LOST FOR GOOD?

I'm not a patient man.

Just ask anyone who has been in my car while stuck in traffic, or while trying to leave a parking lot after a hockey game. Or better yet, ask anyone who has been near me while trying to get a drink at a crowded bar (I'm 6'4", how can they not see me?!). So when ABC put their hit show LOST was on hiatus from early November until today, I thought I'd be done with it. This is the only show that routinely landed in the Top 10 for the network and I'm sure it makes a ton of money, and they had to split it into two pieces due to "production constraints"? I don't even know what that means. Is it because of all the cast members that party too hard on location in Hawaii? (I think there's been 2 DWIs and a house fire so far.)

LOST is a heavy serial show that demands your attention, because of all the plot points, details, and back story you have to absorb and remember. Personally, I can't recall a single thing about what happened in the previous "half-season". Something about Sawyer and Kate shagging in a polar bear cage, aborted spinal surgery, and Jack telling Kate to "RUN!!!" Or something. I also refuse to go to those silly overbearing fansites to refresh my memory. They should have a ticker running along the bottom of the screen with character information, like "Locke is looking for Jack", and "Sayid is swimming back to shore with a shotgun and he is PISSED". Or maybe they could have a map inset showing where the characters are on the island, sort of like Grand Theft Auto 3. Throw me a bone, here.

This show has a lot of fans, enough so that there's even a college course based on it at Tufts University (I heard an interview of the students responsible and they don't sound all that bright, but the syllabus is pretty good). However, the ratings have slipped, and this hiatus may have whittled it down to a mere cult following. All I know is that this episode can't possibly live up to the buildup over the past 3 months, and it might lose some viewers for good.

Anyway, since you didn't ask for it, here's my overall theory on LOST:

* During WWII, the island was discovered as the source of a large natural electromagnetic pulse. This power would reek havoc with compasses, and gave strange healing powers to everyone exposed to it. Eager to harness its energy, testing laboratories were soon set up on it and scientists sent there to study it. Various animals were brought in and psychological testing was done on humans, to ascertain its power.

* The DHARMA Initiative, funded by the HANSO Foundation, provided supplies for scientists to live full time on the island. It was found out that although the island had powers to heal the sick and give prognosticative powers to some, the scientists who tried to have children were rendered sterile.

* Ben, who said "he's lived there his whole life", is the second generation of the island's first inhabitants, one of the children of the original scientists.

* Juliet is a bitch and I didn't like her from day 1. Jack, don't listen to her, you dummy!

* Kate is in cahoots with "The Others", since everytime she's asked, "What did they do to you?" she refuses to answer.

Oh screw it, I'm tired. Here's a picture of Evangeline Lilly (Kate).