nap·py
[Pronunciation: 'na-pE]
Function: noun
Etymology: obsolete nappy, adjective, foaming
chiefly Scottish : LIQUOR; specifically : ALE
As a child, my grandfather would give me "a wee bit of the nappy" to get me to sleep.
(I don't know why Imus got in trouble for saying this. Unless he said "malt nappy".)
I can't believe it's finally here: The Masters® tournament!
I don't care if you hate Jim Nantz but his hyperbole is apropo: there is nothing like this golf tournament, golf course, golf broadcast, the golf tradition. Period. And you're probably bored of me saying that. Okay, yeah, the green jacket is ugly but it's the most notable sports award next to the Stanley Cup.
As it did two years ago it lands on Easter weekend, which gives me a convenient excuse to leave work early the next two days. Back in 2005, on Easter Sunday evening I was literally pulling out of my parents driveway at their house in Maine to when my mom ran out to stop me. I had no idea what was going on, I thought I had left something important in the house; it turned out that she wanted to tell me about a shot Tiger had just made: that famous chip-in on the 16th hole that dramatically hung on the lip before plunking in for a birdie (BROUGHT TO YOU BY NIKE). That drive back to NY was irritating because golf isn't really sports radio fodder (I had to put up with the WEEI Boston yahoos talking Sawx baseball). I didn't realize Tiger had bogeyed the final two holes to create a playoff scenario with DiMarco until I got about an hour closer to home, and could just barely hear Steve Somers on WFAN. Anyway, this time around I took off Monday so I can watch it all on my parents' 42" HDTV. That's right, I'm not kidding around.
Hey, this is the MASTERS®, dammit, the only major that's got a registered trademark. Let's break it down.
THE COURSE
Name: Augusta National, Augusta, GA
Par: 72
Yardage: 7,445
THE BROADCAST
4/5 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 1st round (USA/UniversalHD)
4/6 - 4:00-7:00 pm: 2nd round (USA/UniversalHD)
4/7 - 3:30-7:00 pm: 3rd round (CBS HD)
4/8 - 2:30-7:00 pm: Final round (CBS HD)
The difference with this HD broadcast and all the others is that every camera is HD and they use fiberoptic cables buried throughout the golf course, and the results are simply stunning (suck it, NBC!). The online coverage will once again include Amen Corner Live, and an extra hour of coverage before TV coverage. Yes, they do it right. Oh, and NONE of it is on ESPN (suck it, Worldwide Loser!).
FIRST ROUND TEE TIMES (EDT)
Just check out the heavy hitters in these opening threesomes:
[10:23 am] Mike Weir, Henrik Stenson
[10:34 am] Fred Couples, Ernie Els, Geoff Ogilvy
[10:56 am] Phil Mickelson, Adam Scott
[11:07 am] Charles Howell III, Jose Maria Olazabal, Justin Rose
[ 1:41 pm] Padraig Harrington, Luke Donald
Other notables: [10:45 am] Sergio Garcia, [11:51 pm] Jim Furyk, [12:57 pm] Retief Goosen, [ 2:03 pm] Vijay Singh
THE FIELD
Some guy named "Tiger Woods" tees off at 1:53 pm. What a silly name! He might as well be "Leopard Irons" or "Elephant Sandtrap". Well, I guess it's better than his real name: ELDRICK! Man, if he hadn't spent his entire childhood on the golf course, just imagine the teasing he'd get at school. Anyway, this kid might have a chance to win.
So let's start with who won't win it: Retief Goosen (too many times he's let me down), Adam Scott (too shaky with the putter), Charles Howell III (stank at the Ryder Cup), Mike Weir (too Canadian). And Ian Poulter is trying to out-ugly the field by wearing stupid looking hats that match his shirt. Good lord.
As for the potential winners, Vertullo came up with an interesting pool: choose 2 US players not named "Tiger", 1 European, and 1 other, all must make the cut, lowest composite score wins. Here's who I'm going with:
Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson. Yes, Phillis is a no-brainer pick, but I respect him more for losing 15-20 pounds in the off-season (which gets shorter each year). I was secretly hoping he'd shave his head and start cursing up a storm, yelling at the gallert like Monty on steroids. At the very least I wish he would wipe that geeky smile off his face.
Brett "Slippery When" Wetterich. I almost chose Jim "Hitch" Furyk, but I can't watch him putt anymore. I went down the list of uninspiring U.S. players and decided on him because he played well at the Doral and the Honda. Big hitter, but his accuracy and putting aren't great.
Paddy "Whisky" Harrington. This is the last time I pick him. Seriously. And I almost chose Sergio "Los Pantalones Feos" Garcia instead, so don't make me regret it Padraig!
Robert "Good Show" Allenby. This Aussie has been in the top 10 in 6 of 7 events this year, and he's 12th in driving distance, a boon at Augusta.
This Final Four is sure to suck just like my NCAA picks. Anyway, it's like Xmas eve, can't wait for it to start! Enjoy.
MASTERS® LEADERBOARD
SECOND ROUND TEE TIMES
Hole/Name/Par/Yards
1) Tea Olive - Par 4, 455
2) Pink Dogwood - Par 5, 575
3) Flowering Peach - Par 4, 350
4) Flowering Crab Apple - Par 3, 240
5) Magnolia - Par 4, 455
6) Juniper - Par 3, 180
7) Pampas - Par 4, 450
8) Yellow Jasmine - Par 5, 570
9) Carolina Cherry - Par 4, 460
10) Camellia - Par 4, 495
11) White Dogwood - Par 4, 505
12) Golden Bell - Par 3, 155
13) Azalea - Par 5, 510
14) Chinese Fir - Par 4, 440
15) Firethorn - Par 5, 530
16) Redbud - Par 3, 170
17) Nandina - Par 4, 440
18) Holly - Par 4, 465
WEATHER - AUGUSTA, GA
(It's supposed to be around 60 and sunny down there. Meanwhile, it's going to be brutally cold around here, not getting higher than 40 in Maine all weekend. But at least I can dream about playing golf soon.)
I tuned into ESPN HD last night to watch a little of the Sunday Night baseball game of the Mets @ the Cards to kickoff the season . . . and they were showing women's college basketball instead. I shit you not. I can't bring myself to watch "The Deuce" since it looks like grainy garbage on my TV thanks to Cablevision, so I just forgot about it. I don't know why I even bother turning on ESPN. Furthermore, I'm not the only one in the NY area that doesn't get ESPN2 in high definition, since Cablevision and Time Warner NY dominate the local cable market and don't carry it. What garbage.
I was also excited to hear that the Discovery Channel's show "The Deadliest Catch" is filmed in HD. In fact, they reportedly lose nearly a quarter of a million dollars of equipment due to the brutal conditions while filming the show. Since I now have the Discovery HD channel, I was looking forward to the season 3 premiere on Tuesday night. . . except that THEY ARE NOT BROADCASTING IT IN HD. In fact, there are no plans to show it in HD. I have no idea why. What a joke.
Thank Jebus that The Masters is coming in 2 days, shown in fantastic, glorious HD. Here's the TV schedule:
4/5/2007 Golf The Masters -- 1st round - Augusta National 4:00 PM UniversalHD (1080i)
4/6/2007 Golf The Masters -- 2nd round - Augusta National 4:00 PM UniversalHD (1080i)
4/7/2007 Golf The Masters -- 3rd round - Augusta National 3:30 PM CBS (1080i)
4/8/2007 Golf The Masters -- Final round - Augusta National 2:30 PM CBS (1080i)
It's another CARTOONSDAY. In honor of the baseball season starting, here's Bugs Bunny in "Baseball Bugs" (1944).
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs - Watch today’s top amazing videos here
The Gas House Gorillas are very similiar to the current New York Yankees: they're loaded but can't win when it counts.
I just came across this list of Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes. There are some winners on here:
#20. 15th Annual New York City April Fool's Day Parade. The best part of this one: the "Atlanta Braves Baseball Tribute to Racism" float, with John Rocker "spewing racial epithets at the crowd." The best part of this is that FOX5 News, the most pathetic excuse for a news team in the NY metro area, fell for this one.
#91: Augusta National Goes Public
The May 1990 issue of Golf magazine had good news for golf enthusiasts. It reported that Augusta National, the elite private golf course where the Masters tournament is held, would begin allowing public access to its course at certain times. As a result of this report, both Augusta National and Golf magazine received hundreds of calls from eager golfers inquiring about playing privileges. But the report was an April fool's joke, despite its placement in the May issue. Golf magazine was forced to publish a retraction, reaffirming that Augusta National was still a private club open only to members and guests.
HA! Yeah right. Karl mentioned #2: Sidd Finch.
In its April 1985 edition, Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch and he could reportedly throw a baseball with startling, pinpoint accuracy at 168 mph (65 mph faster than anyone else has ever been able to throw a ball). Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans everywhere celebrated at their teams's amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. But in reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the writer of the article, George Plimpton.
A lot of people believed this, apparently. Sports fans are so gullible, they'll believe anything you feed them if it will help their team win (see: Barry Bonds and SF Giants fans). The best part was the subheading of the article that spelled out HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S.
"He's A Pitcher, Part Yogi
And Part Recluse. Impressively Liberated
From Our Opulent Lifestyle, Sidd's
Deciding About Yoga (and his future in baseball)."
#23: Guinness Mean Time. I've been on this for years, this is a hoax?
blo-vi-ate
[BLOH-vee-ayt], intransitive verb:
To speak or write at length in a pompous or boastful manner.
It wouldn't be spring without the bloviating John Sterling, who stated during the Yankees opening day broadcast today that Robinson Cano was "the BEST #8 HITTER IN BASEBALL HISTORY".
(Strangely, I didn't miss baseball as much as I missed the awkward dynamic of the Sterling/Waldman Lowe's broadcast booth.)
The New Jersey Devils have fired head coach Claude Julien. GM Lou Lamiorello will coach for the rest of the season and the playoffs.
I have no problem with Sweet Lou's hockey moves, and no one in their right mind can argue with 3 Stanley Cups in the past 12 years. But what the hell happened here? Imagine you coach a team all year to first place in the division and 2nd place in the East with 3 games to go, and then being unceremoniously kicked out the door. Maybe Claude insulted Lou on the color of his tie during dinner last night, I don't know. Lou has pulled this stunt before, shitcanning Robbie Ftorek with 4 games to go and plugging in Larry Robinson to win the Cup in 2000. But they were sucking at the time, and no one liked the bench throwing Ftorek.
By some accounts, Julien seems like an idiot incapable of tying the laces on a hockey skate. Okay, by my account alone he seems like an idiot. I liken him to the Red Sox Terry Francona: just get out of the way and let them play. But I haven't heard anything about him not getting along with the team, or being disliked by the media. On the contrary, he's barely ever interviewed and generally has only positive things to say. But this is Lou we're talking about, so there must be a good reason.
On the other hand, despite his reputation as a shrwed businessman, Lou is partially to blame for the Devils not being the premiere team in the NY area despite all their success. I understand that the Rangers are THE TEAM, and the Isles won 4 Cups before the Devils became the 3rd man in. But the 1st place Devils are languishing in the bottom 4 of the NHL attendance figures in percent seats sold, and part of that has to do with the way the team is marketed, something Old School Lou probably doesn't have the best grasp on. The other problem is having a team in an area with plenty of other ways to spend your money (see: Boston, Chicago, Washington). If you put this team in Winnipeg, Quebec, or Saskatoon, I bet they'd have 22K there every night and people would be tattooing Lou's name on their asses. (Calgary somehow averages 112% of their arena capacity. Are fans sitting on each other's laps? Does the fire marshall know about this?)
Regardless, I can't argue with the move since I don't know much about Julien, and it seemed like he was merely a puppet. Hopefully, this won't affect their playoff run (which I don't see going very long anyway).
As the season winds down, the big question is: who want's the President's Trophy? If you listen to ESPN, they would tell you Detroit and Nashville are the only ones in contention. But if you're not an idiot you know better than to listen to the Worldwide Leader in Shit, who show more funny car and women's basketball highlights than hockey highlights. Right now the standings have Detroit with 108 pts., Nashville 107, and Buffalo 106. The key here is that the Sabres have a game in hand and two more wins than Detroit. But who really cares? There's only one Cup that matters.
Speaking of the President's Trophy, I have a funny story about that (and forgive me if I've blogged this already). After seeing a Beastie Boys concert back in 1995, I was walking down the stairs to get out of MSG, and naturally as the arena empties it gets more crowded and slow as you get closer to the street. So I decided to look for a shortcut through one of the side doors that was ajar. It turned out that I ended up in the New York Rangers offices, and staring back at me from a glass case was the PRESIDENT'S TROPHY that they had won from 1994, among other plaques and assorted awards. I really thought it was interesting that they didn't have this office securely locked during a rap concert, and I'm just sorry that I didn't attempt to take it home with me. Anyway, that was my brush with hardware greatness; it was nice, but it was no Stanley.
Maybe the Devils want that 2nd spot after all. They're waking up at the right time, coinciding with Elias, Madden and Gionta being healthy again--now there's a shocker! Of course, if you believe Sportsline they had a hell of a weekend. Stars back in place, Devils whip Bruins to seize Eastern lead. This headline should be followed by . . . APRIL FOOL'S! Because unless that win was worth 10 points, they're still well behind Eastern Conference leader Buffalo. Maybe they should institute a new point system that increases as you get closer to the playoffs. Yeah, that idea isn't any more asinine than bigger goals or shootouts in the playoffs, both of which would be a monumental disaster.
As for the rest of the Eastern Conference, it should be an interesting fight for those final playoff spots, as Tampa Bay, Montreal, and Toronto (who got stomped by the Rangers last night) claw for position. Carolina is fading fast, and the DiPietro-free Isles are all but out of it. And someone has to upset Ottawa in the first round, so who better than the young resurgent Pittsburgh Penguins?
The 8 teams representing the Western Conference are pretty much decided, and they might all have over 100 points. With the new point calculation system we all know that stat is meaningless, but the playoffs should be interesting as there isn't a bad team in the bunch.
They really should change the NHL playoff seeding rule, where a division winner gets a top seed regardless of their point total. Right now Atlanta has 93 points, but because they are 1st in the Southeast they're seeded ahead of Pitt (101) and Ottawa (102). Poppycock, I say! Just seed them 1 through 8 already! The only playoff seeding system more screwed up is baseball, with the "no division rivals can play each other in the first round", which is utterly stupid.
Listen good, because I'm only going to say this once: Bernie Parent's single-season modern record 47 wins cannot be fairly compared to whatever Martin Brodeur's final tally is this season, because of the fact that THERE ARE NO LONGER TIES IN THE NHL. For every game, someone has to get a win, whether it's in a shootout or OT. In 1973-1974, Bernie Parent played 73 of the Flyers 82 games, winning 47, losing 13, and tying 12. Under the current "somebody's fans go home happy" system he would have definitely had at least 50 wins, and might have won as many as 59! He also had a 1.89 GAA and 12 shutouts (and 3 assists), and 12 wins in the playoffs for the Stanley Cup Champs, so as good as Marty's season has been this year, it won't top that.
Stay tuned for my 2007 STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA coming next week!
I was going to say one of the "things I like" is "telling my boss that I'm not coming in on weekends, not this weekend, not fucking ever", but she's probably used to the rejection by now, so I just ignore all such volunteer requests.
Instead, I'm going to vote for this, since I'm a sucker for chocolate anything: NEWMAN'S OWN ORGANIC DARK CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
Man, these things are delicious, and they're made from all organic ingredients, which means . . . free-range peanuts and non-HGH injected cocoa beans, I suppose. Plus, Paul Newman's company has given $200 million to charity and was in Slap Shot, so you have to respect that.
There was this big "dramatic" scene during last week's LOST, featuring two of the most uninteresting yet (unfortunately) pivotal characters: Jack and Kate. Near the conclusion of the scene, they pulled back to show there was a foosball table in the room, something the viewers had no idea would even be on the island. I thought to myself, "Ooo, they have foosball!", completely forgetting whatever the two characters had just said. Essentially, the foosball players were the most compelling actors in the scene.
One other TV note: for the big SCRUBS moment where a "longtime employee goes into a coma", they chose the sassy black nurse Laverne? Jeepers, who gives a crap?
Random thought: do birds ever get "dead wing"? I'll be sitting in front of the computer and suddenly my leg will fall asleep, for no good reason. Do animals ever get this?
Vertullo passed this along: SNOPES determined that indeed W's Texas ranch house is much more environmentally friendly than Gore's mansion in Tennessee.
God bless the Onion: Confident Phil Mickelson guarantees Tiger Woods will win Masters. After winning the Doral, Tiger said he was "very pleased" with his game heading into the Masters. Note to the rest of the field: be very afraid.
Why does Deadspin hate Jim Nantz? He's probably the nicest guy you could ever imagine, and I have absolutely no problem with him. It seems that sports fans and websites just have to hate someone or they would wither and die. Blech.
BTW, golf is all about tradition. That's why it irks me when these corporate sponsors change the name of the tournament at their whim. It's the "Doral", not the "WGC-CA Championship", whatever the fuck that is. And as much as I like Arnie, it's the "Bay Hill Invitational", okay? Stop it already.
After the unfathomable mess I made of my bracket for the NCAA basketball tournament (Maryland in the final four? WTF?), as well as the NCAA Frozen Four (I brought that on myself, really), I swore I would never look at another bracket for the rest of the year. Then Band Madness came along and made me feel happy again, until Spoon lost in the first round and I felt shame, anger, and depression.
Well, this one is too good to pass up: NAME OF THE YEAR. This blog has created a bracket of some of the most unbelievable names they've come across this year (and they swear they're all true). Some of the names on this sheet had me literally laughing out loud (LLOL), and while some are merely unfortunate, the intentionally bad names are so incredible they make the parents who named Majestic and Scientific Mapp look like amateurs. To wit, here are your #1 seeds (I wish Chris Gumbel had announced these live on CBS):
Intelligent Infinite Botts, Mario Hilario, Vanilla Dong, Yourhighness Morgan.
Wow. It's Idiocracy come to life, except dumber (Beef Supreme wouldn't stand a chance in this tourney). In a few years, we're going to look back at the underappreciated Mike Judge as some sort of magical prophet. Seriously: Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee is only a 5 seed!
So please go check it out, and fill our your bracket today. And thank you, Name of the Year blog, for allowing me to enjoy brackets again.
(Really, this is the last one you're getting from me. I swear.)
I just love this word, especially pronounced the British way: feee-tid.
fet·id
Pronunciation: 'fe-t&d, especially British 'fE-tid
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin foetidus, from foetEre to stink
: having a heavy offensive smell (a fetid swamp)
synonym: see MALODOROUS
Since I have no money in this, I'll probably get all these correct. Or not.
2007 NCAA DIV. I MEN'S HOCKEY TOURNAMENT
I just want to say some really short stuff.
The next time some whipper-snapper tries to convince me that "MTV is cool", I'll tell them that VIACOM is suing YouTube for $1 billion dollars, a decidedly uncool move. Comedy Central, MTV, VH1, you guys all deserve to die. Cable TV, in fact, is a dying technology and should really just go the way of the dinosaur. The owners know this, and that's why guys like Cablevision's Dolan are holding onto what little chips they have until their inevitable downfall.
The DirecTV commercial in which Turtle from Entourage says "I gotta have my Knicks in HD" is pure crap: Cablevision is the exclusive owner of MSG-HD, and has not given the rights to any other satellite, cable or FiOS company. So this is complete bullshit just like the Tiki Barber DISH TV football commercials, since Echostar does not have the NFL Sunday Ticket package. You're stupid if you sign up for these commercials, but smart if you switch to satellite, espcially since DirecTV says they will "have the capacity for 150 HD channels in 2007", whatever that means.
Speaking of HD, Cablevision added National Geographic HD and Discovery HD today. But I still hate Dolan.
Meanwhile, YouTube is apparently giving out awards for the best crappy videos of the year. I can only imagine some of the possible categories: Best Fake Video Featuring A 15 Year Old Lonely Occult-Loving Girls That Are Neither Lonely Nor 15, World's Stupidest Cat Owners, and Ow My Balls!
I started watching The Amazing Race All-Stars Show once CBS started to advertise that the wicked insufferable Rob and Amber were eliminated from the race (marketing that works!). Of course I forgot that the irritating Charla and Mirna are also on TARASS; one of them is certifiably insane and treats her teammate cousin, a midget, like a child. When they placed first and won an Aruba trip featuring a free massage, I wondered: do midgets get a discount on a full-body massage? I mean, there's not a lot of area to cover compared to, say, someone like me. Is it wrong to wonder that?
The show SCRUBS is very funny, but I think it's run its course. They've used every "HEY LOOK AT ME" gimmick in the TV book: a pregnancy, a musical episode, a clip show, and tonight one of the stars (I say Dr. Kelso, but don't rule out Dr. Cox) is going into a life-threatening coma--and that's just since January! Egads. I'd say "It's over", but NBC might renew the show for a 7th season and make Zach Braff one of the richest sitcom stars on TV. So they're going to milk this goat for all its worth. These guys could learn something from Ricky Gervais, whose The Office and Extras ended while still on top (12 episodes, making it England's longest running series!).
As it stands now, Rangers will meet the Devils in the first round of the playoffs . . . but I don't think it will end that way. They peaked too early and are playing like crap, and will not win the division, and will instead end up in 4th or 5th . . . and probably still play the Rangers.
If overrated Memphis beats Texas A&M tonight, I am officially done with running a NCAA bracket. And I think it's about time that Kansas Bill-Self-destructs and blew up everyone's bracket.
GO SALUKIS!
And screw you, CBS, for starting the late games after 10 PM. I'm going to bed.
(That was a lot longer than I expected.)
Calvert DeForest, better known as Larry "Bud" Melman from David Letterman's stellar NBC years, died on Monday at the age of 85. This skit, where he's giving away hot towels at the Port Authority bus terminal, makes me laugh uncontrollably.
So would you rather have that, or Adam Sandler? Wait, America, don't answer that. Rest in peace, Larry "Bud".
I don't really have a lot of interesting hockey comments, because I've been watching mostly the maddening NCAA this week. All I know is that the playoff picture is starting to come into focus. I woke up this morning and the Rangers are in 7th place, thanks to a late Jagr goal to beat the Penguins last night. Hello, Blueshirts! Welcome back from the dead! Of course, if the season ended today (and it should already, honestly), they'd meet the Devils in the first round once again. Egads! Of course, the way the Devils have been playing as of late (only 2 points behind the Pens) they could easily slip to 4th or 5th. They play tonight in Toronto, and the Leaves will be fired up after the last game which featured that stupid-ass Janssen hit (although Kaberle isn't playing, do you think Belak might fight Janssen?).
The Isles' 15 year man Rick DiPi is hurt, and Mike Dunham is starting in his place. Yes, his name is on the Cup thanks to his buddy Marty, but he's not good, giving up 16 goals in the last 3 games going 0-3 with a 6.58 GAA and a .828 SV%. OUCH! So who is Dunham's backup? Wade Dubielewicz. Oh sweet Jebus. So can GM Garth Snow sign himself and get between the pipes? (Mario was owner/player for the Pens, so why not? I always thought he should have wore an "O" on his sweater, but I digress.)
Meanwhile, cooler heads have prevailed and charges will not be filed against Simon for his stick attack on Hollweg on March 8, but that's about the only good news. Do you think Ryan Smith misses Edmonton right now? He could have stayed home and missed the playoffs just as easily.
The Sabres are plugging away, and still in first despite losing 5 of their last 7. At the other end of the playoff spectrum, 8th place Carolina has 80 points, and in a 9th place logjam are Montreal, Toronto and the Isles (with 2 games at hand, with 2 more each on the schedule vs. NYR and NJ) are at 78.
Meanwhile in the West, the Predators are on top, and lead the NHL with 100 points. The Ducks are still in 2nd, and Bertuzzi returns with the Red Wings tonight. The rest of the playoff field looks set, unless the Avs and Son of Statsny can make a late push (they have 80 pts, 4 behind 8th place Calgary).
What happened to the NHL on NBC? Did they give up already? For that matter, where is The Office and Heroes? I haven't had a single reason to turn on that channel in two weeks (and their golf coverage is an unwatchable HD/SD mess).
Who am I kidding? I really just wanted to post this picture of Rockland County's own Hayden Panettiere (Heroes) licking the Stanley Cup.+with+Stanley+Cup+3-16-07+(Amanda+Edwards-Getty+Images).jpg)
(I would say that I'd let her lick my Cup any time, but she doesn't turn 18 until August 21 so that might be wrong.)
(Photo courtesy of Amanda Edwards/Getty Images)
Another NCAA tournament weekend has come and gone, and it was enjoyable, even if it was not completely earth-shattering. In the first round, besides VCU upsetting Duke, Winthrop knocking off Notre Dame, and ignoring the 8/9 games, all the games went to chalk. This almost never happens, and it made for a pretty dull set of games. Usually you have a 12, 13, or 14 seed prevail: this year not one surprise Cinderella in the bunch. The second round had a few games go to OT, but I didn't really feel that excited about any of them, and there wasn't a single buzzer beater.
But what's not surprising is that my bracket picks are garbage. I took chances on George Washington, Holy Cross, Old Dominion, Gonzaga, Arkansas, Creighton, Texas Tech, and Albany and they let me down. Come to think of it, why did I choose eight teams with a 10 or worse seeding? I really don't know what I was smoking, but I really thought that this was a wide open field with no real favorites. I tend to overthink my picks, and then think some more and go back and change it a bit. But this year's was the topper, as I decided at the last minute that Vanderbilt and Tennessee were crap (despite saying earlier that the latter could surprise), that Maryland was a legit Final Four team because Darryl Strawberry's kid is on it, that Butler completely stinks, and that Boston College was going to lose because I didn't like the way coach Al Skinner looks. Even Kansas and Memphis look competent, and the PAC-10 teams truly kicked my ass. And fuck you Gonzaga! (And let's not talk about Villanova, who didn't even show up. Mike Nardi, who was hurt and shouldn't have played that second half, we hardly knew ye. "Moving without the basketball" will take on a new meaning, as he moves back into his parents' house this May.)
Good lord, I stink.
Yes, I can still win the pot if Texas A&M gets the title (I still have NC and Pitt alive for my final 4), but I really don't see that happening. Basically, it comes down to this: I will not be running a bracket pool for 2008, and probably won't even fill out a sheet. It's embarrassing to organize this thing every year and be soundly thrashed. Instead, I'm going to focus on just enjoying NCAA Friday, during which my only worries are drinking, eating, and watching basketball. Just a few notes:
As far as sports viewing goes, Nyack is a complete and fucking utter waste of time. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, judging by the large gay population, but it's unbelievable. On Thursday night it was simply unfathomable that Black Bear Saloon and their "26 flat screens" was showing ESPN figure skating on 5 TVs and ESPN News on several others, instead of ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR SPORTING EVENTS OF THE YEAR. They were on notice, now they're dead to me.
On the other hand, The Sports Page Pub in White Plains "gets it". They have all the games in HD, and know when they're on. And while the place is nothing to look at from the outside, it has a nice big room with countless TVs to choose from. Plus, it's filled with sports fans and just has a great atmosphere. We had dinner at James Joyce, but they just could not compare, as they were in full "calm before the St. Pat's storm" mode.
The Page even had a bunch of Villanova alumni gather in a back room with a big non-HD big screen to watch the game, which led to this awkward exchange with one of them:
Alumni: So do we have anyone else here who went to Villanova?
Me: Uhm, I did.
Alumni: I graduated in 1984.
Me: Oh. I graduated in 1992.
Alumni: Oh.
He quickly turned around before I got to introduce myself. Yes, it turns out that it's true: most Villanova alums are stuck-up snobs. Whatever. I quickly sauntered back into the main room to watch the games with the real fans, most of them rooting for Holy Cross (the owner's son apparently went there). I didn't find this out until now, but most of them were fans of senior point guard Torey Thomas from White Plains. Regardless of the respective fan support, both Catholic schools bit the dust. I guess God hates basketball.
I'm still surprised at how many "sports fans" have no idea that the tournament is NOT ON ESPN. It's been on CBS for years! People seem to think that if it's a sporting event, it's on ESPN; conversely, if it's not on ESPN, then it's not a sport. Apparently, the brainwashing is working.
CBS's HD coverage was fine, considering the sheer breadth of this tournament there weren't any major foul ups. As long as they weren't switching around too much and doing that weird "live look-in" thing where the entire screen had a huge frame around it (bad choice). I did notice that the picture was a bit muddy at times, and although it wasn't good as "looking through a window", it was not as bad as looking like it was "underwater" (like some complained); it was somewhere in between. However, what is with the microphones on the rims? Do we have to hear a loud rattling sound with every basket? Jeepers.
I just want to announce: I've never found Tracy Morgan funny. Not even remotely. I haven't seen a funny SNL skit, interview, or standup performance of his . . . and now he's doing DiGiorno's commercials. Uh huh. I just don't get the allure, and that 30 Rock show where he does a parody of himself is also NOT funny.
Once last thing: thanks to the New York DOT for not plowing I-287 all the way from White Plains to Nyack, even though it was snowing/sleeting in the area for 15 hours straight. It was atrocious, and I'm really wondering where the hell my tax money is actually going. We even passed 12 plow trucks in WP and NOT ONE OF THEM HAD THE PLOW ON THE GROUND; I hope they got paid OT for that. Although if they'd actually done their job, Vertullo would not have been able to make a snow angel in the middle of Church Street. So that was worth it.
All in all, another enjoyable NCAA Friday. (Let's just forget about the brackets.)
I'm in a training session right now. (Ah, the magic of blogging on the InterWebs.) Basically, a guy is doing a presentation for some laboratory software, and right now we're watching an HPLC system equilibrate. For those non-separation scientists out there, it's like watching methanol dry. This was supposed to be a hands-on training, but my cheap-ass company only has 3 computers allocated for 12 people; meanwhile, we pay 174 VPs over 6 figures and 10000 stock options a year. What a complete joke. So anyway, this is my revenge. BWAA-HAA-HAA-HAAAA!!!
Sometimes I look like I was drunk when I shaved, and other days I actually AM drunk while shaving (NOT RECOMMENDED). Today, it's the former; I have a quarter-inch stripe on my chin with 2 days worth of stubble on it, which I didn't even see until I went to the bathroom at 10 AM. The problem could be that I quickly shave at night before going in the shower, and in the morning I only look at myself in the mirror to make sure I'm not bleeding. I also switched the bulbs in my bathroom light to the crappiest of compact fluorescents (thanks IKEA!), which I highly recommend if you want to slip on something and brain yourself. I also use the same blade for 2 months or so because I don't grow a thick beard, and I'm annoyingly frugal and each MACH3 blade costs $11. Some days I think, "Fuck everything, I'm going to five blades", but nah, those things cost $14 each. No thanks.
But I think I know what my problem is. I have a touch of the dreaded MADNESS. 
For the last month it's been nothing but NCAA hoops. I've been breathing, eating, drinking, inhaling, injecting, consuming, masticating, swallowing, digesting, processing, absorbing, excreting, defecating, cleaning, flushing and deodorizing NCAA hoops. I had it all at my fingertips: RPI, SOS, DNA, and many more acroynms. So with all this information at my disposal, the picks should be easy. I basically had it all figured out . . . and then I changed my picks about 6 times last night. That's never a good sign. I have no chance, and I would like to pre-congratulate one of the other people in my bracket pool for winning it all!
But then while reviewing my bracket for the 40th time, I had an epiphury epiphany. I asked myself, WWJP? It was suddenly so clear to me. Villanova will meet Holy Cross, and Georgetown wil play Oral Roberts in the Saint Sixteen. Marquette, Creighton will most surely make it to the Holy Eight . . . it's what God would want. And who would be in the Divine Four? Nova, Norte Dame, Xavier, and Oral Roberts--this is the Word of the Lord. (Screw Georgetown, not even God is rooting for them. How many John Thompsons and Patrick Ewingses must we endure?)
Screw that. UNLV is going all the way. They play "Viva Las Vegas" before every game! I'm not going to win the pool, so basically I'm just psyched that the BEST TOURNAMENT IN SPORTS is almost underway. Tonight and tomorrow it's supposed to snow like a bitch, and I say bring it on! I won't be at work anyway, I'll be inside watching hoops, drinking, and eating, so who cares?
Good luck out there, Bracketeers.
Every year, somebody who gets paid more than me produces some ridiculous financial report to estimate how much money due to productivity decreases(oh, the irony) caused by employees following the NCAA tournament. Somehow, this figure is usually in the billions of dollars. But damn, this is the funniest thing I've read in a while: Does March Madness distract workers? They sum it up by saying that companies should embrace the NCAA tournament, and not blame it for lost work time. This section takes the cake:
" . . . companies should embrace the annual tournament by helping to organize events such as a company pool or team sweatshirt day. He also thinks employers should consider offering workers a flexible schedule so they can watch their favorite teams on their own time and then get back to work."
Are you kidding me? Is this for the employees of UTOPIACORP? This ARTICLE is complete madness. I guarantee that 95% of the corporations out there would do no such thing. Maybe I've worked for some crappy employers, but the slave labor camp that I work in would laugh at this notion. If I take 2 hours to go to a doctor's appointment, they make me take a half a sick day. FLEX TIME FOR A BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT? Are you out of your mind?
Of course, if my company actually embraced this, I'd probably learn to hate the NCAA tourney. As it stands now, I'm calling in sick on Friday.
Web news headlines crack me up. They have to be 7 words or less to sum up the story they link to, and also tease it just enough to make you want to click on it (like Whale kills would-be rescuer in Japan). The ones on my cell phone browser are even funnier; since they have to fit on a tiny screen, they're usually only 3 words long. Today I saw these two winners: "Pumps Are Faulty" and "Man Blames Unicorns". Unless you've already heard these stories, you can't possibly know what either one is referring to from those ridiculously succinct links. Personally, I'd like to think they're related to the same story; unicorns are always messing with the pumps, and it's about time someone spoke up about it. The pump don't work 'cause the unicorn stole the handle!
Anyway, I saw this news story link just now: FDA says pills can cause 'sleep-driving' - BusinessWeek. Being in the pharmaceutical business, I naturally had to click on it. Immediately, the article lost me with the first sentence: "All prescription sleeping pills may sometimes cause sleep-driving, federal health officials warned Wednesday, almost a year after the bizarre side effect first made headlines when Rep. Patrick Kennedy crashed his car after taking Ambien."
Come on. Don't treat us like we're stupid. We're talking about a KENNEDY here, Patrick Kennedy, the son of Ted Kennedy! You expect me to believe he was "sleep driving" at 2:45 AM with his lights off because of a prescription drug? Police on the scene said he smelled of alcohol, he claimed to be "late for a vote" (6 hours earlier), and he even went to rehab immediately after this incident. What a complete and utter load of bullshit. If he was actually not driving drunk, if it was Phenergan and not Frangelico that made him crash into a barrier outside the Capitol, I will eat my shorts with a side of freedom fries.
The bigger story here hasn't been touched on here: the incredible laziness of the American people. If this story is to be believed, we don't even sleepwalk anymore, now we sleepdrive. At least if you sleepwalk, you might accidentally get some exercise. Regardless, this whole story can be summed up by "lawyers forcing companies to make even more warning labels".
