NFL SUNDAY JACKASSERY: SCHADENBRADY

I thought it was about time I chimed in on the whole Tom Brady issue. In Week 1 this season, NFL's Golden Boy QB had the ACL and MCL in his left knee torn asunder, knocking him out for the rest of the season. Just allow me to say one thing: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

After his team was caught cheating last year he became Bill "Bully" Belichick's bitch, gleefully running up the score on every team (except the stellar Giants D in the Super Bowl, of course), which makes this injury sweet karmic retribution for everyone involved. If the Super Bowl XLII loss was the icing on the cake, this is the cherry soaked in bourbon and dipped in fine dark chocolate.

The best thing about it is the whining of New England fans. Their tears taste like drops of the finest Belgian abbey ale, and their cries of "the NFL won't be the same!" (god, I hope this is a joke, but I fear it's not) are like a sweet Mozart violin concerto to my ears.

Boston.com blog - Tom Brady Injured
Boston.com blog - Brady Out For Season
Brady out: This one really hurts

Curt Schilling, speaking on behalf of all Masshole douchebags, claims that NY fans are happy about Brady's injury because they're mad that the Yankees stink this season and are jealous of the Boston teams' success. Nope, that's not it, jackass! While I respect Brady's talent, I hate everything that he represents. In my opinion, the NFL can only improve with his absence, as their joyless (and unsuccessful) crusade towards an undefeated season last year sucked the fun out of the game. Now we can see what the other teams in the AFC East are made of, and if that mumbling prick Belichick can coach a team to victory without his smug, supermodel-shagging poster boy. (Bill's career regular season coaching record with Brady is 86-29, and without Brady: 42-58. Staggering.) Also, we'll see if they're a real "team", whose leader is now RANDY freaking MOSS, who conveniently claims to have hurt his back on the SAME PLAY as Brady's knee injury. Yeah, sure.

I wouldn't really feel this way if Pats fans weren't the most insufferable, arrogant fans on the planet--but they are, and I do. And you KNOW they would have raised their doucheiness to all-new levels had this happened to Favre or either Manning. No, it's not schadenfreude, it's just that warm gleeful feeling I get when I realize that there might be some higher justice in the world. Hey, at least it gives Pats fans a built-in excuse if they don't do well this year.

Whatever. Now Tommy B. gets to rehab his knee just like Tiger did: while banging smoking hot chicks on a bed made of money. Let's stop crying and play some football.

Of course, The Onion knocked this one out of the park as well: Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury:

Unfortunately for the NFL, Brady's loss seems to have affected more than just the Patriots and women. Many Boston-area fans of both genders, claiming that the team isn't worth watching without Brady, have concentrated their attention on the waning and somewhat disheveled Red Sox season or the attractive upcoming Celtics' NBA title defense. The sports media has likewise gone into shock, with columnist Bill Simmons saying he will no longer watch football this season, Sports Illustrated canceling large Brady-themed sections of this years' upcoming swimsuit issue, and NBC Football Night In America analyst Cris Collinsworth bursting into tears and collapsing into Peter King's arms upon receiving the news.

"No one else in football has Brady's unique talents—the physical gifts of build, height, arms, cheekbones, piercingly sultry field vision, the combination of arm strength and accuracy with a sense of tenderness, the combination of smirk and pout—along with the intangibles and the ability to look good in everything," said Tom Chiarella, who scouted and evaluated Brady for the September issue of Esquire. "It's impossible to estimate the impact of his loss, but it will almost certainly mean the loss of most female fans, many Boston-area fans, fair-weather fans, and the majority of mainstream media fans. The NFL is really looking at a worst-case scenario here, one that it never wanted to happen: A football season that's only watched by actual football fans."