COL-BEARS

I will be camping this weekend in New Hampshire, where it will probably snow, knowing my luck. Bookless has warned me to "watch out for bears", and yes, I've already packed my bear repellent. Because as you know, according to Stephen Colbert's Threatdown, bears are the #1 threat to our national security.



The hybrid "superbear" cracks me up.

"Once they add in the black bear's ability to climb trees with Teddy Ruxpin's robotic storytelling, they will have created the ULTIMATE WARRIOR."



And now to close the show, it's BEARS ON TRAMPOLINES!



Colbert Report - Bears [Comedy Central]

DEATH OF THE MOVIES

Rob and I were discussing movies at the bar the other day, and we came to the conclusion that there are no must-see actors anymore. As it stands today, there isn't a single actor that, if he or she has a new movie coming out, everyone has to go see. In the 70s, you had Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman, in the 80s, you had Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino and Meryl Streep; in the 90s, Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. But in the 21st century, who is the biggest box office draw? We couldn't even come up with a Top 5 without someone disagreeing about one of the choices. Denzel Washington? Yeah, maybe. Jude Law? Meh. Charlize Theron? Not really. Russell Crowe? Hardly. Ashton Kutcher? Sadly, he's as good a choice as any. I don't have anything else to say, except, uhm . . . I like to shop.

Along those lines, Paul Schrader (Taxi Driver screenwriter) wrote a great article (the intro to which is free) in Film Comment about how movies are no longer what they used to be.

Motion pictures were the dominant art for the 20th century. Movies were the center of social mores, fashion and design, politics—in short, at the center of culture—and, in so being, dictated the terms of their dominance to the other art forms: literature, theater, and painting were all redefined by their relationship to cinema. Movies have owned the 20th century.

It will not be so in the 21st century. Cultural and technological forces are at work that will change the concept of "movies" as we have known them. I don’t know if there will be a dominant art form in this century, and I’m not sure what form audiovisual media will take, but I am certain movies will never regain the prominence they enjoyed in the last century.

So I'm not the only one who thinks this way, movies actually mean less than they used to (of course, it could also be that I'm getting more cynical as I age). As for the 21st century, I wouldn't count out interactive video games as being the next dominant "art form".

"And the Best Game of the Year Oscar goes to . . . MADDEN NFL 2021!"

Paul Schrader "Canon Fodder" [Film Comment]

THE MADDEN CURSE LIVES

Madden has struck again.

I mentioned in my awesome NFL preview that 2005 MVP Shawn Alexander was on the cover of the Madden NFL 07 videogame, and to "expect a torn something" at about midseason. Well, it's Week 3 and he's already broken his foot.

THE MADDEN CURSE LIVES.

WAKE ME UP WHEN THE REBUILDING ENDS

I didn't watch the New Orleans Superdome ESPN Monday Night Football love fest last night, featuring the entire irritating ESPN staff, and music by noted local musicians . . . er, Bono and Billie Joe Armstrong. I'm sorry, but I can't get excited about football returning to NOLA, when half its pre-Katrina residents and businesses haven't returned, hospitals and schools are badly in need of funding, and countless flood damaged buildings have not yet been bulldozed, let alone rebuilt. As it is, the owner was ready to pack up and move the Saints last year, if it weren't for the $185 million dollars he was given to repair the stadium, $115M of which came from FEMA (or more accurately, from U.S. taxpayers).

I know the city wants to use the Superdome as a "symbol of recovery" to give the world the appearance that they're "back", but everyone knows they're in serious trouble. Doesn't anyone realize that sports does NOT save us, it only distracts us from reality for a brief moment? I can't believe I'm typing this sentence, but Spike Lee said it best last night: "It's only for four hours, and then they have to return to their FEMA trailers." (Of course, right after that he said Isaiah Thomas would be the NBA coach of the year, but for a fleeting moment I agreed with him.)

Wake me up when the rebuilding ends.

UPDATE: I just went to the Music Rising site, not realizing until just now that it's raising money to help New Orleans . . . musicians. Uhm, okay. And the aforementioned music montage was awful.

FLAPJACK FLAPJACK FLAPJACK

I'm suddenly hungry for some flapjacks.

2006 RYDER CUP PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA

The 2006 Ryder Cup is here, pitting the best European golfers vs. the best American golfers this weekend, and it should be a great showdown. Here's the deal:

Course Name: The K Club, Straffan, County Kildare, Ireland (weather)
Par: 35-37-72
Distance: 7,335
Ryder Cup history: Started in 1927 as a British vs. U.S. tournament, it was only expanded it in 1973 to incude all of Europe because they got sick of us kicking the bloody crap out of them (The U.S. won 12 out of the first 19, tying once). Since 1973, the U.S. has won 9 out of 16, tying once.

The Teams (Player name and world ranking)

Americans
Chad Campbell (22)
Stewart Cink (21)
Chris DiMarco (17)
Jim Furyk (2)
J.J. Henry (50)
Zach Johnson (33)
Phil Mickelson (4)
Vaughn Taylor (52)
David Toms (19)
Scott Verplank (38)
Brett Wetterich (60)
Tiger Woods (1)

Europeans
Paul Casey (28)
Darren Clarke (34)
Luke Donald (10)
Sergio Garcia (9)
Padraig Harrington (16)
David Howell (14)
Robert Karlsson (20)
Paul McGinley (56)
Colin Montgomerie (13)
Jose Maria Olazabal (18)
Henrik Stenson (11)
Lee Westwood (48)

So how is the U.S. media pumping up the team to help lead them to victory? Here are a few choice headlines:
Sports Illustrated: Too soft to win (Swift)
Golf Digest: The worst U.S. team ever? (Johnny Miller)
ESPN: Woods' anger will lead U.S. team to victory (Gene Wojciechowski)

What? Only ESPN (ugh) has any faith in them, and that's only because Tiger tore into the Irish dirtbag press that printed fake nude photos of his wife. Even SI's Rick Reilly is rooting for the Europeans. That's fantastic! I hope all these sports media douchebags get a chance to eat their words this weekend. Some of the reasons I keep hearing as the reasons why the U.S. can't possibly win:

"The Europeans treat this as a major." Gee, that's nice, considering that they can't win any of the majors over here. I think the last time a Euro won the PGA was 1812 using a sheep's bladder stuffed with feathers. Since this is a 'major' for them, if Monty plays well will they award him a 'pretend' major? They can have a little ceremony where they give him the coveted . . . navy jacket. It will be fabulous!

"This the Europeans' home turf." Home field advantages only matter in true team sports, which this is not. Consider this: at the 2006 Open in Liverpool (in jolly old England, which is part of Europe last time I checked) 3 out of 4 Americans topped the leaderboard. And I believe the St. Andrews (Old Course) can also be considered on their turf, and even though they've all played there Tiger still kicked their asses in 2000 and 2005. While we're at it, let's point out that Americans have won 10 of the past 12 Opens. Uh huh, the Europeans really thrive on their home turf.

"There are few household names on the U.S. team." Sure, and every household in Europe is just buzzing about Henrik Stenson, Robert Karlsson and David Howell! You can't walk down the street without seeing a poster of those guys! Give me a break.

"The Americans are rich and soft." Look up "soft" in the golf dictionary, and you will get a photo of Sergio "Los Pantalones Feos" Garcia. I'm sick of the media and fans coddling him and forever saying, "Oh, he's the best not to win a major." More accurately: he's mentally weak, and one of the most overrated players ever considered by the sports media as being worthy of winning a major. And he wears hideous pants to blind everyone from this fact (please, someone from Adidas give him the nice stuff, I beg you). There I said it.

The only European guy I'm not rooting against is Darren Clarke, but he'll be a non-factor.

One last thing: they're playing this on the Club K "Palmer Course". Who is it named after? Why, that would be course designer Arnold Palmer, an AMERICAN GOLF LEGEND. HA!

BLOGNOSTICATION: The U.S. is going to stun the Europeans this year. Guinness? Feck that shite! Fill the Ryder Cup with Pabst Blue Ribbon!

TV Times (EDT)
9/23 - Opening Fourball Matches/Opening Foursome Matches: 8 AM - 6 PM ET
9/24 - Foursome Matches: 8 AM - 6 PM ET
9/25 - Singles Matches: 7:00 AM - 12:30 PM ET

Pairings will be announced Sept 21.

I'll even give a shout out to the BBC blog, who had some funny quotes. (I'm even feeling better about rooting hard for FIGJAM, who quoted Caddyshack already this week.)

NEW YORK METS: 2006 NL EAST CHAMPIONS

It's about goddamn time. After suffering through 16 straight years of the Braves winning the division, the New York Mets clinch it for the first time since 1988. So for a change, we'll get to watch postseason games at SOLD OUT STADIUMS.



There are only three things I'm worried about with this team going into the postseason: 1) their pitching, 2) their pitching, and 3) their pitching. But enough of my negativity, the Mets won the damn division.

UPDATE: Paul LoDuca was so excited he dropped an f-bomb:


One question: who decided Bachman Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business" was the official song? GET TO THE WORKIN' OVERTIME PART!

UPDATE (9/20, 10:00 AM): Deadspin linked to YouTube video of Julie Donaldson of the SNY TV metwork getting doused with champagne (and beer, which Scott pointed out to me, and we found odd) during the Mets locker room celebration the other night. Yeah, that was definitely staged so they could get the WHOLE THING on camera, which you won't find me complaining about. I had to reference their posting, because some of the comments, like the one below, had me laughing (and cringing at the same time):

"When the Yankees clinch they should pour lighter fluid on Suzyn Waldman and light her on fire."

Also, here's a clip of Lastings Milledge enjoying his first drink. Yeah sure. He turned 21 in April, so I'd say he's known the taste of alcohol for several years at least.

Those f***ing freaking Mets!

She Handled It Considerably Better Than McCarver [Deadspin]
Julie Donaldson getting doused [YouTube]
LoDuca's F-Bomb [YouTube]
Lastings Milledge's first drink [YouTube]

BEER CANNON

Behold, the Beer Cannon. It started out as a guy shooting sand-filled empties out of a cannon, but as guys are wont to do they started sticking all sorts of stuff in there. It started with whipped cream, PB&J, mayo, and paintballs, and eventually turned to showdowns such as "Beef Stew vs. Potted Plant", which would be a great title for heavyweight fight. Used as an ad campaign by Milwaukee's Best Light Beer, the individual videos can be found on their site, but this super slo-mo montage appropriately set to the 1812 Overture is priceless.



Apparently, this is what they do in Wisconsin in between Packers games. HOORAY BEER CANNON!

Beer Cannon Montage [YouTube]

FALL TV PREVIEW 2006

The new TV season is here, and it's going to be a humdinger of a dandy! Here are some season premiere highlights:

The FOX Sunday lineup (Sept. 10) has four premieres: The Simpsons, Simpsons-ripoff The Family Guy, Family Guy-ripoff American Dad, and . . . uhm, a fourth show that's highly derivative of another FOX show that I can't remember the name of right now.

Survivor 13: Cook Islands (Sept. 14). The "ethnically divided" version of the show is the most bitter and vicious one yet! Will it end up being the "Spook Islands", "Gook Islands", "Spic Islands" or "Cracker Islands"? You'll have to watch and find out! No, seriously, please watch or creator Mark Burnett will be forced to live on the island without any designer clothes or caviar. (Hey, that's not any less PC than the show already is.)

Law & Order: SVU (Sept. 19). Since they're pretty much out of plot ideas at this point, this episode revolves around the main characters going out to lunch, playing poker, and arguing over who gets the new parking spaces.

The Office (NBC, Sept 21). Jim, after having his romantic advances thwarted by the engaged Pam, comes into work heavily armed and shoots several co-workers. During the melee, Dwight manages to deflect a bullet aimed at his heart by using a fake katana sword. The bullet then ricochets and hits Pam, who had just returned from her honeymoon, killing her instantly. Out of bullets, Jim is then beaten to death by Ryan with a ream of canary yellow copy paper. Meanwhile, Michael gets promoted to district manager and gets his boss Jan pregnant, and the fat guy and the black guy say funny things at some point.

Gilmore Girls (CWBXQY, Sept. 26). Lorelei is distraught about just banging her ex-husband, and drowns her sorrows in quadruple Vicodin lattes. Rory poses nude for a local magazine, and then realizes too late that she's been tricked, as she's in Vermont and there ARE no local magazines. Death Cab for Cutie and the Kim Jong-Il make cameos.

My Name Is Earl (Sept. 21). Earl crosses off someone from his "karma" list while acting like white trash, probably.

The Amazing Race 10 (Sept. 16). The Emmy winner adds some interesting twists to its proven formula: some legs of the race require contestants to drive drunk, fly their own planes, and mud wrestle (females only) at the pitstop to determine who goes home. Host Phil Keoghan will be doing a lot more taunting of the teams this year, and will frequently be nude.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, Sept. 18). Who the hell watches this? It's still on?

LOST (ABC, Oct 4). After all the stupid website nonsense over the summer, the highly anticipated Season 3 in finally on TV. They reveal several secrets: they're still trapped on the island, but things are not what they seem; someone's life gets threatened; someone's faith is questioned; someone else is under suspicion for doing something wrong. Also, the Others play the Tailies in a highly suspenseful game of beach volleyball, and everyone on the island agrees that no one gives a crap about Kate's lame backstory.

Scrubs (NBC, ???). Basement-dwelling NBC doesn't even realize that this is one of their funniest shows. It probably won't be on until January or something. Of course, when the website has a "Name the Baby" vote, maybe it's time to end it.

IT'S OFFICIAL: THE NFL COULD USE SOME GOOD REFS

The Giants lost to the Colts last night, which wasn't altogether unexpected, but that's not why I'm here. I'm here to discuss the fact that the Giants got absolutely HOSED last night by the horrible officiating.

With 4 minutes to go and the G-Men down by 2, Eli made a nice pass to Tim Carter for 19 yards and a first down, but it was called back on a phantom "pass interference" call. They showed it a dozen times on NBC, and they agreed that it was a blown call. Yes, some cornerbacks are pretty small, but I don't think they can get thrown to the ground by a wide receiver's shoulder. So instead of a 1st-and-10 at the Giants' 37, it became a 3rd-and-11 at the 10 yard line, and Eli threw up a jump ball on the next play for an INT, game over. (They barely mention this in the article, saying there was a "questionable" call during the 4th quarter.) I turned off the TV, for the third time, in complete disgust. (Because they weren't drive-killing I won't even mention the absurd Plaxico Burress blocking penalties--oh wait, I just did.)

Every year I get sucked in, and every year the NFL craps the bed. The worst thing about the officials is that, apparently, they're not concerned with getting the call right, they're more concerned with not showing up each other. All of this garbage with throwing red hankies and some situations being considered "unreviewable"--enough already! We have the camera angles and technology available to fix ruling errors (look at what tennis has done), so that's no excuse. All I know is that this has gone on for far too long. Maybe the league secretly hopes that if they're consistently bad that the fans will just get used to it and accept it, like airport security or The Tonight Show.

The irony is that this league is the most watched in the country, and somehow continues to be the worst officiated. MLB umpires get the calls right 99.9% of the time (incredible, considering how many games there are), a golf tournament has never been decided on a bad call, NHL hockey refs are in complete control of the games and can skate better than some players, and very infrequently do NCAA basketball refs blow a big call (Villanova vs. NC in 2005 comes to mind, Ray didn't travel and no I'm not still bitter). But since there are only 16 games, every blown call in the NFL is big, and while other sports have progressed, NFL officials look more buffoonish and backwards with every passing week. Seattle fans are STILL COMPLAINING, and rightfully so, about the incompetent officials at the Super Bowl, and on opening night on Thursday the commentators were making jokes about the head referee being of "tuck rule fame". Fame? Don't you mean "shame"? How does he still have a job? Unbelievable.

But here's how you can help! If you have a pulse, at least 20/200 vision, and can pick out a football from a lineup, you too can be an NFL OFFICIAL! Here's the information, from the official NFL.com FAQ:

How can I become an NFL official?

Here are the basic requirements necessary to qualify as an official in the National Football League:

We expect our candidates to have a minimum of 10 years of experience in officiating football, at least five of which have been on a varsity collegiate or other minor professional level. Our candidates must be in excellent physical condition and belong to an accredited football officials association or have previous experience in football as a player or coach.

Each applicant is requested to furnish us with a detailed copy of his or her your collegiate officiating schedule for the past three seasons, listing dates, schools, location of games, and positions worked. If you meet all of the above requirements, please submit all the requested information to:

NFL Officiating
280 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017

First of all, if this is frequently asked question, maybe that's a problem. Second, you have to be in "excellent physical condition"? Are you kidding? They're all about 30 pounds overweight and none of them has ever said "no" to a buffet. One ref at the Eagles game was horribly obese and it was hard to look at him bulging out of his new uniform. Additionally, the average age of these guys is 52 (the oldest is 65) and they're expected to run to keep up with the likes of Marvin Harrison and Steve Smith AND make an accurate call? Lastly, and most importantly, being an NFL official is only a side job. That's right! The league makes billions upon billions of dollars in revenue, and they've put the games in the hands of accountants, dentists, and computer programmers who are just enjoying this nice little weekend gig.

Seriously, it's time the NFL woke up and fixed this horrible system. Otherwise, why should I follow my team when the season can be screwed up by some old dipshit's horrible call? If they don't consider the poor officiating a problem, I don't consider them a fully functional sports league.

YOU JUST GOT SERVED (BEER)

Kris sent me this video of the Asahi beer robot yesterday.



Meh. I'm not impressed. Not only does it take an excruiating 3 minutes to pour, but half of it ended up on the floor. I expect to wait a long time for a Guinness, but not for some shitty Japanese equivalent of Budweiser. Shut up and give me the can, R-2, I'll do it myself!!!

This kid, however, is the real robot. I saw this video a while back but I had to post it. I don't know where he came from or where he's gone, and whether or not it's the inspiration for the dance scene in Napoleon Dynamite, but wow.



Asahi beer robot [YouTube]
Robot dance [YouTube]

THE UNCANNY G-MEN

The Giants have not been getting any preseason respect, and very few "experts" have chosen them to make the playoffs. I'm always skeptical at the beginning of every season, as my pessimistic nature regrettably has me thinking, "This could be the year the G-Men completely shit the bed." I've been through too many Ray Handleys and Dave Browns to not think it's a possibility. Of course, the Giants exceeded my expectations last year, going 11-5 and winning the division (I thought they'd finish 8-8 at best). Last year had to be the best possible scenario, with the Eagles and Cowboys both missing the playoffs, paving the way for their NFC East division title. I don't think it's going to be quite as smooth this year. Let's break it down, the good and bad signs leading into the 2006 Giants season:

GOOD SIGNS.
* I have a good feeling about Eli; he seems to be an unflappable, solid player. Don't forget that his first full year QB stats mirrored Peyton's, except that Eli had 9 LESS interceptions. Oh, and more importantly his team had 8 more wins (11 vs. 3).
* Not only are Strahan and Umenyiora focused and healthy, but they have a rookie DE from Boston College who everyone says is the real deal: Mathias Kiwanuka. Get ready to start chanting his name.
* Gibril Wilson is anchoring the secondary.
* Jeff Feagles playing in his 34th season, or something.
* Tiki Barber. He looks great, and his off-season workout regimen is second to none. Hopefully, he'll have another solid but quiet year while everyone drools over the RB of the moment. I might have a man crush on him.

BAD SIGNS.
* The 2nd toughest schedule in the league. Before the Week 4 bye, they start off with Indy, @ Philly, and @ Seattle. Why do we have to go to Seattle every year? This time, maybe Feely can kick a game winning FG; if he blows it, we leave him there.
* LaVar Arrington, who won't play all 16 games. On paper and on Madden 07, he looks like a great addition. In reality, he's going to be a "meh".
* Eli can't avoid being a Manning. Not only did he struggle down the stretch when it counted, there's all that family pressure to finally have someone win a Super Bowl. Which makes me wonder: why isn't the oldest Manning brother, Cooper, in the NFL? The NY Post informed me the other day that he was "a social giant" on the Old Miss campus, which also made it tough on Eli. What does that mean? I translated that to mean he was a "big partier", and that his nickname was "Cooper the Stooper" (sort of an old school "Frank the Tank"). Okay, I've officially had it with Manning family trivia.
* I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling with Webster, Madison, McQuarters, and Demps in the secondary.
* The linebacking crew, who used to define the Big Blue D, are less than stellar, and run stopping will be an issue.
* The most alarming sign that the Giants are in trouble this season? Jeremy Shockey has an exclusive weekly column in the New York Post. Being educated at "the University", I didn't know he knew "words" and how to use them to form "sentences". Here's a particularly enlightening passage:

"This week I was handed a report on each Colts defensive player. The report included their head-shot photo, their height, weight, age, hometown, their college, whether they are married and have kids, and their tendencies. I even know if they had offseason trouble with the law or with contract negotiations. I am given all the information I need to anticipate what they are going to do, their strengths and weaknesses, and how to take advantage of them."

He's going to use the info about whether or not they had been arrested in the offseason to help win a football game? What is he, Columbo? "Eh, I don't mean to bother you, but I have just one more question, something's bothering me about your contract situation . . . " How is that going to help? Of course, details of your opponents' family could come in handy for trash-talking purposes ("Hey, you have a 14 year old daughter, eh? I bet she's hot! I hear Mark Chmura is daing her!"), but I would love to find out how he plans on using police blotters to get past the Colts' defensive backs and into the end zone. If only I could get inside Shockey's head . . . and do a few repairs while I'm in there.

My prediction: The Giants will finish 8-8, and out of the playoffs.

That being said, there are only two things I'm watching on Sunday night: 1) as much of the Giants-Colts game I can stand, and 2) The Simpsons season premiere. Note that neither of these programs have "9" or "11" in the title. If I can fight off the urge to watch Monday Night Football (and that shouldn't be hard), I might not turn on the TV at all on Monday. Call me Crazy, but I'm not a fan of celebrating depressing anniversaries. Seriously, call me "Crazy", because I had my name changed and I won't answer to anything else.

NFL PREDICTIONS: YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE

Predicting what's going to happen in the NFL at the beginning of the season is a futile exercise at best, sort of like trying to guess Oprah's weight after a particularly intense cupcake binge. One key injury, or one "worst to first" turnaround can change the entire playoff landscape, yet everyone still plugs away every August to guess the outcome. For every over prepared Bill Simmons, there's a guy like Curtis Edmonds, who plugged in a bunch of numbers into an Excel spreadsheet to predict every score for the season, with the hopes of getting at least 1 out of the 256 scores correct (I like his outcome, which ultimately has the Giants beating the Colts). It doesn't matter, it seems that each guy has an equal chance of success.

In previous years, the best have tried and failed to predict what the coming season has in store. But who does the best job? Whom should we turn to for the 2006 season predictions? I decided to waste a hell of lot of time looking back at the 2005 NFL predictions by the "paid professionals" to find out. After Google searching a number of year-old articles, I then calculated the percentage of playoff teams guessed correctly out of a possible 12, looked at their SB picks, and graded them accordingly.

ESPN. What a crap fest. Since their Insider subscription system conveniently won't allow me to see how bad their predictions really are, I'm going to single out John Clayton from the pick chart. This shouldn't affect my grading, but he just LOOKS creepy, and I believe he has to say "John Clayton, Registered Sex Offender, ESPN" whenever he ends a report. Ugh.
Correct = 17%
SB = Colts over Vikings
Grade = D

Sportscolumn.com. I don't even know what this is, but Google had Adam Nelson on the first page so what the hell. And with a name like Stat Man, how can you go wrong? Very easily! While he barely did better than ESPN's kid toucher, at least the Steelers were in there. But another Colts/Vikes ending? Blargh.
Correct = 25%
SB = Colts over Vikings
Grade = C

SportsIllustrated.com. Dr. Z has been doing this prediction stuff since color photography was invented, so he must know a thing or two. So how did he do? He didn't get one NFC team correct! What is his doctorate in? Art history? He also had Giants at 5-11, the exact opposite of how their season turned out. At least his choice of the Panthers beating the Colts in the big game was unique, albeit stupid.
Correct = 25%
SB = Panthers over Colts
Grade = C-

ESPN Radio. Mike Golic, of the Mike and Mike in the Morning radio show, was an actual NFL player, which I thought must give him additional insight. How wrong I was. I never even played football (unless it had "TECMO" in the name) and even I knew the Jets weren't going to make the playoffs. I bet that sissy-boy Greeny talked him into that.
Correct = 25%
SB = Colts over Falcons
Grade = C

IGN. This website decided to geek it up and simulate the entire season using Madden NFL 06 for the XBOX. Predictably, it didn't turn out so good, but no worse than the "experts" with their "knowledge". They suffered from the "Vick Factor", which means that it's while it's fun having him on your videogame team, if you want to win you don't want him on your REAL team. The author admits the outcome is crap, and contradicts the computer's results to take the Colts over the Eagles, which coincedentally is also crap.
Correct = 25%
SB = Falcons over Ravens
Grade = D+

Steeltown Mike. At this point, I had lost all hope, and I desperately needed to be saved from prediction hell. So I turned to Pittsburgh, home of the Champs! Well, as it turns out, Mike was far and away the best prognosticator. Though he also blew the NFC, he did get 5 of 6 in the AFC correct. I also give him extra points for a unique SB and for NOT picking his own team to win the AFC (even though this was the one year he SHOULD have).
Correct = 42%
SB = Patriots over Panthers
Grade = B-

It's amazing how far off most of these guys were, yet they get paid handsomely for their opinions. What a joke. In other words, my BLOGNOSTICATIONS are just as good as anyone else's, though I wouldn't print out my blog post and take it to Vegas.

FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS: MEN'S SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

God, I love this skit. Somehow it never made it onto the "Best of SNL 1984" (yes, I own the VHS tape). The line, "No, you're not angry at him, you're just pointing at him. 'Hey you, I know you, I know you'", will be forever etched in my brain.



Men's Synchronized Swimming - Harry Shearer, Martin Short, Christopher Guest (SNL, 1984) [YouTube]

DIDN'T I (BLOW YOUR MIND THIS TIME)

Here are a few mindblowing facts that you might not have known:

* Phonetically, Canadian golfer Mike Weir's name sounds like "My Queer". (See also: "Joke Hole".) If you are rooting for him, be careful if you admit this out loud.

* The current baseball home run record for a player unaided by performance enhancing drugs during a 162 game season is 61, by Roger Maris (1961). Ryan Howard has 54 and is on pace to hit 63 (unless he's on HGH, then he didn't really hit any).

* The most disgusting recipe I've heard of lately: the walking taco. You take a Doritos or Fritos bag, crush the chips, and fill it with taco meat, sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes. What white trash idiot came up with that? Blargh.

* The new treadmills at my gym have a chart listing optimum values for your heart rate, which equal 65% and 80% of your suggested maximum. This list is by age, and it goes up to 100 years old. 100! What one hundred year old is going to be on a treadmill? You'd be lucky to have a pulse at all! The optimum values for age 100 are 78 and 96 bpm, in case you were wondering.

* What's the biggest size shrimp? Did you say "jumbo"? That sounds good to me. Well, if you did, you're wrong! That's right, there's a new shrimp in town, and it's COLOSSAL! I think steroids are somehow involved.

* The Barry Manilow song "I Write The Songs" was actually not written by Barry Manilow (it was Bruce Johnston). Oh, the irony.

2006 NFL SEASON PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

The 2006 NFL season is upon us! It all starts with the special Thursday night kickoff classic, or something. This game will feature . . . Pittsburgh's Charlie Batch and Miami's Daunte Culpepper? Is that a typo? Ugh, who cares. Okay, the real NFL season starts Sunday, with a full slate of games culminating with the Giants and Colts going Manning a Manning on Sunday night. Unless you count the two (TWO?) Monday night games. In other words, enjoy a game every night of the week! Ugh.

Things to look for this year:
* The players are bigger and scarier than ever, so expect a QB to suffer some sort of horrible career ending injury this year.
* More teams are going to have double digit losses than last year.
* Don't be fooled by their new snazzy uniforms, those are the same referees as last year, and they are still going to suck!
* Those who own a copy of Madden 07 on XBOX 360 will actually be able to control the play calling during select games.

I know everyone was waiting for my world famous blognostications™ for the 2006 season, and dammit you're in luck because HERE THEY ARE!

BEST MOST COMPETITIVE DIVISION: NFC East. The Beast is back! I see all these teams being legitimate contenders. Except Dallas. Well, and Washington. Okay, maybe it's not that great. With the Giants rough schedule, and the Eagles being healthy again (at least until McNabb gets hurt in Week 10), and with serial nutjobs T.O. and Portis possibly saving/destroying their individual teams, they'll all finish 9-7.

BEST DIVISION: AFC North. It's anyone's guess who wins this, as the Steelers and appendix-less Roethlisberger are coming back down to Earth, and the Bengals and Ravens are going to be much improved. Only the Browns will stink up the place.

WORST DIVISION: AFC South. Jacksonville? Houston? Tennesee? These teams all su-diddly-uck. If the Colts don't sweep this division, they should be ashamed of themselves. Although that Peyton Manning has some funny commercials. So he's got THAT going for him, which is nice.

BEST TEAM (REGULAR SEASON): Colts.

BEST TEAM (POSTSEASON): Bears.

MADDEN CURSE: Shaun Alexander is on the cover of the videogame this year. Expect a torn something about halfway through the season.

WORST TEAM: It's a dead heat between the 49ers, Raiders and the Jets. I think the Niners Alex Smith will start to come around, and the Raiders . . . wait, Art Shell is coaching them? I think Al Davis needs to have his meds adjusted. The Jets have Kevin Barlow (who wasn't good enough for the 49ers) starting the season at RB and Chad Paperton at QB, so how are they going to score? Answer: they're not. Expect a 3 win season from the J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!

GUY I'M MOST SICK OF: Brett Favre. You have a Super Bowl win, MVP awards, passing records, and "There's Something About Mary" on your resume. I know you enjoy the sports media and all of Wisconsin collectively kissing your ass, but it's time to go. You can't help this team win anymore. Enough already.

GUY I'M LEAST SICK OF: Tiki Barber. A class act all the way, I hope he shoves a few more 200 yard games down his opposing defenses' throats.

MOST IMPROVED TEAM: Detroit Lions. In a crap division and a favorable schedule, they should be able to make a run. Oh, and they no longer have Joey Harrington.

LEAST IMPROVED TEAM: Kansas City Chiefs. QB Trent Green is getting a little long in the tooth, and they STILL have no defense, only adding castoff Ty Law to the secondary. Combine that with a brutal schedule and coach Herm Edwards, and you have a team watching the playoffs from home.

PLAYOFF BOUND (AFC): Bengals, Patriots, Colts, Chargers, Steelers, Ravens
PLAYOFF BOUND (NFC): Bears, Giants, Eagles, Cardinals, Panthers, Seahawks

SUPER BOWL XLI GAME #41: Bears beat Bengals.

GBTO: A-ROD

GBTO: God bless the Onion. They really went to town on A-Rod today.

Post-Game Comments Reveal A-Rod Unsure Whether Yankees Won Or Lost
A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo
A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee'
Alex Rodriguez Placed On Emotionally Disabled List
Sportsgraphic: A-Rod's Career Highlights
The Media: Are They Ganging Up On A-Rod?

THIS WEEK IN SPORTS HISTORY
Sept. 9, 1984: In preparation for becoming a future baseball star, 9-year-old Alex Rodriguez spends all day practicing his fielding of grounders, pop-ups, and reporters' questions.

Dammit, that's funny stuff.

I guess they planned this simultaneous deluge of A-Rod jokes to emulate how asinine and harsh the real media is towards him. Personally, the more the press and Yankee fans get on A-Rod, the more I like the guy. He goes out and plays hard every day and wants to win a championship, and as a bonus he actually CARES about what you think about him. The fact that he's the most maligned and harassed player in baseball, while SF fans still unconditionally love Bonds, illustrates everything that's wrong with this sport, and pro sports in general.

WHEN HEADLINES ATTACK!

Is 'telephone telepathy' real?
No. I just saved you from reading the article. (You're welcome.)

British airport disruption cost airline $76 million
Bloody hell, that's a lot of tiny bags of honey roasted peanuts!

Jogger rescued after 4 days stuck in the muck
Another reason just to say in the house.

Last survivor from JFK limo dies
I smell conspiracy! There's no way someone dies at age 87 without some "magic bullet" being involved.

Tearful Agassi bids farewell to U.S. Open
I'm thankful that the Andre Agassi love fest is over. I couldn't stand it anymore: the annoying Open crowd (cheering wildly at all the wrong times, like when his opponent faulted on a serve), the constant cutaway reaction shots of his wife Steffi Graf and his friends, the video clips showing his 80s "image is everything" commercials, watching him limping around like he'd just been repeatedly stabbed in the hamstring. Most of all, between him and Mark Messier, I'm sick of watching grown bald men cry.

Growing doubts in U.S. about military strategy
Really? You think so? That headline is almost as shocking as this one:

Griffey out indefinitely
Yeah, of course he is.

Tiger clinches 8th Player of the Year award
Another non-surprising headline, as Tiger takes the Douche Bag--uhm Deutsche Bank Invitational to win his 5th straight tourney. Vijay was in the lead after a 3rd round 61, but only managed a 68 when paired with Tiggs on Monday who shot a final round 63 to win it. It's just remarkable what he's accomplishing; you're watching history, folks. If you're not watching history, there's something wrong with you, so enjoy "Big Brother" or some other crap like that.

Opinion: How to stop Tiger
"What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg, right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game."

Irwin was never afraid to bring nature in close
Well, that's an understatement! Everyone is expressing shock over this freak accident, but did we really see him dying of old age? Well, for the sake of his wife and two kids, he should have. Anyway, R.I.P. Steve Irwin, crazy Australian guy.

Note to the cameraman who filmed his death: I will pay you ONE MILLION DOLLARS to destroy the tape. That's right. Anyone who wants to see this guy die on tape is a vile, depraved individual who has no respect for anyone. Either that, or you're sick of the stupid lonelygirl15 hoax on YouTube. I think that site has jumped the stingray.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SISSY (NFL 2006 EDITION)

Ahhh, preseason NFL football. I accidentally tuned into Giants/Pats last night, and it was comical. With names like these, these guys are destined to be cut from the Giants roster regardless of their performance:

Boo Williams
Little John Flowers
Guy Whimper

With those guys and no Kendrick Clancy, I think it's going to be a rough year. I hope Boo makes the team, "No, they're not booing, they're just saying 'Boo'." Oh yeah, and the G-Men have the 2nd toughest schedule, while 2005 NFC champion Seattle has the 30th toughest.

WE'LL MAKE GREAT PETS

About two years ago, I bought Sims 2 for my PC, after being a huge fan of Maxis' first human life micromanagement game. Since then, they've released numerous expansion packs allowing your characters to go out on dates together, send the kids to college, run their own businesses, thus expanding the possibilities of the game. I know what you're saying, isn't that a little much? Well, of course it is, but we're living in a society that's getting more obsessive and introverted every day. If you've never played the game before, I can tell you it's a bit addictive, and you become attached to your little Sims (and there are thousands of websites with an astonishing array of customization possibilites). But it's about to get a little more ridiculous with the release of The Sims 2: Pets.

Yes, that's right. You can actually create fake computer pets for your fake computer people. What? Are you kidding me? This is the point where I start to lose all sense of right and wrong, and I can no longer determine what's normal and what's weird. FAKE PETS? Does anyone else find that disturbing? I'm going to have to draw the line here.



I even looked at the screenshots of people with their SimPets, and I have to--wait that dog is pretty cute. Hey, you can scratch his belly, ha ha ha! You like that, Champ? Yeahhhh, thassa good boy, who's a good boy?! And there's kitty all curled up on the brand new pretend couch again, my girlfriend is going to be PISSED! Well, at least I won't have to clean up ACTUAL dog shit. And I wouldn't be allergic to these cats . . .

They may be on to something.

Sims 2 Official Site [EA Games]
Sims 2: Pets [EA Games]

FUZZY GREEN BALLS

I don't ever blog about tennis, but last night I tuned in to watch the about-to-retire Andre Agassi play last night at the U.S. Open, in what could have been his final match (a fantastic 5 set/nearly 4 hour match he barely won to stay alive). Anyway, as he was about to win the second set, the always racuous Flushing crowd at the Arthur Ashe Stadium was DOING THE FREAKING WAVE. I happened to tune in just at that moment, and I was like, "What? Why? Oh come on." They had to stop the match until they calmed down. Seriously.

Okay, yes, I understand the 23,000 people in that hugenormous stadium was excited to be part of Agassi's "retirement party". There's something to be said for showing enthusiasm and support. But this isn't an Aerosmith concert at Jones Beach, you morons, this is a TENNIS MATCH at a MAJOR TOURNAMENT, and these two guys have smacked countless fuzzy green balls all over the world to just get there, so show a modicum of respect, if that's possible. It's like people don't know how to behave at sporting events anymore (or in public in general), between throwing crap onto the green at a golf tournament, booing your MVP superstar player at a ballgame, or cursing up a storm in front of 8 year olds. Enough already.

While we're at it, do we really need John McEnroe interviewing the players in front of the whole audience, with the microphone piped through the stadium PA? He's like the most annoying sideline reporter, minus the time limit.