THINGS I LIKE: DONNYBROOKS!

I only heard about this (while watching the decidedly more sedate Devils @ Rangers game), this is the first clip I've seen. Last night, the Senators visited the Sabres and they ended up getting into a brawl (the 6-5 shootout win by the Sabres was an afterthought). Here's a clip (thanks to hockeyfights.com):



I'm not a big fan of hockey fights, but you have to love it when the goalies get into it. I was really hoping Lindy Ruff was going to get into fisticuffs with Sens coach Bryan Murray, who was pissed that he sent out his goons. This whole thing started because Chris Drury, who has a history of concussions, was hit pretty late, which you never like to see. The Sabres have so many injuries right now (something like 6 starters out), so this can't be good.

But yes, these teams genuinely dislike each other.

Here's some Bfloblog recaps. And here's the penalty summary:

05:13 OTT Chris Phillips penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Patrick Kaleta penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 OTT Anton Volchenkov penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Martin Biron penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Martin Biron penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Martin Biron penalty Goalie leaving crease. - 2 min.
05:13 BUF Adam Mair penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Adam Mair penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Adam Mair penalty Instigator - 2 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Instigator - 2 min.
05:13 BUF Andrew Peters penalty Roughing - 2 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Game Misconduct - 10 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Goalie leaving crease. - 2 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Fighting - 5 min.
05:13 OTT Ray Emery penalty Fighting - 5 min.

APROPOS OF NOTHING

I decided to post some random stuff today, just because I can.

• I don't pay attention to gossip nonsense. In fact, I can't fucking stand it and wish the gossip "industry" would go away. So anyway, I guess Howard Stern announced he was marrying Anna Nicole, but she died in a head shaving accident, or something?

• While driving around the picturesque "Loop" at Newark Liberty International Airport on Friday night waiting for Kris to arrive, I wondered why the FAA code for this lovely airport is EWR. Why not something starting with N? Then I read this article, and it explains it all, and more. (The first letter 'N' was nabbed by the Navy, so all cities with that letter had to get creative.)

• For some reason, two crappy coaches landed NFL jobs this month: Wade Phillips with Dallas (lifetime 48-39 as head coach, 0-3 in playoffs), and Norv Turner with San Diego (58-82-1, 1-1). After we just had two black coaches in the Super Bowl, was this just a knee-jerk reaction by GMs to hire more old, useless, lilly-white coaches? Because it couldn't be playoff success or a winning records that prompted these hirings.

• I used to shop at Stew Leonard's all the time when I lived in Danbury, CT. I went there the other day, and I couldn't believe how expensive most things were. And as always, most things you have to buy multiple units of just to get a discount. Was it always that much? Was I just lured there because of their singing milk cartons?

• XM and Sirius are talking about merging into one huge super satellite radio monolith. Of course, this means the Delphi radio I just bought in December (and the one I got for my sister) will be obsolete by the end of the year, or at least no longer as useful. Fantastic! Of course, any increases in programming choices will be offset by the fact that this will be a monopoly, and without competition they can charge whatever they want. What happened to anti-trust laws? Are they just a 20th century relic?

• Hudson House in Nyack, where we ate on Saturday, is fantastic. I can't recommend it enough. Plus, they treat us like we're regulars. I wish I could afford to go there more than once or twice a year.

• I've got news for the Democrats: middle America is not voting for a woman President, nor are they voting for a black man named "Barack Hussein Obama". (I've even been getting the mass forwarded emails that say "He's trying to hide the fact that he was raised a Muslim, let us all be alert"--cripes.) Everyone in the liberal cities and the media thinks these are fantastic candidates, that we're all enlightened, that we've come a long way in terms of racial and sexual prejudices--I call bullshit. These are novelty candidates, and quite possibly will divide the country even further, if that's possible. The Dems are going to blow this opportunity if they don't put an electable man out there. Edwards? Biden? Kucinich? Are you kidding? Never mind, they don't have one. Before long, the Republicans will start using that Grammy® Award winning song for 2008: This is ouuuuuuuuuuuur country! (BTW, I've lived in NY for 6 years and I still don't know one person who has voted for Senator Hillary.)

• I used to shop at Stew Leonard's all the time when I lived in Danbury, CT. I went there the other day, and I couldn't believe how expensive most things were. And as always, most things you have to buy multiple units of just to get a discount. Was it always that much? Was I just lured there because of their singing milk cartons?

• Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson looked like he had Winged-Foot-In-Mouth disease once again. Charles Howell III put some pressure on him late in the fourth round of the Nissan Open and he disintegrated like a muffin in the rain, losing on the 3rd playoff hole. Howell now has 4096520987 FedEx Cup points, or something.

• Instead of trying to find a way to score goals against the Devils last night, the Rangers decided to send Avery out there to interfere with Brodeur, to bump him and antagonize him the whole night. Guess what? They still lost 2-1. Way to go, guys. My blognostication: The Rangers are DONE. (Oh, the Parise goal to win the game was beautiful.)

• Worst movie that I've seen lately: The Benchwarmers. Even though I only watched 15 minutes of it, what I saw was incredibly, painfully, AGRESSIVELY unfunny. Who thought a movie with the star talent of David Spade, Rob Schneider, Jon Lovitz, Reggie Jackson, and Craig Kilborn could be so stupid? This is the quintessential scene: the aformentioned Mr. October is hired to train them to play baseball, and to increase their speed he has them "ring doorbells and run away" (of course). The character played by Jon Heder (who will never top Napoleon Dynamite) is so stupid that he doesn't run away, and instead jumps into a bush. The homeowner comes out screaming his head off (which is what I automatically do, regardless of who is at the door), but doesn't realize the jokester is in the bushes . . . until he farts and gives himself away. This is comedy at its finest, people.

• Rocky Balboa on steroids? Yeah, that about sums up sports right now.

BLIZZARD 007: LICENSE TO CHILL!

This massive snowstorm didn't quite pan out the way they thought it would. As of now, we have about 1" of ice pellets on the ground. Oh joy.

This is what I have to say to this stupid storm:

BORN ON THE 14TH OF FEBRUARY

It's a blessing and a curse to be born on Valentine's Day. If you don't have a valentine (like me), you can still celebrate your birthday, and also devour chocolate without a disapproving look. If you DO have a valentine, it's a double whammy because if she's worth her salt she'll get you two presents. And you can't go to dinner by yourself on Valentine's Day, because that's just sad, but you CAN drink your face off, which is good. Still, I can't tell you how many people point out the "holiday" to me when I tell them I was born on February 14th, as if I didn't know.

Here are a few notable people who were also born today February 14th.

Born in 1970 - same year as me:
Simon Pegg, writer/star of Shaun of the Dead. I still have yet to see this movie, but I hear it's funny.

Music: Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 (1972), Tim "Jeff's Dad Who Also Died Young" Buckley (1946). Yikes.

Sports: Jim Kelly (1960), Drew Bledsoe (1972) and Steve McNair (1973). I'm noticing a trend here: guys who are good players but can't win the big game. Hokcey players include NHL defenseman Richard Smehlik (1972) and Bernie 'Boom Boom' Geoffrion (1931).

Politics: current mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg (1942).

Entertainers: Florence Henderson (1934), Gregory Hines (1946), and Pat O'Brien (1948). Maybe Pat and I can get coked up and get some whores this weekend--unless he's still in rehab. The funniest guy on the list is Jackie 'The Jokeman' Martling (1948). Oh dear god.

And finally, Jimmy Hoffa turns 93 today. Happy Birthday, Jimmy! I hope you make it to 100.

I know my Feb 14th will be enjoyable, because I'm not going to be at work. Have a great one.

SNOW JOKE

I was going on my daily "wog" the other night, and goddammit it's been cold lately. Ever since that dumb Western Pennsylvanian rat didn't see his shadow and declared we'd have an early spring, it THE TEMPERATURE HASN'T BEEN ABOVE FREEZING. We might as well be on the ice planet Hoth, for cripes sake.

As I was walking and the frigid winter breeze was cutting through my skull like an icy dagger, I was wondering what the warmest hat would be: 1) an animal fur hat (preferably not rat), 2) a fleece ski cap, 3) one of those postal worker hats with the ear flaps. I don't know, but I'm going to have to go with the ratless hat. I'm not a big fan myself, but what's the big deal about fur coats? If the animal dies of natural causes, or gets hit by a truck, is it then okay to use the fur? (By the way, if you buy a coat that contains "faux fur" there's a chance that it's made with dog hair, possibly from losing Puppy Bowl contestants. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

In my opinion, all this cold weather isn't worth it unless there's some snow, and it looks as if it might come soon (maybe for my birthday). The people of Oswego County, NY, right along the eastern shore of Lake Ontario, don't want to hear the four letter "s" word: some towns got OVER 100" this week. And an area of Russia got ORANGE snow last week. So just 6-12" of the white stuff is not that bad after all.

WRIST SHOTS

It's that time of year, when football is over, baseball hasn't started yet, when HOCKEY takes center stage! Eh, who am I kidding? Here's what I've got.

• I might mention it too much, but after watching Marty's 10th shutout last night I have to announce that he's pretty good. He's having a tremendous year, even by his standards. Okay, I'm done.

• The perception out there is that Sidney Crosby is a crybaby, to the point that he's even been booed in the hockey mecca of Montreal. Fans think he and the coaching staff are complaining about opponents taking shots at him because he wants superstar treatment, but he's got a point. The fact is that he's hockey's Golden Boy and the league's highest scoring player, so he's naturally going to be a swiftly skating target. He's also more of a finesse player, unlike Ovechkin who is a bull-in-the-china-shop who can also dole out hits (some of them questionable). Perhaps he could use some protection out there, just like Gretzky had (what's Todd Bertuzzi up to?), but that's up to the GM who can't even get a stadium deal in his own city. Yeah, I hate to say this but maybe there is a place for enforcers in the league. But despite the fact that a record number of penalties are being called, I think a backlash is inevitable and games are going to start getting more chippy. The fact is that they can't call everything, and it might reach a breaking point and all hell breaks loose (or not, what do I know?). Regardless, great job embracing the best player to come around in a decade, hockey fans!

• Sabres fans are very loyal and emotional lot, and occasionally obnoxious when visiting other rinks. Kris "The Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo even thought the Madden goal against Ryan Miller that opened the flood gates in New Jersey's 3-2 win last week was akin to "cheating". Slow down there, Maestro. He never really had his glove on it, and you have to play to the whistle. Instead, Miller showed his inexperience by letting it bother him, and before you knew it the offensive juggernaut (not) that is the NJ Devils had 3 goals in 2:41. He's just a kid, but he has to learn to let it go and focus on the game.

• The Avs Karlis Skrastins is about to set the Iron Man record for defensemen by playing 487 consecutive games. That's amazing. I didn't realize that Tim "Bits" Horton held the previous record before being killed in a car accident.

• The Gary "Fucking" Bettman Death Watch has begun. His contract is up in 2008, so I think it's time to cut the cord and start fresh. Who would be a worthy successor? How about anyone who actually knows hockey? No, not some businessman from Texas. This is a pretty good evaluation of Bettman's Reign of Error as NHL commish. Overall, not good.

• I like John Buccigross, but the NHL DOES NOT NEED BIGGER NETS. Please stop saying this crap.

• It's interesting that Peter Forsberg's foot suddenly feels great and he's scoring again (8 points in his last 6 games), just in time to be traded to a Stanley Cup contender. He's complained all year about not being able to find a comfortable skate. Are you kidding? In the entire world, no one could custom make a skate that fit his ailing foot? What a joke. Hockey's toughest bastard, my ass!

• What happened to the New York Rangers? Are they who we thought they were? Was last year's playoff appearance just a fluke? They sputtered to the finish last year, and are struggling even earlier this time around. All I know is that it's going to take more than Avery and Krog to right the ship. Although they finally dumped KasperMINUS, which is a start.

• Ottawa is making a push for the playoffs, just in time to lose in the first round. Sabres: be very afraid if you meet Carolina in the first round.

• I had an ephiphury the other day: Chris Gratton, Todd Bertuzzi and Eddie Belfour are still in the NHL? They're on the Florida Panthers? Who knew? Is that where hockey players go to retire? Can we get rid of the Florida teams already? No one supports them, and I'm not buying this whole "Hockey Bay" nonsense in Tampa.

• When you comment on an article on ESPN, it directs you to ESPN Conversation (whatever the hell that is) which has a filter that automatically removes objectionable words, and replaces it with "####" in your post. All the obvious dirty words are censored, but it gets a little weird after that. For instance, an NBA player that no one has ever heard of announced he's gay, which would come up in a post as "Amaechi is ####". So what about former UConn player Rudy ####? What does #### Vitale have to say about it? Here's the funniest one: Ryan Fitzpatrick is edited to read "Ryan ####". Maybe it's because the word starts with "F" and ends in "CK"? It looks like Fitzpatrick is the new "F" word!

• I'll close with one of the stupidest "hockey related" things I've ever seen: Claude Lemieux on "Pros vs. Joes" on SPIKE. The idea of the show is that "regular guys" play against retired pro players, usually baseball or football players. This is the first time I've seen the contestants have to play hockey, if you can call it hockey. It's so far from the current NHL, it was disgusting. The idea was to skate from behind the goal, pick up one of the 5 pucks placed within the zone, and try to skate in on an empty net and score . . . with Lemieux in your way. Interesting idea. So what does he do on the first attempt? He hit the kid in the mouth with a highstick! And on the one goal he let up, he crosschecked the kid and knocked him down. I've got news for you: that's not hockey, despite the dorky announcer's claims, that's called a penalty. Yes, I rooted for Claude when he was a Devil, because he was such a clutch playoff performer. But I'd be the first to agree that on top of his tenacity and goal scoring talent, he was a dirty player and a complete asshole. Thankfully, the NHL didn't have anything to do with this asinine show.

UPDATE: I'm going to see the Devils play the D.C. Ovechkins on 2/24. This might be my last appearance at the Continental Breakfast Arena, so feel free to alert the media. I just thought of this, but the Devils might be the only team where you want to buy tickets on the side where Marty will be defending twice, and not on the side where they attack twice.

WAR OF THE WORDS

"Do you know how I know you're gay? You bought a spa ball." That's right, I bought one and it's AWESOME, and only a little gay. You can laugh all you want, but I'm in pursuit of a sexy core. Is that too much to ask? Actually, I believe that's one our unalienable rights, right after "life" and "liberty". "Sexy core" might even be in the Bible but don't quote me on that.

Speaking of the Bill of Rights, people who hate freedom of speech have decided to declare a symbolic moratorium on the use of 'N' word. What word is that? Nuptial? Negligee? Necromancer? No, it's "nigger", in case you haven't guessed (thanks for the shitstorm, Kramer!). What's even more absurd is that it's even been "banned" at the Laugh Factory in New York. A comedy club banning words. Now THAT'S a joke, and not a funny one.

Back in the day, the 'F' word used to be "fuck", but now it's apparently also "faggot". Now if someone says, "You shouldn't use the 'F' word", how the f*** do I know what you're talking about, you f*****? In related news, a theater somewhere in Bumfuck, USA who is hosting "The Vagina Monologues" has changed their marquee to read "The Hoohaa Monologues". Let me just clue you in on something: everyone knows that slang terms like this probably shouldn't be used among strangers, and that there can be consquences if you do. Too many people blame popular culture, or hide behind their supposedly anonymous Internet usernames, instead of using simple common sense. So now we have to be told by lawyers and politicians about how to act in public. Fantastic.

Maybe it's me, but I'm not really offended by anything. I'm sometimes disgusted, nauseated, annoyed, or perturbed, but I've never been up-in-arms angry about anything. I don't know, maybe growing up with MAD magazine, violent video games, and Howard Stern will do that to a person; nothing surprises or shocks me anymore. I just can't understand why people are so uptight about these completely innocuous things. But once we start making it illegal to use certain words, we are doomed as a society. Doomed!

LOST FOR GOOD?

I'm not a patient man.

Just ask anyone who has been in my car while stuck in traffic, or while trying to leave a parking lot after a hockey game. Or better yet, ask anyone who has been near me while trying to get a drink at a crowded bar (I'm 6'4", how can they not see me?!). So when ABC put their hit show LOST was on hiatus from early November until today, I thought I'd be done with it. This is the only show that routinely landed in the Top 10 for the network and I'm sure it makes a ton of money, and they had to split it into two pieces due to "production constraints"? I don't even know what that means. Is it because of all the cast members that party too hard on location in Hawaii? (I think there's been 2 DWIs and a house fire so far.)

LOST is a heavy serial show that demands your attention, because of all the plot points, details, and back story you have to absorb and remember. Personally, I can't recall a single thing about what happened in the previous "half-season". Something about Sawyer and Kate shagging in a polar bear cage, aborted spinal surgery, and Jack telling Kate to "RUN!!!" Or something. I also refuse to go to those silly overbearing fansites to refresh my memory. They should have a ticker running along the bottom of the screen with character information, like "Locke is looking for Jack", and "Sayid is swimming back to shore with a shotgun and he is PISSED". Or maybe they could have a map inset showing where the characters are on the island, sort of like Grand Theft Auto 3. Throw me a bone, here.

This show has a lot of fans, enough so that there's even a college course based on it at Tufts University (I heard an interview of the students responsible and they don't sound all that bright, but the syllabus is pretty good). However, the ratings have slipped, and this hiatus may have whittled it down to a mere cult following. All I know is that this episode can't possibly live up to the buildup over the past 3 months, and it might lose some viewers for good.

Anyway, since you didn't ask for it, here's my overall theory on LOST:

* During WWII, the island was discovered as the source of a large natural electromagnetic pulse. This power would reek havoc with compasses, and gave strange healing powers to everyone exposed to it. Eager to harness its energy, testing laboratories were soon set up on it and scientists sent there to study it. Various animals were brought in and psychological testing was done on humans, to ascertain its power.

* The DHARMA Initiative, funded by the HANSO Foundation, provided supplies for scientists to live full time on the island. It was found out that although the island had powers to heal the sick and give prognosticative powers to some, the scientists who tried to have children were rendered sterile.

* Ben, who said "he's lived there his whole life", is the second generation of the island's first inhabitants, one of the children of the original scientists.

* Juliet is a bitch and I didn't like her from day 1. Jack, don't listen to her, you dummy!

* Kate is in cahoots with "The Others", since everytime she's asked, "What did they do to you?" she refuses to answer.

Oh screw it, I'm tired. Here's a picture of Evangeline Lilly (Kate).

CHECK IT OUT, HIS HEAD IS BLEEDING! LITTLE WAYNE'S LEGS ARE SHAKING ALL OVER THE PLACE!

BIG GAME WRAPUP: WE WON'T GET JINXED AGAIN!

Overall, Big Game #41 was . . . pretty damn dull.

The first half was incredibly sloppy (5 lost fumbles and an interception, a missed Viniateri FG and a botched PAT), and although Chicago hung around they were outplayed and never felt like an offensive threat. It wasn't the worst game (Dallas beating Buffalo 52-17, and the Bucs blowing out the Raiders come to mind), but it certainly wasn't great.

Anyway, congrats, Indy! At least there's something to do in Chicago, so I don't feel so bad for them. And now we can stop talking about him now that the big game jinx has been lifted from Peyton 'Laser Rocket Arm' Manning. The monkey is off his back, but whose is it on now and who will get to spank it next? Personally, I feel just like I did when Elway finally won his first: complete apathy. Just a few notes:

I think I had more fun watching Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet. Puppies playing for three straight hours? A ref throwing a flag for urinating on the field? An all-kitten halftime show? The BOWL CAM? It's hard to beat. I voted for Bomber for MVP (Most Valuable Puppy), and it looks like he finished 1st, getting 34% of the over 1.5 million votes counted (I shit you not).

Billy Joel finished the National Anthem in 1:37. According to the increasingly ridiculous "prop bets", the over/under was 1:44. I'm guessing Billy bet the under.

I missed the opening kickoff return for TD, walking into Bruxelles mere seconds after it happened. I have an uncanny knack for missing those things. Not only was that the first time the opening kickoff was returned, but the 1st quarter featured the most turnovers (4, with 3 fumbles). Jim Nantz later said that Muhsim Muhammad was the first player to catch TD passes for two different SB teams, which we thought was bullshit. We were right: Jerry Rice did it for San Francisco (Super Bowl XXIII, XXIV and XXIX) and Oakland (XXXVII). So there.

I'll save you time: ALL THE COMMERCIALS SUCKED. Okay, there was one funny Bud Light commercial (featuring a couple picking up a guy with an axe just because he had beer), the rest were pretty horrible. Seriously, who thinks Carlos Mencia is funny? Hopefully, this is the end of an era and we can stop focusing on the commercials. (Hey, a guy can dream.)

The halftime show might have been the least disappointing part of the night. Despite the fact that most people thought he was dead, Prince sounded good and was better than expected. He even worked in covers of "All Along the Watchtower" and "Best of You" by Foo Fighters (apparently, he likes their cover of "Darling Nikki").

Speaking of halftime shows, this complete list of SB performers is great. I don't remember "Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye", whatever the hell that is; I must have blocked out that nightmare. But through the magic of YouTube, you can re-live the ever-so-frightening "Diet Coke Be-Bop Bamboozled in 3-D" from SB XXIII announced by a 12 year old Bob Costas.

Team President Bill Polian thanked God for helping the Colts win, but oddly did not blame Him for those tornadoes that killed 20 people in central Florida earlier in the week. Funny, that.

It was nice of CBS to give David Spade tickets to the game in Miami, mere weeks before his latest crap show is canceled. But to achieve total network synergy, we were hoping they'd get David Caruso from CSI: Miami to do color commentary:

"Jim, what we have here is a fumble . . . but was it a giveaway . . . (puts on sunglasses) . . . or a TAKEaway?"

(cue Roger Daltry scream) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

THE BIG GAME IS HERE!

My quick thoughts on FootballMechaMatch 101001:

Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are both black. I'm not sure you were aware of this. And it's Black History Month, so I think the whole thing is fixed.

The Colts must show up tonight. I can't express that enough. Win this one for your fallen Colt, Barbaro!!!

I guess I have to go with the Bears, since they were my preseason pick, but I really don't care. My enthusiasm for this game is UNMEASURABLE.

How come no one is talking about Ricky Manning, Jr., the illegitimate son of Archie?

I think it would hilarious if they inserted Peyton into every commercial that 4 minute block right before kickoff.

I'm rooting for a blowout by halftime so I can go to bed early.

I'm also rooting for rain, since there's no chance of snow in Miami.

Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet might be the best part of the night. Three hours of puppies playing, narrated by Harry Kalas. You can't look away. Nearly a million votes have been cast for the MVP (Most Valuable Puppy). No shit. I voted for Bomber.

Stevie Nicks, Billy Joel and Prince are performing today. What is it, 1983?

Deadspin is doing the GLOG for CBS Sportsline. Seriously, a GLOG sounds like something you produced that you have trouble flushing down.

Enjoy!

HAPPY JEFFUARY!

Yes, it's that magical month again.

There's really only one thing you have to remember about the month of JEFFUARY: every day is about me. Yeah sure, I know some people celebrate Valentine's Day by buying their significant other candy, and even though they pretend to be delighted they file away their anger towards you for getting them a gift that is designed to make them fat. Bravo! Good luck with that. Meanwhile, I'm taking the day off and will be at the bar.

So for the entire month of JEFFUARY, I'm going to treat myself to something every day (and I encourage you to do the same). These activities may include any or all of the following: drinking, fine dining, watching hockey, drinking, playing open hockey/pond hockey, drinking, skiing, bourbon, going to/renting a movie, playing video games, drinking, getting a massage, drinking, watching golf, watching LOST, drinking. Did I mention that there might be drinking involved? Only 28 days hath JEFFUARY so I'd better get started. You can kick off the festivities by buying ME a drink. See how it works? You too can be a part of the unbridled joy that is JEFFUARY!

It's really just all about the fun: me having fun, and you doing everything to facilitate me having fun.

HAPPY JEFFUARY EVERYONE!

FIRST AID SPRAY

Every day that I'm at work, I want it to be one day ahead of what it actually is. For instance, today is Wednesday but I really wish it was Thursday. And on Sundays, I want to go one day back.

I was thinking today, whatever happened to First Aid Spray? That used to be the all-purpose solution for any scrape, burn or cut I'd get as a kid, and my mom would liberally spray that shit on like it was a magic cure-all elixir. But man, that god damn stuff stung like hell. What did they put in that can? I'm not even sure there was any actual medication in it (like an antiseptic). Was it just cheap grade isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol? Not only that, but it was really cold as well. Did they mix in some refrigerator coolant? Basically, I don't think it did anything but sting so badly that you forgot what injury you had in the first place. And I know my mom loves me, but I guess not enough to buy anything better than the No-Frills version.

I'D RATHER BE AT THE DENTIST

So I'm sitting in the dentist chair while the hygienist has her way with my teeth and gums, furiously prodding and scraping away with those little pointy spatulas from hell. All I can do while I'm occupied, besides listening to her stomach growl, is stare at the ceiling: the ceiling tiles, the radio speaker emitting inoffensive softrock like "Jack and Diane", the screws holding in the radio speaker, the dentist's lamp manufacturer's name (MIDMARK). The whole time I'm wondering why they don't just put small LCD TVs up there to give the patients something to take their mind off the torture. It's not like the dentist doesn't make enough money, so what's the problem? I'm going to start calling dentists until I find one with ceiling-mounted monitors showing DirecTV.

Anyway, after about an hour of this the hygienist suddenly announces, "Left upper rear wisdom tooth, possible cavity!" Well, thanks sweetcheeks, but I think we'll wait for the BIG GUY WHO SIGNS YOUR CHECK to come in and confirm that. Sure enough the dentist didn't find anything, and he screamed at her, "You fool! I think you've earned a time out for that misdiagnosis!" and injected a huge dose of Novacaine into her neck. Soon after she slumped lifeless to the floor, the two of us were enjoying martinis in the lobby, chatting about the opera and the horrible traffic at Vail this time of year.

That's why the dentist's office is much better than work.

WOO HOO!

The Big Game is finally here! Tonight, I think we're going to see a lot of top-notch kicking and world-class tackling, all the new commercials will star Peyton Manning, and hopefully Prince will wear assless chaps for his halftime performance and . . . what? It's NEXT week? F*** the NFL. Seriously, cram it.

Anyway, I predict that the City Of Big Shouldered Ulrachers will win, and we can go back to mocking Manning, and everything will be right in the world again. Or not. It doesn't matter, I'll be playing TECMO Super Bowl instead.

THINGS I LIKE: VINTAGE HOCKEY CLIPS

Marty used to frequently try to score on the empty net, but now I can't remember the last time he attempted it. Here's footage of the goal Brodeur scored against Montreal on April 17, 1997 in game 1 of their playoff series.



Love that.

I WILL NOT BE RUNNING IN 2008

Hello America!

I wanted to take this opportunity to declare that I will not be running in 2008. As others have already stated their intentions, I thought it was only fair to inform the American people of my wishes. Running is not something that I have seriously considered, although I may have threatened to do so in the past. Although I frequently go for jogs/walks (more of a "wog", really), I certainly would not call it 'running'. Running takes a lot of motivation and effort, and it's very hard on the knees. As a tall person, it's just not something that I'm well suited for and thus I don't intend to run this year or in 2008.

I was just informed that Kerry announced he was not running FOR PRESIDENT in 2008. Sorry, I missed that little bit of information. (Did we expect him to run? Did we even ask him to?) Well, that changes things a bit.

Regardless, I may as well use this space to also say that I will not be running, for President or otherwise, in 2008. It was a decision that I thought long and hard about over the past several minutes, a decision that did not come easy. I admit that many tears, and clothes, were shed during this time of reflection. I want to thank all my supporters and my family for standing behind me, even though you may have been making faces back there that I couldn't see. Thank you.

Speaking of thanks, it bugs me that some people don't say 'thanks' when you hold the door for them. It's not like I want them to tip me. I'm not asking for much. I say it all the time when people hold the door for me. Well, usually I say 'thanks' at the first set of doors, but if there's a second set I usually mumble so that you only hear the sibilants, and it ends up sounding more like 'kssss'. It's certainly close enough, and I'm sure the door holder gets the idea and isn't offended. But I digress.

In closing, I just wanted to state my intentions without being misleading, deceptive or vague. I also do not wish to be redundant, repetitive, or reiterative. Basically, I will not be running in 2008.

Thank you.

2007 NHL ALL-STAR DRINKING GAME!

• During introductions, drink if they mispronounce a player's name
• During introductions, drink if you've never heard of a player
• Goal scored on slapshot - 1 shot
• Goal scored on redirection - Finish off drink of person to the left of you (called an "assist")
• Goal scored by Canadian - 1 shot of maple syrup
• Goal scored by American - 1 shot of Kentucky bourbon
• Goal scored by Russian - 1 shot of vodka
• Goal scored by Swede - 1 shot of Absolut
• Goal scored by Sabres player - drink an entire Genny Cream
• Camera shot of Crosby and Ovechkin together - 1 drink
• Doc Emrick says "100 seconds left" in a period - 1 drink
• Player saying "organ-EYE-zhay-shun" - 1 drinktbw
• Gary Bettman insincerely saying "Our fans are the best!" - 1 drink
• Someone mocks Ed Olczyk for being a slow skater - 1 drink
• Bill Clement talking about an All-Star Game he played in - 1 drink
• Hat trick - 3 drinks
• Anyone mentions Rory Fitzpatrick - finish drinking everything you have in the house

ENJOY!

THE STATE OF THE HOCKEY UNION

Everywhere I go, it seems that everyone has caught 2007 NHL All-Star Game fever! I can't walk a foot without seeing a promotional poster or someone wearing a Kiprusoff or Staal jersey--it's crazy! With the NFL in their FOOTBALL FORTNIGHT™ and several TV shows in hiatus, anticipation for the first hockey all-star game in 3 years is at an all-time high! I'm sure everyone will be glued to their sets tonight as the NHL YoungStars Game and SuperSkills competition (why do they cram the two words together like that? That looks stupid) are presented on VS. tonight at 8 PM ET, and the All-Star Game tomorrow (same time, unless the rodeo runs late).

In case you missed it (and you did), head NHL douchebag Gary "Fucking" Bettman held a press conference yesterday to make a big announcement. Was it to:

A) ANNOUNCE A NEW MULTIMILLION DOLLAR TELEVISION CONTRACT
B) ANNOUNCE A NEW STADIUM DEAL FOR PITTSBURGH
C) APOLOGIZE ABOUT ELIMINATING 100,000 OF RYAN FITZPATRICK'S ALL-STAR VOTES AND INVITE HIM TO THE GAME
D) NONE OF THE ABOVE

If you said D, you're correct. He announced that the NHL will be using new jerseys!

"We're here to witness an evolution, not a revolution," Gary "Fucking" Bettman said. "We have worked tirelessly with the players' association and Reebok-CCM Hockey over three years to try and get this right."

Tirelessly? For THREE YEARS? With no break? That's over 1,000 days, or 24,000 hours, of agonizing over this this "uniform system". Holy shit! How many Indonesian children died during the manufacturing of these stupid polyester shirts? And they're available at the NHL store for only $349.99, or $424.99 personalized! Brilliant!

Okay, I guess they look pretty sleek, but is that really all you've got, NHL? Another way to make the hockey superfans needlessly piss away their hard-earned money? Let's not mention that a hockey hotbed like Pittsburgh will soon lose their team loaded with YoungStars, and that the league doesn't care about who its fans voted for. No, let's announce that we are using new jerseys, and you'll have to fork over an entire paycheck to buy one. What a joke.

Meanwhile, let's also gloss over the fact that the NHL's all-star showcase events are on a no-frills network that most cable/satellite customers aren't even sure they have DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK. The NHL could take advantage of the fact that there's no football and hold them this weekend, which might cause some sports fans to accidentally tune-in, but that would make too much sense. Instead, let's put them on against ratings juggernauts "American Tonedeaf", "The Suitcase Opening Show", and the State of the Union address. And then let's trash the NHL the next day in the media when it gets ZERO RATINGS!

That being said, I don't really mind that no one is talking about hockey. It's a niche sport, it always has been, and always will be. As long as the local teams are still on TV somewhere, I'm happy. I don't need casual fans and housewives wearing Gionta sweaters to work and suddenly screaming "SHOOT THE PUCK!!!" in my face. I'm looking forward to seeing Nieds skate faster than ever, Brodeur trying to stop the entire Western Conference, and Ovie and Crosby play on the same line together.

Actually, I changed my mind and found an authentic Reebok jersey that I want:



Only $430.48 shipped to my house in 2-3 weeks! Wow, what a bargain! Even the website likes my purchase: Great choice! To purchase your customized jersey, click on "ADD TO CART." I even told them to sew on an "A" for "Assclown".

YOU'RE NOT SICK, YOU HAVE HOCKEY ALL-STAR GAME FEVER!

2007: THE YEAR IT ALL WENT WACKY!

It hasn't even been a month, and it's already been a strange year. We started off with Dick Clark missing the number "10" during the countdown, which is an auspicious beginning to say the least. The first Saturday of the year was 70° and sunny and I couldn't even get a tee time. Although many will point to the Red Sox finally winning the World Series as being WHEN IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL, since nothing GOOD has happened since, we may look back at 2007 as THE YEAR IT ALL WENT WACKY (thanks for the title for this blog entry, Rob). Let's look at what's happened so far:

• James Brown has gotten more positive press than Gerald Ford after their deaths. That's right: the drug-addicted, wife-beating, unintelligible singer got more props than a former President who was a Distinguished Eagle Scout, national championship winning college QB, Yale law graduate, WWII Naval veteran, 24 year member of the House of Representatives, House Minority Leader, Vice President, President, and survivor of attacks by both Squeaky Fromme and Chevy Chase. That doesn't seem fair.

• Bill Parcells retired . . . but is it for GOOD this time (?).

• Rage Against The Machine is going to reunite at the Coachella Festival (so is Crowded House, but that's not the lead story because of the damn NORTHERN HEMISPHERE BIAS).

• Peyton Manning has finally figured out the Patriots. That's right. As we begin the FOOTBALL FORTNIGHT™, we are faced with the scary proposition: what if he wins the Super Bowl? The Bears should be afraid, be very afraid, of laser rocket arms. Personally, I like Peyton and I don't know where all the animosity towards him comes from. Yes, he's annoyingly omnipresent, but at least he's accomplished something (unlike Paris Hilton, who merely banged Brian Ulracher) to warrant the attention and endorsements. I hope he wins it all and the sports media can get off his ass once and for all, and find someone else to beat up*.

(Congratulations Boston sports fans, the lucky recipients of the Greatest Choke Job In Sports History, when the Yankees blew a 3-0 game lead over the Red Sox in the 2005 ALCS, because thanks to Bradichick you can now enjoy the Greatest Collapse In NFL Championship Game History, by letting the Colts overcome an 18 point deficit to win!)

(*Of course I mean "verbally beat up"; no sportswriter could PHYSICALLY beat anyone up.)

• FIGJAM he looks like he's in shape. Emerging from his foxhole to play a tournament for the first time after his disasterous Ryder Cup performance (1-4), he claims to have allegedly lost 20-25 pounds in the interim, while gaining 10-15 pounds of muscle due to a new workout regimen (by "new", I mean he actually GOT one). The cardio part of his workout involves constantly pounding his wife, I believe. Whatever he's doing, he actually is starting to look like an athlete.

Phillis giving up the In-N-Out burgers, Peyton in the Super Bowl--what is this world coming to??? It's madness, I tell you! The world's gone WACKY!