From MST3K's "Godzilla vs. Megalon", enjoy the "Jet Jaguar" fight song with helpful subtitles!
I giggled like a 21 year old school boy when I watched this, which is what I was when it came out.
"HE BASICALLY GOOD-HEARTED BUT HE'D LIKE TO SMASH THAT KID AGAINST A ROCK"
On Saturday, Rob & I went to the 3rd round of the Barclays golf tournament for free, because Tiger wasn't there and people were GIVING their tickets away. It a great afternoon and the sparse crowds meant you could really get up close. I almost got hit with a wayward FIGJAM! drive on the par 4 314 yard 10th hole that he pulled way right, ending up in the death zone between the 10th green and the 11th tee. Minutes later with FIGJAM! teeing off on 11, Petrovic sailed another ball one into the crowd. I got out of there because I didn't want to get hit twice in one week. (Long story.) The Westchester Country Club in Harrison, NY is a beautiful course, more hilly than I realized, with some really interesting and challenging holes. The 478 yard par 4 12th (a par 5 for the members) is a standout: you hit from an elevated tee down into a valley, and then back up to an elevated green, with little room for error as a sheer cliff greets you if you miss right. It's an absolutely gorgeous golf hole.
As we entered the course, we couldn't help but notice the words "THE PLAYOFFS" were emblazoned everywhere. I think this is going to be an incredibly hard sell, a notion that has caught the imagination of absolutely no one. Here's why the FedEx Cup playoffs are a pile of crap: Rory Sabbatini currently has 100,650 points, which is 650 more points than Tiger Woods (100,000) because he clearly had a better golf season. Oh really? Let's break it down!
Tiger: 5 championships, including 1 major (PGA) and two WGC tournaments. Finished T2 (+3) at the Masters, T2 at the US Open (+6), T12 (-2) at The Open, and collected $7.8M in winnings.
Sabby: 1 championship at the Crowne Plaza Invitational (which included a free continental breakfast with a night's stay). Finished T2 (+3) at the Masters, missed the cut at PGA and The Open, carded a +21 (T51) at the US Open, took home $3.5M.
Head to head: In the final round pairing at the WGC-Bridgestone, Tiger knocked Rory's dick in the dirt, shooting a 65 vs. his opponent's 74, to win by 8 shots. This was one day after Rory, leading by one stroke, proclaimed that "Tiger looks more beatable now than ever."
In other words, Sabby completely OWNED (dare I say PWNED) Tiger in 2007! Right? Of course, everyone (in the PGA marketing department, anyway) would tell you that's only the "regular season", and this is the "playoffs". As Karl would say, I call international bullshit. Unlike playoff-focused sports like hockey, the regular season, and its 4 majors, is all that matters in golf.
Watching the final round on CBS-HD on Sunday, I got sick of these ludicrous "projected finish" numbers they put up on the screen all day as players were finishing their rounds, something like: "Eagle = 27th, Par = 56th, Bogey = 98th". WTF? Even one of the commentators mused about how nonsensical and baffling it was. Agreed. I suppose by "resetting" the "points", they're trying to give someone else a shot at winning some hideous, meaningless trophy. Because if you just look at the numbers it's usually going to add up TIGER.
10. The tire pressure light went on in my car the other day, and it turns out that I ran over ANOTHER NAIL. Damaging tires at an alarming rate is my only true talent. I should buy stock in the Yokohama Tire Company.
9. The lunchtime cup of coffee I get (at David's Bagels almost every day) is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it gives me the resolve to continue with my day. On the other hand, it fools me into thinking I can tolerate another afternoon at my cruddy job. I think I need to wake up and stop smelling the coffee.
8. Yet another reason why Wikipedia rules. Here's a line from the entry about 1985's "Lifeforce": "Stars Steve Railsback as the leader of the shuttle mission and Mathilda May as the beautiful female space vampire with nice boobs." I've always been interested in renting this movie because of its floptacular legacy, now it's a must-rent.
7. The only thing that preseason NFL is good for: injuries! I love waking up on Monday morning only to find that the Giants already shitty secondary lost Will Demps and Sam Madison. Fantastic. It's going to be a terrible year for Big Blew. With any luck, Tom Coughlin will be fired before Week 1 begins (*fingers crossed*).
6. The PGA is trying to tell me that the "playoffs" have begun with the The Barclays Tournament in Harrison, NY. Uhm, that's nice, but how is it the playoffs without Tiger Woods? Does he get a first round bye, like Peyton Manning occasionally does? All I know is by seeing the extremely sparse crowds (watching Hitch and FIGJAM!, who claim to be #3 and #4) at the Barclays yesterday is that the public hasn't bought it either, and if Tiger doesn't show neither will they. This is one package it's going to take a long time for FedEx to deliver.
5. The Texas Rangers scored 30 (unexplained) runs on Wednesday vs. the Baltimore Orioles, winning 30-3, the first team to score that obscene amount of runs in 110 years--okay, the first actual baseball team to ever do it. What are the odds the two Texas NFL football teams don't score that much combined on Week 1?
4. Great quote from Rip Torn from The Larry Sanders show: "Scotch whisky -- Glenlivet -- single malt. When you die and you go to heaven, you'll say hello to God and when God says hello to you, this is what you'll smell on his breath. "
3. The Onion's Shattered Expectations fantasy football league is genius. You pick from a handful of players and get points for their ineptitude: if a QB gets no TDs for the week, or a kicker misses a FG less than 24 yards away, you get 100 points for each! The only irritating thing is that 3 of the Tier 2 WR/TE you can pick are on the Giants. And how come there are no Jets on the list? An obvious East Side/West Side bias by the Onion, but I'll let it slide this time.
My league name: OCHO STINKO.
2. The Old Computers Museum is endlessly fascinating. I had the TRS-80 Color Computer, the IBM PC Portable (or "luggable", as it was 30 lbs). Before that we also had the Atari 2600 and the Telstar Ranger, which was a pong game equipped with a light gun, for a shooting game that never really worked.
1. Someone says that "Wicker Man" is becoming a cult classic. If by "cult classic" they mean "insufferable crap movie featuring bear-suited Nicolas Cage screaming a lot", then yes, I agree.
HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!?
NOT THE BEEEES!!!
This commercial is the very reason why (and I'll say it one more time) PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO ADVERTISE.
I guess we can call this one "Boner Jam". It's hard to believe, but dick drug commercials have now reached a new low.
SWEET HOLY FUCK, MAKE IT STOP!
Why do some NFL teams insist on getting stupid, hideous mascots when they should be focusing on getting smoking hot cheerleaders? The Jets and Giants are 2 of only 7 remaining NFL teams currently without them, and it's a travesty.
To try to illustrate the error of their ways, I'm stealing a bit from the incredibly funny KSK blog and posting a cheerleader on a Friday.
She's a Manchester, New Hampshire native and UNH grad (GO WILDCATS!), she's Meghan White, from the New England Patriots squad!
Favorite restaurant: Morton's Steakhouse
Favorite color: Green
Favorite animated character: Tinkerbell
Favorite song: Anything but country
She also volunteered for American Lung Association's "No Butt's About It" program. When they're in town playing the Jets, I'm thinking of inviting her over and making her a filet mignon with béarnaise sauce, while listening to anything but country. Beat that.
Honorable mention goes to this member of the Buffalo Jills, who is trying to hit a golf ball wearing go-go boots:
I'd Launcher and I don't even know her! God bless her li'l heart. Can we get that on SwingVision?
So Jets, are you going to let the Pats and the Bills kick your ass on AND off the field? Giants, are you going to allow your prettiest employee to be Eli Manning? (You know, now that Tiki's gone.) Think about it.
Your move, idiots.
10. Why does Boeing advertise on TV? Are there really people out there that don't know who Boeing is? Are there billionaires watching golf that will decide to buy a Boeing plane because they saw their commercial? Actually, I don't want to know that.
9. The proliferation of pointless preseason games has begun, meaning the 2007 NFL season is right around the corner. Apparently, referees will be using HD for their video reviews this season. So they will be able to see in crystal clarity what HDTV owners have been seeing for years: just how badly they fucked up the call.
8. This year, the Pittsburgh Steelers (for some reason) have a new scary mascot, and the "fans" have voted to name him . . . Steely McBeam. WTF? Any relation to Hootie McBoob? Maybe they should have gone with Big McLargehuge, from MST3K's Space Mutiny.
7. There's just something about a woman saying in a personal ad that one of her favorite artists is "Kip Winger (solo)" that's a complete turnoff to me. Call me picky, but life is too short for that.
6. As of 8/16/2007, one US dollar is worth 1.07 Canadian dollars. That's horrible! A few years ago it was about $1.30. Well, you had your chance Montreal strippers, but I don't think it's even worth coming up there anymore. I don't care if the Roughriders are playing the Rough Riders for the Grey Cup, I ain't coming up there if there ain't no cheap whores to throw my loonies at! So you can forget aboot it!
5. Apparently, everyone in Hollywood has decided that Chuck is the new name of comedy (or lack thereof). In a matter of weeks we are inundated with two movies ("I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" and "Good Luck Chuck") and a TV show (obviously named "Chuck"). There are probably also some porns in the works (I'm guessing maybe "Fuck Chuck" may be one of them). Enough. I want to upchuck.
4. Man, I am THISCLOSE to buying a Sony Playstation 3 and a copy of Madden '08. It just looks crazy good, and it's in HD and everything. Plus, I would have a Blu-Ray player, and although it's early, it appears to be winning the format war vs. HD-DVD.
3. Tiger Woods won his 13th major (the 89th PGA) on Sunday, which was pretty much a foregone conclusion after his asskicking 63 on Friday. When asked how he felt to have his wife and baby girl waiting in the clubhouse, he said, "I've never felt anything like this. It's cool." Tiger: a phenomenal golfer, and a tremendous dork. One question to CBS: if Ernie Els had won the tourney, did you have a cutesy childhood photo montage of him ready? I'm thinking probably not.
2. I might have to visit BARCADE! This cool-ass establishment is exactly what it sounds like: a bar filled with classic arcade games. Unlike a cheeseball place like Dave & Busters, it actually has excellent brews on tap (25+) to back it up: Abita, Rogue, Smuttynose, Victory, et. al. I just wish it was in my neighborhood instead of in Brooklyn.
1. It's 30 years later, and Elvis Presley is still dead. To honor The King, here's the "laughing version" of "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" from 1969. Allegedly, after a fan removed his toupee in the audience he changed the words to "Do you stare at your bald head and wish you had hair?", and subsequently could not stop laughing.
Funny story: back on August 16, 1977 I was with my dad and sister driving up to Maine, and as we were flipping around on the radio there seemed to be a lot of Elvis songs on the radio. After several hours of this, a DJ finally announced the news of his demise to clear things up. It was a big story in Maine, because he was supposed to play a concert/destroy a buffet in Portland the next day. To this day if we ever hear several songs by the same artist on the radio, we say, "Another song by him? Did he die?"
Today I am 37½ years old, exactly halfway between 35 and 40. I can't believe no one has sent me a card, text message or bouquet of flowers to mark the occasion. While this particular age may not mean much to you, it's important to me. When rounding to the nearest half-decade, now I can only round up to 40, and can no longer round down to 35. See how that works?
I've also realized that I've become very set in my ways and cranky over the last few years, and it isn't helping my blood pressure. Most people have "New Year's Resolutions", but this is much more ambiguous and unique. Without further adieu, here are some of my 37½ Year Suggestions.
1. Embrace mediocrity. It's really the only way to go, since there's so much of it to choose from. The new Smashing Pumpkins album, summer blockbusters, Wal-Mart, chain restaurants, ESPN--it's all there for my semi-enjoyment!
2. Stop being so cynical. This might be the hardest one of all, since pretty much everything is going to hell in a Happy Meal. But I'm going to try to see the silver lining in every pile of crap, no matter how much it stinks.
3. Try not to get so easily discouraged. It's easy to type out, not so easy to do. I get frustrated very easily by people, situations, this annoying blog. I have to learn to not let things bother me, and just move on.
4. Buy real estate. This is something that I can't believe I haven't done yet, and the market is still pretty good for a first-time buyer. And once I exercise those stock options, look out! That island I've been dreaming of owning will become a reality! Or maybe I'll just get that tiny condo in the suburbs. Either one.
5. Try more new things. Since I turned 30, I've tried out sushi (very good), playing hockey (very difficult), and yoga (very relaxing)--three things I thought I'd probably never do. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly start line dancing, jumping out of planes, or watching NASCAR anytime soon. But I wouldn't rule out jetskiing, snowboarding or watching Canadian football.
6. Travel more. I know, everyone says this one. But I get 3 weeks of vacation a year, and seem to use it all going to Maine, playing golf, maybe taking the odd long weekend to Cape Cod or camping with my family. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I think I need to spend a full week somewhere I've never been before: Seattle, Hawaii, the Caribbean, Italy, Myrtle Beach, Iowa! Okay, scratch that last one.
7. Don't act like such a know-it-all. I'm incredibly guilty of this. From now on, if someone asks me something I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm talking about, I'll just say, "I have no idea."
8. Ease up on the road rage. Yes, the idiot in front of me doesn't know how to drive, has no idea what the speed limit is, and is probably lost. No, there's nothing I can do about it, except bite my lip and turn up the XM radio.
9. Less sports, more politics. Sports talk infuriates me because at the end of the day it's completely meaningless; sports websites are frustrating because they're all trying to either sell you something or say something outrageous (or both). Also, I don't care what the athletes do or say right before and after the game: just go out on the field/course/court/rink and entertain me for a few hours. As for politics, I should be paying more attention to the story behind Stephen Colbert's smirk, and actually learning something about the 2008 presidential candidates. Regardless, it sure beats the hell out of Sportscenter.
10. Don't snap at my stupid co-workers. Okay, I've already gone cynical in the space of this blog entry. Damn.
Basically, I'm going to try to use this pseudo-milestone to help me embrace the future and work on improving my most annoying personality traits and bad habits. It probably won't work, but at least I can look back at this blog an laugh at my inability to change.
10. Of course I'm talking about the Bourne Bridge that leads into Cape Cod. I always forget how nice the Cape is until I go there and dread having to come back home. The house my friend Kerry's parents rented in Chatham was nice, but the house (uhm, the Spillane compound) I visited in Hyannis, featuring a huge deck with ocean views, was astonishing. I have to find a job out there, maybe scraping barnacles off of billionaires' yachts or something.
9. I'm done with comic book superhero movies. It's not as though I was a big fan to begin with, but I'm officially sick of them. Sure, I liked Spiderman, which was surprising because I never really liked any of the previous incarnations. But I was thoroughly non-plussed by Spiderman 2 (which everyone else loved), so I have just decided to avoid anything and everything having to do with the newest movies about Batman, Superman, X-Men, The 4 Fantastic Men, or whomever. Enough already!
8. Probably nobody cares, but here's a video highlight of the Bad Art Auction I was at a few weeks ago. If you don't like that, here's a blooper reel of Zach's "twin brother" Seth Galifianakis being interviewed by Brian Unger (the actual interview is here). If that doesn't strike you as funny, well, I guess you're not a Zach fan.
7. Flooding cripples the entire NYC transit system! A tornado rips through Brooklyn! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!
6. National Treasure was one of the most preposterous and inane movies I've seen in quite sometime (I had only watched it because I had just gotten my new HDTV)--a Da Vinci Code for drooling morons. However, inexplicably a second one is coming out this year, and as with the first movie the screenplay was written by a couple called "The Wibberleys" (Cormac and Marianne). They are the same geniuses responsible for the horrendous Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, The Shaggy Dog and I Spy. So there's a really excellent chance that this ponderous sequel will also be a pile of horseshit.
Meanwhile, where did it all go wrong for Oscar® winner Nicolas Cage? I'm going to go with 1999's 8MM, an unintentionally laughable Bruckheimer disaster about the slimy world of underground porn. I might have to do a whole separate blog entry for that one.
5. I'm no longer rooting for players in sports, just teams. It's a waste of time to get attached to some player who will say something stupid, sign as a free agent for your hated rival, or stick a needle in their ass and lie about it, or all of the above--they'll just let you down eventually. And it's pointless to celebrate some guy's personal achievements, so I'll leave that to their family members.
4. The Simpsons Movie was very funny, but ultimately not especially memorable; a week later I can't really remember any jokes from it. I give it 8 thumbs up. And because of the marketing deluge, I'm tired of seeing everyone "Simpsonized" already..jpg)
3. How is it that French actress Julie Delpy isn't married yet? I've had a crush on her since the one-two punch of Before Sunrise and White back in 1995. She's gorgeous, independent and a music lover (and singer, apparently), and she's only 2 months older than me. So dare I say she'd make a great wife for me. I'll have to email her when I get a chance.
2. How funny is it that a Mets fan, wearing a Mets uniform, caught Baroid's home run ball? The Onion put it best: Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation.
1. I'm watching FIGJAM! right now play his second round at Southern Hills on the PGA website. God bless free live online golf! These announcers have to stop complaining about the heat in Oklahoma. Anyway, it's the PGA's fault they decided to play the 89th PGA Tournament on that course in August, and it can't be hotter than when I attended Baltusrol in 2005, which averaged about 99° over the four days. Anyway, the only golfers that this heat will effect is the older players or those who are out of shape--well, good riddance! I guess that means John Daly will no longer be near the top of the leaderboard after today.
Why do sportswriters always get extra punny with golfer's names in their headlines? First round leader Graeme Storm brought on a downpour of bad jokes: "Storm Brews Great Opening Round", "Storm on PGA Radar", "Storm Surges", "It's not easy being a Storm in a tempest", "Storm Watch", "Storm Subsides", "Imperfect Storm", "Storm Downgraded". Bloody fucking hell, we get it!
