2008 STANLEY CUP FINALS EXTRAVAGANZA

Soooo . . . who won the Stanley Cup? That should be over by now, right? What? It's not? Sources tell me the Stanley Cup Finals between the Detroit Red Wings and the Pittsburgh Penguins starts tonight! Keeping with the Indy theme here on the blog, I stole the excellent Photoshop poster at left from the hilarious Pensblog: Quest for the Holy Grail. Sidney grew that "beard" a month ago merely to look like Harrison Ford's scruffy Indy character. It's all making sense now.

(I also love this girl's MAKLIN sweater. Fail indeed.)

Anyway, here's a quick guide to the nicknames we might be using here at the OH blog during this series:

Datsyuk = Gadzooks
Rafalski = Raffi
Franzen = Hanzenfranz
Osgood = Charles/various Ozzy Osbourne jokes
Hasek = The Benchwarminator
Valtteri Filppula = Flipper
Kris Draper = Curtains
Zetterberg = Zeppo
Niklas Lidstrom = The Lid

Sidney Crosby = Sidney Christ
MAF = Bloomin' Marc (his name means "In Bloom"; incidentally also a great Nirvana song)
Ruutu = Jerko Ruudetoo
George Laraque = Black Rock (no, I'm not being racist, it's a LOST reference)
Malkin = Russian Bride, Maklin
Gonchar = Gunshy
Sykora = Sicko
Marion Hossa = Marianne, or Marion Ravenswood (obligatory Indy Jones reference)
Jordan Staal = Staal III
Tyler Kennedy = TFK, Jr.

(Yeah, that's the best I could come up with. It's not great, but then again I've been half-assing everything lately.)

Overall this is a great matchup, the one the NHL probably wanted to see but not the one imagined by Canadian viewers. Regardless, it should be a good series: youth vs. experience, speedy forwards vs. solid blueliners, and two goalies playing way better than anyone expected.

PLAYERS TO WATCH. Everyone will be fixated on Christ and His Russian Bride, Zeppo, and Marianne. So I'm just going to tell you to watch out for Gadzooks and The Lid because good things happen when they're on the ice.

OFFENSIVE ADVANTAGE. Sidsburgh, with their combination of youth, speed and playmakers.

DEFENSIVE ADVANTAGE. Wings, with Raffi and the The Lid.

GOALTENDING ADVANTAGE. This is a surprisingly close matchup, but I give the nod to Ozzy because the D in front of him has been rock solid. And if the octopus hits the fan, they can always turn to the well-rested Benchwarminator.

ODDS ODDITIES. The odds are greater for the Wings winning in 5 games (4-1) than in 6 (5-1), which I found strange; I guess this is because they'd play Game 5 (if necessary, and it will be) at home. As of right now, the price is: Pittsburgh Penguins +145 Detroit Red Wings -165.

The "miscellaneous" odds are pretty funny.

• Will Al Sabotka or any member of the Red Wings staff be fined by the NHL for improperly handling an octopus* during the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? (Yes -700 (Yes Only))
• Will there be an octopus thrown on ice at Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh ? (Yes -700,
  No +350)
• Will a player from the losing team in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals be awarded the 2008 Conn Smythe Trophy? (Yes +750, No -1500)
• Will there be a 5 minute fighting major penalty called during the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? (Yes +700, No -1400)

But honestly, you'd have to be a complete idiot/degenerate to bet on hockey.

*Bettman is an incredible douche (upgrade from his current status as "total douche") if he fines anyone for this harmless yet disgusting Red Wings tradition.

"EXPERT" PICKS.
Ashley (Ultimate Hat Trick): DET (in 6)
Buccigross (ESPN): PIT (in 6)
Going Five Hole: PIT (in 6)
Greg "Yahoo! Puck Daddy" Wyshynski: PIT (in 6)
Kukla: DET (in 7)
Maggie the Monkey: PIT
Barry Melrose: DET (in 6)
McKenzie (TSN): DET
Melrose Rocks: DET (in 7)
Milbury: DET
Mirtle: DET (in 6)

WTF? Bill Simmons actually mentioned the NHL in a positive light in his latest column.

Sid the Kid, the return of Don Cherry, the old Flyers uniforms, Montreal self-combusting, the four-OT game, Bucci and Barry, Chris Osgood clipping the dude with the butt of his stick, HD telecasts, a Wings-Pens Finals ... I have to admit, I'm enjoying the NHL playoffs. No, really. I even figured out how to find the games on my cable system and everything.

Uh huh. Naturally, he had to get a sideways jab at VERSUS in there. This is the same Beantown douche who wrote off the league a few years ago when the Bruins were in the dumpster. Suddenly, they're in the playoffs and he's watching again? Fuck off, Boston Sports Guy. Oh, and Giants 17, Pats 14.

BLOGNOSTICATION. Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to do this but . . . PENGUINS IN 6.

Let's drop the puck already!

PLAYOFF SCHEDULE

LIVE BLOG ON AOL