Thursday, August 31, 2006


The Ryder Cup is 3 weeks away, but The Onion and OHB (Open Hockey Blog) are already all over it!
European Golfers Taking Ryder Cup Way Too Seriously, Says American Squad
August 31, 2006 | Onion Sports

KILDARE, IRELAND — During a press conference yesterday at the K Club, site of the 2006 Ryder Cup, Team U.S.A. captain Tom Lehman said that players on the European squad are "taking this whole international Ryder Cup golf tournament thing way too seriously." "[European captain] Ian Woosnam said he is strategically going to pick and choose which of his players play together, and then try to match them up against us so that we are at a disadvantage—something that, apparently, his players really get into," Lehman said. "Whatever happened to going out there and having a little bit of fun on the golf course? Guy's a tight-ass, I tell you." The U.S. team, which has won only one Ryder Cup in the last five years, reaffirmed that their traditionally poor performance in the event is due both to the inconvenience it poses to their schedules and to "really not giving a shit."

Golfweb has posted their 2006 U.S. Ryder Cup team capsules. That's nice, but here's mine:

1. Tiger Woods (Age: 30/World Rank: No. 1/PGA TOUR wins: 51) - This youngster is a pretty good player, hits ball really far, enjoys taste of opponents' blood.
2. Phil Mickelson (36/2/21) - This hefty lefty has goofy grin, a cute wife and kids, and a tendency to melt like a creamsicle in a muffle furnace under pressure.
3. Jim "Hitch" Furyk (35/4/11) - Accurate shooter but frustrating to watch line up a putt, bionic arm creates unorthodox swing, knows how to get his SRIX ON!
4. Chad "Not Michael" Campbell (31/21/3) - Finished 3rd at Masters, favorite Campbell's Soup is "Grilled Chicken and Sausage Gumbo".
5. David Toms (37/12/12) - I have the least confidence in this guy, he hasn't really looked that great this year.
6. Chris DiMarco (37/13/3) - This guy is pumped! Seriously, he is totally stoked to be in the Ryder Cup! Woo hoo!
7. "Stevie Ray" Vaughn Taylor (30/55/2) - We have a guy named "Vaughn" on the team? Really?
8. J.J. Henry (31/72/1) - Doesn't hit a lot of fairways, doesn't putt well. Same here! Why am I not in the Top 10?
9. Zach Johnson (30/36/1) - Now we also have a "Zach" on the team? "Dude, let me tell you, Zach, Vaughn and I were so wasted at the Spring Fling last year, and this chick comes over who was rushing for Kappa Delta Chi so we started talking and she showed me her back tat, she was hella hot."
10. Brett "Slippery When" Wetterich (33/57/1) - Solid ball striker (308.7 yards per drive-4th), once ate 5 huckleberry pies in one sitting.
CP. Stewart "Kitchen" Cink (33/39/4): After being named Captain's Pick, fought Tiger down the wire at Bridgestone, finally losing on 4th playoff hole.
CP. Scott "Walk" Verplank (42/34/4) - Still uses persimmon wood and feather stuffed sheepskin balls, favorite show: "Matlock".