DRINKY DRINKY: CAIPIRINHA

It's June 1st, and in the New York City area it's already 90 freaking degrees; my continuing search for the Best Summer Brew might start a little early this year. Meanwhile, what alcoholic drink would be the best choice on a sweltering day? Should I just drink a Brooklyn Lager and pour a Bud Light down my pants? That's a tempting choice and the only practical use for an A-B product I can think of; to save money, make sure you do it during the 2-for-1 happy hour deals.

Firstly, I do know what NOT to drink. A few weeks ago, I went to an Aztec (read: expensive, trendy Mexican) restaurant in Philly, and was trying hard to avoid drinking anything containing the 465 types of tequila they had. Since I like beer and spicy food the bartender talked me into trying a michelada. Just imagine a Bloody Mary on ice, with Mexican beer instead of vodka, and with limes and salt on the rim like a margarita. Oh, the horror. GQ even suggests the chelata for a hot day (basically the same drink minus the hot sauces), but I'm just not into this trend especially because it's too salty and fruity. After I braved my way through one of those spicy mistakes I switched to the caipirinha, which was a hell of a lot more enjoyable, as didn't burn my lips at all.

Caipirinha
1⅔ fl. oz. Cachaça
½ fresh lime, cut into 4 wedges
2 teaspoons sugar

Place lime and sugar into old fashioned glass and muddle (mash the two ingredients together using a muddler or a wooden spoon). Fill the glass with crushed ice and add the Cachaça.

(Wouldn't the Muddler make a good Batman villain? But I digress.)

Considered the national cocktail of Brazil, it tasted very much like a sweeter version of vodka with lime, not quite as fruity as other tropical drinks. Cachaça is similar to rum except it's made from sugarcane juice, and not from molasses, a by-product of the sugar manufacturing process. I'm not a big rum fan, so this alternative was pretty enjoyable. Until other people find out that it's officially considered a "fancy drink" by the IBA*, I think it's safe to order one at your local Mexican restaurant that stocks cachaça, as it certainly goes well with guacamole and spicy food. If only I knew how to pronounce it correctly.

* The International Bartender's Association splits up cocktails into four categories: Before-Dinner Cocktail - Dry or Medium, After-Dinner Cocktail - Sweet, Long Drink - Collins Type, Fancy Drink - Long, medium, short. Who knew?

CARTOONSDAY!

Yeah, I'm a day behind once again (because of Memorial Day). This time it's "Falling Hare" (1943), in which a gremlin uses his "dia-bo-LICK-el sab-o-TAY-gee" to beat the living crap out of Bugs Bunny.

Merrie Melodies: Falling Hare (1943)

Bugs Bunny in "Falling Hare" (1943) [Daily Motion]

LOST SEASON 3 FINALE: LIVE BLOG! (HOUR TWO)

9:59> This blog entry is being most likely read by no one but me, so it's really just to refresh my memory when the show returns next season TO RUIN MY LIFE.
10:00> Kate was kicking ass and beating up US Marshalls in the first year, and now she wilts when Saywer tells her to piss off and keep walking to the radio tower? "Ever since you got pregnant, you've changed, Freckles."
10:01> So Jack just said, "I LOVE YOU!" to Kate. Maybe they're going steady again after all! I hope he asks her to the prom! "Did you hear she got pinned? Did she kiss him and cry?" I don't miss high school AT ALL.
10:02> FUCK! The Jack flashback continues, as Grizzly Shephard is cranking "Scentless Apprentice" by Nirvana and going to a funeral for . . . wait, who is in the coffin?
10:05> Jack and Ben, together again. I'm getting all misty.
10:09> Mikhail thankfully puts the eye patch back on (ewww), but after he snuffs out the two chicks, Dez shoots him in the chest with the spear gun! "My uncle shot me with a spear gun once . . . ONCE." Is he really dead though? Do I really care?
10:14> Ben about Naomi: "She's not who she says she is." This is about the 234th time they've said this on 3 years of LOST. This show makes my head hurt.
10:23> Charlie is the only one making sense right now . . . and he's about to die, brutha!
10:25> Danielle finally meets her daughter, Alex, and asks if she wants to help her tie her dad up. So THAT'S how it is in their family.
10:28> HURLEY AND THE LOVE BUS! He runs down The Others who were holding Bernie, Sayid and Jin captive in his Bitchin' Dharmawagen! Holy shit, that was awesome! Yes, those three were NOT shot (as I guessed) despite Ben telling Tom to do so. Sayid does this nifty leg-twist-neck-snapping thing, and Sawyer shoots Tom. The body count rises. WAR: IT'S FAAAAAN-TASTIC!
10:34> More Jack and his daddy issues. "Call him, and if he's as drunk as me . . ." Is this a competition?
10:36> I hate commercials. They waste my life.
10:40> Charlie types in the magic code: "Gotta keep those lovin' good vibrations a-happ'nin' with her."



10:41> With the jammer off, Charlie talks with Penny on the telly . . . but HEEEEEERE'S MIKHAIL! He rises from the dead YET AGAIN and blows open the porthole with a grenade. I told you! He's like the Russian Terminator! "He'll find him! That's what he does! That's ALL HE DOES!"
10:43> As the room fills with water (glug glug) Chuck's final act (glug glug) before drowning (glug glug): he writes on his hand and shows Dezi "NOT PENNY'S BOAT".
10:44> Oh shit. I'm getting a very bad feeling about this.
(EDIT: I thought about this later. Why didn't Charlie just swim up out of the blown out wall?)
10:48> Ben tells Jack, "You don't know what you're doing!" I hate the fact that Ben is probably right. Danielle knocks him unconscious anyway. Ha!
10:49> So now that Charlie's turned off the underwater jamming device with his Good Vibrations, Rousseau shuts off her distress message, and Naomi gets a signal to her boat on her iPhone . . . and Locke throws a knife in her back! "My father knifed me in the back once . . . ONCE."
10:50> Locke threatens to shoot Jack if he picks up the phone but he doesn't, saying, "You weren't supposed to do this." Yeah, and I wasn't supposed to watch this. Really, blowing up submarines? Killing people with sat phones? So he really wants to stay on the island, I take it. It's nice and all, but they don't have broadband internet.
10:52> The boat has a fix on their location. The LOSTIES are excited to hear from the outside world . . . but I'm guessing this is not a good thing. Remember, they don't get off the island until the series ends in 2010!
10:54> Back to Jackland, who in his drunken state has called Kate, who meets her out by the airport--so apparently this was a flash FORWARD. Or was it a parallel universe? Or an alternate reality? My head REALLY FUCKING HURTS.
10:57> Long story short, he says he made a mistake, and that maybe they shouldn't have been saved. And we still don't know who was in the coffin, but it's someone Kate also knows, and whose funeral she wouldn't go to (Locke? Ben?). Also, Oceanic apparently gave him a Golden Pass to apologize for the "crash" (or are they in PURGATORY, man???), which he uses to get drunk ALL OVER THE WORLD. Aim high, brutha!
10:58> As Kate drives away to go back to whomever she's with (Sawyer? Ben?), Jack screams, "WE HAVE TO GO BACK! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!"
10:59> And I have to go to sleep! At least the Yankees beat the Sawks, that's the only thing I know FOR SURE ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
11:00> I just remembered that LOST doesn't return for another 8 months. SEE YOU IN FEBRUARY, LOSTIES! Only 48 episodes to go!

God damn this show.

LOST SEASON 3 FINALE: LIVE BLOG!

9:00> Welcome to my live blog of the Season 3 finale of LOST. Will it give us more questions than answers? You be the judge!
9:01> We start with a Jack flashback. Crap. You might as well erase about 10 uninteresting minutes from the show. But I love Jack's fake playoff hockey beard. Seriously, that's not a good look for anyone.
9:03> And . . . cue Jack crying. Man, he's cried a lot this season.
9:04> Iron & Wine, don't jump! He doesn't, obviously, because this is a flashback. Duh.
9:05> Is there an unlimited supply of Dharma platinum blonde hair dye for Juliet?
9:07> "License To Wed" looks like a shitbomb. Robin Williams must die. I feel sorry for Jim from The Office for choosing that script.
9:10> Hey, how did they get an iPhone on the island already?
9:12> I guess hobbits are good swimmers, because Charlie is still alive. But the functional underwater station is manned by two women (womanned?). At least he's getting tuned up by a hottie.
9:14> So Ben just found out that Juliet is a mole . . . and sends in his henchmen (I love that name--what's a hench anyway?) to go kablooey anyway?
9:20> "Did they blow up 3 tents, or only 2? Well, to tell you the truth I kind of lost track in all the excitement. Let me ask a question: do you feel lucky, punk?" The three get captured after killing 7 Others with the TNT. I believe this is Sayid's 14th time getting captured so far.
9:21> Rose has the line of the show so far: "Jack, if you say 'Live together, die alone' I'm punching you in the face." Do it now!
9:25> As Sayid and Jin keep their mouths shut about Jack and the LOSTIES' whereabouts, Bernard spills the beans. Bernie, you are a douche.
9:26> Pixar's first dud?
9:28> Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than "The Suitcase Opening Show" . . . it's "National Bingo Night" on ABC. IT'S BINGO . . . TO THE EXTREEEEEEME!!! Not only does this show exist, YouTube already has the commercial. This country is retarded.
9:30> Ben is a real bitch when he's angry. I still don't quite understand the whole "Jacob's haunted house" thing from a few weeks ago, but that's not important right now.
9:31> Sawyer & Kate having a lover's quarrel. "Ever since you killed that con man is cold blood, you've CHANGED!" No, she didn't say that, but she did say, "Since when are you calling me Kate?" I don't understand how these people are so emotionally connected to each other--what, have they known each other for about 90 days? And Sawyer & Kate have only gotten close in the past month since she split up with Jack. It's like frigging high school.
9:33> I have to say, Charlie is making me laugh tonight. They should tie him to a chair every week.
9:39> Dr. Unabomber is a stubborn prick. WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? Stop the flashback, I want to get off.
9:41> Saywer's going "Back To The Beach" with Annette, Frankie and Pee Wee. The bird is the word!



9:42> Actually, he's going back to the beach with Juliet. A hidden cache of guns? Juliet is just filled with juicy info. How about a HIDDEN HOVERCRAFT SO WE CAN END THIS SHOW?
9:44> Ben says "Everything I've done, I've done for the island . . . with love." Everything sounds funny when you add "with love".
9:50> Oh, Juliet was lying but they're going to beach anyway.
9:53> It only took an hour, but we have our first LOCKE sighting, and he's a gun totin' cripple!
9:55> It's a 27 year old WAAAAAALT! (It's not the same without Michael yelling it.) He's almost as tall as Walt Frazier now, and tells Locke to get up and stop whining.

HOUR TWO COMING UP!

Meanwhile, this The Office Primetime Preview is hilarious:



Dwight: Water is incredibly overrated, both as a beverage and as an element. First of all, it has no taste, and fire is much more destructive. You've never heard of water burning down a building.

CARTOONSDAY!

I'm a day behind this week, so here's "Fair Haired Hare" (1950) starring Bugs Bunny.

As Rob stated: "The problem with golfing on Monday is that it makes everything I do the rest of the week seem utterly pointless." So true.

BUGS BUNNY&SAM-FAIR HAIRED HARE

WRIST SHOTS: CAN'T TOUCH THIS

I watched the end of the Ducks/Red Wings what a wild ending as the Ducks held on to win 4-3. Chris "Wily Veteran" Chelios even craftily squeezed a stick under his armpit to draw a hooking call in the final few minutes, but Giggy was able to stop all incoming shots to once again send his team to the finals.

I also got to see this game in glorious HD last night and it looked great (though not as good as MSGHD). For some reason VersusHD is not even listed on Cablevision's channel lineup (and for some reason the douche bags that run the cable company will never tell you), so I had to hear through various forums that Versus/Golf Channel HD was going to be added Channel 719 sometime this week. So we get it just in time for the end of the hockey season, not in time for the NBC debacle on Saturday, and for most of the golf season. Why does CV keep these channel additions a secret? Don't you think they'd put it on the website somewhere that they've added new HD channels, with more on the way? Are they making so much money that they don't even care if they get new subscribers? Never mind, I think I answered my own question.

The Stanley Cup finals start Monday night, and I'm going to make my blognostication right now. Since these are two pretty evenly matched teams, both with 48 wins in the regular season, one with the scoring edge (Sens) and the other with the goaltending edge (Ducks), it's very hard to decide. Therefore I will base my pick on one simple observation: some team captains are so superstitous that they refuse to touch the trophy awarded to them when they win their conference. Take a look at these pictures of captains Daniel Alfredsson and Scott Niedermeyer with their respective awards:

Since Alfie touched it, and Nieds steadfastly refused to (an approach that has worked for him not once, not twice, but THRICE), I'm going to give the nod to the Los Angeles Flightless Waterfowl of Anaheim.

Ducks in 6.

WRIST SHOTS: LOOK OUT! DUCK!

* I've never seen a team dominate a game as much as Detroit did in Game 5 against the Ducks AND STILL LOSE. It seemed like they were on the PP for the entire 2nd period, but when the Ducks weathered the storm and made it deep into the 3rd period only down 1-0 it was anyone's game. Sure enough, they scored with 37 seconds left when Scott "Ol' Greybeard" Niedermeyer's shot deflected off a defenseman's stick and over Hasek for the tying goal; they sealed the win in OT on a giveaway right in front of the net that Selanne intercepted and flipped into the top of the net. It could be all over for the Red Wings tonight in the Honda Pond.

Fun fact: Duck netminder Jean-Sebastien Giguere is now 12-1 in OT in the playoffs. Yikes!

* What else can be said about the Buffalo Sabres? They were invincible in the regular season, and invisible in the playoffs--a monumental disappointment. While the offense was listless and shut down by Ottawa's solid D, Ryan Miller seemed like the only player to ratchet up his game for the postseason (that stick save in OT is as good as any you'll ever see). Chris Drury was also outstanding, taking a puck to the mouth and 11 stitches and still coming back to play. If they lose him or Briere to free agency in the offseason, it should be interesting to see if this team can still be as formidable next year. I like their chances.

*Finally, a huge FUCK YOU to NBC Sports for NOT SHOWING THE OVERTIME of the OTT/BUF game, instead deciding to show a pointless hour and a half of pre-race horse nonsense as Versus showed the remainder of the game. It was a minor annoyance for me (flipping from an HD to an SD channel), but what about hockey fans that don't have Versus at all? It's no wonder every major sport (NBA, MLB, NFL, arena football) has dumped them over the years, because they just don't get it. Yes, you've made it perfectly clear that it's all about ratings and not about sports, but this is completely unacceptable. Just stick to your insufferable Olympics telecasts.

I'VE GOT A CASE OF THE MONDAYS

I've got a case of the Mondays, even though it's a Tuesday, since I took off yesterday to play golf. I tried to think of something to blog but I got nothing, just have a bunch of brief thoughts that I don't feel like expounding on.

* The Yankees desperate move of signing Roger Clemens, coupled with their circus-like announcement of it indicates that their dynasty in the American League East is officially over. Someone likened this to something that would happen in wrestling: "CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCKET'S COOKING?" But Yankee radio announcer Suzyn Waldman's ridiculous reaction to it (look for the Roger's BACK audio link on the right) made me almost throw up from laughter. No matter how many times I say "RAWGER CLEMENS IS IN GEORGE'S BAWKS!", it's still funny. Of all the dramatic things she's seen? I guess all those dramatic World Series moments can't possibly beat that. Oh well, the Yanks had a good run.

* It's also over for Tony Soprano. I'm done watching the show, and I'm done complaining about it. Here's my blognostication as the show limps to the finale: AJ kills himself, Phil kills Paulie (Silvio, or anyone in NJ), Tony kills Phil, Carmela kills Tony. The end! Please pay your toll on the way outta Jersey.

Seriously, I think Carmela killing Tony in the final ep, and making it look like an accident, would be awesome. She's been defending him for so many years now, and it's all going to come to head when she finally realizes that she's married to pure evil, and she'll kill him with the new $10,000 espresso machine. Or he'll "accidentally drown in the pool", as his ducks from the first episode land in the water next to him. Or maybe everyone all die in a massive explosion, or their plane crashes on a mysterious island in the South Pacific. I just don't care that much anymore.

* Believe it or not, I'm trying to cut down on caffeine. I tried the new Starbucks Komodo Dragon, and it actually tastes pretty good for a decaf. But it really attacks my bowels even moreso than their other coffees, so I've renamed it "The Commode Dragon".

* I actually missed "LOST", "The Sopranos" and the final episode of "Heroes" this week. Why, you ask? Because I was at the bar all three nights! Yeah, I should probably spend a little less time and money there.

WORD OF THE WEEK: JETÉ

je·té (zhuh-tay)

[n.] A leap in ballet in which one leg is extended forward and the other backward.
[French, from past participle of jeter, to throw, from Old French.]

Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, after retrieving a grounder deep in the hole to his right, instead of the normal plant-and-throw he performs a unique jeté as he hurls the ball to the first baseman, sometimes called the "Jeter Jump".

This seems to happen much too early and often: interleague baseball this weekend, Yankees @ Mets. I say the Yanks take 2 of 3. Why not?

I just found out that Tom Glavine is an excellent golfer (shot a 79 at Manhattan Woods on Wednesday), a lefty who swears a lot on the course--just like me (2 out of 3, anyway)!

THURSDAY HANGOVER

It's Thursday and I'm hungover. I didn't plan this (who does?) but the electricity was out at my apartment after some strong storms blew through the area yesterday afternoon. What was I going to do, sit in the candlelight and read a book/write that novella I've been putting off/play strip solitare, while waiting for the power to come back on? I pondered my alternatives, and of course "golf" and "beer" kept popping up. So I threw the clubs in the car and headed towards Nyack, and since it started to rain on the way to the driving range, I just headed straight to Bourbon Street. As I drove into town the traffic light was out, but the bar was lit up like a shining alcoholic beacon. For some reason, they are on a part of the electrical grid that never loses power. Thank god for that.

Somewhere between the first and second shots of Jameson I drank (also not planned), the power came on at the bank across the street, which I decided was an advantageous time to drain my checking account. I was about to cross Main Street when an attractive young girl in a huge black SUV rolled down the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you know how to get to Lace?" About 1000 different things popped into my head at that moment (most of them not safe for work) as I tried to come up with an appropriate response. Here are a few of them:

"The directions are complicated, I wouldn't be able to tell you. How about I hop in and show you?"

"Lace? You look like you belong at Stiletto."

"Why? Are you working there tonight?"

"Just a warning: if you're going to Lace, you're wearing waaaay too much."

"I was just headed there! Mind if I ride with you?"

"Funny you should ask, because I'm the one holding the auditions! But because of the power outages, we're recruiting new talent at Bourbon Street."

So what did I actually say? Uhm, I merely gave her directions. I'm so stupid.

CARTOONSDAY!

What else can be said about the classic "Racketeer Rabbit" (1946)? The Edward G. Robinson characature is hilarious, and Bugs is at his best.

"It's curtains for you, Mugsy, CURTAINS!" "Oh, they're adorable . . . "

Bugs Bunny - Racketeer Rabbit

This organized crime satire is way better than "The Sopranos".

"THE OFFICE" SEASON FINALE QUIZ

"I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. It's all I've ever wanted to do."

Just a random quote from "The Office" last week, to get psyched for Thursday's finale. According to the commercials NBC thinks all its viewers care about this, so allow me to ask: What will Jim say to Pam's crazy post-coal walking outburst?

a) "I transferred to the Stamford branch because you're a crazy bitch who doesn't know what she wants. But that means you're probably great in the sack, so maybe I made the wrong decision."

b) "I am such a sensitive person, so I want to say that I miss you too, while my eyes well up with tears and I smirk a little bit. And I didn't want that big corporate job in the city that Karen is going to take anyway. So now I can stay in Scranton forever with you, which will make the chicks who watch this show even happier! Now help me find a way to talk Dwight into removing his pants in a comical fashion, and everything will be fine."

c) "Well, things are going great with me and Karen. But we have been talking about getting a threesome together . . . "

d) "Uhm, what?"

SHAVE THE METS!

My first baseball post of 2007 admittedly is an odd one: 21 of the 25 Mets players shaved their heads before playing the Brewers on Friday. Pretty damn funny.


New York Mets' Oliver Perez, second from left, holds his cap over his chest exposing his shaved head while standing for the national anthem with Ramon Castro, far left, John Maine, center, Shawn Green, second from right, and Mike Pelfrey, all whom shaved their heads before playing the Milwaukee Brewers in Major League Baseball action Friday, May 11, 2007, at Shea Stadium in New York. (AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)

Now if we could get Pedro to shave his dumb head--but it will probably prolong his stint on injured list.

NOTHING CAN MATCH HOCKEY PLAYOFFS

Great article from John Feinstein of the Washington Post:

For the Month of May, Nothing Can Match Hockey Playoffs

He hits the nail on the head. This guy gets it.

The rumor is that Cablevision is adding Versus/Golf Channel HD next week, so it could be an even better May than previously thought.

Oh, and fuck Roger Clemens. The Yankee dynasty is officially over.

(Despite what the Biggest Sabres Fan In France would have you believe, it appears that Chris Neil is still alive, after Ottawa's 5-2 spanking of the Sabres in Game 1.)

THINGS I LIKE: THE 17th @ TPC SAWGRASS

The 17th hole at the TPC Sawgrass (Stadium) Golf Course: 137 yards of sheer terror.

This par 3 with its 'island green' is one of the most infamous holes on the PGA Tour. Since the pros have a hard time keeping their balls on this green (in 2000, 45 tee shots plunked into the water in one day), I can't imagine how I'd fare. This hole was even scary on PGA Tour Golf on the PlayStation. And Tiger's not a big fan, which for some reason makes me admire and respect it even more.

TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida is also one of the few famous courses that you can play . . . if you have the money. The Players Championship will be played here starting on Thursday morning, and NBC will be showing it (mostly) in HD (instead of playoff hockey--usually I would complain, but not this time). The PGATOUR.com website will also have a live streaming video from the 17th hole starting at 9 AM. I'll be there!

CARTOONSDAY!

Here's the first appearance of Daffy Duck, in the Porky Pig cartoon titled "Porky's Duck Hunt" (1937).

Porky's Duck Hunt (1937)
Uploaded by voiceman91

WRIST SHOTS: MOURNING THE LOSS OF MY INTEREST

Even though no one reads this but me, I feel obligated to at least say something. It was a horrible weekend for the NYC area hockey teams, but since I couldn't actually see one second of the 3 games at my sister's house I don't have much to report--thanks again NHL, for signing with Versus! From what I heard, (on XM driving home from NH), the Sabres didn't really play like the Sabres until Sunday's Game 6, got a lucky goal with 7.7 seconds left in Game 5 to swing the series in their favor, and overall did the minimum needed to advance (note: this will not work against OTT, who are better than I thought). Meanwhile, the Rangers fought to the bitter end. As for the Devils, despite Scott Gomez they barely showed up for their elimination game on Saturday; Elias had 10 shots on goal in the game, but came up empty. Meh, have fun in Newark, boys. So congrats to whomever is happy with the results.

Oh, I also picked San Jose to win it all, and they just got beat by Detroit last night. So we've got Sabes vs. Sens, and Ducks vs. Red Wings. Could we see a Hasek vs. Sabres final? It's entirely possible, but I'd have a hard time caring. I also know that I'm done blogging the Stanley Cup playoffs, save for the "Congratulations Buffalo!" or "You suck, Buffalo!" post after it's over. (Hey, they already have the President's Trophy and the #1 Merchandise Buying Fans, what more do they want?)

It's funny how my interest all but shuts off when the Devils are eliminated. And I don't even know if any of the final games will be in HD, so that also sucks.

Well, now that the playoffs are over, it's finally time for some golf!

DRINKY DRINKY: GINSANITY!

Here's a new Open Hockey feature that will be sure to be ignored in a few weeks: DRINKY DRINKY. It will cover everything from beer, wine and spirits, to the establishments that serve them and the people who drink them.

So what's the most e-mailed story on the New York Times website today . . . Iraq? GM? Global warming? The Yankees firing their conditioning coach because he was systematically debilitating their pitching staff? No, it's an article on martinis! It's about time. Thank you NYT, for providing information on all the booze that's fit to drink!

During my daily trips to the liquor store, it seems like another trendy gin pops up on the shelf. It's confusing, as they are from all corners of the globe and virtually in every price range. While some of them stick to the traditional juniper berry formulation, others contain botanicals such as angelica, cardamom, coriander, cinnamon, lemon peel, licorice, fennel and ginger. How can you sort through dozens of different gins? I would say 'very carefully' through trial and error, the error being trying them all in one sitting.

Thankfully, there are well paid drinking professionals at the NYT to do the legwork (tonguework?) for us. They rate different gins based on the quality of the martini they make (stirred not shaken, with a 5:1 gin:vermouth ratio, no mention of olives). This being the newspaper of the liberal intelligentsia, they manage to do this in the most utterly pretentious way possible. Looking for "balance, persistence and character" their reviews say things like: "The Junipero . . . came on strong with the traditional gin flavors of juniper and citrus, hitting all the right notes, though a little self-consciously." What does that even mean? And does it say something about my personality if I drink Bombay Sapphire martinis that are "jazzy" and "neurotic"?

Cutting through the nonsense, their top gin pick: Plymouth English Gin ($17.99). Others they enjoyed were: Junipero, Cadenhead’s Old Raj ($59.99), Seagram's ($7.99), Tanqueray ($17.99), Hendrick's ($23.99), Gordon's ($8.99). My personal picks would be Bombay Sapphire ($21.99), Tanqueray and Hendrick's. I'm intrigued by the Junipero, which is made by the Anchor distillery in San Francisco, and the Cadenhead Old Raj, which is from Scotland and packs a 110 proof (!) wallop. I'm also surprised by their praise of Seagram's (they were obviously DRUNK), which is ordinary at best. I do agree with their assertation about Tanqueray Ten being a little "busy" for a martini; I've always found it better with tonic and a lime twist, as it can be distracting and boisterious, without being aggressive or cantankerous. (Two can play at that obtuse adjective game, New York Times!) Their cute descriptions of each gin are also irritating: apparently the "floral notes" in Hendrick's creates a "martini in a Hawaiian shirt". Huh? That makes me picture a drunk, red-faced Chris Berman in a club flanked by strippers, and I somehow don't see him with an elegant martini in his hand--he's more the Jager and Bud Light type.

By the way, how does one become a mixologist? What schools offer mixology degrees? Can you get a scholarship based on your drinking ability? All I know is that the NH Liquor Store (where I got the listed 750ml prices from) is going to get hit hard this weekend.

Man, I'm thirsty.

P.S. Here's a martini recipe that would probably curl the toes of the NYT snobs amidst pained cries of "Why, I never!" and "This is an outrage!", but might be perfect for this weekend's Kentucky Derby:

Mint Julip Martini

3/4 cup bourbon - we suggest Maker's Mark

1/4 cup Vanilla Vodka

1 teaspoon orange liqueur (good Triple Sec, or Cointreau)

1 teaspoon peppermint schnapps

Combine all ingredients in a shaker and, well, shake. Strain into a chilled martini glass and garnish with fresh mint or an orange twist.

(As Kris pointed out, I don't know what makes this a martini, except for the glass its in.)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

The Royal Tavern in Philadephia had one of the best CD jukeboxes I've ever seen. I put in $10 and got 36 credits (I was expecting the digital juke prices, which are much higher) and off the top of my head we played songs by: Art Brut, AC/DC, Arctic Monkeys, Black Sabbath, Guided By Voices, The Stooges, New Order, Beastie Boys, Neil Young, The Cure, The Smiths, TV On The Radio, Girl Talk, Peter Bjorn & John, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Wilco, Tapes n Tapes, Johnny Cash, Band Of Horses. Okay, I'm exhausted, but you get the idea.

As golf gear goes, we all understand the allure of the $400 driver: people with loads of disposible income want to be able to think they can drive a ball 300 yards and will pay whatever it takes. But a Titleist Scotty Cameron putter that costs $299.99? For a club you don't even swing that's made up of about $7 worth of raw materials? Are you kidding?

The show "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is occasionally funny. But while watching a repeat the other night, I realized how ridiculous and unrealistic it can be. During a poker game at Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Brad Hall's house, Larry David calls another player a "cunt". Somehow this offends everyone so much they all go home. Come on! This is a word coming out of a comedian's mouth in front of a bunch of Hollywood types, and we're supposed to believe they're shocked an appalled by this? Sure they're playing it for laughs, but there's only so much neurotic bullshit that I will buy.

In Dodge's new commercials, they brag about their heated/cooled cupholders. No, they don't talk about advances in engine technology, or gas mileage: they want you to buy it for the CUPHOLDERS. Meanwhile, Toyota has passed GM as the #1 seller in the US, and everyone's wondering why. (Oh, and Mazda has to get rid of that creepy "zoom zoom" campaign while we're at it; they may have good cars, but the commercial makes me really hate them.)

BTW, I love this article about car salesmen from The Truth About Cars. Any article that starts with the following sentence is okay with me:

Sometime between the sale of the first Model T and now, the automobile business has come to represent all that is wrong with sales, marketing and advertising. According to the surveys that track respect for professions, automobile salesmen are bottom feeders, swimming just above the mud with politicians and marketing folk. Do new and used-car dealers deserve such scorn? Absolutely.

Bingo.

In closing, did you know that the Devils' American Hockey League team, the Lowell Devils, have three brothers of current players on their roster? Jordan Parise (starting goalie, 2.68 GAA in 32 G), Mike Pandolfo, and Stephen Gionta all played for the Massachusettes farm team this season. Wacky but true! Devils 2.0.

WRIST SHOTS: ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER CONTROVERSY?

Holy crap-a-rama. What an ending.

In a white knuckle ride of a game, the Rangers beat the Sabres in Game 4, dodging a bullet late to win 2-1. With about 18 seconds to go and Miller pulled from the opposing net, Lundqvist circled around the back of his goal to retrieve the puck, and instead left it for a Rangers teammate. However, the Sabres' Danny Briere gobbled up the puck and nearly stuffed it into the vacated net. Seeing it in real time, it looked like Henrik averted disaster and got his right pad over to the post just in time to keep it out of the goal. After seeing the replay I wasn't so sure, but the angle from the goal-cam certainly was not conclusive to overturn the call of "no goal" on the ice.

That camera is a little weird because the angle is not directly over the line, so there's no way to tell exactly where that puck is; unless it's clearly over the line and not blocked by something from above. The main problem is that people tend to look at it in 2 dimensions, but if you look at the photo, the puck was not sliding along the ice but it was up in Henrik's pad, so who's to say it wasn't tucked under that ridge and not over the line? (Did that make any sense?) (Of course, it would have also been nice if we could see this game in HD, because I certainly couldn't tell where the puck was in the blocky mess that was on my screen. But we're lucky the NHL can afford cameras AT ALL.)

Regardless of the crazy outcome, the Sabres were never really in this game, as the stifling Rangers defensive scheme bottled them up all night. While Maxim For Men sat on the bench, the players on the ice were ineffective: Vanek looked lost and possibly suffering from an injury (or from being European), Briere seemed to be unfocused, and overall the team again looked listless. They didn't play hard until forced to with about 6 minutes left, and by then it was too late. The power play goals that propelled the Blueshirts were scored by Jagr and Shanny, who are both the kind of wily veteran presence that the Sabres could use right now.

(A couple of notes on the Versus broadcast: it stank. I don't know who did the play-by-play, but he was too low key for an exciting game such as this, and the two color guys don't add a thing to the conversation. Plus, they never show a replay when you want to see one, and they're always putting giant promos and statistics on the bottom of the screen that block the action. I'll be happy when the regional sports networks get the games back, albeit briefly.)

So now the series is even (which I actually called correctly, right Kris?), returning to Buffalo for Game 5 Friday night. I certainly would not want to be a Sabres player right now, having to endure the carpet bombing of f-words that is sure to be dropped by coach Lindy Ruff over the next two days.

In the end, I'm glad that the on-ice officials and the magical review elf in Toronto didn't reverse the call, since there honestly was not enough video evidence to support it. If they blew this call that would have made it THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW OF CRAPPY OFFICIATING, and I would have been OFFICIALLY done with these NHL playoffs.

(One other note: I keep reading people saying "I guess the NHL wants the big market teams to win." If that's the case, then why would they screw the New York and New Jersey teams on consecutive nights? Think before you post, idiots.)

WRIST SHOTS: GREAT MOMENTS IN OFFICIATING

Alas, no sport is safe from crap referees.

Sure, there might be some bad calls here or there, and a waved-off goal in the mix, but NHL refs usually call a pretty good game. But when a garbage call basically decides a game in the playoffs it really hurts. I'm going to try to separate myself from the rest of the whining bloggers out there, and just say "Oh well"--but this clearly sucks. Ottawa clearly lucked out based on the ignored interference call in last night's 2-0 debacle. Now allow me to quote the CBS Sportsline "glog":

"In all fairness to Brodeur it is clear now that the only reason why that puck went in is because he was blatantly interfered with by Mike Fisher who innocently skated by stuck his skate out to catch Brodeur’s skate. Brodeur was turned looking for an interference call as the puck went in. The Senators just got a break no matter how unfair- play continued and they have a 1-0 lead."

I've also read some (Canadian) articles that say, "Fisher never entered the crease so it's okay", but that's incorrect. Here's Rule 78(b) in the NHL Rule Book:

"If an attacking player initiates any contact with a goalkeeper, other than incidental contact, while the goalkeeper is outside his goal crease, and a goal is scored, the goal will be disallowed."

I might as well add this quote from Fisher, while I'm seething with burning hatred of all things black and white striped:

"I got a piece of Brodeur and I tripped him up a little bit and Preissing got the shot away," Fisher said. "It was a great shot. I didn't intentionally try to trip him."

So as long as you don't "mean" to do it, just interfere with the goalie as much as you want! Even if he's not lying (why would Preisser even attempt a shot at such a horrible angle if Fisher wasn't planning to mess with Marty . . . ?), that's absolute fucking garbage. And the killer is that the Senators know it too. I don't want to hear "sometimes you get the bounces, and sometimes you don't", because that was interference, not a lucky bounce.

However, the bottom line is that the Devils still got shut out by Emery. They will probably end up losing this series, and this may never get mentioned again, but I can't get all worked up about it. Somewhere deep underneath Toronto, there's a magical elf that determines all these outcomes, and the Devils appear to be on the shit end of the stick right now.

That just means my golf season starts that much earlier.

Oh, and I guess I should wish everyone a happy MAY DAY! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! MAY DAY! For the sake of Rangers fans, hopefully Rick Jeanneret won't have anything to shout about tonight. The Sabres have been outplayed so far, and Ruff says it's time to get ugly.

WRIST SHOTS: DOUBLE OT TROUBLE

I was in Philly over the weekend, and I might have missed the best two games of the playoffs. (I missed Saturday's because I was drinking/dining/drinking, and Sunday's sitting in traffic on the NJ Turnpike--thanks, Jersey!).

The Devils and Rangers both won in dramatic fashion over the weekend, winning in double overtime games at home. Marty was (allegedly) great but gave up a tying goal late, and the Rangers (I'm told) were the beneficiary of some bad calls, most importantly a goal that was waved off. This quote is telling, from the BUF/NYR Game 3 recap:

"A review ensued and the goal was waved off, the fourth time in this year's playoffs that replay worked in the Sabres' favor."

They've benefitted from FOUR WAVED-OFF GOALS? Wow, that must be some kind of record. And they had 6 straight power plays in that game at one stretch. With all that help, how can they NOT win the Cup? Anyway, I'm still not impressed by the Sabres; they played well in Game 1 and that's about it. Sure, when they score they score in bunches, but they also do nothing in bunches (they've been held scoreless in nine of 26 periods in the playoffs). Game 4 is obviously going to be crucial for the Rangers; if they win, it's a series and a Sabres wake-up call.

As for the Devils, they had to fight just to get a win at home. At this point Marty cannot afford to take every other game off. I smell a let down, and a loss, tonight. If that happens, they are not going to win this series.

WRIST SHOTS: TIME CAPSULE

Here's my theory on the Devils 5-4 Game 1 loss at the hands of the Senators last night, so strap yourself in and get ready. I think the Devils have been through every conceivable playoff situation over the past decade, so last night they wanted to try something different. They said, "How about we go down by 4 goals early and try to come back and win?" They've already tried a 4 goal deficit early in the 3rd (vs. Pittsburgh in Game 1 back in 1999--Karl and I were there, and no they didn't win), but they wanted to give themselves more time for a comeback last night. (I didn't say it was a GOOD theory.) Well, they almost succeeded . . . but that doesn't take anything away from the fact that they sucked. I had a bad feeling going into this game, and despite the fact that they fought back to make it a game, I don't feel good about this series. There's never been a bigger must-win than Game 2 tomorrow night.

The Rangers, meanwhile, put up a valient effort for about a poeriod and a half in Game 1 before the Sabres broke the game wide open. Buffalo is sort of like lighting a damp fuse on a stick of dynamite; you know it's probably going to explode, you're just not sure when. To be fair, the Rangers are playing with 4½ defensemen (as Kenny Albert succintly put it), after losing Rozsival to an injury and putting in Rachunek after a lengthy absence, so Henrik can't stop these guys all by himself.

Meanwhile, I'm standing by the Sharks, they're still my pick out West after shutting out Detroit 2-0 in Game 1. One interesting tidbit I gleaned from this game: Pat Rissmiller, a 4th line left winger for the Sharks who played 79 games this season and had an assist last night, is the first player from Holy Cross to make it to the NHL. 'SADER NATION!

I love clicking around on old SI.com page looking for time capsule articles. How about: Sabres not flashy, but heading to finals--could it happen again (*gasp*)? Imagine if this happened today: Flyers-Leafs game marred by racial accusation. We'd have 24/7 non-stop news about it, and Reverend Al McInnis would be in the Canadian headlines every day! Then there's: Beer ingrained in hockey culture. Man, I can't wait for happy hour today.

Of course, there's also this quote: "Brett Hull scored at 14:51 of the third overtime, putting a rebound past weary Dominik Hasek on the edge of the crease as the Dallas Stars won hockey's biggest prize as much by exhaustion as execution, outlasting the Buffalo Sabres 2-1 Saturday night." See, Kris? The EDGE of the crease. Not IN the crease. So it's okay.

Here it is, my final playoff blognostication™: Sharks over Sabres in 7 games.

(Sorry, The Biggest Sabres Fan in France.)

NHL: THINKING OUTSIDE THE UNBOX

Amazon.com has an interesting new service called UNBOX that offers digital video downloads and 24 hour rentals, similar to iTunes, and you can watch them on your computer, TiVo or compatible device (and of course, the iPod is not one of them). Along with the usual titles, I noticed that the NHL has a number of things available including a few classic NHL games. Right now they only have 14, but there are some great games in there:

Philadelphia Flyers at Detroit Red Wings, 1997 06/07/1997
New Jersey Devils at New York Rangers, 1994 05/26/1994
Chicago Blackhawks at Pittsburgh Penguins, 1992 05/27/1992
Pittsburgh Penguins at Minnesota North Stars, 1991 05/26/1991
Calgary Flames at Montreal Canadiens, 1989 05/26/1989
Philadelphia Flyers at Edmonton Oilers, 1987 06/01/1987
Quebec Nordiques at Montreal Canadiens, 1985 05/03/1985
New York Rangers at New York Islanders, 1984 04/11/1984
Philadelphia Flyers at New York Islanders, 1980 05/25/1980
Boston Bruins at Montreal Canadiens, 1979 05/11/1979
Montreal Canadiens at Boston Bruins, 1977 05/15/1977
Philadelphia Flyers at Buffalo Sabres, 1975 05/28/1975
Toronto Maple Leafs at Montreal Canadiens, 1967 05/03/1967
Toronto Maple Leafs at Detroit Red Wings, 1964 04/24/1964

Most of the above games are Cup clinching games, or pivotal conference matchups. I don't know if I would spend $3 to have a digital copy of the Devils/Rangers Game 6 from 1994 (couldn't they include just one Devils win???), but it's an interesting idea.

I know the NHL is trying their darnedest to market the sport. I don't think they should be charging extra for this year's playoffs, but hey I'm not the commissioner.

OPENING THE OPEN HOCKEY E-MAILSACK

It's time to open the Open Hockey E-Mailsack, because I said so, and because everyone wants to know what's in my large sack! Someone asked a question that was sure to rile me up, because it's about the local playoff hockey HD broadcast schedule!

Q: "Rangers are on Vs (Wednesday night), does that mean there is no HiDef ?" - Rob V. from Rockland County, NY

A: Ugh, I wish you hadn't brought this up.

Short answer: Yep. But it's worse than just Game 1 (see the official NYR press release). Unless you're one of the lucky few Comcast customers that has VersusHD, you're screwed for ALL 7 POSSIBLE GAMES, except the 2 NBC weekend games. So even though us Cablevision subscribers got about 60 Rangers games in HD during the season, for the 2nd round of the playoffs we'll get a MAXIMUM of 2 . Oh, and here's the kick in the ass: games 5 and 7 (if necessary) will be on MSG . . . in SD! And because of blackout rules, out-of-market viewers will be able to see these in HD on Versus! Brilliant.

As for the Devils, I've heard that the home games are on FSNY-HD (thank god). But NBC completely avoids that series, which is also probably a good thing. For both teams the away games (in Buffalo and Ottawa) will not be in HD. (As of 5 PM today, I have no idea if it's actually on in HD, since it's not scheduled.)

No, really Mr. Bettman, attendance is up 0.1%, you're doing a bang-up job, don't listen to what anyone's saying! And Mr. Dolan, just stay the course, because according to your bank account everything's fine!

It might be time to move to Canada (I believe that CBC HD and TSN HD carry all the games, except for those @Anaheim).

WORD OF THE WEEK: TACITURN

taciturn
[ 'ta-s&-"t&rn]
Function: adjective
Etymology: French or Latin; French taciturne, from Middle French, from Latin taciturnus, from tacitus
: temperamentally disinclined to talk

synonym see SILENT

TRAILERS FROM HELL

See the world famous Eye-Opener blog for this post.

2007 STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS: SECOND ROUND

Hi there, hockey blogfans! God, I'm tired. I saw one of my indie rock heroes Spoon last night in Asbury Park, NJ (BRUUUUUUUUUUCE!) and didn't get home until 12:30 (although, getting back from a NYC show is usually later). Great show, but now I'm paying for it.

In the first round of my Stanley Cup® Playoff Blognostications™ I went 6/8, same as in 2006. I called Ducks in 5, and Devils in 6, and got burned by Ottawa and Detroit (which I don't pick winning the second round). So here's my latest round of earthshattering (albeit quick) picks.


WALES/EAST
(1) Buffalo vs (6) NY Rangers. It comes down to the Rangers D and Lundqvist's goaltending (what is a "qvist" anyway?), but in the end Buffalo is just too deep and too good. Oh, and Avery, maybe you should shut the hell up, because you're no Messier. Sabres in 6.

(2) New Jersey vs (4) Ottawa. I don't feel overly confident here, since I've seen my team crap out here many times. But if we get more of 'Marty being Marty' like we did in the last few games, they have a shot. I agree with Salo, if it goes 7, Ottawa will win, but nonetheless I say . . . Devils in 6.


CAMPBELL/WEST
(2) Anaheim vs (3) Vancouver. The Canucks vs. the Duck D means they will barely score at all in this series. Sorry, Canada. Ducks in 5.

(1) Detroit vs (5) San Jose. SJ are my sleeper pick to come out of the West, and I think a Duck/Shark matchup would be ideal. Did I mention that Hasek's groin being strangely intact lately? Sharks in 7.

That's it. And yeah, that's Heroes star Hayden "The Baker" Panettiere with the Cup again.

Okay, I need a nap.

CARTOONSDAY!

Here's a classic Yosemite Sam/Bugs Bunny cartoon from 1950 entitled "Mutiny on the Bunny". These two turned the old "No, I'm not!" Yes I am!" routine into an art form.

BUGS BUNNY&SAM-MUTINY ON THE BUNNY (VO)
Uploaded by pierrot77

WRIST SHOTS: BEASTS OF THE EAST

The Prince Of Wales [Eastern] Conference final four are set: Devils vs. Senators, and Sabres vs. Rangers. The Devils looked solid finishing off TB in 6 (bye bye, Tortorella!), but I fear they will have more trouble with Ottawa. Of course, I picked the Sens to lose in the first round . . .

Some other quick notes:

• Detroit finally finished off the Flames, winning 2-1 last night in 2 OT despite 53 saves by Kiprusoff--sweet Jebus, does Calgary have ANY DEFENSE??? In my opinion they deserved to lose after their garbage-time douchebaggery in Game 5 on Saturday (just like with Tortorella's team, they totally lost my respect). Maybe the fans were right, and ironically named Calgary coach Jim Playfair should have been fired after Game 2.

• Someone (besides me, I know it's hard to believe) came up with a NHL Stanley Cup playoffs drinking game. The best one is: "Ryan Miller makes a save look harder than it is". Man, he does this a lot. I hold my liquor pretty well, but even I can't drink that much. The coach part is funny too, especially the "Tortorella smiles sarcastically". Well, not any more, unless it's on the golf course.

• I love how the most boring series, between two teams that have no offense, has become "the best goalie battle in years!" (VANDAL). Regardless, it's the only remaining game in the first round, as well as the only Game 7, and it's in Vancouver so it should be fun to watch (too bad it's on at 9 PM).

• I'm already sick of Brett Hull on NBC, he's horrible. It seems like every time he says something the other guys don't know how to react, as his comments are either sarcastic or just plain incongruous. The whole '30 Rock' booth is completely awkward, and Bill "Clement Clement Hands of Cement" surely doesn't help things. And just like there are no ties in hockey, Ray "Chicken Parm" Ferraro's ties also have to go. ZING!

• NHL.com has decided that one of the top 5 most important articles on their website is what Edge thinks of the Devils chances in the playoffs. He even took time out from his European tour with U2 to comment . . . oh wait, it's not the guitarist, but the WWE wrestler. Either way, NHL Connect, which is trying hard to be a Myspace-like "networking" site, is pretty awful. However, I did find Christie Brinkley's site, where she claims to be a 17 year old from Pacific Palisades, CA--yeah right! That's what I've been claiming too! But here's the hands-down worst "profile" on the whole site: THE STANLEY CUP.

Stanley Cup
Location: TORONTO, ON
Gender: Male
Age: 114
Favorite NHL team: Undecided
Favorite player(s): All of them, past and present
Favorite sports/teams: The NHL, of course!
Music: "The Good Old Hockey Game, " By Stompin' Tom Connors
Books: The Official NHL Guide and Record Book
Movies: Anything with hockey: Miracle on Ice, Slap Shot, Mystery Alaska, Youngblood....

Profile
Bonjour! Hello! My name is Stanley, and I’m the oldest trophy in North American professional sports. I was born in England, but now I live in Toronto, Canada. Oh, and I love hockey! I've probably seen more games than anyone else on this board. If you have a hockey question, feel free to drop me a line below or at stanleycup@nhl.com

Ha ha, Youngblood! He's also lying about his age, didn't he just turn 115 in March? I sure hope Mr. Cup adds me to his list of friends.

WRIST SHOTS: JOHN TORTORELLA IS AN ASSHAT

As Marty goes, so go the Devils. Well, they look like contenders again after a solid outing by Brodeur last night. He stopped all 31 shots in a 3-0 shutout win in Game 5. It's about time! This was his 22nd SO in the playoffs (one behind Roy).

However, after Gomez scored into an empty net to seal it with 1:47 left, TB coach John Tortorella decided to send out his goons to pick two separate fights with Mike Rupp and notorious enforcer . . . Jamie Langenbrunner? WTF? The whole time he was jawing and gesticulating wildly at assistant coach Johnny McLean, and as of today he hasn't given any reasonable explanation for this. But it gets better: here's a brief postgame interview.



What a jerk, dropping an F-bomb on NY Post reporter Larry Brooks. And no, I'm not defending the reporter, as anyone who is employed by the Post has a dark secret that prevents them from getting a legitimate job in journalism. But I had respected this team until last night and the thuggery of their asshat of a coach. I hope the Lightning get drubbed tomorrow afternoon.

The Sabres finished off the Isles in 5, winning 4-3 in the HSBC last night. I give the less-talented Isles credit for never quitting, and playing well against a largely lethargic Buffalo squad, making a final sprawling save by Miller with 0:12 left frighteningly necessary. The Sabres remind me of the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez: immensely talented but occasionally lacking focus. Maybe they have a second gear for the second round--let's see.

The Predators became the prey, as the Sharks chewed up and spit them out to advance in 5. Ugh, don't you hate when sportswriters use stupid puns like that? So do I.

The Flames are well on their way towards losing today in Detroit, to go down 3 games to 2. The Red Wings should close this thing out in 6, as should Vancouver down in Big D tonight.

TRIVIA QUESTION (stolen from FSN last night): How many of the current 30 teams in the NHL have never won the Stanley Cup?
a. 7
b. 14
c. 18
d. 21

WRIST SHOTS: WHO'S THRASHING WHO?

All I had to do yesterday is merely mention The Rangers' Michael Nylander, and he calmly responded by banging out a HAT TRICK! This goes beyond mere blognostication; this is like telekinesis wrapped in an extrasensory perception blanket, like bending spoons from 50 miles away. Okay, maybe not, but I'm sure my positive blog energy ("blogergy") helped his mystical aura during that 7-0 Thrashers trashing.

So I thought I should test this theory before tonight's games. Rob suggested that I say something like "I don’t think Lecavalier has missed a game due to injury since he was 5", but that's too negative. Along the same lines, I was going to say "It's been a while since a Sabres player has suffered a concussion", but that's even more nasty and I don't really want them to lose, per se; I just want the Isles to make it a series.

Let me just say before the Devil Dogs/Lightning Bugs Game 4 that it's been a long time since the last Brodeur shutout (Feb. 27). And Langenbrunner is way overdue to have a big night.

Thanks.

(And remind me to say something about Hasek's uncharacteristically resilient groin tomorrow.)

WRIST SHOTS: NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE

Some quick notes on the NHL playoffs:

The Devils are down 2-1 and on the brink of losing this series. I give Tampa Bay full credit for the way they've attacked Marty: odd-angle shots, pouncing on rebounds. I won't make excuses for Marty, like "he peaked too early" or "he's tired from playing too many games"--basically he's being outplayed, just like last year against Carolina. And while Parise has been good, Vinny Lecavalier has been better.

The Devils' coach was fired with 3 games left in the season; can a coach be fired just 3 games into the playoffs? Believe it or not, those jumpy Canadians think so! Regardless, Calgary sucks out loud. They got outshot 51-15 in Sunday's 3-1 loss, and took about 14 penalties in the 1st on their way to a 2-0 series deficit. They have given up 97 shots in 2 games! Meanwhile, Iginla only has 2 himself. I'm really sorry I picked them as my upset special.

Islanders fans are big babies for throwing crap on the ice after losing game 3 to Buffalo last night; I really hope they were trying to hit Bettman in the head. Yes, the Robitaille penalty late in the game was garbage, but that didn't decide the game. The Sabres have been outplayed in this series, but it doesn't matter; they're better and can sleepwalk through this round.

The Rangers have played solid, disciplined hockey, refusing to be intimidated by the Thrashers physical play to take a 2-0 series lead. I'm impressed with Nylander the most, a very underrated player who consistently makes the right play. They can effectively end their series by going up 3-0 with a win tonight.

Malkin has been the difference for the Pens, and not in a good way; no goals, and he's been knocked around by a poised Sens team. Ottawa should wrap up this series in 5.

The other series are going as expected, with SJ/NAS being the nastiest, and the Ducks having the easiest time.

Sportsline asks "First round too long for you?" My answer: No it isn't, you stupid assholes! This is the best time of the year, as far as I'm concerned. Whomever wrote that isn't an NHL fan.

CARTOONSDAY!

Here's a classic Chuck Jones cartoon featuring Wile E. Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner (naturally): "Gee Whiz-z-z-z-z-z-z" (1955).


Road Runner - Watch more amazing videos here

The ACME Bat-Man's Costume. Priceless.

WORD OF THE WEEK: NOR'EASTER

nor'easter
[Pronounced: nor-'E-st&r]
Function: noun
a storm with northeast winds

NOR'EASTER
A cyclonic storm occurring off the east coast of North America. These winter weather events are notorious for producing heavy snow, rain, and tremendous waves that crash onto Atlantic beaches, often causing beach erosion and structural damage. Wind gusts associated with these storms can exceed hurricane force in intensity. A nor'easter gets its name from the continuously strong northeasterly winds blowing in from the ocean ahead of the storm and over the coastal areas.

WET & TAXING MONDAY

Welcome to the blog with the world's worst color scheme. I've never been much of a colorist, an interior designer, a painter, or an artist. I've never been able to match a tie with a jacket and suit, and I don't know what burnt sienna is and why we had to burn it in the first place. If these colors are brutal to look at, that's the reason why and I apologize. I was getting all sorts of errors from the various crap that loaded in the sidebar so I gave up and went with the new Blogger layout. No, I'm not thrilled with it either, and now I can't get the Statcounter to work among other things. Eventually I'll fix it so it doesn't burn your retinas, if anyone is actually reading this.

Let me sum up every conversation I've had so far today: "flooding, traffic, Nor'easter, accident, wet, windy, rain!" Yes, we're getting a lot of rain, and yes the roads were probably bad, although I don't have much of a commute so I can't really comment on that--but can we move on now? It's a taxing day for a lot of people, no doubt. (Get it?)

I guess I should add one more word to the hot-button water-cooler-talk list: "TAXES!" On this Tax Monday, let me just give a shout out to TurboTax Online, which was incredibly easy to use. I actually got my taxes done in MID MARCH, a new personal best, and all I had to do was give them $25.95 (plus tax!). Not a bad trade-off for my lazy ass, and since it's all electronic I never had to write anything or mail in any forms.

(Someone told me they're actually not due until tomorrow, because the Andover, Mass. office is closed for Patriot's Day.)

Did you know that CompUSA is owned by a Mexican guy? Yuppers! And his name is Carlos Slim--could the guy sound any shadier? Anyway, they're closing hundreds of stores across the country (including West Nyack and White Plains), and not a moment too soon, because their prices and customer service suck. I almost bought a laptop before I realized that they're prices are HIGHER during their "clearance". Of course that leaves Best Buy as the only place to go for computer gear . . . which is a crappy alternative. My suggestion: NEWEGG.COM.

QUICK NOTES

Since I'm tired of talking/reading about it just like everyone else must be, this Jason Whitlock article ("Imus isn't the real bad guy") sums up how I feel about this whole Imus nonsense.

Kris pointed me to this Sportsline article by Mike Freeman ("Real man of genius: Mr. Spoiler of all things hockey"), which sums up how I feel about Gary "Fucking" Bettman.

OT

The NHL playoffs kicked off in fine style last night with TWO OT games: the Sharks beating the Preds in 2 OT and Vancouver upping the ante by beating Dallas in 4 OT. Wow! I watched a little of the beginning of VAN/DAL, and I think they should make identical twin brothers on the same team illegal--the Sedins CAN READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS! It's been proven! That game probably ended at 3:30 AM Eastern time, and I sure hope we don't have a similar scenario tonight because I need sleep. Tonight, we've got Devils, Rangers, Sabres and Isles--it's almost too much. (Oh, don't forget the HNA Landsharks. ) But I'm not going to complain, this is what I wanted. I don't even care that the rest of the East outside of Canada and the New York area is probably not watching, because I'm selfish. (And don't try to convince me that Tampa and Atlanta give a crap.) Oh, and I know I whine about this alot, but out of the 4 games on tonight only one is in HD (Devils/Lightning). Normally, all three local teams will be in HD but since they all play on the same night,

(Let me just mention that Sportsline's scoreboard, and the site in general, are clueless. When I got into work, both OT games were listed as "SH", or wins in the shootout, an obvious holdover from the regular season. COME ON! AM I THE ONLY ONE PAYING ATTENTION??? Of course, they also have "Watch the Masters Live" ads on their site, so they're not really on top of things. Sure, they eventually fixed it, but I'll stick with sites like TSN that get it right the first time.)

The typical overtime game in the playoffs goes like this: 2 minutes of furious action and scoring chances, followed by 18 minutes of uninspiring play; repeat until done. Multiple OTs are the result of the teams playing extremely close to the vest to avoid making that game-ending mistake: defensemen usually stay at home, teams take short shifts, goalies cover up everything nearby, and overall everyone tenses up. More often than not, one of these games are decided on a cheesy goal or a weird bounce. But if you have something invested in the game, or are rooting for one of the teams, you have to watch because it can end in the blink of an eye.

I just hope this doesn't lead to the NHL bringing the shootout into the playoffs (I'm looking at you, Buccigross). I don't mind the shootout as it is, even though the novelty of it has worn off turning it into a mere skills competition. It's fine relegated to the regular season, but the 'golden goal' will ruin the drama that is postseason hockey. If they really need to, they can make teams skate 4 on 4 for a couple of OTs, and then 3 on 3 until someone scores. Heck, pull both goalies for all I care! We've already seen a shootout decide a playoff berth (hello, Islanders!), I really don't want to see it decide a Cup champion.

However, the best idea was by Kris, in a chat we had earlier: COACH FIGHT!

Kris: if it goes to 4 OTs, the coaches have to strip to their skivvies and fight it out in a mano a mano deathmatch . . . it'll make the following games of the series that much more fun

me: I'd take Lindy over Nolan in that case

Kris: I'd take Lindy over most...Too bad Pat Quinn isn't still around. i'd pay to see Lindy f--k him up

me: Lou Lamoriello would hit you with his money clip, he probably fights like a girl. I think Laviolette carries pepper spray at all times, like Dwight Schrute

Kris: yeah...Laviolette doesn't seem like much of a fighter...Him vs Paul Maurice...that might be a fair match up

"...and then Schrute pulled out a can of hair spray and a lighter..."

We'll see. Just don't, sweet Jebus, don't put the shootout in the Stanley Cup playoffs!

In closing, this is officially my favorite hockey scratch explanation:

Vancouver D Brent Sopel didn't play after hurting his back trying to pick up a cracker from the floor Tuesday, coach Alain Vigneault said. Rory Fitzpatrick took his place.

As Vertullo said, "I can only assume the coach will be fired for his racist remark." Damn straight! I blame the crackers for everything that's wrong in the world.

RASPBERRY LAMBIC IS FOR PUSSIES. REAL MEN DRINK BANANA BREAD BEER.

I'm taking advantage of posting this on Open Hockey to express myself. I'm going for the post-title of the year.

Anyway, Julie was in London a couple of weeks ago (or last week...who can keep track, that chick travels more in a month than I do in a year) and she brought back some beer. She's good about that...She'll ask her distributors for advice about beer and get whatever they like for me. Anyway, I don't know this distributor, but he apparently swings to the fruity side of things; he suggested Wells Banana Bread Beer. The company that imports Hooray Beer! Red Stripe and Mexican Toilet Swill Corona to England brings us this "intriguing, award-winning beer" that kinda realifies the moniker "Liquid Bread."

Honestly, if it wasn't British, I would've turned my nose up at it and left it in the fridge for months or years...but come on, the Brits brought us IPA and Porter, they can't be completely off their rocker when it comes to beer. It'd be like not drinking a Bordeaux because there wasn't Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot grapes it in...it's just not done. So; looking at the bottle, I'm informed that it's a "Full English Pint" none of this shitty "Europeanization" crap. These fuckers mean business to the tune of 568ml (that's like 19 fl oz). This poses a problem. All my pint glasses were "acquired" in bars that serve non-English pints. I thought my Old Speckled Hen glass was up to the task...Alas, nothing could solve the problem...I still had a couple of drops left in the bottle. Oh well...the sole solution is the take a few sips to liberate the space for the remainder.

I read another review that spoke of the aftertaste being pleasantly bananatastic...I got a full Banana from the get go...but not in a bad way. The fair trade bananas used in this brew are not sweeted (a frequent problem that I've found with fruit-fortified brews), so this doesn't get that "I can't drink another drop" sweetness that certain others have displayed.

It hits your palate with a surge of banana, but it kind mellows out. It's banana all the way through, it's ind of refreshing and interesting. I'll tell you. I wanted to dislike this beer. I mean who puts banana in a beer, but it really was an different beer. It's a change from the Heinishit that I usually drink here (it's better than "33" believe me) and it actually goes down quite well...in fact, my glass is totally empty (or "completely lacking fullness" if you prefer) and I could go for another; but only one more...I'm sure that more than two of these babies and you would be spending the better part of the evening near the piss trough of your local. It's not too sweet, but it's sweet enough that you'd want to quickly shift to something a bit less fruity, if you will. The aftertaste does have a bit of bitterness to it, but I've always found that the best solution to bitter aftertaste is to not allow the aftertaste to hit between sips...No honestly, the aftertaste is completely acceptable, although while burping you get the distinct feeling that you just ate a pound of bananas.

I do vote the logo for this beer as my #1 for the summer-season 2007; without touching another summer beer, I am sure I won't find one better than the one below.

So, in conclusion: Banana + Beer ≠ Bad. If you have a chance, I suggest that you do taste it, just to say "yeah, I've had Banana Bread Beer." But I would also say...if you're in England on a beer-tour, you'll probably want to spend more time tasting porters, bitters, IPAs, pilsners, ales and what have you. This beer is the answer to the question that very few people asked: "What other fruit can use to brew beer?"