SATAN'S SPAWN AND THE DEVILS' NEMESIS

New York Islander Miroslav Satan's wife just hatched what appears to be a normal baby boy. Contrary to rumors, they named their Satanic beelzebaby "Miroslav, Jr." and NOT Damien. On the ice, Satan seems to have the number of the Devils' Brodeur, as he scored shootout goals to help the Isles win the last two meetings against the Devils. And I have to say, it's kind of bizarre to see the Rangers and Sabres in the top 6 of the SI.com NHL power rankings, but there it is. The Rangers would meet the Devils in the first round of the playoffs "if the season ended today". I love that statement, and one of these days they should actually do that:

"Yeah, hi, is this the Anaheim Mighty Ducks? This is Commissioner Bettman, and I've decided that we're going to end the season today. Well, I just think everyone is just kind of bored with it, and it's Sweeps Month so I think it's time we start the Stanley Cup playoffs. I hope this weekend works for you guys. Thanks! Oh, and call the next team on the list, I think it's Atlanta."

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In order for this blog to live up to Kris Salo's R-rating (I thought it was a solid PG-13), let me just say FUCK Barry Bonds' "man bag" AND baseball, and screw the NFL labor talks, it's time for the 2006 BIG EAST TOURNAMENT. In the first game, Syracuse knocked Cincinnati out of it on a stunning 3 pointer by Jerry McNamara with 0.3 seconds left to kick it off in mad crazy style. They'll meet UConn tomorrow, and the rest of the matchups are:
Villanova vs. Rutgers/S. Hall winner, Marquette vs. Georgetown/ND winner, W. Virginia vs. Pitt/Louisville winner. Of course, this means more to the bubble teams (the Hall, the Cuse, the Bearcats), than those already in the Big Dance. But since there's a chance 8 teams could represent this conference come Selection Sunday, you're not going to find more college basketball talent in one building than MSG will feature this weekend. Pure madness!

Here are the full Division I men's basketball standings so you can get your bracketology started early, and reacquaint yourself with the Salukis, the Great Danes, and the Quakers. Oral Roberts? You bet!

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Here are the SI.com Golf Power Rankings! Okay, this list actually sucks (most of the "Top 9" are a joke, with two women, a commentator and a caddie in there), but at least it's golf. I liked Penn & Teller's Ford commercials, which injected some humor into an otherwise dull, Tiger's-got-it-locked-up, final round.

Speaking of, it's now only ONE MONTH TO THE MASTERS, which will be the first golf tournament we'll get to see broadcast in glorious widescreen HD. Apparently some of the greats are ripping the new changes to the old Augusta course. According to the April issue of Golf Digest, Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer are both "disappointed that they've not been consulted on any of the recent changes that have occurred to the course, despite the fact that (or maybe because) they're both golf course architects. Nicklaus says some changes, which were supervised by consulting golf architect Tom Fazio, looked as if they were done 'by somebody who doesn't know how to play golf.'"

Ouch. I don't think these statements are completely fair; I think the older players are not really in touch with today's game, and may be a little blinded by their own nostalgia. First of all, there's no avoiding the fact that these courses have to be made longer; Nicklaus sells his own brand of golf clubs, so he should know how much the equipment has changed this game. I watched Villegas hit the green on the 245 yard par 3 13th with a freaking 5 iron, and this is a guy who, compared to the rest of the field, is built like a jockey (5' 9"/160). At 7,445 yards, the par 72 Augusta National course is 155 yards longer than it was in 2005, and 520 yards more than in 1997 (Tiger's first win). The six holes changed this year have all had the tee boxes moved back, anywhere from 10 to 35 yards. Of course, length isn't the only way to make a course more challenging: increasing the length of the second cut of rough, and making the putting surface quicker, both can work.

Regardless, there's no way to compare today's clubs and courses to the days when Arnie and the Golden Bear ruled the roost with their persimmon woods and mashie niblicks, so I think we're going to have to live with it. At least they're moving the tee boxes back to make it harder, and not moving the fences in, turning their sport into a cartoonish shell of its former self (Major League Baseball, I'm looking at you).

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It cracks me up when people get aggressively hideous tattoos just to draw attention to themselves. However, it's even funnier when they get "Asian" symbols permanently grafted to their skin when they're not even sure what they mean. This website attempts to translate into English some of the Japanese and Chinese characters that people are getting inked nowadays. Some of the results, unbeknownst to the recipient, are quite funny and completely unreadable and/or nonsensical, like the fake Justin Timberlake tat that says "ice skating" (which is meant to make him look "bad ass" for a movie role). Oh, and be sure to check out Engrish.com, for the unintentionally hilarious attempts by various Asian businesses to encorporate English into their ads and signs (which is the opposite of the above website).