WRIST SHOTS: HOCKEYSTATE

Apparently, the Wales Conference felt it appropriate to send two Pennsyltucky teams to the finals, from Hockeycity and Hockeyburgh, respectively. The Pens finally discarded the Rangers 3-2 in OT in Game 5, as 37 well-fed greater Sidsburgh residents suffered cardiac arrest. Meanwhile, 310 incredibly fucking boring miles away, the Sunday Philadelphia Inquirer read "FINAL FOUR FLYERS" the morning after their 6-4 Game 5 win, as they sadly mistook the hockey playoffs for the NCAA basketball tournament. Regardless, you've got a friend in Hockeyvania!

I spent this past weekend in Hockeycity attending a bachelor party, and there were actual loud cheers in the strip club when the Philthy Lyers sealed the deal with an empty net goal. Personally, I was cheering for the incredibly hot topless dancers (especially Nellie, who was very good at what she does--guys, I think she really likes me!), unlike the guy at the bar with the Umburger sweater (would it have killed him to dress up a little for the ladies?).

(One other question for Philthadelphia: why aren't there any diners open after the bars close at 2 AM? I guess I'm just spoiled living in the greater NYC area, but we had to wait a half an hour to get a cab and then endure a 15 minute cab ride to finally get our 3 AM breakfast. Ridiculous! Like comedian Paul F. Tompkins jokes about the endless choices that The City That Never Sleeps provides, "Oh man, if we were in New York right now, we'd be unwrapping a mummy.")

Meanwhile, the Habs collapse marks 14 years in a row that a Canadian team will not take home the Cup, which is just as Bettman intended.

The Campbell conference finalists are Detroit and Dallas, the latter taking 4 OTs to decide their Game 5. Due to a severe lack of sleep I slept through most of the Rangers game (until late in the 3rd) and thus ended up being wide awake for a good portion of the Stars/Sharks game--and what a doozy that was. Nabby nabbed a Richards shot in his mitt inches before crossing the line in the 1st OT, and Turco made a ridiculous kicking flop save in the 2nd OT to keep it going . . . which is when I decided to go to sleep. Brenden Morrow, who delivered a crushing hit at the end of regulation to knock Milan Michalek into next season, netted the game winner 9:03 into the 4th OT (at 3:15 AM Eastern Daylight Time, 5 hours 14 minutes) on the PP after a costly Brian Campbell tripping call. This may or may not be payback for Morrow, depending on how you feel about his disallowed goal in Game 4. Unfortunately, Kris forgot to set his alarm to catch the end of it over in Aquitania (which I believe is the fictional land depicted in Waterworld).



(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)