1) to give him an excuse if he has a shitty game, and 2) to get the media to lavish attention on him. It's pathetic what this league, and the sports media, has become. To put it bluntly, the league is shitting all over its own tradition by saying "TO" and "Lombardi" in the same breath. The NFL should be ashamed of itself, and its billions of dollars.

This may not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me or reads this blog, but golf is really the only pure sport that's left. Last night I came to the realization that it is the only sport that is universally appreciated. The NFL is only big in the States, soccer is big everywhere but the US, hockey is only really popular in North America, baseball is not followed at all in Europe, F1 racing isn't as big as NASCAR in the States--you get the picture. In addition, there are no contracts, no incentive clauses, trades, free agency, or superagents. When you leave the golf course at the end of a tournament, you are paid exactly what you deserve according to how you performed on the golf course. Period.

So as always, I'm just going to be watching more golf. Less than 90 days until the Masters!

WAYS TO MAKE SUNDAY'S JETS/PATRIOTS GAME MORE COMPETITIVE

In the epic battle between the 3-10 Jets vs. the 13-0 Patriots, a game for the ages in which the Patriots were initially favored by 27 points--ahhh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a complete shitshow. I'll tune in, but I'm really just praying for a snowstorm, a season-ending injury and a possible fist fight between coaches.

How could the NFL make this game more competitive? We asked the experts (ourselves) and here's some of their proposals:

• When Patriots have the ball, they have a “shot clock”: they have to score or turn the ball over in 24 seconds. (Rob)
• Patriots have to play with sausage in their pockets while wild dogs run free on the field. (Rob)
• 3 times per half, Jets are allowed to call time and stop the action at any point during the play. (Rob)
• When the Jets are on offense, a Wilson Pee Wee size football is used. When Patriots are on offense, a cannonball is used. (Rob)
• Tom Brady will be "steady QB" (he has to play for both sides). (Karl)
• Patriots offense must wear blindfolds. (Jeff K)
• Jets offense: first down = 5 pts. (Jeff K)
• Patriots defense must shout out 7 "Mississippis" before rushing the QB. (Jeff K)
• Jets defense can use two-hand touch. (Jeff K)
• Jets and Pats cheerleaders both allowed on the field of play. (Karl)
• Randy Moss must get shock collar, [Jets' coach] Mangini gets to hold the remote trigger. (Karl)
• For a touch of realism, the Patriots can only wear clothing made before 1776, including those stupid tri-corner hats instead of helmets, while the Jets are allowed to advance the ball by using actual jets. (Jeff K)
• Jets get extra points for "clown catches". For example, diving catch = 3 points. A diving catch in end zone = 7 x 3 = 21 points. (Kris)
• Game must be played mano a mano in Madden 08. (Karl)
  

• Jets must use one of those super-distance Nerf balls, along with Velcro stick-em gloves. (Jeff K)
• Pats must use the skin of a freshly killed pig. (Jeff K)
• Jets: extra points if Suzy Kolber kisses Joe Namath. ("I could care less about the team struggggling.") Pats: negative points if Amanda Kremer kisses Tom Brady. (Jeff K)

LIVE BLOG: NINERS @ GIANTS - 2ND HALF

3rd Quarter
Okay, so much for the D playing well. Madison is apparently done for the day, as he let Ashley Lelie, proud owner of one of the NFL's sissiest names, slip behind him and catch a bomb from Trent Fucking Dilfer down inside the 30 yard line.

After a group sack, Antonio Pierce jumped into the pile about 5 seconds after the play ended. He's has been called for two roughing the pansy penalties, and he's been very late on both of them. Calm down, Tony.

According to this fucking creepy commercial, Old Spice deodorant will grow hair on your chest. I guarantee people who are balding will start rubbing this on their heads.

UMENYIORA!!! He just pummeled Dilfer (for season sack #8), picked up a fumble and ran it back 77 yards for a TD. That's more like it! He didn't have to do that "stop just before the end zone and back in and spike it" though, but I'll take it. Since the Niners were about to score, I think it's safe to say that was the official turning point of the game. 26-7 Giants.

Eli is sacked, followed by a blocked punt out the back of the end zone for a safety. Sweet fancy moses. The Niners comeback begins now. 26-9 Giants.

I mentioned my favorite memory regarding these two teams, so here's my least favorite: the 49ers beating the Giants 39-38 in the NFC divisional game on Jan 6, 2003. The game ended on a botched winning FG attempt, and a pass interference call that the refs admitted later that they blew. Although it never should have gotten to that point, as the 49ers came back from being down 38-14 at one point. This was the game that taught me two things: 1) never get too emotionally attached to a sports team, and 2) never trust the referees ever again.

Shockey just fought for a nice first down to the 38 yard line, 13 yards on 3rd and 10. Now, THAT'S the Shockey I want to see more of.

I don't think Eli is happy with his career best 60% completion percentage, so he decided to overthrow Plax Mouthrinse by about 40 yards. I also get the feeling that he's starting to pick up his brother's annoying pre-snap routine. He shouldn't be allowed to talk to Peyton at all during the season.

I think UPS using a song by the band Postal Service for their commercials is an ironic slap in the face.

What is that graphic wipe? A black ghost of some sort? It's not as fucking ponderous as the Transformers logo, but it's close.

Punt, commercial, one play, commercial. What the fuck, NFL? Since the UMENYIORA fumble recovery TD, this game has been completely shitty. Let's check some other scores. Only 42 points for the Pats? They took their foot off the gas pedal, very disappointing.

4th Quarter
This Niners team is not good at all. This game is over. That's right, I said it.

The CD player is on full time now, playing Portishead's "It Could Be Sweet". If they keep winning like this, it could be sweet, indeed.

And Pierce intercepts a Dilfer pass and takes it down to the 5. Nice tackle by Dilfer too. I don't understand why they're passing constantly, when their only offensive threat is Gore.

Give it to Jacobs four straight times if you have to now, boys.

On 3rd down, we have a roughing the pansy call on Eli, due to a weak "blow to the head" call. 1st down and goal. Like I said, GIVE IT TO JACOBS FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. DON'T MAKE ME DRIVE DOWN TO EAST RUTHERFORD.

Okay, play action pass to Shockey for a TD. That's fine with me. Is that his first score this season? (Edit: no, it's his second, he had one vs. the Jets.) 33-9 Giants.

FOX is already done with this game too, as they show the Giants' upcoming schedule: @MIA, bye, DAL, @DET, MIN. And none of those games are at 8 PM! Hmmm, 3-1 is not out of the question over that stretch. Hopefully, this is the same defense that shows up against Dallas.

Frank Gore has only gotten the ball 14 times all day, only thrice in the 2nd half. When you're putting the game on Dilfer's shoulders, you are probably going to lose. (Edit: Gore has spent a lot of time on the bench "with an ankle". I spent a lot of time on the coach "with an ankle" as well.) Although he's got the Favre stubble look down. Good for Trent.

Career high for Jacobs, 107 yards and a TD. We're going to need to see more of that.

4 minutes left, and we have a QB Anthony Wright sighting, as he's running around in his own end zone. Yeesh. What about WR Scientific Mix? I can't take any more of this. Giants win 33-15.

Look at these awful late games: KC @ OAK, NYJ @ CIN, CHI @ PHL, STL @ SEA, MIN @ DAL, PIT @ DEN at 8 PM. Good lord. The Redskins somehow won (Cards missed a late 2 point conversion that would have tied it up), so I'm rooting for a Dallas loss at 4 PM, and I hope Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson lights them up.

Here's your stats for the Pats' QB in their 49-24 win: 21/25, 354 YDS, 6 TD (career high), 0 INT. They are just pummeling the crap out of the league right now, and Brady has been just stellar.

The Texans scored 29 points in the 4th to go ahead 36-35 with 2:16 left, only to lose on a last second FG to the Titans, 38-36. Ha ha ha ha! The NFL! It's shitastic!

LIVE BLOG: NINERS @ GIANTS - 1ST HALF

San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants.

I'm going to live blog this for the hell of it, because I can. The G-Men, winners of 4 in a row, are way overdue for a letdown game that Coughlin coached teams always have. This could be the week! Woo hoo!

1st Quarter
I tuned in at 1:03 PM and so far there hasn't been one video clip of Leonard Marshall obliterating Joe Montana. What are you waiting for, jackasses? I also heard that Matt Bahr and Jeff Hostetler were on hand for the coin toss, but it wasn't televised. Thanks for the voluminous ALCS promos though. Fuck you right in the pants, FOX.

The Niners have a pathetic 63 points scored in 5 games. We thought the Bills 65 points was awesomely bad, but that's sad.

A relatively impressive opening drive for the Giants, scoring on a TD pass to Amani Toomer. 49 TDs is the new Giants record, previously held by Kyle Rote. No, I actually don't know who held it before. (Edit: It actually was Rote.) And the PAT was missed. God, this team is going to be the death of me. 6-0 Giants.

They just said "because of the heat down here the Giants are trying to get the Niners defense to run a lot". It's a beautiful sunny 68 degree fall day. What heat? Oh, it's Tony Siragusa who is bothered by the heat, mainly because he's a 400 pound fat fuck who's wearing a black wool coat. Dicktard.

And that's it. It only took me 15 minutes of Tony Siragusa's useless sideline jackassery to unplug the center channel from my surround sound receiver. This is a welcome option thanks to these games being broadcast in Dolby Digital: you don't have to hear the announcers at all, if you so choose. This is sort of like the "silent" game back in 1985 1980, Jets vs. Dolphins. If only I could figure out some way for my receiver to also mute "This is Ouuuuuuur Couuuuuuuntry", then I'd be set.

Maybe it wasn't his fault, but Eli just threw one of his patented crap INTs inside the red zone. There might be an incentive clause in his contract for these.

Why do FOX's game graphics need to make so much noise? Whoooosh! Shwoooop! Bzzzz-click! Blip blip blip shhhhwonk! What is the fucking point of that? I may just put the CD player on.

2nd Quarter
The Giants defense is playing well. However, they just let Trent Dilfer escape and scamper for 11 yards and a near first down. Trent Fucking Dilfer! Someone needs to Leonard Marshall his dick into the dirt right away, as payback for that Super Bowl back in 2001.

On 4th and 1, Frank Gorshen--uhm, Gore is stopped right at the first down marker . . . but they're not even going to measure apparently. That was too close for these shitty refs to eyeball, in my opinion, but okay. And of course, the Niners score. 7-6 Niners.

A fumble recovery by UMENYIORA leads to a Brandon Jacobs TD. He's been a bull in the first half, 86 yards. 13-7 Giants.

Sam Madison has done nothing this year, but after that INT he decided to make some dumb victory dance, wherein he gives the baseball "safe" sign for some godforsaken reason. Was that a FOX promo for baseball? Anyway, thanks for that.

FOX uses "London Calling" by the Clash for next week's Miami/Giants in London promo. Spinning tunes tonight, DJ Obvious! I hope they don't let the Aquatic Mammals beat them down in Trafalgar Square or wherever they play, that would be horrible.

Despite not being able to kick an extra point after from 7 feet away, Tyner managed 2 FGs in the half of 29 and 39 yards, respectively. 19-7 Giants.

Holy crap, the Patriots are murdering the Dolphins to the tune of 42-7. Brady's halftime stats: 16/19, 291 yds, 5 TDs. The New England Cheaters certainly have a chip on their collective shoulders this year, and Bill Simmons is sporting a huge boner right now. That can only lead to a messy release when the Sox win Game 7 tonight.

The NFL team record for most points in a game by a single team is 72, by Washington vs. N.Y. Giants on Nov. 27, 1966. I don't know what the record is since the merger, but there's a good chance the Pats break that record today.

Here's the problem with the NFL: there are so many mediocre teams, there are no compelling matchups. We've gotten to the point where only the teams' fans would give a shit. Look at the 1 PM games: ATL @ NO, TB @ DET, ARI @ WAS, BAL @ BUF, TEN @ TEX. Ugh. And that last game on the list currently features the exciting QB matchup of Kerry Collins versus Sage Rosenfeld. I wish I were joking.

I will be not be watching the halftime jackassery, starring Terry and the Fucktards.

NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: THE HIT

Since the San Francisco 49ers are playing the New York Giants today, I felt the need to post my happiest memory of all of their matchups: a picture of THE HIT, Leonard Marshall knocking out Joe Montana in the 1990 NFC Championship game, won thanks to Matt Barr's 5 FGs, 15-13.



This was #3 on this FOX Sports list of the Top 10 Most Devastating Hits, though it will always be #1 in my heart (with Stevens vs. Lindros being #2):

Leading 13-9 with 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter against the Giants, Montana rolled to his right, unaware that Marshall was closing in on his blind side. At the exact wrong moment, Montana stopped rolling right and sidestepped Lawrence Taylor by jumping backward, right into the path of the 6-3, 288-pound Marshall. The impact that flattened Montana was so violent his subsequent fumble ended up 14 yards down the field. The Niners somehow recovered that fumble, but with Montana knocked out of the game by the hit, they would fall to the G-Men, 15-13, after a late Roger Craig fumble gave New York new life.

In what ended up being his last play as a Niner, he suffered a bruised sternum, bruised stomach, cracked ribs, and a broken hand. But it was the look on Joe's face on the sidelines that was priceless, as he obviously didn't know where he was: "Has anybody seen my little brown doggy?"

That might have been the most satisfying championship of all: they made the playoff run with backup Jeff Hostetler, had to get through Ditka's Chicago Bears, the San Francisco 49ers (who were going for a 3rd Super Bowl title) and the Buffalo Bills' offensive juggernaut. I'm 100% certain that I won't ever feel the way I did about the Giants as I did that year.

(God, I hope they replay THE HIT today.)

NOTES ON THE 2007 NFL SEASON: BIG BLEW!

• Before the Week 1 games started, Rob & I could rattle off over a dozen teams off the top of our heads that we couldn't name the starting QB for: Minnesota, Houston, Oakland, Miami, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Denver, Cleveland, Detroit, Atlanta, Washington, Tampa Bay, San Francisco, Kansas City. That's 14 teams out of 32 that don't even have a recognizable player leading their offense! Sad, but true. I'm not saying that every QB in the 1990s was a world beater, but at least they were household names, either in the pros or college or both.

• Because of the ridiculous size and speed of NFL players, I commented that someone is going to suffer a horrible crippling injury this year, or perhaps even die on the field during a game. Sure enough, Buffalo tight end Kevin Everett suffered a severe spinal injury during their Week 1 vs. Denver. When you have 280 pound HGH-fueled behemoths who can run 4.6 second 40-yard dashes collide at full speed, things like this are bound to happen.

• CBS does the best job of all the networks, especially with the NFL. They have the best announcers (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms, Gus Johnson, Chris Gumbel, etc), the nicest looking HD broadcast, and the least caustic pregame show (for those who feel the need to watch them). ESPN treats Monday Night Football like it's the Video Music Awards; NBC has determined you need 17 analysts to properly deliver the game to you (Keith Olbermann? Really?); FOX's pregame circus is irritating, as is their endless in-game promos and distracting (and unnecessarily noisy) game graphics.

(Add to this that CBS hosts The Masters and the NCAA tournament, and there's no contest.)

• No one gives a fuck what Tiki Barber has to say. No one. Wait, let me count again. Nope, still zero.

• Putting a captain's C on various NFL players is pretty stupid. There's also no rhyme or reason to it: it might be an offensive player, 2 defensive players, or both, or neither. Note to NFL: the captaincy thing only works in NHL hockey.

• For my money (e.g., for free), Kissing Suzy Kolber is the funniest goddam NFL site out there, bar none. In fact, I can't read regular non-humorous sports websites anymore.

• Last and least: The Giants. As they proved last night what we already knew: their secondary is among the worst in the league, they can't rush the QB, and their running game is a huge question mark (and Jacobs is now hurt), putting the load mostly on Eli Womanning's fragile, supple shoulders. The Giants will finish 7-9 and miss the playoffs, and Coach Screaming Coughlin will finally have his ass canned. Yep, I foresee another crap season for BIG BLEW!

2007 NFL BLOGNOSTICATIONS!

• Biggest surprises: New Orleans will not make the playoffs, while Cincinnati finally will . . . if they post bail. ZING! (I am officially the 1 millionth blog to make that joke. Thanks.)

• NFC playoff teams: Dallas, Chicago, Carolina, Seattle, Philly, Green Bay
• AFC playoff teams: Indy, Pittsburgh, NE, Cincy, SD, Denver
• Super Bowl: San Diego over Seattle

UPDATE: Eli injured his shoulder, and may be out next week--I told you he had fragile shoulders. Bring on the Pillsbury Throwboy! Also hurting: Jets QB Chad Paperthin!

THINGS I LIKE: CHEERLEADERS

Why do some NFL teams insist on getting stupid, hideous mascots when they should be focusing on getting smoking hot cheerleaders? The Jets and Giants are 2 of only 7 remaining NFL teams currently without them, and it's a travesty.

To try to illustrate the error of their ways, I'm stealing a bit from the incredibly funny KSK blog and posting a cheerleader on a Friday.

She's a Manchester, New Hampshire native and UNH grad (GO WILDCATS!), she's Meghan White, from the New England Patriots squad!

Favorite restaurant: Morton's Steakhouse
Favorite color: Green
Favorite animated character: Tinkerbell
Favorite song: Anything but country

She also volunteered for American Lung Association's "No Butt's About It" program. When they're in town playing the Jets, I'm thinking of inviting her over and making her a filet mignon with béarnaise sauce, while listening to anything but country. Beat that.

Honorable mention goes to this member of the Buffalo Jills, who is trying to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots:



I'd Launcher and I don't even know her! God bless her li'l heart. Can we get that on SwingVision?

So Jets, are you going to let the Pats and the Bills kick your ass on AND off the field? Giants, are you going to allow your prettiest employee to be Eli Manning? (You know, now that Tiki's gone.) Think about it.

Your move, idiots.

BIG GAME WRAPUP: WE WON'T GET JINXED AGAIN!

Overall, Big Game #41 was . . . pretty damn dull.

The first half was incredibly sloppy (5 lost fumbles and an interception, a missed Viniateri FG and a botched PAT), and although Chicago hung around they were outplayed and never felt like an offensive threat. It wasn't the worst game (Dallas beating Buffalo 52-17, and the Bucs blowing out the Raiders come to mind), but it certainly wasn't great.

Anyway, congrats, Indy! At least there's something to do in Chicago, so I don't feel so bad for them. And now we can stop talking about him now that the big game jinx has been lifted from Peyton 'Laser Rocket Arm' Manning. The monkey is off his back, but whose is it on now and who will get to spank it next? Personally, I feel just like I did when Elway finally won his first: complete apathy. Just a few notes:

I think I had more fun watching Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet. Puppies playing for three straight hours? A ref throwing a flag for urinating on the field? An all-kitten halftime show? The BOWL CAM? It's hard to beat. I voted for Bomber for MVP (Most Valuable Puppy), and it looks like he finished 1st, getting 34% of the over 1.5 million votes counted (I shit you not).

Billy Joel finished the National Anthem in 1:37. According to the increasingly ridiculous "prop bets", the over/under was 1:44. I'm guessing Billy bet the under.

I missed the opening kickoff return for TD, walking into Bruxelles mere seconds after it happened. I have an uncanny knack for missing those things. Not only was that the first time the opening kickoff was returned, but the 1st quarter featured the most turnovers (4, with 3 fumbles). Jim Nantz later said that Muhsim Muhammad was the first player to catch TD passes for two different SB teams, which we thought was bullshit. We were right: Jerry Rice did it for San Francisco (Super Bowl XXIII, XXIV and XXIX) and Oakland (XXXVII). So there.

I'll save you time: ALL THE COMMERCIALS SUCKED. Okay, there was one funny Bud Light commercial (featuring a couple picking up a guy with an axe just because he had beer), the rest were pretty horrible. Seriously, who thinks Carlos Mencia is funny? Hopefully, this is the end of an era and we can stop focusing on the commercials. (Hey, a guy can dream.)

The halftime show might have been the least disappointing part of the night. Despite the fact that most people thought he was dead, Prince sounded good and was better than expected. He even worked in covers of "All Along the Watchtower" and "Best of You" by Foo Fighters (apparently, he likes their cover of "Darling Nikki").

Speaking of halftime shows, this complete list of SB performers is great. I don't remember "Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye", whatever the hell that is; I must have blocked out that nightmare. But through the magic of YouTube, you can re-live the ever-so-frightening "Diet Coke Be-Bop Bamboozled in 3-D" from SB XXIII announced by a 12 year old Bob Costas.

Team President Bill Polian thanked God for helping the Colts win, but oddly did not blame Him for those tornadoes that killed 20 people in central Florida earlier in the week. Funny, that.

It was nice of CBS to give David Spade tickets to the game in Miami, mere weeks before his latest crap show is canceled. But to achieve total network synergy, we were hoping they'd get David Caruso from CSI: Miami to do color commentary:

"Jim, what we have here is a fumble . . . but was it a giveaway . . . (puts on sunglasses) . . . or a TAKEaway?"

(cue Roger Daltry scream) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

THE BIG GAME IS HERE!

My quick thoughts on FootballMechaMatch 101001:

Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are both black. I'm not sure you were aware of this. And it's Black History Month, so I think the whole thing is fixed.

The Colts must show up tonight. I can't express that enough. Win this one for your fallen Colt, Barbaro!!!

I guess I have to go with the Bears, since they were my preseason pick, but I really don't care. My enthusiasm for this game is UNMEASURABLE.

How come no one is talking about Ricky Manning, Jr., the illegitimate son of Archie?

I think it would hilarious if they inserted Peyton into every commercial that 4 minute block right before kickoff.

I'm rooting for a blowout by halftime so I can go to bed early.

I'm also rooting for rain, since there's no chance of snow in Miami.

Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet might be the best part of the night. Three hours of puppies playing, narrated by Harry Kalas. You can't look away. Nearly a million votes have been cast for the MVP (Most Valuable Puppy). No shit. I voted for Bomber.

Stevie Nicks, Billy Joel and Prince are performing today. What is it, 1983?

Deadspin is doing the GLOG for CBS Sportsline. Seriously, a GLOG sounds like something you produced that you have trouble flushing down.

Enjoy!

EAT MY PIGSKIN!

Fear my football guessing prowess! In the Deadspin Pants Party Pigskin Pick 'Em (love the alliteration), I finished tied for 36th out of 2512 entries, in the coveted 99.1 percentile. That's right, that's me ("Shut Up Strahan You DICK!"--man, there are some funny names on there) on the first page of the finalists, bitch! I got 161 correct out of a possible 256 (66%), while the group winner(s) got 172 (the overall winner got 178). I may not have been up against 2512 active particiPANTS, since usually a good portion of the them either forgot to make all their (non-spread) picks, played for a few weeks and then forgot about it, or both. But that doesn't make it any less impressive! And surely you, the reader of this blog, could not have done any better, what with all the underdogs winning this year. Oh sorry, I'll stop calling you Shirley.

However, one person we can call Shirley is ESPN Page 2's Bill Simmons. He routinely ridicules women for their inferior sports knowledge (among other things). Well, he decided to include his wife's football picks alongside his own this season, and it turns out that SHE BEAT HIM. In other words, he can also eat my pigskin! He is no match for my mighty blognosticative powers! So remember to think twice before taking gambling advice from some schmuck on some other sports website.

(BTW, I had OSU beating FLA 35-10. Glad I didn't blog that!)

MEH.

Well, that's the end of that chapter.

But at least the Giants played hard against the Eagles last night, and didn't just shit out another playoff game like last year. Tiki played well (what will this team do without him?), Plaxico played great, Eli dug them out of a 1st and 30 hole to score that tying TD, and even an injured Shockey fought admirably. Of course, their defense is god-awful; they made Brian Westbrook (from? Villanova!) look like Gale Sayers. But imagine if they had played hard all year, then we'd have something! (Hmmm, getting the players motivated and on the same page . . . maybe COACHING was the problem? Perhaps A CHANGE SHOULD BE MADE?)

Oh well, I was looking forward to a Sunday afternoon NFL playoff drinkathon (since I have off Monday). I guess I could still do that, but it's not as fun (or cathartic) when I'm not yelling at the screen . . .

(And I didn't choose an "upset special" because I knew there wouldn't be one this weekend. And NY teams went 0-2, as I suspected.)

THE GREATEST BOWL GAME FINISH OF ALL-TIME?

It looks like I missed what might have been THE GREATEST BOWL GAME FINISH OF ALL TIME. Of course, this happens on the only night out of the LAST 12 THAT I COULDN'T STAY UP LATE; I went to sleep at halftime with Boise State leading Oklahoma 21-10, because I HAD TO WORK. But numerous people have told me that in last night's Fiesta Bowl, sometime after midnight Boise State made a miraculous hook-and-lateral play to tie Oklahoma in regulation, and then won it on a Statue of Liberty play 2 point conversion in OT, 43-42. I can understand one trick play winning a game, but TWO? And the second one coming on an all-or-nothing 2 point try in the first OT? The BSU coach might have a bigger set of stones than the Oregon State coach. (And it thrills me to no end to get to say "hook-and-lateral" and "Statue of Liberty" play in the same sentence. And I'm not going to take credit for it, but they obviously read my advice to the Giants coaching staff.)

Of course, I was asleep during all of this. But thank god for GooTube (even though it's only the final 2 minutes and OT, it's more than worth it). Just watch it, because words won't do it justice:



Holy crap. That's unpossible! Throw in any cliche you want, they all apply. That was outstanding.

On top of all this, the player who ran in that winning conversion even PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND afterwards. (What a rollercoaster ride for that guy: one moment he was on top of the world, and then . . . not so much.)

Of course, FOX had the game so I doubt ESPN will play it as an "Instant Classic" anytime soon. Maybe FOX Sports Net will do the right thing and refrain from a "BEST DAMN LIST" for a couple of hours and show the whole shebang, but I doubt it. Barring that, the next time it will be on will be 2014 in a bar somewhere, and we'll be saying, "Why are they showing this again? I can't remember what happened." Either way the BCS can take their bowl championship system and shove it, because Boise State clearly should be allowed to play for a National Championship. (Seriously, my "Final 8" bracket can work. Think about it.)

BLOGNOSTICATIONS: THE YEAR IN REVIEW

2006 was another year. That's all I can say, it wasn't bad or good, it was just THERE. I didn't work this week and didn't do a thing, and even those at work were probably just idling AND waiting for the year to end. So let's just turn the damn calendar over already. Maybe I'll slap together a Top Ten things in 2006 that didn't piss me off year-in-review crap list for the Eye=Opener, eventually. Until then, this is all I've got. Enjoy.

NOTES FROM CAPITALONE BOWL WEEK. Once again, there were some fun games to watch. Here are my notes:

Hawai'i Bowl. Strangely enough this game was played in Hawaii, and featured Hawaii vs. someone. That someone was AZ state, and QB Colt Brennan (great name!) lit him up for a record 558 yards and 5 TDs in a 41-24 win.

Because they couldn't come to an agreement with the stadium vendors, there was no pizza served at the Papa John's Bowl. What a retarded country we live in.

Emerald Nut Bowl. There were 3 Emerald Nut sacks in the game.

Meineke "George Foreman Has Himself And A Family To Feed" Car Care Bowl. You always have to root for the service academies in these bowl games, so it was a heartbreaker to see Navy fumble this game away, allowing BC to kick a game-winning FG as time expired. Ugh.

Sun Bowl. The Oregon State coach displayed the biggest set of balls by going for 2 with time running out to win 39-38. I think their D was out of gas anyway, so it was a good choice.

Insight Bowl. Featuring the biggest bowl game comeback ever, the Texas Tech Red Raiders, down 4 TDs at the half and 38-7 with 7:47 in the 3rd, came storming back to win 44-41 in OT. That was fun to watch.

Texas Bowl. And of course, the mighty Scarlet Knights of Rutgers dominated K-State to win their first bowl game 37-10. Way to go, RU!

THE YEAR IN BLOGNOSTICATIONS. I went 6/8 in the NHL playoffs, didn't guess a single golf major correctly, got nearly every MLB postseason guess wrong, and nailed Pat Quinn's firing within 24 hours. A mixed bag to say the least.

As for the National Fucktard Football League, I said McNabb would get hurt in Week 10 (right on!), Sweet Shaun Alexander would get hit with the Madden Curse (he did). Of course, I also thought the Jets would win 3 (they won 10!), and that Detroit would be improved (they lost 13, vs. "only" 11 last year). I also (not) famously said the Giants would go 8-8 and miss the playoffs . . . which contradicted this earlier post, where I said they'd go 9-7 and make the playoffs. Huh? Whatever, they still suck. And Tiki singlehandedly carried them in Week 17, and they made it in despite the "efforts" of Eli and the coaching staff. (Why can't Tiki stay and the REST of the team retire?) Overall, I had no idea how much the NFC was going to blow. Regardless, I got 8/12 playoff teams correct, so there.

FINAL NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Pittsburgh (+6) will beat Cincinnati. I had faith in Ocho Cinco, but the Bungles stinko, and so does my lousy Bears/Bengals Big Game #41 prediction. (I think San Diego is scary good, which means they won't win.)

That's it. I'm tired from doing nothing.

HAPPY 2007 EVERYONE!