Thursday, September 18, 2008


There are many things to be thankful for, and at the top of my list is not being a socialist European sissy. Although Scotland "claims" to have invented the sport (ask the Chinese what they think of that), it just so happens that the USA has 8 of the 10 best golf courses on the planet. This year, the Ryder Cup will be defended by the Euros on our turf, which gives the US the edge as the gallery has promised to ramp up the obnoxiousness (though it won't be as bad as the Brookline Masshole Massacre of 1999, which the Euros are still crying about). There's been little to no talk about this match (Europe winning 5 of last 6 + the asinine decision to hold the event during football season - Tiger Woods = low mainstream interest) but I think it's going to be one for the ages. At least that's the phrase the NBC announcers hope to say 54 times during the weekend (unless Jim Nantz has it patented).

Here's the skinny on the 37th Ryder Cup Tournament.

Name: Valhalla Golf Club
Location: Louisville, Kentucky, USA
Yardage/Par: 71/7,496 yards
Course record: 63, Jose Maria Bobloblaw, 2000 PGA Championship
Signature hole: The 13th, a 350-yard, par four, requiring a tee shot to a small landing area, then an approach shot over water to an island green.
Origin: Louisville businessman Dwight Gahm was the driving force behind the creation of the club, commissioning Jack Nicklaus to build the layout on 486 acres of rolling terrain in Kentucky horse country.


Worst case scenario: FIGJAM! sprains one of his manboobs (mannaries?) while attempting a signature flopshot that could potentially win the match, and sends the ball deep into the gallery to eventually score a triple bogey. Sergio "Los Pantelones Feos" Garcia, who only plays well when there is nothing at stake, will play exceedingly well (since--let's be honest--nothing is at stake, because there's no money awarded). Ian "Silly Pants" Poulter is the breakout star in a lovely pink argyle dress that he himself designed. Europe wins again, and the team collectively pools all their Euros together to buy the entire state of Kentucky.

Best case scenario: The U.S. team, inspired by their underdog status and fueled by the press stating that they "can't win without Tiger" (who, let's face it, has a weak 10-13-1 Ryder Cup record), wins a closely fought tournament on the final day. FIGJAM! assumes the leader role and steps up under pressure, beating all comers. The entire team is able to play loose without Tiger's brooding presence, and both Anthony Kim and Hunter Mahan play out of their minds. Padraig Harrington, clearly drunk and disorderly, goes on a rampage after missing a 5 foot putt to halve the final hole of his singles match, braining several Kentuckians with his putter who had the audacity to wear NASCAR hats to a golf match.

Dream scenario: Just as the Friday round is about to start, J.B. Holmes steps up to the 1st tee and inexplicably pulls a hamstring, rendering him unable to play his round. Everyone looks around not knowing what to do . . . when out of the tunnel (specially built for dramatic purposes) limps Eldredge "Tiger" Woods, ala Willis Reed of the 1970 New York Knicks. He grabs his driver and says, "I'll take it from here", steps up and uncorks a ridiculous drive which cuts the corner on the dogleg left 448 yard for a hole in one. The U.S. team never looks back, winning in a Euro-asskicking romp 22 - 6. Afterwards Tiger exclaims to the adoring crowd mobbed around the clubhouse, "Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!" Much bourbon is consumed, except for Tiger who chugs Tiger-flavored Gatorade (made from his own sweat).


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