NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: SCHADENBRADY

I thought it was about time I chimed in on the whole Tom Brady issue. In Week 1 this season, NFL's Golden Boy QB had the ACL and MCL in his left knee torn asunder, knocking him out for the rest of the season. Just allow me to say one thing: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

After his team was caught cheating last year he became Bill "Bully" Belichick's bitch, gleefully running up the score on every team (except the stellar Giants D in the Super Bowl, of course), which makes this injury sweet karmic retribution for everyone involved. If the Super Bowl XLII loss was the icing on the cake, this is the cherry soaked in bourbon and dipped in fine dark chocolate.

The best thing about it is the whining of New England fans. Their tears taste like drops of the finest Belgian abbey ale, and their cries of "the NFL won't be the same!" (god, I hope this is a joke, but I fear it's not) are like a sweet Mozart violin concerto to my ears.

Boston.com blog - Tom Brady Injured
Boston.com blog - Brady Out For Season
Brady out: This one really hurts

Curt Schilling, speaking on behalf of all Masshole douchebags, claims that NY fans are happy about Brady's injury because they're mad that the Yankees stink this season and are jealous of the Boston teams' success. Nope, that's not it, jackass! While I respect Brady's talent, I hate everything that he represents. In my opinion, the NFL can only improve with his absence, as their joyless (and unsuccessful) crusade towards an undefeated season last year sucked the fun out of the game. Now we can see what the other teams in the AFC East are made of, and if that mumbling prick Belichick can coach a team to victory without his smug, supermodel-shagging poster boy. (Bill's career regular season coaching record with Brady is 86-29, and without Brady: 42-58. Staggering.) Also, we'll see if they're a real "team", whose leader is now RANDY freaking MOSS, who conveniently claims to have hurt his back on the SAME PLAY as Brady's knee injury. Yeah, sure.

I wouldn't really feel this way if Pats fans weren't the most insufferable, arrogant fans on the planet--but they are, and I do. And you KNOW they would have raised their doucheiness to all-new levels had this happened to Favre or either Manning. No, it's not schadenfreude, it's just that warm gleeful feeling I get when I realize that there might be some higher justice in the world. Hey, at least it gives Pats fans a built-in excuse if they don't do well this year.

Whatever. Now Tommy B. gets to rehab his knee just like Tiger did: while banging smoking hot chicks on a bed made of money. Let's stop crying and play some football.

Of course, The Onion knocked this one out of the park as well: Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury:

Unfortunately for the NFL, Brady's loss seems to have affected more than just the Patriots and women. Many Boston-area fans of both genders, claiming that the team isn't worth watching without Brady, have concentrated their attention on the waning and somewhat disheveled Red Sox season or the attractive upcoming Celtics' NBA title defense. The sports media has likewise gone into shock, with columnist Bill Simmons saying he will no longer watch football this season, Sports Illustrated canceling large Brady-themed sections of this years' upcoming swimsuit issue, and NBC Football Night In America analyst Cris Collinsworth bursting into tears and collapsing into Peter King's arms upon receiving the news.

"No one else in football has Brady's unique talents—the physical gifts of build, height, arms, cheekbones, piercingly sultry field vision, the combination of arm strength and accuracy with a sense of tenderness, the combination of smirk and pout—along with the intangibles and the ability to look good in everything," said Tom Chiarella, who scouted and evaluated Brady for the September issue of Esquire. "It's impossible to estimate the impact of his loss, but it will almost certainly mean the loss of most female fans, many Boston-area fans, fair-weather fans, and the majority of mainstream media fans. The NFL is really looking at a worst-case scenario here, one that it never wanted to happen: A football season that's only watched by actual football fans."

G-MEN BEAT COWGIRLS

Hard to believe.

Giants Advance to the N.F.C. Championship

Yes, the NFL still blows and that was a painful game to endure, with horrible officiating and approximately 65 penalties. But Elisha and the Giants held on to beat the Cowgirls, 21-17, and holy crap was that satisfying to watch. They will now meet the Packers at the Frozen Tundra next Sunday. The forecast? "Mostly sunny and cold, with a high near 7." That's Fahrenheit, and that's fucking cold. Anyway, I'm rooting for snow, since it was fun watching that Pack/Seahawks game in whiteout conditions.

Meanwhile, Peyton will be going home, as the Chargers beat the Colts for the rights to be bitchslapped by the Patriots in the AFC title game. Basically, all the Giants needed was for me to pick against them; I went an incredible 1-3 on my weekend blognostications, and that means I'm done for the season. I'm just going to (try to) enjoy the game next week. (I still think they're going to lose.)

GO GIANTS!

UPDATE (11:01 PM): I just saw a clip of TO crying during the postgame press conference, right after a shot of a somehow even paler Jerry Jones looking like he was ready to collapse directly into a coffin. God, I could not be happier right now.

WHY THE NFL BLOWS, AND WHY YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING MORE GOLF

Everyone says this is "the most exciting weekend in the NFL season". However, I beg to differ, and say that maybe 1 of the 4 games this weekend will even be remotely watchable. In other words, lower your expectations.

Here are my blognostications in a nutshell:

* The Packers stink, and somehow will lose to the Seahawks. Yeah, I know, I've been saying that Green Bay is good all year, but they really aren't.

* The Giants will lose in Big D in some bizarre fashion, and we will have to see 45 pictures of Romo and Jessica Simpson in the process. But not to worry: Fucking Coach Coughlin will get a 3 year extension.

* The Colts will beat the Chargers in the most boring game ever, featuring an NFL record number of false start penalties.

* The Pats will romp the Jags, giving birth to even more arrogant Massholes.

There you have it. The NFL. Meh.

But this is the crux of my posting: I saw a "Quest For Lombardi" commercial the other day, referencing the trophy named after the legendary coach that's awarded to the Super Big Game winner. However, they had the nerve to put Terrell Owens in this commercial. He is the polar opposite of everything Lombardi believed in. He could care less about teamwork, respect, dedication to the sport, and winning. TO is all about TO, and he couldn't give two shits about his teammates, his coaches, the fans, the media, or anyone that isn't named "Terrell Owens".

The whole "I might not play because I'm so badly injured" drama preceding the Giants game basically serves two purposes: 1) to give him an excuse if he has a shitty game, and 2) to get the media to lavish attention on him. It's pathetic what this league, and the sports media, has become. To put it bluntly, the league is shitting all over its own tradition by saying "TO" and "Lombardi" in the same breath. The NFL should be ashamed of itself, and its billions of dollars.

This may not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me or reads this blog, but golf is really the only pure sport that's left. Last night I came to the realization that it is the only sport that is universally appreciated. The NFL is only big in the States, soccer is big everywhere but the US, hockey is only really popular in North America, baseball is not followed at all in Europe, F1 racing isn't as big as NASCAR in the States--you get the picture. In addition, there are no contracts, no incentive clauses, trades, free agency, or superagents. When you leave the golf course at the end of a tournament, you are paid exactly what you deserve according to how you performed on the golf course. Period.

So as always, I'm just going to be watching more golf. Less than 90 days until the Masters!

WAYS TO MAKE SUNDAY'S JETS/PATRIOTS GAME MORE COMPETITIVE

In the epic battle between the 3-10 Jets vs. the 13-0 Patriots, a game for the ages in which the Patriots were initially favored by 27 points--ahhh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a complete shitshow. I'll tune in, but I'm really just praying for a snowstorm, a season-ending injury and a possible fist fight between coaches.

How could the NFL make this game more competitive? We asked the experts (ourselves) and here's some of their proposals:

• When Patriots have the ball, they have a “shot clock”: they have to score or turn the ball over in 24 seconds. (Rob)
• Patriots have to play with sausage in their pockets while wild dogs run free on the field. (Rob)
• 3 times per half, Jets are allowed to call time and stop the action at any point during the play. (Rob)
• When the Jets are on offense, a Wilson Pee Wee size football is used. When Patriots are on offense, a cannonball is used. (Rob)
• Tom Brady will be "steady QB" (he has to play for both sides). (Karl)
• Patriots offense must wear blindfolds. (Jeff K)
• Jets offense: first down = 5 pts. (Jeff K)
• Patriots defense must shout out 7 "Mississippis" before rushing the QB. (Jeff K)
• Jets defense can use two-hand touch. (Jeff K)
• Jets and Pats cheerleaders both allowed on the field of play. (Karl)
• Randy Moss must get shock collar, [Jets' coach] Mangini gets to hold the remote trigger. (Karl)
• For a touch of realism, the Patriots can only wear clothing made before 1776, including those stupid tri-corner hats instead of helmets, while the Jets are allowed to advance the ball by using actual jets. (Jeff K)
• Jets get extra points for "clown catches". For example, diving catch = 3 points. A diving catch in end zone = 7 x 3 = 21 points. (Kris)
• Game must be played mano a mano in Madden 08. (Karl)
  

• Jets must use one of those super-distance Nerf balls, along with Velcro stick-em gloves. (Jeff K)
• Pats must use the skin of a freshly killed pig. (Jeff K)
• Jets: extra points if Suzy Kolber kisses Joe Namath. ("I could care less about the team struggggling.") Pats: negative points if Amanda Kremer kisses Tom Brady. (Jeff K)

NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: THE HIT

Since the San Francisco 49ers are playing the New York Giants today, I felt the need to post my happiest memory of all of their matchups: a picture of THE HIT, Leonard Marshall knocking out Joe Montana in the 1990 NFC Championship game, won thanks to Matt Barr's 5 FGs, 15-13.



This was #3 on this FOX Sports list of the Top 10 Most Devastating Hits, though it will always be #1 in my heart (with Stevens vs. Lindros being #2):

Leading 13-9 with 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter against the Giants, Montana rolled to his right, unaware that Marshall was closing in on his blind side. At the exact wrong moment, Montana stopped rolling right and sidestepped Lawrence Taylor by jumping backward, right into the path of the 6-3, 288-pound Marshall. The impact that flattened Montana was so violent his subsequent fumble ended up 14 yards down the field. The Niners somehow recovered that fumble, but with Montana knocked out of the game by the hit, they would fall to the G-Men, 15-13, after a late Roger Craig fumble gave New York new life.

In what ended up being his last play as a Niner, he suffered a bruised sternum, bruised stomach, cracked ribs, and a broken hand. But it was the look on Joe's face on the sidelines that was priceless, as he obviously didn't know where he was: "Has anybody seen my little brown doggy?"

That might have been the most satisfying championship of all: they made the playoff run with backup Jeff Hostetler, had to get through Ditka's Chicago Bears, the San Francisco 49ers (who were going for a 3rd Super Bowl title) and the Buffalo Bills' offensive juggernaut. I'm 100% certain that I won't ever feel the way I did about the Giants as I did that year.

(God, I hope they replay THE HIT today.)