I'VE GOT YOUR PASSION RIGHT HERE!

"Out in the big top world, we all need the clowns to make us smile."
- Journey "Faithfully"

The 2006 Torino Olympics are over, and not a moment too soon--I'm all Olympicked out. Of course, the US media chose to focus on this country's negatives: Back-to-the-Bar-for-Bode's 0-for-5, our men's speedskaters bitching at each other, figure skaters falling all over the place, the hockey team failing to medal, our snowboarders not smoking as much as we'd hoped, biathlete Dick Cheney shooting another competitor in the face during the 4x5km race, hotdogging female snowboarders hotdogging in the one event where they shouldn't have been hotdogging.

However, as a self-proclaimed B-list blogger (I'm in training to become "A-list" whatever the fuck that means), I'm going to focus on the positives: the UNITED STATES WON THE MOST MEDALS! That's right! Yeah, I know what you're going to say, but the "official" medal tally is completely wrong. We all know that the only reason that East Germany and West Germany knocked down that wall and reunified was to crush everyone else in the Olympics, so I refuse to acknowledge this newfangled "Germany" of which people are speaking. If yo'reu buying what they're selling, all I can say is at least we beat Canada. You know, they're that country to the north of us that's perpetually frozen and snow covered; since they all cross country ski to work, they should be embarrassed that they didn't take home the most hardware.

The worst part of all of this whole Torino nonsense had to be the Closing Ceremonies, which I couldn't even bring myself to watch. Well, thank the Pope I skipped it, because I heard that there were scary clowns all over the goddamn thing. Garishly dressed clowns! Jolly candy-like clowns! Galvanting and pillaging in the streets of Torino! And some of the athletes even were forced, against their will, to wear red clown noses! Oh, the horror. This quote is all you need to know:

Throughout, bits of burlesque unfolded in the stadium’s entryways and aisles as a vagabond flower seller — a traditional carnival figure — was chased by an ever-growing squad of Swiss guards . . .

. . . who eventually shot him to death, to the delight of the spectators! Speaking of clowns, this guy apparently really enjoyed curling, as he stripped off his clothes and ran around during the Great Britain vs. USA match:

Thank god he didn't get one of those giant washer-shaped medals, lord only knows where he would have put it. A similar joker was also paid by the same website to run onto the stage and scream like a moron during the closing ceremonies. I don't know what he said, he might have been drinking with Bode earlier in the day. This is the level of security that $107 million (and counting) gets you?

Italy has finally handed this financial/logistical/security nightmare over to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, the host for the Winter Games in 2010, and I'm praying they choose Bob and Doug McKenzie as the official mascots. Hey, BC is relatively nearby (at least it's on the same continent), so someone please remind me to look into that. I didn't realize that Planet Hoth is bidding for the 2014 Games. Good stuff.

I just have a few closing comments about Olympic hockey. This came at a bad time for the NHL, as this two week competition interrupted a great comeback season. Not only that, but some players had to play 8 games in 13 days; that's too much hockey, and you risk getting some of them hurt for the rest of the NHL season (see Ohland, Jagr, Salo). Add to that fact that the Gold Medal winning Swedes may have been "partying a little too hard", and some of them might not make it back to their respective NHL teams in time for tonight's games. Honestly, who really cares if Detroit will be missing their 5 Swedes, or if Mats Sundin and his scary 11 goals doesn't return to the Maple Leaves (look it up, Canada, that's the right spelling)? Certainly not me, as long as Brodeur is well rested. In fact, you guys can keep Pat Quinn too, while you're at it. Shots of Absolut all around! Ikea Jerkers for everyone!

Personally, I think we should give this sport back to the youngsters. As it is now, the pros in the Olympics produced few great games or memorable moments, and the best roster of hockey talent on paper (Canada) was abominable. I think it would be much more exciting and enthralling if each country sent its best junior and college players. Of course, once the puck drops again for the remainder of the NHL season tonight, I'll probably forget all about this stuff for approximately 4 years.