THINGS I DON'T GET

* Why people don't like snow. Personally, I think it's beautiful when everything gets buried in white, as the BLIZZARD OF '06 has illustrated. You can go sledding on it, you can ski on it, you can eat it (not the yellow snow), you can ball it up throw it in the face of your enemy. What's wrong with snow? We only have a few snowstorms a year here in the NYC area, and I don't think it's winter without them. Furthermore, it makes you appreciate nature and realize that as human beings we're pretty insignificant (without a huge amount of damage and tragic deaths, see: Hurricane Katrina). If you don't like it, move to Puerto Rico or somewhere, and stop whining in my ear.

* SUDOKU! Okay, it's a bunch of numbers you write in a box. What's the big deal? Why is this the hot new craze? It's like crossword for dummies. Those "Where's Waldo?" books were more compelling. I still don't know where the hell he is.

* UniversalHD's Olympic coverage. Of all the possible live Olympic events they could be showing in the morning, UniversalHD has only shown women's hockey. Good God, I can't take any more. And I don't think the Canadians were running up the score by winning 16-0 against Italy, it's just that Italy is THAT HORRENDOUS. They looked like kids compared to the immense back-bacon Molson-swilling maple-syrup-loving Canadian chicks. In fact, one of their defensewomen (?) was only 15 years old, for cripes sake! Wow. I can't wait until the men arrive (some of them got delayed by the blizzard).

* Oprah's Book Club. Why should we care what she reads? Seriously, it's yet another reason for housewives to shut off their brain and not have to make their own decisions. "I don't need a friend to suggest a book, and I don't have to browse the bestsellers for something that piques my interest, because Oprah's already told me what to read!" Ugh. First of all, I guarantee you she doesn't have time to read all of them, he probably has flunkies who do that and give her Cliff's Notes about them.

Thankfully, I'm here to save the day. I'm starting "Jeffro's Book Club", the guys' guide to reading. Don't worry about anything, I'm going to tell you what to read. Don't listen to O and buy Elie Weisel's "Night", I read it over 10 years ago (making me way ahead of the curve), it's nice but don't bother. Instead, here's my first recommendation: Post Office by Charles Bukowski, a hilariously funny first person account of the adventures of a letter carrier. After reading it, you can understand why people go "postal", and there are enough 4 letter words in here to make Oprah shit. Okay, I told you what to read, but you're mindless sheep already, so why not?

* Figure skating. I have to be honest with you: I really don't like watching it, and I'm only rooting for them to fall when it's on. There, I said it.