Monday, March 5, 2007


Not only does science fiction entertain us, it informs us.

It all started with 1902's Le Voyage dans la lune (Trip To The Moon), a 14 minute black & white silent film that sagely predicted our setting foot on the Earth's lone rocky satellite. Not only was this 67 years ahead of time, it was stunningly accurate; from the beautiful women on the launch pad to the Moon inhabitants who would explode by the mere touch of an umbrella. Since then, author George Orwell predicted Big Brother (a crappy reality show now exists by that name) in his futuristic Nineteen Eighty-Four, featuring a bleak, totalitarian government highlighted by "Thought-Crimes", sexual repression, and blind nationalism--which is known today as "The Reagan Years".

So what does the future hold? Why, we only need look at the future timeline according to sci-fi! (I included the first three to show you just how scary accurate sci-fi can be.)

1999 - Due to his winning an Academy Award for his portrayal as Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood, 5 years later Martin Landau is trusted to run Moonbase Alpha. When the Moon is knocked out of orbit by a nuclear explosion, his movie career subsequently suffers.

2000 - Smellevision replaces television.

2001 - During the first manned space flight to Jupiter, glitches in the advanced HAL 9000 software causes massive system failure. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, responsible for glitches in Windows 2000 software, denies involvement during the odyssey.

2010 - In "The Year We Make Contact", somehow the Russians, who can't produce a working toaster, have developed the fastest spaceship known to man. HAL 9000 returns in an upgraded form ($199 with proof of ownership of any of the previous HAL versions) as HAL 9000 Service Pack 2.

2015 - Before heeding Huey Lewis' advice and going "Back In Time", Marty McFly discovers that the hoverboard is all the rage in Hill Valley, a Pepsi costs $50, and the Chicago Cubs finally win the World Series.

2019 - A bleak, dreary Los Angeles becomes overrun with rogue replicants, genetically manufactured humanoids initially created for slave labor in the "off-world" colonies, who rebel to survive in the brutal dystopian world of show business.

2032 - After a massive earthquake hits California in 2010, the utopic megalopolis of San Angeles is created from the ruins of San Diego, Los Angeles and Santa Barbara. In this soul-crushingly cheery society, Sly Stallone and Wesley Snipes are mistaken for action movie stars, and Denis Leary is forced to take his ranting comedy stylings underground.

2084 - Former California Governor Schwarzenegger discovers mutants on a Mars colony including Sharon Stone who, despite being 126 years old, still looks like she's in her 30s. Oh, the horror.

2200 - Quantum mechanics are among those that visit the Forbidden Planet, where Leslie Nielsen finds an even more forbidden 19 year old hot chick.

2540 - It is a Brave New World, in which poverty and warfare are eliminated, and everyone lives in a happy, hedonistic society filled with rampant sex and drug use. Too bad I won't be around for this one, because it sounds fantastic. The first guy that calls this "dystopian" is getting punched in the face.

3000 - In the not-too-distant future, conflicts between the upper management of the Gizmonic Institute and employee Joel Robinson result in his being relocated to a satellite in geosynchronous orbit. During his tenure aboard the "Satellite of Love", psychological tests were performed to monitor his reactions to substandard motion pictures; the creative and witty Mr. Robinson built robotic cohabitants to keep him company before escaping 6 years later.

I should repeat to myself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax." If only I could.

No comments: