BASEBALL GAMES IN THE FUTURE WILL TAKE TWICE AS LONG

The Yankees/Mets played at Shea Stadium (good riddance!) for the final time this weekend, but the most compelling matchup was between their local A affiliates last week.

Pat Venditte of the Staten Island Yankees is an ambidextrous "switch pitcher" who can throw 90 MPH with either arm, and has a special 6 fingered glove. Brooklyn Cyclones Ralph Henriquez is a switch hitter. Watch as the hilarity ensues!



I always wondered if this would ever happen. What is the rule here? I always thought the batter had to choose first, and the pitcher could do whatever he wanted; only if they change pitchers could the batter choose another side of the plate to swing from.

JAROMIR JAGR aka "MR. ASSHOLE HAIR"

I was just reading about "mullets" on Wikipedia (don't ask) and at the bottom of the wiki they have the name of the mullet in different languages/countries.

Guam: chad haircut (basically "white trash hair")
Denmark: Bundesliga-hår (German soccer hair)
Finland: tsekkitukka ("ice hockey hair" or "Czech hair" thanks to the aforementioned Jagr)
Korea: MacGyver style
Sweden: hockeyfrilla (my favorite)
Czech Republic: čolek, deka, na debila ("newt", "quilt", "asshole-style" respectively.)

Don't you feel more educated?

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: ANNIE LENNOX FOR THE WEEKEND

I had never seen this version of Hallelujah sung by Annie Lennox until a few hours ago on TV.

It's probably been said before, but that chick's got some lungs on her:



Sorry for the fucked up aspect ratio. The sound is better on this one than on the only other one on the Youtubes.

[Annie Lennox Hallelujah on Taratata Oct. 2007]

NHL GOALS OF THE YEAR (2007-08)

Now that it's all over but the crying and Stanley Cup posing for random photos, here are the Top 10 Goals of the Year for the 2007-08 season, according to some dumb French-Canadians RDS.



While we here at Open Hockey blog agree with Rick Nash at #1 (as well as the other one he got in the top 4) and #2 by Toews, this list is really screwed up in that they include 2 goals at some positions. For instance, they show Andrei Kostitsyn scoring in two different games at #3, and the Ducks get two at #8, and for nice passing plays, not great goals. So this Top 10 has a total of 12 goals--you get 2 for free! Still, overall it's a good highlight reel. However, I would remove the Ducks' passing clinic and add this one.

Johnny Oduya goes end-to-end (9 Feb 2008 vs. CAR):



And yes, this is going to appear Devilcentric, but how about this knocked outta mid-air Gionta shorty (no pun intended, Bri)?

Brian Gionta (vs. PIT):



Honorable mention:
Zetterberg vs. COL, Game 5 on 1 May 2008
Andrei Kostitsyn vs. PHI, 17 Feb 2008

HOW FRANCE SEES THE USA

I've been looking for train tickets for my parent's this summer and I've past through the TGV international page a few times, but never paid much attention until just now, when I realized that they represent France (and W. Europe) as bigger areas than the USA. I understand that they have a limited space, but come on, is anyone going to argue that some digital artist or French manager didn't do this on purpose to spite the US?

MORE HATE: LASER PRINTING YOUR OWN MONEY

The way I see it, this is the only way to make buying new toner for a personal laser printer worthwhile.

Ok, let's take a step back. I'm looking to buy a color laser printer because my Oh Brother Inkjet takes 2 hours to print anything that's bigger than a monochrome Word file and I'm just sick of it. Entry-level color lasers cost around €150 right now. With that you get four toner cartridges (CYMB) that should last for something like 1,000 pages depending on your usage, then you need to buy more toner! I've been pricing this a bit and many consumer brands (Epson, Canon) price the four cartridges of toner at a little less than the printer itself (maybe 10% below the cost). Today I got a brochure from Dell and figured I'd check it out. The printer with 4 cartridges is €169. Replacement cartridges (normal capacity) €33 Black, €49 each CYM! So a little math tells us...€180. Hmm. Here's the thing, when it's more economical to throw out the printer when the toner is done, something isn't working.

I know that they bundle and all that shit, but do they think that people are that stupid? It's fucking ridiculous that it costs more money to buy the fucking toner than it does to buy the printer that is bundled with the toner. I know, I know economies of scale...Fuck that, computer chips and plastic and metal that are used in the printer costs money too. If a computer company respects you this much about a printer, imagine how much they're going to respect you when you have a problem with your system ('of course we can fix your computer, it will only be 112% of your purchase cost'). I'm pretty happy, over all, with Dell, but come on Mikey....That's fucking stupid.

WHERE'S THE HATE?

Honestly, for a blog that proclaims to "hate you already" we've been pretty big pussies in terms of spewing that vitriol that we all love. Luckily there's a bunch of stuff that's been pissing me off lately.

1. I'd mention Apple and the i[gotscrewed]Phone Version "double their profits," but everyone knows where I stand on that and I'm so sick of them I don't even want to waste time it. Ok, just for old times sake: Fuck Apple.

2. Once again proving Vertullo's First Law of Humanity (everything goes to shit), Mozilla came out with Firefox Version S3ck this past week. Because I do have herd tendencies, I wanted to help Mozilla kick the living fuck out of Microsoft and get some Duff Guinness Book of World records for most downloads on crack (or something). Yeah, well it turns out V3 sucks the hairless balls of Bill Gates. They basically made Firefox exactly like IE7.Shit. The same shitty zoom (when you zoom you increase the entire page, not only the text size), the same fucking interface (FF2.x had a neat little green arrow that would allow you to load the page, they deleted that - fuckers) with the similar header "look." Plus since I DL'ed early many of my add-ons didn't work right. And of course (of course) once you update you're fucked beyond belief if you want to go back to the stable and easy V2.x. The dictionaries work for shit too. The old dictionaries actually "recognized" misspelled words. The new one, not so much (both in French and in English).

Yes yes, I know you're going to say that programmer "דּïř3dØg978" has come out with a "'fox 2.0" theme or some shit. I don't fucking care. If I have to work this hard to make something I used to like work correctly, someone fucked up. I also don't notice the decreased memory usage or the shortened loading times on gmail or other stuff. I'm almost (almost) tempted to give IE7.0 again.

Fuck them right in their pants.

3. GPS. I've always hated [for the most part] the idiots who stick those portable GPS units on their windshield (except for those people who have a top of the line Garmin system attached to the cracked windshield of a 25-year old beater that probably wouldn't make it 20 miles down the highway, I love them). I agree that GPS does have its uses, sometimes, but yesterday we had a car cut us off three times and I realized what the problem was. Pre-GPS you either had to a) Look at a map and determine where you wanted to go b) Ask someone's help or c) Wander around aimlessly until you ran out of gas or accidentally happened upon your destination.
If you choose options "a" or "b" your main focus would be finding the correct roads. To do that you would need to (and stick with me here now folks, many of these phrases are going to seem incredibly foreign to you) "Pay attention to the directional signs and street names" and "Watch the road." With a GPS the act of driving has become:
1. Drive at half the marked speed limit.
2. Listen for audio prompt from GPS.
3. Hit brakes and swerve (left or right, it doesn't really matter)
4. Look at GPS screen to "make sure" the computer meant "Right"
5. Start to turn left. Slam on brakes. Stop.
6. Reprogram GPS in the middle of the road. Accelerate.
7. Repeat as necessary

And I would say that there's a 90% chance they they were looking for the "Stadium" or the "Highway" both of which were marked by large, clearly indicated signs right in front of their fucking car. GPS is making good drivers bad and bad drivers worse, while dumbing down people who already thought that the sun rose in the South.

I truly truly think that a driver's license should be for 15 or 20 years, after which you had to repass the road test. It's easy for the state to ban drivers for drinking 2 beers (in France you're illegal above 0.05 BAC, which they claim is two 25cl bottles of beer - one pint) or driving 8 mph over the limit on an empty highway. I'm not going to be one of those idiots who say I drive better drunk, but I am sure that I drive better than a large majority of the drivers after a pint and a half of beer, which would make me illegal in France.

R.I.P. GEORGE CARLIN (1937 - 2008)

Groundbreaking comedian George Carlin died of heart failure yesterday at the age of 71.

Simply put, the guy was a comic genius. He was best known for his routine about the "Seven Dirty Words" that the FCC would not allow to be said on network TV and since this is a blog, I'll go ahead and say them: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

Here's his classic routine "Baseball vs. Football" from a 1990 HBO comedy special.



I grew up watching these HBO specials, and between those and his classic comedy albums of the 70s (see the "Classic Gold" compilation), the 80s (this "Carlin on Campus" MP3 is the best $0.99 you will ever spend) and through to the early 90s ("Jamming In New York" in 1992) he was the funniest comedian to peak during my lifetime. He got very bitter near the end, but don't we all? (And at least he stayed true to himself and didn't turn into an insufferable buffoon like Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams.)

George Carlin on Amazon MP3

HOCKEY IS GIANT DICK JOKE TO MIKE MYERS

I'll admit it: Mike Meyers is a funny guy given the right material, namely So I Married An Axe Murderer, and the first Austin Powers and Shrek movies, before their respective premises were beaten to death. He even had some truly funny moments on "Saturday Night Live", and to my surprise the Wayne's World skit translated into a pretty funny pair of movies (it also helped that I severely lowered my expectations).

However, the evil Canadian comedic actor has officially pissed me off with his latest movie, The Love Guru. He claims to love the good old sport of hockey, citing the Maple Leaves as his favourite [sic] team. This morning on XM Radio he even said he made this "comedy" as a tribute to his father, who died in 1991. Well, he sure has a hell of a way of professing his love.

This movie, based around the saving of Toronto's NHL franchise, looks completely terrible. Currently sporting an atrociously low Tomatometer rating most critics agree that it is a flaming pile of dung, preferably leftover from two elephants copulating at center ice. Yes, that is an actual joke that Myers thought was funny enough to include in this film.

Some choice quotes from various reviews (which really need to be compiled and put in the advertisements):

"[It] isn't really about spiritual well-being or hockey; it's about Myers' mistaken belief that the comedic possibilities of male genitalia are endless." [Scott Von Doviak, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1 star]

"Myers has made some funny movies, but this film could have been written on toilet walls by callow adolescents." [Roger Ebert, 1 star]

"Pop culture riffing, winking double entendres, scatalogical humor, and silly names aren't just the foremost weapons in Myers' comic arsenal, they're all he's got." [Nathan Rabin, Onion AV Club, Grade: D+]

"The Love Guru is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again." [NY Times]

Okay, we get it: this is a giant ball of suck. But couldn't he have picked any other sport besides the NHL to treat as a diaper for this shitfest? Maybe NASCAR, poker or billiards? No, he had to put in a hockey subplot which includes Justin Timberlake as a L.A. Kings goalie named "Jacque 'Le Coq' Grande". HA HA! I GET IT! HIS NAME IMPLIES THAT HE HAS A BIG PENIS! HA HA HA! Ugh.

Not only will this movie piss off hockey fans (in at least 5 ways according to Greg "Cock Daddy" "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski), but they wasted the talents of Stephen Colbert (who apparently isn't funny as a Hockey Night In Canada commentator) and Jessica Alba (who unfortunately isn't at all naked). Oh, and the SPOILER ALERT team from Toronto ends up winning the Stanley Cup. Just like the Bruce Almighty jinx placed upon Buffalo, this craptacular movie should ensure that won't happen for quite a while. I honestly think that the whole reason this movie was made, other than to steal money from gullible bored teenagers, was to get that photo of Verne Troyer dwarfed by the Cup.

(Photo by Lester Cohen © WireImage.com)

DRINKY DRINKY! HANSA PILS

As summer is [finally - at least in France] starting, it's time once against to half-ass some beer and various beverage reviews for your summer consumption. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't been drinking, it's just that what I have been drinking hasn't been particularly blog-worthy: Pelforth, George Killian's Irish Red (which is completely different in Europe, our version hasn't been castrated by the Coors), Stella...average beers at best, but worse "supermarket beers." The way I figure it, if I can buy where they sell eggs and milk, it's not worth talking about.

I get to the beer store from time to time, but it's expensive and the selection isn't always great (although in their defense they do have 5 of 6 Belgium Trappist brands - will I ever get Westvleteren?) and it's out of the way. However, last week, with the Euro 2008 in high gear and France still having a chance at not totally sucking, we had a little Beer, Soccer & Pizza gathering. As this is France, normal "beer" would be some swill that August Busch IV wouldn't touch. So it falls on me, the only person in France (that I know) who cares about beer, to "take it up a notch": Direction V and B.

As previously mentioned, the beer's usually a bit pricey: around €2 per bottle (with certain Irish and British bottles going for over €3/each. This brings the [20 bottle] case price up to around €40. So I walk in and immediately see a big giant pile (stack if you prefer) of Hansa Pils for €16/case. Not having my handy list of "the best Deutsch beer" I figure what-the-fuck, for this price, I can't go wrong: Well, yes and no. First things, first: It's not terrible. It's not even as terrible as RateBeer (or the Beer Advocate) would have you believe, but it's not great either. Bitburger (the epitome of average German beer for me) gets a 2.9 on RateBeer. Hansa isn't worse than Bit is. Bit may be easier to drink, but Hansa is fine if you're looking for an easy-drinking brew on a hot day.

One of the criticisms on RB is that it has a tinny, thin head. Well, the trick is not to pour it like a beer, but instead pour the last 1/3 like soda - straight down into the glass...Then you get a beautiful (if extremely temporary) fluffy white head. Beyond that, the taste is quite dry and just a tad sour. The mouthfeel is...Ok, I still don't know what that means, but I still love the word. All in all a great deal at 80 cent a bottle, but it would be a horrible deal at twice that.

I'm going to try to be a better client of the beer store and spend more time writing Drinky Drinky columns. I urge the other contributors of this blog to as well. The single most important factor to our readers (beyond the cynicism, hate and women without pants) is alcohol reviews.

2008 U.S. OPEN RECAP: THE TIGER SHOW

What can I say about Tiger Freaking Woods that hasn't already been said?

He won his 14th major tournament yesterday, the U.S. Open at Torrey Pines, in case you hadn't heard. It took 19 extra playoff holes, probably due to his knee injury which was visibly bothering him all weekend. I'm not going to bother regurgitating all of the highlights from the weekend, but he showed flashes of brilliance and between all the limping and grimacing, finally outlasting an eternally upbeat Rocco Mediate to win it. It also reminded me that the golf I play and the golf he plays are completely different sports.

The worst thing about this "classic" tournament finish is that virtually nobody saw it, as it was on at 12 noon Eastern, leaving us working stiffs to follow along on various live blogs (all of which crashed due to overloaded servers). I don't know why they would schedule smack dab in the middle of a workday, but it's probably a USGA rule. Even more disconcerting was that the 18 hole playoff broadcast started on ESPN (the first 8 holes) and ended on NBC (2 PM).

Overall, I'm going to have to say "boo" to NBC/ESPN for their tag team coverage of the event. I really don't understand why ESPN had to have the early coverage on Thursday and Friday, and NBC the Saturday/Sunday broadcasts. ESPN's coverage was even more Tiger-and-Phil-centric than I could have imagined, coming to a head on the par 3 8th. After Phil one-upped Tiger by hitting his tee shot inside his, they cut to commercial and missed Adam Scott's near hole-in-one which clanged off the pin. Classic ESPN jackassery!

When NBC got their hands on the tournament, it didn't get any better. Once FIGJAM! had stumbled out of the picture with a quadruple bogey on Saturday, NBC cranked up the Tiger Hype to ridiculous proportions, bringing in Bob Costas and Jimmy Roberts to contribute to the endless hyperbole. It got so insane that at the beginning of Sunday's telecast you would have thought Tiger was the only one on the course. Even my Dad, who normally isn't bothered by that stuff, said "I like him, but this isn't the Tiger Show." (It seems like the complaining I've done has finally sunk in.)

But in the end, it ended up being the Tiger Show after all. The guy is amazing, there's no other way to put it.

(More importantly, what can be said about my blognostication that he'd win it? I know, I truly went out on a limb. However, I also said that Lee Westwood would be a contender, and he was up until the final hole on Sunday. Yes, that was sheer luck. I also said Jerry Kelly and FIGJAM! would play well, and they both stunk out loud.)

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

SOCCER WE CAN ALL GET BEHIND

The Euro 2008, with its thrilling zero-zero games and diving pansies, is in full-swing. I've watched a bunch of matches, more out of love-of-sport then out of love-of-footie. The Dutch team is crazy good this year and are actually fun to watch. They beat the bejesus out of the Italians (3-0) and the French (4-1) last week and I'll be looking for them to go all the way. The Turks played what was probably the match of the tournament so far, needing a win, they were down 2-0 with 15 minutes remaining against the Czech Republic and the formidable Petr Čech. At 75 minutes they scored to make it 2-1, at 87 minutes they scored to make it 2-2 and on their ensuing possession captain Nihat Kahveci buried a 40-meter shot to give the dark-horse Turks a spot in the Quarters.

That's all well and good, but that is not the reason for this post. A much much more important match was played in Vienna on Sunday. The Austria Topless Women's team spanked the German Topless Women's team 10-5 in beach soccer (SFW link, for NSFW photos click here). If WWL showed this, many many more American [men] would probably watch soccer.




















Sydney Morning Herald (SFW) and Stuff NZ (NSFW photos)

[Update: NSFW videos are available at Euro2008unleased]

MORE END OF DAYS...THE SUN MAKES SENSE

I agree with The Sun about as much as I agree with the NY Post, which is to say once every three to four years. These papers are quite similar, which is normal because Rupert Murdoch's dirty little hands control both and, as such, their editorial staff's have similar worldviews. There is of course one big difference: NY Post does not have Page 3 (NSFW).

The Sun is quite eurosceptic and likes to point out all of the problems with Europe, etc. They were some of the biggest cheerleaders of the recent Irish "no" vote on the Treaty of Lisbon. I'm not going to get into the history of EU treaties and whatnot (you can read about it on Wikipedia if you want), but basically what recently happened is French and Dutch voters rejected the "European Constitution" via referendum (at least that was democratic). The politicians then got together, slapped some whiteout on "European Constitution" and used their handy Sharpies to write "Treaty of Lisbon." Then they send this back to the governments for ratification. Most of the "democracies" decided not to take any chances of "participation" and submitted this pig-lipstick Constitution to their parliaments for ratification, except those crazy Irish, who decided that they would let their citizens decide. "No" is what was decided and now Euroticians from Athens to Stockholm are calling the Irish drunk, ungrateful bastards who should still be living a subsistence life of Guinness and potatoes.

Ireland has been helped enormously by the EU, but being the poster children for EU subsidies doesn't mean that they need to fall in line behind the Eurozombies.

I don't know how I feel about the EU being governed more and more centrally. The federation that is the United States seems to work okay most of the time. I don't think that North Dakota or Alabama or even California really wants to go it alone, but I do know that if it's going to work it has to be democratic. Fuck, the EU Constitution Treaty of Lisbon establishes a permanent Europe Council President. This president would preside for 2.5 years and would be elected in a very democratic way: a qualified majority among the members of the body. "The Body" being the European Council, which has for members the heads-of-state of each of the EU countries, some of whom, such as Gordon Brown, are not directly elected by the population of their country. See how this could be viewed as slightly less than democratic?

Hooray to the Irish government for being the only country of the 27 members to honor democracy.

2008 U.S. OPEN PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

We're underway at Torrey Pines for the 108th US Open tournament.

There's been little to no buzz surrounding this event, and golf in general this year. More attention has been payed to the NHL Stanley Cup playoffs! (Think about THAT.) What little I've heard all have the word "Tiger" or "Phil" in the sentence--god, I'm so bored with mainstream media's coverage (and it's only going to get worse, with the Endlessly Self-Promoting Network covering this for the first two days). This is "Phil's home turf", where he feels most confident and where he'll get a nauseatingly embarrassing amount of adulation from the gallery. On the flipside, this is Tiger's first tournament after having knee surgery almost 2 months ago, and he's been rather playful/annoying in interviews leading up to it--which means he's ready. (As much as I'd like to be there, it will be a complete mess as 90% of the spectactors try to follow them around.)

Because of the world rankings, these two will be in the same group for the first two rounds, along with Adam "Great" Scott. I'm really just hoping for some awkward photos of these guys together (like the 2006 PGA).

The last filthy European to win was Tony Jacklin in 1970, and if Sergio 'Los Pantalones Feos' Garcia is their best chance this time around, it should stay that way.

Local flavor: 21 year old Michael Quagliano from White Plains, playing in his first US Open.
Best name: Derek "Fatso" Fathauer.

MY PICKS
IN THE HUNT: Lee Westwood, FIGJAM!
MY DARK HORSE: Jerry "Cheesehead" Kelly.
MY BLOGNOSTICATION: Tiger Woods. (I know, boring pick. But it turns out that he's very, very good.)

Regardless of who wins, this should be a fantastic tournament.



COURSE INFO
COURSE: Torrey Pines Golf Course (South Course)
LOCATION: La Jolla, CA
PAR: 35 - 36 - 71
YARDAGE: 7,643
DESIGN: William F. Bell and his son, William Bell, provided the original design, which opened in 1957. Rees Jones carried a redesign in 2002.
COURSE RATING: 79.7
SLOPE RATING: 153
USGA SET-UP: Fairway width varies from 24 to 33 yards. The intermediate rough running 6 feet on each side will be set to 1¾ inches. A 15-foot swath of primary rough will be kept to approximately 2¼ inches. The deepest rough will be grown to 3½ inches left and right of the landing areas. The greens will be set to run at 13 to 13½ feet on the Stimpmeter. The primary rough for 12 feet around the greens will be maintained at 3 inches. Beyond that, the rough will be grown to 4 inches.

Hole/Par/Yds
1/4/448
2/4/389
3/3/195
4/4/488
5/4/453
6/4/515
7/4/461
8/3/177
9/5/612
Front/35/3,738
10/4/414
11/3/221
12/4/504
13/5/614
14/4/435
15/4/478
16/3/225
17/4/441
18/5/573
Back/36/3,905

NOTABLE TEE TIMES (Starting hole/PDT):
(1st - 8:06) Adam Scott, Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods
(10th - 7:22) K. J. Choi, Jim Furyk, Steve Stricker
(1st - 12:52 Stewart Cink, Sergio Garcia, Vijay Singh
(1st - 1:47) Bubba Watson, J.B. Holmes, Brett Wetterich (the "overrated Americans" group)

ODDS
11/4 Woods
6/1 FIGJAM!
20/1 Paddy "Whiskey" Harrington
20/1 Sergio "Los Pantalones Feos" Garcia
25/1 Ernie "The Kaiser" Els, Donald
33/1 V-GER, Rose, Ogilvy
35/1 Jim "Hitch" Furyk, Stewart "Kitchen" Cink
40/1 Immelman
45/1 Scott
50/1 Karlsson, Goosen, Weir
66/1 J. Leonard
80/1 Westwood
100/1 Casey
125/1 Poulter, Montgomerie, Jimenez

TV SCHEDULE
This is baffling: ESPN has it early and late on the first two days, with NBC showing it in the middle? What, was there an important NCAA women's softball game or poker tournament they have to show? The Hell?

Thursday, June 12
1 - 3 p.m. ET on ESPN
3 - 5 p.m. ET on NBC
5 - 10 p.m. ET on ESPN
Friday, June 13
1 - 3 p.m. ET on ESPN
3 - 5 p.m. ET on NBC
5 - 10 p.m. ET on ESPN
Saturday, June 14
4 - 10 p.m. ET on NBC
Sunday, June 15
3 - 9 p.m. ET on NBC

WEATHER
Thursday: Partly Cloudy 68°F | 59°F
Friday: Partly Cloudy 74°F | 61°F
Saturday: Partly Cloudy 76°F | 59°F
Sunday: Partly Cloudy 74°F | 59°F

(Gotta love San Diego weather.)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: THE iPHONE, IS THAT THING STILL AROUND?

I've been trying to ignore the "Hand" Jobs love-in this week (you'd think that Handie invented the 3G network right after he got done saving the world's children from hunger). But I guess I can post a little satire (since you'll rarely see me post anything positive about the real Apple).
It's actually not that I hate Apple (or Handie for that matter), I hate the verbal fellating that he gets every time he farts and I hate the fact that Apple can do no wrong in the eyes of the fan-boy (which seems to account for 93% of all bloggers and an awful lot of poseurs who always whip out their iPhone to ostensibly check the weather or some bullshit).

Anyway, without further ado, the real reason you need an iPhone 3G (moderately NSFW, unless your boss is on "big sausage pizza dot com" right now.)

TRIBUTE TO SUE SIMMONS

Sue Simmons has been on WNBC News 4 New York since I was 10 (and she's on right now as I look at the screen).

This interview with The Clash from 1982 on the "Live At Five" program she once hosted is pretty damn funny due to its awkwardness, but she holds it together fairly well.



Recently, she dropped an F-bomb while reading a teaser for the upcoming 11:00 news, and wow, it's a doozy. In fact, it's more punk than anything The Clash said in that studio.

[NSFW, duh]



Awesome.

THANK YOU, STRAHAN!

After 15 years in the NFL, Giants DE Michael Strahan is calling it a career. After 7 Pro Bowls, 2 season sack titles and several playoff near-misses (including a Super Bowl loss to the Ravens in 2000), one wondered if he'd ever get the chance to win a Super Bowl.

This February the speculation ended as the Giants beat the previously undefeated Patriots in SB XLII.



2007 NEW YORK GIANTS - SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS!

(Nope. That will never get old.)

Here's the final tackle of his career: naturally, it was a sack, and it was a huge one.



Strahan exemplified everything that the phrase "Giants D" has come to represent. He was a fantastic player and team leader, and it's great that he gets to go out on top.

STRAHAN!!!!!!

WRIST SHOTS: FINAL THOUGHTS

This is my final collection of blogified thoughts on the end of the 2007-08 NHL season. Enjoy.

The Penguins scored their final goal of the season in the closing minutes of Game 6 on a 'light hooking' (as CBC put it) penalty to make it a close game. If the Pens had managed to tie it up and win in OT, you just KNOW that the conspiracy theorists would have had a field day. Again, the NHL and Bettman are not smart enough to "fix" the outcome of four consecutive 7 game series.

Dan Cleary became the 1st Newfoundlander to hoist the Cup. It's about time! What took you guys so long? What else is there to do up there except skate and eat back bacon? This article interviewed his old junior coach, Dick Power. No, I had nothing interesting to add, I just wanted to say "Dick Power".

FUN FACT: Did you know that the Devils were the first team to give each individual player their own personal time to skate with the Cup? This was their way of stating that the team is more important than the individual, which was certainly true of that 1995 team. Additionally, during that same postseason Devils fans also invented the "Let's Boo Gary Bettman At The Arena", when the NHL boneheadedly announced to possible relocation of the team to Nashville, a microcosm of this regime's cluelessness and utter disregard for the fans.

On that note, I noticed that the PA announcer didn't even announce Bettman's name before he handed out the hardware and he quickly went into his speech, most likely to ward off the inevitable chorus of boos. Once he relinquished his icy grip on the Cup (why does he have to touch it creepily?) and handed it over to the Wings, we got to witness the most boring Cup celebration I've ever seen. I'm not saying they should be disturbingly orgasmic like Messier in 1994, but could someone show some emotion? You're on national TV! Only Dallas Drake looked excited to be hoisting it, probably because this is the first time he could do so in his 16 years in the NHL. This whole team is boring, but luckily for them personality doesn't win championships. Just ask Niklas Lidstrom, who was the first European captain to win th . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

(While we're at it, the New York Giants invented the Gatorade bath after a big victory. Say what you want, but a lot has happened in that Jersey Swamp.)

The ratings were great for this Penguins/Red Wings series, and I'm not that surprised since these are two strong hockey markets. Game 5's OT marathon were the highest since the final game before the lockout (Carolina's Cup clinching game), and last night matched the 2003 finals, which was (not coincidentally) the last matchup between two U.S. teams. I'm not that surprised since these are two strong hockey markets, and NBC committed to showing the games in prime time without interruption. But the fact that the sport is JUST NOW getting back to the pre-lockout numbers from 3 years ago makes these latest numbers not that big a deal to me.

Tiger Woods was being a bit dickish when he said "no one watches hockey anymore". Well, no one watches golf when you're not in the field, smart arse! That being said, I'm looking forward to him winning the US Open at Torrey Pines next weekend.

I question the complaints about Detroit having a hard time selling out playoff games because of "the economy". So does this mean the economy is booming in Pittsburgh? What about Buffalo, where they sell out every home game? No, those cities aren't exactly rolling in money either; in fact, these cities are the top 3 declining markets in the nation. I think it means there are better hockey fans in those cities (who also have nothing better to do with their free time and money).

Thanks to Greg "Puck Daddy" Wyshynski and the crew over at Yahoo! for their fantastically funny live blogs during the finals. Puck Daddy had the line of the night (while he can no longer curse over at the Exclamation Point, he can still bust out a cancer joke), but the most shocking revelation was that someone in Indonesia checked in who couldn't watch the game and was listening on NHL Radio. It (thankfully) made me forget about the juvenile taunts and Cindy Crosby jokes that were coming every 15 seconds. Technology is pretty amazing when you stop and think about it.

While I was obviously rooting for a Game 7 on Saturday night, I would have been blind drunk by then and may not have been able to fully appreciate it.

Congratulations to the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings, and also to the Penguins for a great season (unfortunately for fans of the other teams in their division like me, I think this team is going to be a contender for a while).


(Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images)

MORE BRILLIANCE BY THE HENCHMEN OF BETTMAN

This morning I awoke to an email from the NHL saying "Will Detroit Clinch the Cup Tonight?" I didn't really think much of it, until I happened to look at the time-stamp: 4:11am Central European Time or 10:11pm EST.

They already insulted half the fans in the league with the "Your team sucks, buy a jersey" email and now they want to remind me to watch he about the same time as it's over? Granted, the game didn't end until what, about 11pm EST? but come-fucking-on. You're trying to incite people to watch your sport and you send the "reminder" out after the game is 2/3 over?

Fuck you Gary. This video sounds like it was taken underwater (PSA: please don't' record live telecasts in the bathtub, you could shock yourself or worse ruin your plasma screen) so I can't tell if the Pittsburgh fans are booing or boo-urnsing, but Bettman (known officially now as the "neckless devil-boy") should be booed early and often.



And sorry Pens fans, you guys just weren't that good. But I'm assuming that were looking at the beginning of a dynasty here, if they can manage to keep Sidney Christ, Bloomin' Marc and the Russian Bride on the team, things look dim for the Sabres to make it to the Finals for the next 10-15 years.

2007-08 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS: DETROIT RED WINGS

The Sidsburgh Penguins put up a good fight (even scoring a late PP goal, and nearly tying it with time running out), but they finally lost to a talented Red Wings team in Game 6, 3-2.

This is the Wings' 4th Cup in 11 years, as Niklas Lidstrom became the first European-born captain to win it. This was an enjoyable series with two very worthy teams fighting for the championship. And while I'm sad hockey season is over, I'm also glad I don't have to hear the words "Bettman", "goalie interference", and "obstruction" until October.

Here's Conn Smythe winner Henrik Zetterberg (and some little schmuck) and the Stanley Cup.



(Man, that thing sure looks pretty in HD.)

In one of the weirdest and funniest plays I've ever seen, the eventual game winning goal went in off of MAF's ass, as he attempted to sit on the live puck.



ASSGOAL!

Congratulations Detroit!


(Again, if you trusted my blognostication, shame on you.)

(Photos by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images, AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

RANDOM YOUTUBERY: STUFF YOUR GAPING MAW

The Onion does it again with this "report" on Yum! Brands new "Feedbag" for people who don't "feel like moving their arms" when eating fast food. Additional benefits: No need to chew or breathe while eating.


New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less



"Hot steamy food, in your face right now"

"For an additional 50 cents, they'll, ya'know, throw the soda right in there. You don't need to keep sucking it through the straw"

WRIST SHOTS: THERE WILL BE A GAME SIX

SYKO!

At 12:47 A.M. EDT Petr Sykora scored to finally finish off Game 5, 4-3. Apparently, he called his winning goal before the game 3rd overtime period. Who does he think he is, Messier?

After blowing a 2-0 goal lead early in the 3rd, the Penguins got a game-tying tally from "Mad" Maxime Talbot with :35 left with the goalie pulled. After the Wings took a 3-2 early in the 3rd and clamped down on D, I was so sure they were going to win this one that I took two Tylenol PM with 5 minutes to go. After 2 OT, I almost made a pot of coffee to keep me awake.

The 1st OT was all Wings (13-2 SOG), the 2nd OT was dominated by the Pens, and the 3rd ended 10:03 in, on a PP goal after a Hudler high stick double minor.

Bloomin' Marc made 55 of 58 saves for the win.

What a fantastic game. So the hockey season will continue for at least one more night (Game 6 is tomorrow night).

Great work by the Puck Daddy crew over at the Yahoo! Live Blog, who kept me laughing the whole time. The user comments who are "conspiracy theorists" crack me up, who simultaneously insist that the penalty calls prove that the NHL "wants the Penguins to win" and that "Bettman is an idiot". First of all, how can both of those statements be true? Secondly, you're giving the league way too much credit. Anyway, I wish this LIVE BLOGGING stuff was around during the 2003 Stars/Devils series, to keep me sane during those long OT games.

(Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)