The new Budweiser ad campaign states, "This is Budwesier, this is beer". I believe this might be a bit confusing, making one think there is missing punctuation, as in "This is Beer?" Allow me to illustrate the meaning of this slogan to you, with the help of a couple of pictures:
This is Budweiser:
This is Beer:
Any questions? Now, don't EVER confuse the two. Thanks.
Sorry, that was just a tribute to Bruce Willis and his Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler commercials, which remain his finest work. I got flooded out the other day, so I didn't get a chance to really blog anything lately. Allow me to explain.
I was sitting at my computer on Tuesday December 13th, feeling jolly and all ready to print out my Xmas card list, when I put my foot down and a puddle of water pooled up underneath it. I had no idea what the hell was happening, and I sat there and pondered my next move. I immediately shut off the computer and unplugged every electrical item in the room, figuring that being electricuted while downloading an episode of "My Name Is Earl" would be a horrible way to go.
It turns out that the flood was caused by a water heater leak. I slept in my bedroom after 24 hours, even though there was still a dehumidifier and fan sucking and blowing me all night, respectively. It was so dry in there, I was chapped in places I once thought unchappable. But it lead me to realize that I need to buy my own place, so I can take care of this nightmarish stuff myself!
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I overheard this on an American Express card radio spot: "All small businesses have one thing in common: they need stuff." Well, that dumbed-down statement is really hard to argue, but it's also incredibly vague, and hardly an exclusive concern of small business owners. In fact, I can think of plenty of other parties who "need things":
teachers
fire
auto mechanics
grizzly bears
windmills
flowers
fudge manufacturers
accountants
pedophiles
space shuttles
fruitbats
orangutans
animatronic talking Santas
wind
toilet brushes
grapes
bladders
screwdrivers
politicians
bar patrons
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RANDOM QUOTES
"How can I say no to the woman who gave me chlamydia?" - James Lipton (as Warden Gentiles) on "Arrested Development"
(For the last time, I just thought I'd mention that it's a shame that FOX is giving up on this show, once of the smartest comedies to come around in a long time. Which means it has no place on regular TV, along with the likes of "Extreme Baby Swap: Nursery Edition", and Chad Johnson's new reality show. That's right, the annoying Cincinnati Bengales wide receiver wants his own show. During an interview he pitched the idea, and this quote was attributed to him: "I'm going to travel to all 51 states to see who can stop 85." Beautiful. I also hear Al Sharpton wants his own sitcom. Well, congratulations America, you deserve to watch that moronic garbage versus something like "Arrested Development", a show with more inspired slapstick, wit and humor than all the other crap network shows combined.)
"Remember: every time you say 'Happy Holidays' [instead of 'Merry Christmas'], an angel gets AIDS." - Steven Colbert "The Colbert Report"
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If Darryl Dawkins can have the nickname "Chocolate Thunder", and Jason Williams "White Chocolate", I've decided while eating my favorite winter time Oreo cookie that I would like to be nicknamed "White Fudge". Thank you.
I just found the perfect gift. It's the Total Body Workout by Arnold Schwarzenegger! Yes, the Governor of California barks out workout orders over songs like "It's Raining Men" and "Don't Stop Believin'"! Hurry if you want to get this in time for Xmas!
Just wanted to mention . . . this morning at 6:44 a.m., my nephew Brandon Michael Franklin was (finally) born! He was 10 lbs. 1 oz (yikes! Yes, that's bigger than even I was when I was born), and 22 inches long. This was a note from my dad: "He has a head like a casaba (true Kammann) and hands like Jeremy Shockey. Yeah, I definitely see him playing the O-line (note to self: buy a tiny pair of hockey skates). Of course, the note from my mom is more conventional: "He is just beautiful." Anyway, mom and baby are doing fine.
Sports Guy had some good comments about the Giants/Seahawks fiasco last Sunday, where Jay Feely missed 3 game-winning FGs. Amazingly, there was someone with worse luck, and his name was Neil O'Donoghue.
SG: You know what was crazy about that game? I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, that was one for the ages -- the first-ever Triple Stomach Punch Game. We will never see anything like that again." Then I'm watching "SportsCenter" that night and they show a graphic about how Cardinals kicker Neil O'Donoghue missed three overtime kicks in an eventual Monday night tie against the Giants in 1983 (including a 19-yarder). Astounding, right? So I immediately went online to research this O'Donoghue game, stumbling across another O'Donoghue disaster in Tampa Bay where he had four kicks blocked by the Vikings in a 1979 game, including a last-second PAT attempt that would have sent the game into overtime.
Now I was intrigued. I started googling phrases like "Neil O'Donahue horrible," "Neil O'Donahue missed" and "Neil O'Donahue blocked." And games kept popping up, In 1984, he blew a game to the Packers with a missed PAT and a 45-yard field goal that was short. On the last game of the '84 season, needing a win against Washington to make the playoffs, O'Donoghue missed the game-winning field goal as time expired. Playing for Tampa Bay in 1978, someone snapped the ball over his holder's head, followed by O'Donoghue trying to kick the ball out of bounds and whiffing on it -- leading to an 80-yard return by the Vikes and Bucs coach John McKay to derisively call him "The Irish Wonder." Turns out he played nine seasons for three teams and went 112-189 on field goals, which means he averaged 12-for-21 every year for nine years. If this guy doesn't warrant his own "SportsCentury" episode, I don't know who does.
Here's some of the "highlights" of the Irish Wonder's career:
Career Stats
Profile: Kicked the NFC Central Division title winning field goal in 1979 but was replaced by veteran Garo Yepremian the following season. A native of Ireland by birth, he kicked for the Cardinals for several seasons after that. Kicked two seasons for Auburn and was a 5th round pick of the Bills in 1977. Played five games with Buffalo before being cut and had immigration problems in 1978 that nearly saw him deported back to Ireland before being able to sign for the Buccaneers. Played soccer for Shamrock Rovers and also rugby and hurling to a high standard before crossing the Atlantic.
Sept. 17, 1978: The first NFC Central win in franchise history was not without a Bucs blooper. Tampa Bay led 16-7 with about 5 minutes left and lined up for a game-clinching field goal, but Charlie Hannah snapped the ball 10 feet over holder Dave Green's head. The ball was bouncing around near midfield when kicker Neil O'Donoghue tried to boot it out of bounds, prompting coach John McKay to call him "the Irish wonder." He whiffed and Fred McNeill picked up the ball and headed for a Vikings touchdown. He was tackled at the 10 by O'Donoghue. Tampa Bay lost 80 yards on the play, but the defense held Minnesota to a field goal, and the Bucs won 17-10.
Oct. 24, 1983: In one of the worst ``Monday Night Football'' games in history, Cardinals kicker Neil O'Donoghue misses three field-goal attempts in overtime -- including a chip shot from 19 yards -- in a 20-20 tie with the New York Giants.
Sept. 2, 1984: In Forrest Gregg's coaching debut for Green Bay, the Packers won at home, but more by default than anything. They were outgained, 417 yards to 266, and escaped with a 24-23 victory only because St. Louis Cardinals kicker Neil O'Donoghue missed an extra point in the third quarter and left a 45-yard field goal attempt short with 2 minutes 10 seconds remaining in the game. "We lost the football game," Neil Lomax, the St. Louis quarterback, said in the locker room. "I don't think they won it."
Dec. 16, 1984: With one week to play, Washington led the NFC East at 10-5. Breathing down their backs were the Giants, Cardinals, and Cowboys, all tied at 9-6. Thus, with the division-title at stake, the Redskins hosted the rematch versus St. Louis. The Cards had taken the first contest, a tightly fought 26-24 decision, earlier in the season. Thus a win at RFK Stadium would have given St. Louis the season-sweep and hence the tie-breaker advantage and the NFC East title (the team would also have held tie-breaker advantage over New York and Dallas). A loss would mean elimination.
This battle would be prove to be just as competitive as the earlier meeting, but the situation would be reversed. This time it was Washington who held the slim 2-point lead, 29-27, late in the fourth period. Amid the swirling December winds, the Cardinals frantically tried to put together one final drive. Then, as the final seconds were ticking away, St. Louis managed to creep into field goal range. Unable to stop the clock, the kicking unit was raced onto the field. Kicker Neil O'Donoghue had earlier tied the team record for most points in a season with 117, but on this final, hurried attempt, luck would side with Washington. The kick sailed wide as time expired.
I had been meaning to post this photo for everyone's benefit. This is from the Kris & Julie (not pictured) Cornfield Hall Extravaganza back in October. Thanks again for inviting us all, we had a great time!
I was at the gym on the treadmill watching "Jeopardy!" and the category for Final Jeopardy was "In The Encylopedia Britannica". The question was "This final biography entry is of a Russian man who worked on this important invention" or something to that effect. Well, I was thinking it must start with "Z", and for some reason the only thing that came to mind was "ZYKLON-B". So when the music stopped and the contestants stopped writing their answers, Alex Trebek said, "My children are really happy that he came up with this invention!" When I heard this, I started laughing and realized that either my answer was way off, or Trebek was a filthy Nazi! The first contestant had no response, and shockingly, the second guy came up with the same answer as me, "ZYKLON-B". If Trebek had said, "Yes, that's correct!", I would have fallen off the fucking treadmill! It was only when the third contestant's correct response, "What is the television?", that I realized they were talking about Vladimir Zworykin, an early pioneer of television technology. Wow, I was literally laughing out loud (LLOL), and I'm 100% sure no one else knew why.
* It's awesome, ba--*cough* *choke*. It's not even December yet, how has Dick Vitale blown out his larynx already? Anyway, the NCAA basketball season is already shaping up to be great, with several tournaments already producing great games (Coaches vs. Cancer, Maui Classic, Preseason NIT, etc). Tune into some of the Big 10 vs. ACC showdown games (like #1 Duke vs. #16 Indiana) and you'll see what I mean. It might level out a little until the conference games start in earnest in '06, but so far, so good. I know I'll be tuning into ESPN @ 5 PM Saturday to see #4 Villanova hosting #5 Oklahoma.
Note: the "Coaches vs. Cancer Classic" is not to be confused with the Eagles' Andy Reid and Terrell Owens, who were in the "Coaches vs. Team Cancer Classic".
* Why do they call some offensive linemen "tackles" when they never tackle anyone?
* When Barbara Walters was asked who cried during her interviews this year, she admitted that the mother of missing-presumed-dead-in-Aruba-Natalee-Holloway cried when talking about her daughter. She added that those tears are what keeps her alive, as she bottles them during her inteviews and uses them as a "magic elixir", to keep her going for another year of awkward celebrity interviews. Also, celebrity tears are great at getting out wine stains. Good to know.
* The Cool Google Maps blog, surprisingly, is filled with cool Google maps.
* Annoying ESPN commentator and former Dallas Cowboys WR Michael Irvin got pulled over for speeding on Sunday night, and a crack pipe was found in his car, which he claimed was not his. He was at work at ESPN the next day. I have a feeling, if I had the same list of priors, I would have been treated differently . . .
* Did you see the through-the-legs Malik goal, which gave the Rangers a shootout win in the 15th round on Saturday night? I'm still looking for a video link to it, but trust me, it was sick (which means "great", apparently, although I don't endorse getting sick).
We (me) here at the Open Hockey blog try to come up with original comedy, and sometimes it's hard. I usually attack easy targets like dumb athletes and bad marketing practices, which is by nature always negative. But I notice that most blogs/websites nowadays just link to other sites that they like, which is lame and totally unoriginal. As entertaining as sites like Deadspin and YAYfootball! are, they pretty much only exist to link to other sites. So dammit, I'm all for following trends especially if they're based on complete laziness, so I'm going to have to start doing that more!
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Even though my calendar says fall, it's a damn filthy liar! Because the last time I checked, it seems like winter is here already. Yes, it's that magic time of year when your lips crack, peel and fall off completely, and the wind hits your eye like a big frozen pie, as bitter Alberta clippers rudely cross the northern border without provocation or invitation, like Jim Carrey or Alanis Morrisette. It's currently below freezing here in the Northeast, and a rain/snow mix is predicted for tonight and tomorrow, but it could be worse: you could be manning the Mount Washington Observatory. This permanently manned weather station in New Hampshire is home of some of the most extreme weather ever recorded, including the current world record wind gust of 231 (April 1934). Yes, you read that right. Last year they had a wind chill recording of -324789 or something. Great pictures, great journal, great site.
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I heard people were lining up around the block to buy something called an "Icebox 360". What is this? I've got a refrigerator at home, and I don't have to keep buying blocks of ice to keep my perishables cold, I just plug it in and it does all the work for me! What's the big deal? It seems there's always some stupid hot Xmas gift, whether it's a Cabbage Patch kid or a crossbow, that everyone just has to buy regardless of how practical it is.
Oh, I was just informed that it's the "XBOX 360" that everyone is apeshit over. My mistake. Well, I'm just going to stick to my Playstation Tecmo Super Bowl, thanks.
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I warned you about November March Madness. But did you people listen, and get your booster shot? Of course you didn't, you never listen to me!! Well, the madness hit one of the Hawaiian islands hard last night in the guise of a triple overtime thriller with Gonzaga outlasting Michigan State, 109-106. You have to love the Maui Classic, which looks like it's played in a high school gym, must be a great atmosphere. And if you don't like it, you can go outside and you're in FREAKING HAWAII. Anyway, I tuned in with about 10 minutes left in regulation, but unfortunately I got sidetracked by online holiday shopping and missed the ending. Damn you, Jebus!!!
I always enjoy a good Syracuse upset, this time it was a loss at the hands of Bucknell, in the Carrier Dome no less. Last year's tournament was filled with unbelieveable underdogs and classic moments (including the phantom "traveling" call against Villanova to allow NC to advance and eventually win it all), and hopefully this is a sign of things to come this NCAA season. Oh, the sheer madness of it all.
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The way the media is reporting Oprah's long-awaited December 1 appearance on "Late Show with David Letterman", you'd think the planet was going to stop spinning. Although it would be great if Dave exposed her for the fraud that she is, and ridiculed for telling America's spineless female population what to do, how to think, and which books to read, I'm sure it will start off with some good natured ribbing and finish off with some good ol' show biz ass-kissing. I'm hoping that they'll use her for a segment of "Will It Float?" or maybe throw her off a three story building while Crispin Glover kicks her . . . but it doesn't look like that's in the cards.
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People always type "LOL", in IMs or in emails, but are they really laughing out loud? I infrequently chortle audibly, unless there's a particularly humourous Stewie Griffin comment on "The Family Guy", or a wacky cat does something crazy on the newest runaway hit show on Animal Planet, "America's Stupidest Animals". So I rarely if ever type "LOL", but it just wouldn't be honest. But for clarity, I decree that everyone must use the acronym "LLOL", for "literally laughing out loud", when one truly experiences an outburst of intelligible guffawing. It's the right thing to do.
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Lastings Milledge. Lastings Milledge. If I hear one more freaking New York Mets fan saying that they'd better not trade minor league prospect Lastings Milledge to get anyone worthwhile, I'm going to vomit. They're talking like this guy is a no-brainer-All-Star-All-World-Hall-of-Famer, the next Darryl Strawberry (minus the rampant drug abuse). Look, you're not a scout. You never saw him play. You don't know if he can even play in the majors (all you did was read his A ball stats in Baseball Weekly once). You sit in the upper deck, yet still scream at the umps assuming they have superhuman hearing. So shut up already and just enjoy your overpaid and overhyped lineup of Pedro, Beltran, Delgado (who they're apparently trading young first baseman Mike Jacobs to get-ugh), Molina, Banderas and whatever other Latino players will make Manny want to sign up. As long as all this gives Omar Manaya a warm tropical fuzzy feeling inside, I'm happy for him. Whatever. I'm through watching this bunch of perennial pretenders, and I'm just watching golf next summer.
Speaking of, famous Mets fan Jerry Seinfeld was on WFAN with Steve Somers yesterday, making for some very funny sports-related comedy. "Yankees fans are usually well-dressed, confident, always concerned about winning. Mets fans, they have trouble tucking the shirt into the pants. Have you seen Mets fans? They're not a good looking bunch. There's always a mustard stain somewhere."
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If I could be a store, I would be Bath and Body Works. Chicks would love me, and I would always smell great.
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I was in the mall yesterday, the calm before the shopping storm so to speak, so please allow me to (re)state the obvious: Christmas is a crazy freaking holiday. The merchandising money alone that Jesus must make, that could bring anyone back from the dead! But other holidays at this time of year seem to get swept under the rug. Yes, there are a few dusty Hanukkah trinkets around, but they're severly overshadowed. For instance, you never see a Kwanzaa mug, or a "Baby's First Ramadan" bib. Maybe they have them, but they're obscured by the sheer tonnage of Xmas crap that gets dumped into the mall.
Whatever happened to the Slappin' Mammys, who did heavy metal covers of Al Jolson songs? Sadly, no one knows. Oh well, there's always Beatallica, who are kind of a cross between Spinal Tap and The Rutles. The guy actually sounds like Hetfield, it's hilarious. I especially like Everybody's Got A Ticket To Ride Except For Me And My Lightning, but it's hard to choose just one, so try out A Garage Dayz Nite too. A friend of mine noted that they missed an opportunity to call themselves "The Meatles", but that's another story. They're playing in NYC on December 2rd, or you could just get them for free on the website.
Eli Manning. Drunk and hanging on some blonde chick. Hilarious.
Elisha Cuthbert, star of "The Girl Next Door" and "24" (with a brief appearance in "Old School"), has her own hockey blog. That's right, she's a freaking maple syrup chugging, back bacon loving, Molson swilling Canuck! Oh boy, this has GOT to be good, right? So let's take a look at her deep hockey insights from the NHL site:
I try really hard after the games not to make too many comments about how I thought the guys preformed. I mean I don't know how I'd feel if one them came up to me after a scene and said, "I don't know if that was believable enough." Then again, who am I kidding? I sneak in comments all the time, for example: "Nice game, not so much, why did you fight him? That wasn't right, if I were you I would of knocked him out, too!!!" Then there's the little pep talks like, "Your nose doesn't look that bad dude, the girls won't notice" and "Who needs that tooth anyway?"
Oh. Never mind, let's just take a look at HER, eh?
ESPN "SportsCenter" has been doing "fake" press conferences this week, with former Mets GM Steve Phillips answering questions as if he was the GM for several MLB teams (the Yankees, the Cubs, Red Sox, etc.). (Of course, the Red Sox job is open, but I doubt Steve is going to be let near a major league team any time soon, and this fake shit can't look good on his resume.) Not only that, but they made ACTUAL SPORTS REPORTERS, Buster Olney and Jeremy Schaap, ask questions! Holy craap. Who thought this was a good idea? I guess ESPN's thinking is, if you can't get any ACTUAL sports news, why not just make shit up? I don't understand what's happened to SportsCenter, and the whole of ESPN for that matter, but it's turned into a complete pile of garbage. Between the endless pregame shows, poker tourneys, and "analysis" featuring assholes (Michael Irvin) blindly defending other assholes (Terrell Owens), I can't stomach it anymore. Three words to ESPN: JUST SHOW HIGHLIGHTS!
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Speaking of fake, NBC showed a special Sunday episode of their political drama "The West Wing", fake debate featuring their two presidental candidates, played by Alan Alda and Jimmy Smits. It aired live and was even hosted by an actual NBC newsman, Forrest Sawyer. I don't know how the ratings were, but no doubt it had more viewers than a real debate would. However, this is the most disturbing thing I've heard about it: "By 2-to-1, Sunday's viewers told [polling company] Zogby that they preferred watching a fictional presidential debate to the real thing." (from CNN.com). Holy crap, this country is getting stupider by the day.
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So let's talk about the real ELECTION DAY, when we, the people, get to speak out and be heard! Sort of. Not only did Californians vote down some major reforms by the Schwarzenegger administration (now, say those last two words out loud: it's fucked up, right?), but Mayor Bloomberg won the NYC re-election in a landslide, which I guess is, uhm, not totally unreasonable. But my favorite topic by far is the teaching of science in our schools, primarily, the theory of evolution. For every one of these stories:
Pennsylvania voters oust school board (11.09.2005): Voters came down hard Tuesday on school board members who backed a statement on intelligent design being read in biology class, ousting eight Republicans and replacing them with Democrats who want the concept stripped from the science curriculum.
. . . there is, unfortunately, one of these:
Kansas school board redefines science (11.08.2005): At the risk of re-igniting the same heated nationwide debate it sparked six years ago, the Kansas Board of Education approved new public school science standards Tuesday that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.
I can't believe these two diametrically opposed curricula are being taught simultaneously in the SAME COUNTRY. It's beyond crazy. I think I'd rather live in the fake country run by Jimmy Smits.
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Speaking of fake breasts (okay, not the best segue, I admit), two Panthers cheerleaders were arrested this weekend for causing a disturbance at a bar after allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall. Beer, football, lesbian cheerleaders--what else is there? I have to go. I can't even concentrate on typing this blog anymore.
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ROCK N' ROLL STINGER
McCartney to beam concert into space
And let's hope it stays there!
Homer Simpson once described Grand Funk Railroad as: "Mark Farner's wild, shirtless lyrics, the bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher, the competent drumming of Don Brewer!" Well, you didn't have to consult your local library to find out more about them, because believe it or not, they were playing live in Bergen County, New Jersey this week! Although, they turned down the volume, so I doubt too many bongs were rattled.
What is the point of commercials for TVs that try to show you their incredible picture quality? Don't they realize that if I'm watching it on a crappy TV, IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE CRAP?!? I can understand if they're pointing out some new feature (like the Philips Ambilight), or advertising that they've dropped the price. Not only that, they're lying to us anyway, since there's always a disclaimer that says "picture simulated". So what the hell is the point? The irony is that the only person who could possibly appreciate the great ("simulated") picture is someone who doesn't need even it, and already owns a high quality TV.
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Just to remind you what a bottomless pit of nothingness current TV programming is, William Shatner has won 2 Emmys. That's right: in the final analysis of all the actors in the business, they couldn't find anyone who could possibly top ol' Bill. Twice.
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Idea for a USC football T-shirt: if you want BUSH you need the TROJANS.
(Soon-to-be-Heisman-winner Reggie Bush, that is. Get it???)
I'm sure there's a USC student silkscreening these in the basement of a frat house right now.
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The Houston Astros, in losing to the Chicago White Sox in the 2005 World Series, were the first World Series team since the 1954 Yankees without a black player on their roster. Since blacks now only represent 9% of all current baseball players, that's not an unbelieveable occurance, but it's still puzzling. Bill Simmons of ESPN Page 2 explains the reason:
[My friend] noticed something during the ALCS: The Astros don't have a single African-American player on their playoff roster. Not a one. The lesson, as always: Roger Clemens hates blacks. (I'm just kidding. He doesn't hate blacks. Just looked funny in print.) But that is pretty strange. All white guys and Latin players? I'm dying for Buck to read a graphic like, "Time for today's Old Spice Fact of the Day: The last team to win a World Series without any African-American players was the 1949 New York Yankees."
As you know, the underachieving collection of all-stars known as the 2005 New York Yankees not only lost to the Angels in the ALDS, but also somehow managed to lose 11 of 19 games to the woeful 67-95 Tampa Bay Devil Rays during the regular season. All I have to say about that is: if you don't take out the garbage, you can't complain about the stink.
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Alexei Zhitnik signed with the New York Islanders this season after 10 years with the Buffalo Sabres. Although he initially said the team was "on the top of his list" (don't they all say that, once the check clears?), he later said one of the main reasons for signing with another NY team is that he "wouldn't have to change his license" (according to Islanders Radio). That's right, he turned down potentially better offers with other hockey teams just so he wouldn't have to put up with the hassle of going to DMV! I think Mr. Bookless would agree with him, after having to make several frustrating trips to the Connecticut DMV, and the Social Security office, just to prove that "TOM BOOKLESS" and "THOMAS BOOKLESS" were the same person. Kris Salo had an easier time getting a CT license (using Tom's address) . . . and he lives in freaking FRANCE! Bureaucracy at its finest.
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Apparently, one of Viagra's new slogans is "Play hard" (or maybe this is only for those who visit the ESPN website). Oh, that's funny, because it has a double meaning! Ha ha! Sweet lord, can we put an end these dick drug ads (for any pharmaceutical product for that matter), once and for all?
I read this little gem on slate yesterday:
"Yet twice in the last few weeks the Supreme Court has considered whether to hear Hamdan this winter or spring, and twice the justices have declined to say they will do so. Tomorrow, they may discuss the case for a third time. Four-hundred-and-fifty law professors issued a statement on Wednesday urging it to grant review."
450 law professors were in the same room? Damn! Where is a fucking terrorist when you need one?! Hey! Guys! Over there! Strap some C-4 to your ass and get in!
Opening Soon
John Maloney is running for re-election to our town council, and to show he's serious, he's outside the supermarket handing out jar openers that say "he's got a grip on the issues" Get it? A grip . . . jar opener? Eh? Ughhh.
The jar opener says "100 and 1 Uses" on the package. Allow me to list them for you:
1. Jar Opener
umm . . . . . hold on I gotta get the phone . . . . . . . . .ok I'm back, uh where was I? Oh yeah, Jar Opener, did I mention that one already?
Gimme an M!
I hate politicians as a rule, but sometimes election season gives us some fine unintentional comedy. Like Barry Popik's website. Barry is running for Manhattan Borough President, an office HIS OWN website describes as: "largely cheerleaders with press-release machines" Way to aim high Barry! If I'm going to elect a cheerleader for Manhattan it's going to be a blond chick with a nice rack. Then there is this nugget describing his views on important issues:
"We’ll ALL work for seniors. We’ll ALL work women. We’ll ALL work for lesbian and gay issues."
Hey Barry, I'm working the women as hard as I can, but you can't expect the gay men to help out there. Then this:
"Vote for me on November 8th you can find me on both the Republican/Liberal Party line."
A liberal and a republican? That means he will only send your 18 year old boy off to die in a war on illiteracy. See more of Barry's wisdom here.
Marvin's Brain - Bigger Than Pluto
A group of astronomers, (whose collective brainpower is dwarfed by Marvin's) have agreed that Pluto is not a planet. Not big enough, they have concluded. Wow, talk about a demotion. And what do the good people of Pluto now say when asked "What planet are you from?"
Well if that's the case, then I demand Plutonium be renamed "littlefrozenballofspaceshitonium".
While we're on the cigar theme . . . they told me it was a CAMACHO, much to my surprise!
All I could think of while seeing the Chicago White Sox celebrate their World Series victory was that Jose Contreras must have got them some great Cuban cigars for the celebration.
At the very least it don't suck. Hey, would I be this happy if it really wasn't good?
I was pretty banged up at this party. I just kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking.
The ad below is for Yahoo! SpamGuard. I don't know what the picture has to do with software that helps block unwanted email solicitations. I imagine they were going for a subliminal message here. Whatever it is, I'm allergic to rabbits, so it didn't really work for me.
I can't imagine that there are people out there who would choose a mortgage lender solely because of this web ad:
Hey, look! Monkeys! They're so funny, and they'd never steer me wrong when it comes to 30 year fixed rate loans!
This post is a long time coming, but this is something we noticed while at the Baseball Hall of Fame a few weeks ago: the more words engraved on your HOF plaque, the less of a player you were. For instance, take a look at Babe Ruth's HOF plaque vs. Ozzie Smith's:
GEORGE HERMAN (BABE) RUTH
BOSTON - NEW YORK A.L.; BOSTON, N.L.
1915-1935
GREATEST DRAWING CARD IN HISTORY OF
BASEBALL. HOLDER OF MANY HOME RUN
AND OTHER BATTING RECORDS. GATHERED
714 HOME RUNS IN ADDITION TO FIFTEEN
IN WORLD SERIES.
OSBORNE EARL SMITH
"Ozzie" "The Wizard"
SAN DIEGO, N.L., 1978-1981
ST. LOUIS, N.L., 1982-1996
REVOLUTIONIZED DEFENSIVE PLAY AT SHORTSTOP WITH HIS ACROBATIC
FIELDING AND ARTISTIC TURNING OF DOUBLE PLAYS. THE 13-TIME GOLD
GLOVE WINNER SET SIX MAJOR LEAGUE FIELDING RECORDS AMONG
SHORTSTOPS, INCLUDING MOST ASSISTS, DOUBLE PLAYS AND CHANCES
ACCEPTED. AN EFFECTIVE OFFENSIVE PLAYER, HE ACCUMULATED 2,460
HITS AND STOLE 580 BASES. NAMED TO 15 ALL-STAR TEAMS. HIS
RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF PERFECTION HELPED LEAD THE CARDINALS TO
THREE WORLD SERIES, INCLUDING A 1982 CHAMPIONSHIP. HIS
CONGENIAL PERSONALITY, CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONALISM AND
TRADEMARK BACK FLIP MADE "THE WIZARD" A FAN FAVORITE.
One of them was arguably the greatest baseball player ever, for which few words are needed. The other had a "trademark backflip", the most "chances accepted" (?) for a shortstop, and was "an effective offensive player", among a litany of other marginal accomplishments. Which means "he didn't suck", I guess. Look, they're both worthy of being in the Hall, but it's as if more words were needed to convince you that Ozzie belongs there. As Bookless said, "How about that thing he did for UNICEF? That's gotta count for something, right?"
What part of Noah did you not understand?
by Jeff K
This rain better stop
Or I'm pairing you all up
And building an ark
Because wine, lager and trendy alcoholic beverages are cutting into parent company Diageo's sales of Guinness, the Guinness Brewery has produced a "mellower" Guinness called Brew 39, to be available in Dublin pubs for 6 months as part of their "Brewhouse Series". What will it taste like?
"Guinness has a burnt, chocolaty, slightly harsh quality," said Sheehy, at the St. James Gate headquarters of Guinness, near the River Liffey in Dublin. "We have given Brew 39 a smoother, clean taste . . . The new stout uses less roast unmalted barley, which gives Guinness its bitter taste and dry palette. Also, hops are added at the end of the process which also reduces bitterness on the tongue"
That was going to be my guess, that they'd alter the roasting process. I don't know, but it seems like every time they mess with Guinness, it usually fails. The public hasn't warmed up to their recent Guinness Extra Cold, and the last time I checked, they stopped making Guinness Gold, Guinness Light, and Guinness XXX Extra Strong Stout.
My question is: if they insist on making new versions of Guinness, why don't they just call it something else? Call it something trendy like "Black Bull", "Velvet Revolver" or "G to the E", and say it's brought to you by the Guinness Brewery. Why taint the Guinness name? This quote was spot on:
"The answer isn't to mess about with the product, but rather invest in marketing the traditional heritage of the product," said Gerard Rijk, a beverage analyst at ING Financial Markets in Amsterdam, who has a 'buy' rating on Diageo. "Versions with cherries aren't the answer."
Meh. As long as they still make "Guinness Classic", I'll be okay.
Okay, this is a little weird. In a recent ad campaign in Belgium, UNICEF has decided to bomb the shit out of the Smurfs, "to highlight the plight of ex-child soldiers in Africa" and hope to increase donations. 
Out of an idyllic blue sky dotted with birds and butterflies come warplanes that carpet-bomb the Smurfs' forest village, killing Smurfette, leaving Baby Smurf wailing in distress and sending Papa Smurf and the others bolting for cover.
The NHL is back, in case anyone was wondering. There are some new rules, but Barry Melrose still has the same old mullet. I was hoping Martha Burk's opposition to the new ads would force them to show the games without commercials, like the Masters a few years back, but no such luck. They do have a new logo, though, which I wouldn't have noticed unless the website was so proud of it.
Old vs. New:
So that's what they were doing for the past year and a half! Oh yes, that's much better! Silver and black instead of orange, and the letters are angled upward, the direction the league wants to go! It's basically a spit-shined version of the the old logo, like they removed the rust and went to town with the silver polish. But all I can think of is "Raiders". Anyway, a better logo should translate into a better on-ice game, right? They probably paid an advertising agency a bazillion dollars for this. Bottom line: your old hockey jersey is now obsolete, because it doesn't have the NHL logo on it.
Remember to tune into OLN (Obscure Little Network) tonight, if you can. OLN: The Channel You Didn't Know You Had. Oh wait, I don't have it, so I'll be watching the New Jersey Devils vs. the Pittsburgh Crosbys on FOX Sports Net, before that gets blacked out too.
(A Lemieux vs. Brodeur shootout wouldn't be a bad way to start things off . . . )
Just once I would like to see someone hit David Ortiz with a pitch. Well, as it turns out that's exactly the amount of times it's happened this season. Big Papi, who digs in and crowds the plate during every at bat for the Red Sox, has only been hit by a pitch once. Derek Jeter has been hit 3 times by the Red Sox pitchers alone (8 total). Oh, and by the way, I said it on August 8th and I still believe that Joe Torre should be Manager of the Year, for guiding this deeply flawed and oft-injured 2005 Yankees team to win the AL East.
Why is everything I want always on the bottom shelf? Okay, maybe because I'm freakishly tall, it just seems like that. But more often than not, stores put the "XL" underwear on the bottom, and the "S" on the top. Think, people, think!
I love driving directions that tell you to "turn before" you get to a particular landmark. For example: "Make a right before you get to the old barn." Well, if I've never been there, how would I know where the old barn is BEFORE I get to it? Unless it's a huge landmark (like the Empire State Building), or the only thing you can see on the horizon, this almost guarantees that you're going to make the person have to turn around.
In the completely irrelevant news of the week, Ashton Kutcher married Demi Moore. I couldn't think of two people who deserve to be together more than these two. Now I can avoid all of their work as a couple, to save time. The question is: which one of them just got Punk'd? I think Jay Leno should buy that joke from me, it's that good.
Here's a great headline: Blake Says He Didn't Have Anyone Kill Wife. Because he did it himself! ZING! (Hey Jay, you could use that last one for your crappy "headlines" bit!) Ironically, this quote from the rambling Robert Blake comes on the 10th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson "not guilty" verdict. It's said that everyone remembers where they were when it was announced on TV; as for me, I distinctly recall that I was nowhere near a TV. Yeah, I made it a point to avoid the media coverage of this case, because I didn't want it to effect my opinion of "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad".
President W has announced that he's nominated his White House lawyer, Harriet Myers, to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court, even though she has no judicial experience. She was quoted as saying, "Oh no, I'm not a judge. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Buy those last three jokes, Mr. Leno, and you get a discount (I prefer PayPal).
This past Friday was the inaugural 1st Annual Lazy Friday: a round of golf during the day, and several rounds of quality beer afterwards at Lazy Boy Saloon in White Plains, NY. We hope to do it again next year sometime in the early fall, and maybe sign on some more people to join us. Anyway, the LZB Saloon advertises that they have over 350 beers (a typo on their site says "35" . . . interesting), but I think they're hoping someone won't call them out on that. However that's exactly what we did, much to the bartender's chagrin. Rob ordered about 5 beers in a row which were on the menu, but they didn't have in stock in their basement refrigerator. It got to the point where the bartender was tired of going downstairs and looking, and she took the menu away from us. We weren't the typical "Friday happy hour" customers, since most people were ordering Miller Lites and Heinkens. But we did get to sample a few tasty brews. Here's some of what we tried (with its Ratebeer.com rating in parentheses):
Hacker Pschorr Octoberfest Lager (2.87/5)
Blue Moon Belgian White Ale (3.07/5)
Paulaner Octoberfest (3.46/5)
Brooklyn Brewmaster's Reserve - Saison de Brooklyn
Fuller's London Porter (4.10/5)
Fuller's 1845 (3.88/5)
Delirium Tremens Ale (3.58/5)
The Fuller's London Porter was the best one that I had, a great smoky, chocolatey porter that was truly satisfying. The Delirium Tremens, a Belgian ale, was also excellent. Among the beers on their menu that they didn't have: Stone Smoked Porter, Rogue Shakespeare Stout, Ayinger Octoberfest, and Hand Pulled Fuller's. We finished up the night with a few light beers next door at James Joyce: Guinness, to be more precise. All in all, it was a good night. We're going to try the rest of the beers they have next time we visit (ha ha). Someday we should trek over to Brooklyn for Happy Hour . . .
We asked about the Westvleteren beers on the menu, but they didn't even bother to look for those, and for good reason. The Beer Advocate and Rate Beer websites agree that the Westvleteren Abt 12 is the best beer on the planet. Now I know why it's so treasured: it's impossible to get your hands on it. Here's the info on the beers made at the brewery of the abbey of Saint Sixtus of Westvleteren.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Westvleteren Trappist* is exclusively sold in the abbey from 10 am to 12 am and from 2 pm to 5 pm.
WARNING: There is no trade on Fridays, Sundays, official holidays, from January 1st to 14th and the week after the third Sunday of September. Due to the limited production we cannot always sell all kinds of Trappist beer. Just get informed by our beer phone.
We sell per crate of 24 bottles. The prices (without empty bottle charge) are:
Trappist Westvleteren Blonde (5,8 vol.% alc.) 19.00 euro
Trappist Westvleteren 8 (8 vol.% alc.) 23.80 euro
Trappist Westvleteren 12 (10,2 vol.% alc.) 27.00 euro
Empty bottles and crate: charge 6.5 EUR (crate 4.10 EUR, 0.10 EUR per bottle). Empties are only taken back when undamaged. The wooden crates should be kept in a dry place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Westvleteren Trappist is only sold to individual customers. Every customer promises not to sell the beer to others. One can drink the beer in the meeting centre 'De Vrede', in front of the abbey. In this room visitors are informed about the brewery and the brewing process .
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All accept the lager beer, Trappist beer can be conserved for years. If given time, the beer continues ripening. Bottles should be kept in vertical position in a dark place, in a temperature between 12C and 16C.
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"As every man we must be able to live. So we have to try to earn our living and let others share in what we have to abstain from. Indeed, we have to live 'from' and 'with' our brewery. But we do not live 'for' our brewery. This must be strange for business people and difficult to understand that we do not exploit our commercial assets as much as we can. We are no brewers. We are monks. We brew beer to be able to afford being monks."
Father abbot
(on the occasion of the consecration of the new brewery)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*The name 'Trappist beer' is protected by law and can only be applied to beer brewed by trappist monks in their monastery. Among all Belgian beers only six are allowed to use the name of Trappist Beer: Achel, Chimay, Orval, Rochefort, Westmalle and Westvleteren. Only these six beers are brewed in a Trappist Abbey.
Yankee baseball player Derek Jeter has been sent a threatening letter, that allegedly accused him of being a "traitor to his race" for dating white women, and warned him "to stop or he'll be shot or set on fire". Jeter's mother is white and his father is black, making him "bi-racial" (or whatever the official PC term is). So which race is he a traitor to exactly? Whom is he allowed to date? I'm not following. Not only is this a threatening letter, it's also moronic. You know, it's idiots like this that make ALL racists look bad. If you're going to be a racist, at least take a few minutes to check your facts.
(I think that means "dust".)
Congratulations to Kris and Julie Salo, who got married in France on Saturday, September 24, 2005. Someone once said (maybe Jimmy Kimmel on "The Man Show", but I'm not sure of that) that it's not so much a wedding but a penis funeral . . . but I'm not going to say that here. Well, Kris has already determined that this site is Rated R, so maybe I WILL say it . . . nah, I won't. Where's the "erase" button? All I see is "pig up", "ca-tarl"? All this hacking is making me thirsty, I think I'll order a tab (hits 'Tab' key). Okay, enough comedy jokes!
Best wishes to the two of them.
FRANKFURT, Germany (AP) - Singer-songwriter Tom Waits said Thursday he has filed a lawsuit against a unit of automaker General Motors Corp. and a German advertising agency for allegedly using a soundalike in a series of European ads.
The 55-year-old singer, whose distinct, gravelly voice has won him two Grammy awards, filed the civil suit this week with a state court in Frankfurt, listing Adam Opel AG and the advertising firm McCann Erickson as the defendants. Andreas Schumacher, Waits' German lawyer, said the singer was approached numerous times about doing the ads last year, but declined, citing a policy of not doing commercials. He said the firm then hired a soundalike and the ads aired earlier this year in Sweden, Finland, Denmark and Norway.
"We have sent copies of the lawsuit to McCann Erickson and Opel," Schumacher said. Waits is seeking damages and any profits derived from the ads for violating his personality rights, Schumacher said.
"Apparently the highest compliment our culture grants artists nowadays is to be in an ad - ideally naked and purring on the hood of a new car. I have adamantly and repeatedly refused this dubious honor," Waits said in a statement. "While the court can't make me active in radio, I am asking it to make me radioactive to advertisers."
Ralf Specht, the manager of McCann Erickson in Frankfurt, said the agency spoke with Waits in May and had changed the music in the ad campaign. He said the company had not gotten a copy of the lawsuit yet. An Opel spokesman said he couldn't comment because the company had not received a copy of the lawsuit, either.
Waits' albums include the Grammy-winning "Bone Machine" and "Mule Variations." As an actor, he has appeared in "The Outsiders," "The Fisher King" and "Bram Stoker's Dracula."
I frequently find myself in a rant-rut at this time of the year. My complaints and jokes end up being pretty repetitive, not to mention redundant, with the most popular ones being tried and true classics like: "Where did the summer go?", "Why does everything have to be about marketing?", "Why does anyone care what [insert name of actor/celebrity/athlete here] has to say about anything?" and "Why is this jackass in the left lane?" But I'm going to bust this one out earlier than ever before, because I'm being forced to. While I was driving home on Wednesday, and I heard a radio commercial for the "Radio City Christmas Spectacular". You have GOT to be shitting me. It's September 7th! Do you think they're giving us ample time to formulate our holiday entertainment schedules? I just hope all the tickets haven't been sold yet!
THE 500 CLUB
As all the fun is being systematically sucked out of every major league sport, there's something so completely ordinary about all the teams I've been rooting for lately. Between the unproven Eli Manning leading the Giants, the lackluster Mets' leaning too heavily on Pedro to bring them to the promised land, and the Devils losing their two most notable defensemen, there's a really good chance that all of them are going to finish their respective seasons with a 50% winning percentage. Yes, the dreaded "500 Club", which leaves the fan with nothing really positive or negative to say. They're not good, they're not bad, they're at .500. It's the "meh" of team accomplishments. But I'm okay with it, because it insures that I won't lose sleep over it, or waste time on it. Going into the season, if I expect the team to lose as much as they win, it allows me to not really care too much about it. So as we kick off another NFL season, all I can say is "LET'S GO . . . meh."
THE ORIGINAL . . . THREE?
Since "hockey" is in the name of this blog, I just thought I'd mention that according to the NHL 2005-2006 schedule, the Detroit Red Wings do not play Boston, Toronto, or Montreal at all this year. That's right, they only play half of the Original Six teams, because of the new emphasis on division games; to fill the void, they play their bitter rivals, the Columbus Bluejackets, EIGHT TIMES. In fact, they don't even have to travel to the Northeast once all season, the closest they get is in Washington. Which brings me back to my original point, that the NHL is really doing all it can to WIN THE FANS BACK! Welcome to the new NHL! Good work, Bettman, you fucking moron.
CHARITY DISPARITY
I just wanted to give "big ups" to the United Way of New Orleans, for their massive 14.2% overhead that they deduct from all Hurricane Katrina (and other) donations, which has garnered them a two star/42.07 rating (4 star/0-70 scales, respectively). And also I would be remiss if I didn't say thanks to PayPal, for making a $0.30/2.9% profit on every donation processed through their website. It's great to see that despite a complete catastrophe, the American enterpreneurial capitalism machine is still alive and well!
Mea culpa runneth over.
I’ve heard enough apathetic apologies, and I’m tired of them. With pneumatic regularity, some politician /actor /high profile person makes a statement that he or she believes to have merit, only to find that someone’s feelings have been hurt, and thus an apology must be issued, usually through the “publicist” When is someone going to grow some balls and say, “I said what I meant, screw anyone whose delicate sensitivities were harmed” The latest came from David Well, who “apologized” for his tirade against baseball’s commissioner and his incompetent office. Never mind that his apology was tepid at best, the fact is that Bud Selig is a joke of a commissioner and deserved a public verbal flogging. Wells of course said he was “sorry” and he “made a mistake”. Bullshit. A mistake is trying to carry the water hazard when you should have laid up. Wells has been flapping his fat gums about every topic for his entire adult life. It’s what he does. To apologize for saying what you really think is the definition of cowardice.
Government Failure in
The disaster in
I agree with the media on one count, there was a failure of government in
Thank you Rob for pointing out that my profile was overly explict in terms of displaying my gender. I have corrected this.
Have any of you looked at the information that they want in this section? Yep, like I'm going to give my email address to everyone who happens to click on this blog.
I know, this post is weak...I need a fucking vacation; so much so that I can't even think of witty remarks to place here. Ugh!
Hey, am I missing something, or does Kris Salo's "complete profile" seem to consist solely of the rather mundane fact that he is a male?
It's getting to be a bit much, listining to a Yankees radio broadcast. Everything is accompanied by a promo now. The "Seagrams 7 bottom of the fifth", The "Tyson Farms Fowl Ball", the "Victorias Secrets E-Z Removal Bra first out" The "NFL Replithentic Jersey Throwback to the pitcher". When is it going to end?
I was on line at the food store today. More accurately, I was on several lines. First, the 10 items or less line, until I realized it was "cash only". Over to the 15 items or less line, which didn't move for for the entire duration of the instrumental version of Madonna's "Borderline". Over to the 20 item line, currently being clogged by a pair of lard-asses buying nothing but soda. I was going to give them a good toungue lashing, but then realized they may just be stocking up for a BBQ this Labor Day weekend. Next line over is nearly empty, so I skip over to it, and needless to say the cashier is moving at the speed of a glacier. I'm ready to explode at this point, and then I think, well if I was doing his job, for minimum wage, I wouldn't be working very hard either. Then I think, I have my job which pays considerably more, and I don't work very hard. So how can I be angry with him? The point of all this is, bring cash to the store.
I have a blog of my own now. After thinking about it, I didn't want to give my family the link to this baby, it's a bit on the edge for them. So, without further ado I present you my blog: "Arbitrary and Biased" (I was looking for a good name for a while, and decided to do antonyms of Fox News).
This, as I mentioned in my post on the site, is goign to be more of a "family-friendly" format. Less porn and more socially acceptable things like Bush bashing. I'll be giving the link to my family so I will keep the words suck as fuck, shit and cunt under wraps. Feel free to comment on any of my stuff, I always look forward to Rob totally destroying one of my opinions or Karl going off on a tangent that is the size of Texas.
Anyway, hope you all check it out.
A couple nights ago, the Yanks handily beat the
On to the next topic, my underwear. I noticed today while I was taking one of my many, many bathroom breaks at work, that my Jockey boxer briefs are labeled M/M/M, which indicates, in 3 languages (English, French, Spanish) that they are medium. I submit that there could simply be one M, and the reader of the tag could interpret it as he sees fit. This tri-lingual underwear labeling is just another instance of the enormous consumer benefits of NAFTA, yet some people still point to minor nuisances, like massive economic strife, tidal waves of illegal immigration and lawlessness in US-Mexico border towns, in their derision of the illegal and perverse legislation. Some people just don’t get it.
The French now think they have proof that Lance Armstrong used EPO, a performance enhancing drug, during his first tour victory. Never mind that every protocol in drug testing was ignored. After all this time, you would think the one thing the French could do is be gracious losers.
From the NY Daily News: Goldman Sachs Group Inc. agreed on Tuesday to build a $2 billion world headquarters near the
The deal came after months of negotiations with state and city officials who dropped plans to build a tunnel near the site after the firm objected and lured it with $1.6 billion in post-Sept. 11 Liberty Bonds.
Bless those Goldman Sachs boys. If anyone needs a 1.6 billion dollar handout, it’s those hardworking, minimum wage making bond traders.
Well, OLN is now the official station of the NHL. I guess they're really committed to this, and even though apparently don't have the HD channel in place yet, they should have it up soon.
This is the official party line from the OLN site:
The partnership between OLN, Comcast and the NHL will redefine the sport for hockey viewers. More action on video on demand (VOD), in HDTV and online will create an experience like never before, including:
• VOD game highlights and library footage of hockey’s greatest moments with full fast-forward, rewind and replay capability;
• HDTV game coverage in a crisper, faster-moving, more exciting game for hockey fans every week;
• Online streaming of two live games per night (subject to local blackout), broadband highlights, commentary, and library footage;
• Round-the-clock coverage on the NHL Network, to be launched in the US in the future; and
• Comcast will have the ability to carry and/or syndicate additional games on Comcast’s regional sports networks where it has the consent of the local team and team’s rights holder.
Very interesting, mostly the NHL Network and broadband extras (it should be free "online streaming", but we'll see). I hope they don't screw this up, and turn it into NASCAR or the WWE or something.
After attending the second round of the 2005 PGA Championship this past Friday, I have to say the overall experience was outstanding. The Baltusrol Low Course in Springfield, NJ, was a simply gorgeous, well layed out course (not at all 'hokey'). The sight lines for spectators were great on most holes (in my case, it certainly didn't hurt being tall). Despite the 96° heat (which we quickly got used to), the worst part of the day was enduring the shuttle bus from the Meadowlands. Although we never had to wait, it was just an interminably long ride, taking about 50 minutes to travel 20 miles. It turned out that there were plenty of places to park around the course (including Rob's cousin's house)--oh well. But despite the gaping security hole we walked through upon entering, and the two will-call windows over a mile apart having disparate policies about 'holding tickets', it turned out to be a great day.
Despite their appearance on TV, in person Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, and John Daly look skinnier, smaller, and fatter, respectively. It's simply amazing (and humbling) to see these guys drive the ball up close: a nice smooth swing, a sound like a rifle shot at impact, and the ball is drilled into a mini-orbit re-entering the earth's atmosphere over 300 yards away. I clearly don't play the same game as these guys, even though we both call it "golf". Not only that, but they have to hit every shot with thousands of motionless fans staring at them in complete silence, which they're probably used to but I would find unnerving (I think I would prefer the din of 70,000 screaming fans while lining up a field goal, if I had the choice). 
After witnessing the "Phil love-fest" in person, I have to say that it's kind of creepy. Yeah, I understand that he's a likeable guy who smiles a lot, and acknowledges the fans even in the midst of a competition, and people respond to that. However, they show their admiration by shouting out his name before and after every shot he takes: "Phil!" "Phil!" "Phil!" is all you hear as he walks around, like hundreds of squawking parrots only taught one word. He must hear his own name thousands of times a day--it's very odd. And although the money is nice, I would not want to be Tiger or Phil. I would much rather be somewhere in the top 20, quietly making more money than God, but less than the head Nike/Buick spokesman; I could live in anonymity and still be respected on the Tour, and not be bothered while trying to play golf. Someone like Sean O'Hair, who is #16 on the money list (with a cool $2M), but you couldn't pick him out of a lineup.
My overall impression of golf fans was that they're well-behaved, funny and knowledgeable. I suppose it's an extension of the laid-back country club atmosphere, and the fact that the athletes aren't hitting each other or drawing any blood. It seemed to me that there are two basic groups of people in the crowd at these events: 'golf' fans and 'celebrity' fans. The celebrity fans follow guys like Tiger, Daly, and Phil around the whole course, whereas the golf fans go from hole-to-hole to try to see the whole course and as many players as possible. We were in that second group, which I think was the right choice; as we stayed a few holes removed from the "Tiger wave", we got to see almost every hole and avoided the big crowds (and also avoided getting hit by a tree limb). Most of the "golf" fans were pretty sarcastic about those who were "celebrity" fans (we'll call them "Tiger hunters"), which I appreciated. Of course, there are also people who just stay in the air conditioned Wanamaker Club or the "corporate chalets" and don't actually get close to the action, but we won't discuss them.
Best player name: Richard Johnson. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, PGA tour pro "Big" Dick Johnson! You can't write these jokes, they write themselves. Though, I probably shouldn't have said that out loud just as he was hitting his approach shot.
Best player moment: seeing Jerry Kelly hole out for birdie from the right green side bunker on the 9th hole, finishing all alone in 2nd place after two rounds, and garnering the coveted "Foster's Shot of the Day".
Worst player moment: Ian Poulter, with his nifty Union Jack slacks, almost spraying us with sand on the 9th, after slamming his wedge into the ground and dropping an F-bomb after he was unable to spin the ball to his liking.
Close call: I saw a guy almost spill four cups of beer at the PGA (potentially a very expensive accident), but then we figured it was probably only Miller. As Rob pointed out, "He spilled almost beer." But then I realized that since he never bought beer in the first place, it was therefore impossible for him to spill beer. Dodged a bullet there.
To sum up, the 87th PGA Championship at Baltusrol was golftacular!
This is pretty sad.
If Comcast gets the rights, it could air games on its "Outdoor Life Network".
WTF? Are you kidding? First of all, I don't even GET that channel. Second, it's a goddamn Canadian channel. Third, would that mean they'd have to play all the games outdoors, like that Edmonton/Calgary game a few years ago?
If you are going to see U2 on their current tour get to know this refrain; you're going to need it...
Hello, Hello
Hola!
I'm at a place called Vertigo (¿Dónde está?)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
But you give me something I can feel
Feel
So we saw U2 on Friday...I was waiting to try to get some camera phone photos to send, but my co-viewers aren't being good about transferring these to their computers.
Anyway, snap judgement: A lot of people need "more" in their lives. People are fucking insane about this group; they are very good, and very good in concert, but man, get a freaking life. There were so many people just awed to be there. I don't know, maybe it's the ultimate cynic in me that causes me to be jaded by such affairs.
But it was a lot of fun. We had great places (look for the red circle):
For a middle-aged band they can still rock pretty well; even if they played Vertigo to open AND CLOSE the show. Bono's a preachy bastard that tends to have a number of inconsistencies in his "statements" and obviously doesn't care if they people listen to him or not. It's a really interesting sociological test to see how bands react with crowds that don't understand a bloody word that comes out of their mouths. Bono just pressed on like he was talking at a Save Africa, or Amnesty International meeting in Dublin or London.
Plus the fact that he has us pay sums of money to give to him (and the group) for the show and then urges us at the concert to send a 34 cent text message to "Help Africa." I would be much more impressed if he acknowledged the money he got from the show and said he would be donating X amount of the proceeds to help cure malaria or AIDS or whatever the hell he wants to cure.
But hey, private citizen Bono can do whatever he wants and charge whatever he wants for his albums and his concert tickets. And he has every right to make whatever political statement he wants, as confused and inconsistent as it may be. But he can't make me do one little thing.
Kammann Came Back with the Following:
That's right, I said it. I'm pretty much done with it. You can't root for these guys anymore because half of them have cheated, or continue to cheat, and when they get caught they don't admit it, saying it was "unintentional" or claiming ignorance. (When Jose Canseco and Pete Rose are the most honest and credible former players out there, I'd call that a serious problem.) On top of that, most of the players only play when they feel like it (or when they're due for a new contract), and are either ornery assholes or moody divas. So you try to root for your favorite team, but they constantly let you down because they never live up to the preseason hype, and make dubious moves just to fill the seats. And the only reason the MLB Extra Innings TV package is good is because every game gets boring and unwatchable after about 10 minutes, so you just switch to one of the other 12 games, and hope for the best. I can't watch it anymore. And I can't believe I'm already getting interested in the NFL (which I will be complaining about soon after it begins). Over time, my interest in these sports ebbs until eventually the flow ceases altogether; it's a viscous cycle.
Someone said to me "Hey, Manny was almost a Met!" My reply to that was, "Yeah, and I was almost a Met, too!" There was an equal chance of that happening, because the "Manny trade rumors" last week were all calcuated bullshit, expertly scripted by the Red Sox front office. Manny was unhappy, Manny wasn't playing hard, Manny wants to be traded, boo-freaking-hoo. So knowing he's a temperamental headcase, they "talked" to a few teams, without ever planning on trading him EVEN FOR A SECOND, then they go back to him and say "we love you, we need you, and we realized that we don't want to lose you, please stay, big guy!", like encouraging a 12 year old who almost runs away from home. They even scratched him from the lineup on the day of the trade deadline, after he was being booed the day before. Then once the deadline passed and he was told he wasn't being traded, they put him to pinch hit in the 8th. Predictably, he gets the game winning hit, and the Fenway fans go crazy (suckers). So everyone's happy, it's a big love fest. Pure theater, and pure bullsh!t (like Schilling's fake-blood red sock). It was all just a ploy to make him feel wanted and happy again, so he'll go on another tear and lead them into the playoffs (he's batting .563 since he was "almost" traded, with 3 HR and 11 RBI). I have to admit that the Red Sox have something that they've never had: a smart front office. GM Theo Epstein is the man--well, boy, no . . . he's the man-child of the year.
That being said, Joe Torre should be the manager of the year. I don't care what anyone says, because if you told me before the season started that: 1. he'd be trotting out Al Leiter (39), Kevin 'Mordecai Three Fingers' Brown (40), Randy Johnson (41) and Mike Mussina (36), (who have to be the oldest starters lined up for 4 consecutive starts in baseball history); 2. Chien-Ming Wang, Aaron Small and Shawn Chacon would come in to help out, and 3. Jeter would be producing less runs than the Mets' Jose Reyes, I would have predicted that they'd be at least 15 games under .500 and out of the race. But they're not, in fact they have a good chance to win the division or the wild card. Hard to believe.
On the flipside, Terry Francona (Red Sox) and Mike Scioscia (Angels) are the worst managers in the league. They have so much talent (Red Sox are #1 in hitting, Angels are #4 in ERA, in all of baseball), they just have to get out of the way and let them play. If they CAN'T win with the talent they have, they shouldn't get paid. Sorry, I don't mean to be so anti-Scioscia, but that's how I am.
(I apologize, I thought of that last joke while in the car this weekend, and I had to let it out somehow.)
This just in: Rafael Palmiero, who adamantly denied using steriods in front of the U.S. Congress back in March, has been suspended for 10 days for violating MLB's steroid policy. He now says "I have never intentionally used steroids". I'm practically numb from all the steroids talk now that I'm not surprised or shocked by any of it. But just don't lie to me. I don't believe for a second that any of these guys, who rely on their bodies for their livelihood, "didn't know what they were putting in their bodies". How stupid do you think we are? I have no respect for these guys. I really have to visit the Baseball Hall Of Fame before guys like this are inducted and the whole thing becomes a farce.
[A side-note: Kenny Rogers gets a 20 day suspension for pushing a cameraman, but Raffi only gets 10 days for sticking a syringe in his ass filled with an illegal substance? That doesn't seem right.]
By the end of August, because of the new CBA and salary cap structure, the rosters of the 30 NHL teams you know (and love?) are going to look quite different. For the most part, that's a good thing, because it will balance things out and hopefully make the league more competitive. Last week there were a few big name contract buy-outs (Amonte, LeClair, Holik), but the real free agency craziness starts today. Just released, here's the full list of NHL free agents, players who may or may not be changing uniforms before the season begins. The phone lines are open! Let's make a deal!
The good news for the players is that Bob Goodenow resigned as head of the NHL Players Association. Although everyone says the original deal in February was better (which is debateable, but it seems to be the consensus), he still talked them into throwing away the entire season instead of trying to negotiate and salvage it. Do you think he said to himself, "Well, my work here is done!" as he wrote his letter of resignation? Maybe he's decided to accept a job at Enron, or become the head of the WNBA--who knows? I just don't see Chris Chelios and Jeremy Roenick sending this guy a Christmas card this year.
ESPN Page 2's Bill Simmons wrote an article about the return of hockey, and actually agreed with me on one count, saying that during the lockout he was hoping that some teams would fold and some move back to Canada, leaving only 24 teams (which unfortunately didn't happen). He also mocked Gary Bettman, saying that he's so inept he couldn't even fix the draft lottery to make sure #1 pick Sidney Crosby ended up on a big market team (a point Rob made, when the flailing Rangers' odds inexplicably were made worse). Bettman was brought in here as a marketing guy, and all that's happened on his watch is: overexpansion of the league, bloated player salaries that the revenue couldn't support, and no TV deal. Let's read that last one again: a marketing guy couldn't get his league a television deal. Way to go, genius! I understand why the owners' like him, but I can't believe they're sticking with this guy. I still think Gretzky should take over in some sort of bloodless coup.
Everyone is expecting that the new CBA will allow ticket prices to drop, but that's not going to happen in every market. Locally, I've seen the owners make tiny gestures, like giving away free Rangers tickets to people waiting in line all day, and decreasing season ticket packages by 10% and throwing in a personalized jersey. For most people, that's pretty useless. Most of the discounts I've seen only affect season ticket holders, or those who opted for a refund from last season; the common fan (like me) who is only going to attend a handful of games is not affected at all. So far, only a few teams have discounted single game ticket prices, like Toronto (5% decrease) and Colorado (10% decrease), but for the most part the working-class fans will still be priced out.
Oh well. For better or worse, hockey's back.
Thanks to the Smoking Gun for the titles (I really couldn't do better).
The Smoking Gun, always on the cutting edge of bizarre and wacky law enforcement activities, has procured the Admissible and Prohibitable items under Canada's "Border Services Agency."
The job of this Agency is basically to screen porn and other potentially offense and/or profane material and give it an entrance or denial of entrance stamp. Tangently, how the hell does an American go about becoming a Canadian Civil Servant? how do you say Civil Service Exam in Quebecois? The good news is they are looking for a Director of Industry and Trade. He/she must have editorial review of these goods.
For people too lazy to follow TSG link (although I highly recommend it), I will quote some of the highlights; both mine and TSG's.
Admitted:
Prohibited:
Feel free to add your favorites in the comments section below.
ABC has been showing commercials for "NFL Kickoff 2005" for roughly the last two weeks, which I believe is not until Sept. 8th. That's right, we are being subjected to the frightening sight that is John Madden's huge head, about 2 months before we should have to. And if that's not crazy enough for you, I went into the mall yesterday and they already have the Christmas decorations up! Okay, I made that last part up.
Anyway, my short answer is: No, I am not ready for some football. Please go away.
I'll say it again: terrestrial radio both sucks AND blows. The latest offender in the NYC market is a thing called "Jack", which has just usurped longtime oldies station CBS 101.1 FM (which I didn't listen to either). The New York Times has informed me that it's just one of 18 automated, soulless stations that features the same taped voiceover actor making witty quips between the "hits" from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. There are also "Bob" (hits) and "Hank" (country hits) stations across the country I'm told. God help us. This whole "Jack" thing started in Vancouver, so we can blame Canada.
Meanwhile, I've been listening more and more to internet radio stations, in particular, WOXY.com. They started broadcasting in Cincinnati in 1982 as independent FM rock station until they couldn't break even anymore, and then became an internet-only venture. They might be the first station to do that. Anyway, I don't care if you listen since it might not be your cup of latte (they also have WOXY Vintage, if you'd prefer to be stuck in the 80s), but I thought I'd mention them since they like people linking to their site. I guess it increases awareness and their web traffic, which through some e-magic, ultimately leads to more money, which is always good. Now, if they could only get these guys on Sirius satellite radio, I might cave in and buy it . . . 
The NHL lockout is over, if they ratify this deal (and if they know what's good for them, they should). Well, it's about freaking time. Goodenow and Bettman didn't quit, but you can't have everything . . .
This just in: I couldn't give a flying crap about tonight's All-Star Game! It's probably because of overexposure, with ESPN Baseball Tonight and SportsCenter, a thousand internet sports web sites, fantasy leagues, the satellite TV baseball packages, and something like 15 MLB games on ESPN and FOX every week . . . I mean, you can't escape these guys. It used to be a novelty, but now there's nothing interesting about the All-Star Game, because we've already seen them all play, and with interleague play and rampant free agent moves, they've already gone head-to-head dozens of times. Meh.
So who really cares? Pedro Martinez, the only deserving Mets player, surely doesn't so he's skipping it, and I can't blame him (he gave his cash bonus to charity). So the starters for this game are Mark Buerhle and Chris Carpenter. This is supposed to showcase the best players in the league, and that's the best you could do? You've got to be kidding me. I may sound like an old fogey, but the last good pitching matchup was probably back in 1986, Roger Clemens vs. Dwight Gooden, which was an eventual World Series preview. (1999, Pedro vs. Schilling is interesting in retrospect, and also because it was the last time Pedro was dominant.) Oh well.
Apparently, the Home Run Derby was yesterday, though I didn't watch a second of it. The only thing I know is that the "American" representative (they gave it an international twist to publicize their "World Cup of Baseball" or whatever it's called, a horribly bad idea) was someone from Pittsburgh named Jason Bay. Who? The star of "Arrested Development" and "Teen Wolf 2"? Oh, and this "slugger" hit exactly ZERO dingers. USA! USA!
That's why, more than ever, it's time for golf. Thankfully, The British Open Championship starts on Thursday. Set your alarm, because those tee times are early (for everyone except Kris). Too bad it couldn't start today.
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AMERICAN TV TIMES
Thursday, July 14th
TNT: 6:30 - 7 a.m. ET/PT (Preview Show)
TNT: 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. ET/PT
ABC: 1:05 a.m. - 1:35 a.m. ET
Friday, July 15th
TNT: 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. ET/PT
ABC: 1:05 a.m. - 1:35 a.m. ET
Saturday, July 16th
TNT: 7 - 9 a.m. ET / 4 - 6 a.m. PT
ABC: 9:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. ET
ABC: 5 - 6 p.m. ET (Highlights Show)
Sunday, July 17th
TNT: 6 - 8 a.m. ET / 3 - 5 a.m. PT
ABC: 8 a.m. - 1:30 p.m. ET
ABC: 5 - 6 p.m. ET (Highlights Show)
