WAR OF THE WORDS

"Do you know how I know you're gay? You bought a spa ball." That's right, I bought one and it's AWESOME, and only a little gay. You can laugh all you want, but I'm in pursuit of a sexy core. Is that too much to ask? Actually, I believe that's one our unalienable rights, right after "life" and "liberty". "Sexy core" might even be in the Bible but don't quote me on that.

Speaking of the Bill of Rights, people who hate freedom of speech have decided to declare a symbolic moratorium on the use of 'N' word. What word is that? Nuptial? Negligee? Necromancer? No, it's "nigger", in case you haven't guessed (thanks for the shitstorm, Kramer!). What's even more absurd is that it's even been "banned" at the Laugh Factory in New York. A comedy club banning words. Now THAT'S a joke, and not a funny one.

Back in the day, the 'F' word used to be "fuck", but now it's apparently also "faggot". Now if someone says, "You shouldn't use the 'F' word", how the f*** do I know what you're talking about, you f*****? In related news, a theater somewhere in Bumfuck, USA who is hosting "The Vagina Monologues" has changed their marquee to read "The Hoohaa Monologues". Let me just clue you in on something: everyone knows that slang terms like this probably shouldn't be used among strangers, and that there can be consquences if you do. Too many people blame popular culture, or hide behind their supposedly anonymous Internet usernames, instead of using simple common sense. So now we have to be told by lawyers and politicians about how to act in public. Fantastic.

Maybe it's me, but I'm not really offended by anything. I'm sometimes disgusted, nauseated, annoyed, or perturbed, but I've never been up-in-arms angry about anything. I don't know, maybe growing up with MAD magazine, violent video games, and Howard Stern will do that to a person; nothing surprises or shocks me anymore. I just can't understand why people are so uptight about these completely innocuous things. But once we start making it illegal to use certain words, we are doomed as a society. Doomed!