ONE TIME, AT SKATING CAMP . . .

Even though deadspin.com credits The Best Sports Blog for coming up with this (2/21, 2:43 PM), I know Vertullo made the connection between Emily Hughes and Alyson Hannigan first. However, he had to wait until the next morning, when he was sure I was back from Florida, to relay it to us:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:49:43 -0500
From: Vertullo, Robert G

have you seen emily hughes at all? She’s the olympic skater that took michelle kwans spot. Anyway she should open all her press conferences with “one time, at band camp . . .”

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PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH POOR JUDGMENT

I understand the need for handicapped parking spaces, even though some of the drivers that possess them walk faster than me, but what the hell is "PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH TODDLERS"? Whose fault is it that you decided to procreate and then drag your non-ambulatory offspring with you to the grocery store? It's certainly not my fault, no matter what your paternity test says. Where do we draw the line with these "special needs" parking spaces? "PARKING FOR MANIC DEPRESSIVES"? "PARKING FOR THE LAZY"? "PARKING FOR CUSTOMERS WITH INCONTINENCE PROBLEMS"? While we're at it, how about "PARKING FOR HOCKEY PLAYER WITH GROIN STRAIN", "PARKING FOR SINGLE PERSON WHO JUST NEEDS TO RUN IN FOR SOME MILK", or "PARKING FOR PEOPLE ON A BEER RUN"?

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GEOMETRICALLY SPEAKING

Like every great joke, this newspaper article saves the punch line for the end.

BREWSTER - A state judge has issued a temporary restraining order that prevents a nude juice bar in the village from operating at least until a hearing is conducted later this month. The order, issued yesterday, is a small victory for the village, which has been trying to close Club Verona since it opened in 2004. The club, Brewster officials allege, had racked up several code violations, including changing the site's use without Planning Board review and not applying for a certificate of occupancy. [...]

Club Verona attorney Jonathan Lovett said the ongoing village action further fuels a federal lawsuit that club owner Ray Knox Jr. filed in December. It charges the village with malicious prosecution and seeks $350,000 in damages. "This is the stupidest thing the village could have done," Lovett said this morning. "It increased geometrically my client's damages."

Geometrically? What does that mean? "These charges against my client are completely trapezoidal, and his financial hardships will consequently become Pythagorean. The village's decision is completely obtuse, and my client feels that they are not taking the right angle with regards to this issue. I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but he'll be lucky if he can manage three square meals a day after this. Hopefully, we can intersect with village officials in the near future, unlike two parallel lines which never meet, and come to a equilateral decision."