SALSA & SELTZER & SHAMROCK SHAKES

(I just realized that "salsa & seltzer" were on my shopping list. Please, Jerry Seinfeld, don't sue me.)

It's SHAMROCK SHAKE TIME! I haven't been to a McD's in about 3 years but I'm pretty sure they still have these. Or do they? You may not know this, but the McDonald's character Grimace is thought to represent their shakes, though he's not a "shake-based creature" (God bless you for your gleeful inanity, Wikipedia!). A few words about Grimace: he's actually known as "Shaky" in Brazil, and his Irish relative is named Uncle O'Grimacy (see photo).

I've heard someone say that saying St. "Patty's" Day is offensive, and that you should say "St. Patrick's Day" instead. And some people are annoyed by the decorations featuring leprechauns carrying mugs of beer, saying that they are "unfair stereotypes". Are we kidding? How did everyone get so whiny and sensitive about everything?

VIACOM is suing GooTube for $1 billion. Wait, isn't there an MTV channel on Google? So what's the difference? Stupid douchebags. In a related story I'm announcing that I will be suing VIACOM for 100 billion dollars in damages, just because. I'd have no need for them if it weren't for "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report". It seems that whole sections of the population now are self-appointed PC policemen, who seem to exist just to blow the whistle on who said the word "faggot", "nigger", "vagina" or whatever word is offensive this month. How did this country turn into a bunch of whiny tattletale assholes? And I've never been a Patti Smith fan, but I admire her for singing "Rock and Roll Nigger" as her final song after her Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction; I'm sure a few people got their panties in a bunch over that song selection. (Oh, and the original four members of R.E.M. performing "Gardening At Night" last night really took me back.)

Between heckling A-Rod incessantly for "only" driving in 120 runs, booing Beltran on opening day, and chanting "SHOOT THE PUCK" on the Rangers power play, I'm beginning to think New York fans are irritating, arrogant pricks. Just a thought.

Does Old Spice make a "LOW ENDURANCE" deodorant? Because I don't know what they think I can withstand, but I don't think I'm ready for a HIGH ENDURANCE PACIFIC SURGE. In fact, the whole Pacific coastline is incerdibly vulnerable in the case of a tsunami, so why would they even name their product something so horrible?