Wednesday, February 20, 2008


I just got back from Florida on Monday night, but in my mind I'm not truly "back" yet. While I was gone for the week a lot happened: the New Jersey Devils were (briefly) tied for first place in the Wales Conference (along with two Canadian teams), Blu-Ray won the HD war, the Hollywood writers' strike ended, and Castro quit. Maybe I should take another week off and we'll settle this whole Middle East conflict. I'll even go to Hawaii if you want--I will do whatever it takes.

Here are some things I learned during my week in Florida:

GOLF! It's hard to beat a round of golf in the winter, and Myakka Pines was in great shape (even though I wasn't). I may have said this before, but it bears repeating: if you lose a golf ball in a water hazard in Florida, DO NOT TRY TO RETRIEVE IT. There are alligators in every pond, and it's not worth losing a limb over a $2 piece of plastic.

TRAVEL: Waverunners are a great form of transportation. My cousin Heather in Bradenton has one that I got to tool around on, and I decided that I would take a waverunner to work every day if I lived down there.

As far as air travel is concerned, TSA sucks. The miserable people that work for them apparently flunked their DMV training and had no other job prospects. Why does everything from mouthwash to hemorrhoid cream have to be in a tiny plastic Ziploc bag? Can someone explain this to me? However, watching security shake down an 80 year old woman to make her relinquish her can of seltzer never gets old.

FOOD/DRINK: There are few places better than Florida to get fresh seafood. I recommend the grouper with the Caribbean chips starter at Sun House. On the other hand, no one should ever eat at Cracker Barrel. Just trust me on this one. I just had my innards violated by one of their high fat, high salt, high risk breakfasts on Monday. Never eat there. Ever.

Thank god for ABC Fine Wine & Spirits stores, because I was afraid I'd have to do all my beer shopping in Wal-Mart, where A-B unabashedly sells Michelob Ultra in flavors called "Tuscan Orange Grapefruit" and "Lime Cactus"--just the thought of that makes me want to puke. Thankfully, I was instead able to pick up a Schneider Aventinus which I enjoyed with my birthday steak.

OTHER. Rock Band, well, rocks. I played it on my cousin's XBOX360, and even though I consider it "the opposite of music" it's both a hilarious and addictive party game. I wanted to try every song but my parents were there too, and getting a little restless (though my mom rocked the cowbell on "Don't Fear the Reaper"). Now I'm thinking of buying a Sony PS3 before the year is over. (Oh, and "My Name Is Jonas" is the best song on Guitar Hero III.)

Young girls in bikinis also rock. It never fails: there's always some ridiculously gorgeous young girl on the beach that you can't NOT stare at. You just can't help it. I creep myself out when I catch myself doing it. I have an idea: it should be illegal to get a tattoo until you turn 18. This would make it much easier to determine if they're legal. Sure, it's still creepy when they're half your age, but at least you can't be locked up for it.

In closing, I found out that everyone outside of New England was rooting for the Giants (or should I say, against the Patriots) in the Super Bowl. Random strangers even came up to me: in the parking lot outside of Target, I had a Pittsburgh Steelers fan thanking me for snuffing out the evil Patriots. And it sure was fun to ride back on a plane full of New Englanders wearing a Giants shirt.

1 comment:

Kris said...

Speaking of 18 year old girls, where's the "Don't You Hate Pants" Column?

I was going to guest post last week, but saw that a draft had been started, then promptly got drunk for the weekend (well, drunk+hungover, but it's all basically the same thing when it comes to internet productivity).