Sunday, December 31, 2006


2006 was another year. That's all I can say, it wasn't bad or good, it was just THERE. I didn't work this week and didn't do a thing, and even those at work were probably just idling AND waiting for the year to end. So let's just turn the damn calendar over already. Maybe I'll slap together a Top Ten things in 2006 that didn't piss me off year-in-review crap list for the Eye=Opener, eventually. Until then, this is all I've got. Enjoy.

NOTES FROM CAPITALONE BOWL WEEK. Once again, there were some fun games to watch. Here are my notes:

Hawai'i Bowl. Strangely enough this game was played in Hawaii, and featured Hawaii vs. someone. That someone was AZ state, and QB Colt Brennan (great name!) lit him up for a record 558 yards and 5 TDs in a 41-24 win.

Because they couldn't come to an agreement with the stadium vendors, there was no pizza served at the Papa John's Bowl. What a retarded country we live in.

Emerald Nut Bowl.
There were 3 Emerald Nut sacks in the game.

Meineke "George Foreman Has Himself And A Family To Feed" Car Care Bowl. You always have to root for the service academies in these bowl games, so it was a heartbreaker to see Navy fumble this game away, allowing BC to kick a game-winning FG as time expired. Ugh.

Sun Bowl. The Oregon State coach displayed the biggest set of balls by going for 2 with time running out to win 39-38. I think their D was out of gas anyway, so it was a good choice.

Insight Bowl. Featuring the biggest bowl game comeback ever, the Texas Tech Red Raiders, down 4 TDs at the half and 38-7 with 7:47 in the 3rd, came storming back to win 44-41 in OT. That was fun to watch.

Texas Bowl. And of course, the mighty Scarlet Knights of Rutgers dominated K-State to win their first bowl game 37-10. Way to go, RU!

THE YEAR IN BLOGNOSTICATIONS. I went 6/8 in the NHL playoffs, didn't guess a single golf major correctly, got nearly every MLB postseason guess wrong, and nailed Pat Quinn's firing within 24 hours. A mixed bag to say the least.

As for the National Fucktard Football League, I said McNabb would get hurt in Week 10 (right on!), Sweet Shaun Alexander would get hit with the Madden Curse (he did). Of course, I also thought the Jets would win 3 (they won 10!), and that Detroit would be improved (they lost 13, vs. "only" 11 last year). I also (not) famously said the Giants would go 8-8 and miss the playoffs . . . which contradicted this earlier post, where I said they'd go 9-7 and make the playoffs. Huh? Whatever, they still suck. And Tiki singlehandedly carried them in Week 17, and they made it in despite the "efforts" of Eli and the coaching staff. (Why can't Tiki stay and the REST of the team retire?) Overall, I had no idea how much the NFC was going to blow. Regardless, I got 8/12 playoff teams correct, so there.

FINAL NFL UPSET SPECIAL: Pittsburgh (+6) will beat Cincinnati. I had faith in Ocho Cinco, but the Bungles stinko, and so does my lousy Bears/Bengals Big Game #41 prediction. (I think San Diego is scary good, which means they won't win.)

That's it. I'm tired from doing nothing.


Monday, December 25, 2006

Thursday, December 21, 2006


I work with someone named Yuling He. Of course, this means her (that's right: He's a she!) Windows username is "hey". You can't write comedy like that. I'm so glad today is my LAST DAY OF WORK FOR 2006. Ugh.

I sorta missed the beginning of CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK, as the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl was on Tuesday night (by all reports). I know tonight features Oregon and their new Nike "mood helmets", but it doesn't really get started for me until they bust out the Emerald Nut. If the QB gets tackled behind the line by either defense, do they call it an "Emerald Nut sack"?

I just found out that Sears has Golden Tee (the full stand-up version) on sale for $3300! Had I known that, I would have bought a Corolla AND Golden Tee for the same price as my RAV-4. (I named her RAVEN BLUE. Actually, I shouldn't have typed that, you might think I'm weird. Never mind.)

The highlight of the week had to be the bizarre and hilarious Colbert Report last night, featuring "STEVEN COLBERT'S ROCK AND AWE: COUNTDOWN TO GUITARMEGEDDON", a "shred-off" featuring the leader of the 80s band "Stephen and the Colberts" vs. The Decemberists guitarist, Chris Funk. I don't know what the writers are drinking, but it was fantastic and LLOL funny.

I'm leaving for 4/5 glorious days in Maine tomorrow night, so see you on the other side.



Sunday, December 17, 2006


I am in serious need of a new computer desk. Ever since the Great Basement Apartment Flood Of 2005, I've been making do with some sort of end table (it's amazing how long I'll put up with shit, like my entire lab career). I've been looking around for a real honest-to-goodness wooden desk with a surface big enough to play shuffleboard on, but I'll probably end up with something from IKEA's "Sweden Was Just Going To Burn It Anyway" Collection. As it stands, I hate blogging here at home because it gives me a backache, so I only end up doing it at work (again, fuck you, lab!). So here's my lame ass blog for the day.

God bless MSG Network! I didn't even know they had programming other than hockey and basketball games, and as witnessed last night, they don't. Apparently, they turn into the Hot Air Balloon Network after hours. Who knew? Maybe it was the alcohol I was consuming, but I swear that after the Rangers game debacle ended they devoted the rest of the night to hot air ballooning. Is this now considered a sport? Are they boldly trying to set the next new trend to unseat poker? All I know is if I drank anymore Woodford Reserve I probably would have woke up thinking, "How did I get home last night? A hot air balloon?" Or even worse: I would have been strong armed into buying a hot air balloon by the paid programming scam that is the Hot Air Balloon Network. God, I've said "hot air balloon" so many times the term has lost all meaning. Anyway, god bless the HAB Network! (Oh, they also have Summer Sanders, so that's okay with me.)

Captain Morgan was in Bourbon Street last night. That's right: THE Captain himself. First of all, what is he a captain of? And who did he blow to even get promoted higher than lieutenant? If you ask me, Captain Kangaroo did more in service to this country (kids TV), and should have at least been made an admiral. What a joke. Seriously, how much would they have to pay you to dress up in a fucking pirate costume complete with a massive fake beard and push crappy spiced rum on bar patrons? Whatever it is, they couldn't afford me. Hey, I have an idea: why don't they have a guy from Brooklyn go bar-to-bar promoting Brooklyn Lager, flanked by skanky baseball bat wielding "Brooklyn Girls" who force you to drink their product or else they'll break your kneecaps? Just a thought.

Just a quick note about Bourbon Street in Nyack. In the last month alone, we've managed to: persuade them to play XM Lucy on the radio, keep Cutty Sark in stock for Rob, and convince them to show every available hockey game (at one point, 5 of the 8 available TVs had hockey on). Yeah, they know who butters their sourdough po' boy bread. All we have to do is get them an HD box and we might never leave.

Man, I'm babbling. Let's get to the UPSET SPECIAL.

After having to sit through one of the most miserably played NFL games in recent memory (thanks NFL Network!), I realized that 90% of the matchups this week are sucktacular. (Tampa @ Chicago? Cleveland @ Baltimore? Ugh.) As for the UPSET SPECIAL for the week known as #15, I couldn't even come up with a matchup that was the least bit interesting. So this is what I came up with: after the Jag-gernauts' stunning ho-slapping of the Colts last week, they will come down to Earth and be upset by the Tennessee Vinceyoungs (+3.5).

One last thing: word is that the NFL's Sunday Ticket anti-trust agreement with DirecTV will be broken up by Congress, making it available to any cable/satellite/fiberoptic service provider (a package that anyone in Canada can get--yeah, that's officially screwed up). But the longterm plan for the NFL is that once their deals with the networks and ESPN expire, that they're keen on broadcasting all the games themselves. That combined with some uninspiring teams and matchups will be the death of this league (like the NBA and their eroding viewer base). Oh, and NFLN, stop fucking with the NCAA bowl games, most notably the Rutgers appearance in the Texas Bowl, which most of the country will NOT get to see because of the pissing contests that these networks and cable companies get into. Hey NFLN, you've already proven you're completly incapable of showing your own NFL games, don't screw with the NCAA! Especially during CapitalOne® Bowl Week. Dicks.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


Here's one of those moments where I have nothing at all to say. People blog all the time, every day, several times a day, and I can't figure out how they do it. They must all be getting paid to post such timely witticisms, because I just can't hack it. All I want to say is my UPSET SPECIAL, the New Orleans Saints (+6.5), got it done on Sunday night. Yeah, I know I didn't get a chance to post it, but this is my blog and that was my choice: check my Week 14 pick 'em sheet if you don't believe me. I'm surprisingly high up on the Deadspin Pants Party leaderboard (tied for 51st out of 2512 people).

Anyway, thanks again to Cablefuckingvision for not showing the Sabres/Devils game in HD last night (instead we got to see the Rangers play the last place Flyers); I couldn't even watch it because the picture on OLN Versus The Rodeo Channel looks like crap. The Devils dominated the 1st but didn't score; the Sabres took over after that, and held on for a 3-2 win. THIS JUST IN: THE SABRES ARE GOOD (ALTHOUGH THEY'RE NO DUCKS). On the other hand, although Monday night's entertaining Caps/Pens game (in HD) was billed as "Ovechkin vs. Crosby I", the spotlight was stolen by Malkin's sweet head fake to beat Kolzig during the shootout. If the Pens had a good goalie, they'd be in first place. Regardless, it would be great if the Islanders, Devils, Rangers and Penguins were all in the hunt for the Atlantic Division crown.

It's funny, because as soon as me and my parents each got our respective HDTVs, we've discover that there's NOTHING TO WATCH (and my parents will watch almost anything). For some reason, multiple shows have chosen to have "fall finales" (Lost, Heroes, neither of which I'm interested in following anymore), and others end in midseason (like TARX). I turn the TV on primarily to watch a sporting event in HD, and maybe catch The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Simpsons, or something on the Discovery Science Channel, and that's it.

So I'm not sure why I didn't just go to bed after watching another humorous Colbert Report, because shortly thereafter I stumbled upon Howard Stern on Letterman. I have to say that I wasn't amused or repulsed by his appearance; he's now in that "meh" category to me. Afterwards, I sat in disbelief while Gwen Stefani yodeled through her new craptacular song. And no, I'm not making a joke here: she fucking yodels. If this is what passes for "pop music" nowadays, that's the way it goes (the 70s disco years were no better), but I never thought I'd long for the "No Doubt years". Regardless, I can never get that 3 minutes back; I think just watching and listening to that song made me dumber.

(BTW, I'm not interested in The Amazing Race: All-Stars Edition, coming in February. I like to see new teams of 2 try to win the million bucks, not a bunch of reality show whores like Rob and Ambuh. Screw TARASE!)

Dwyane Wade is the SI Sportsman Sportsperson of the Year. First of all, from now on I'm going to call him "D.W. YANE", just like it's spelled. And second of all, who even cares about SI? When was the last time they were relevent anyway? I guarantee a "focus group" convened and determined, "If we choose an NBA star for the cover, more people might buy the magazine, and those who don't will be pissed off by the choice, yet still mention SI." Great. Let's not actually choose who we think should WIN, we'll let a marketing firm decide it for us. What crap. Anyway, my vote was for Tiger Woods, because his win and emotional breakdown after the Open showed that not only is he still the best golfer, but that he's also human. I would have chosen Roger Federer, but no one watches tennis and my guess is that he's a cyborg.

(Okay, maybe I had a few things to say, although none of them were interesting.)

Thursday, December 7, 2006


In case you haven't visited this truly amazing/scary site yet, it's the Barbaro Message Board. Never mind the inherent absurdity of the concept, it will make your head hurt. Here it is, straight from the horse's mouth--uhm, message board:

Hey Barbaro, how are you doing today? WE continue to pray for you and I have your X-ray as my background on my computer. Amazing what you're recovering from.
karl, 36; green pond, NJ, USA
posted on 2006-12-06 14:10:24


Because of all the fantabulous holiday excitement around here, I totally forgot that the Marlins' Dontrelle Willis is getting married this weekend! There are still some things left on his Crate & Barrel wedding registry. I was going to get him the Rattan Tapered Bread Basket but someone already beat me to it. Dammit! By the way, you do NOT want to get hit with a Dontrelle fastball right in the Rattan Tapered Bread Basket. Not fun.

Next year, I need to create an Advent calendar for CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK, where behind every door is another fabulous bowl game and a gift! For instance on day one, behind the first door is "San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia San Diego, CA on Dec. 19, 8 p.m., featuring the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University versus the Huskies of Northern Illinois"--and you actually get a poinsettia plant as a gift! A week later you reveal, "The Emerald Nut Bowl in San Francisco, CA on Dec. 27 at 8 p.m., which pits the Florida State Seminoles versus the UCLA Bruins", and naturally, you get a free bowl of nuts! How great would that be? And the gifts keep on coming: the Alamo Bowl gets you a free class upgrade on any weekend rental! The AT&T Cotton Bowl gets you a 100% cotton AT&T T-shirt! For the Insight Bowl you get a, uhm, what the hell is Insight again? Joy to the world, for CAPITALONE® BOWL WEEK is coming!

Wish me luck on my first long trip in the new Toyota RAVenous4 2007 Edition, as I will be away for a 3 day tour of coastal New England (which of course rules out Vermont). Oh, and screw Rhode Island, The "Whoops I'm Lost, Which Way To Cape Cod" State. They're not even officially a "state", they're more like a island nation/colony whose economy thrives on insanely overpriced speeding tickets. That's right, they frown upon tourists, especially those who drive. Stay tuned for my amazing review of XM satellite radio!


Here's an argument against buying a Nintendo Wii (thanks to Not only could you accidentally destroy your expensive TV (I don't think a Glavine fastball could even do that), but you could look like this crazy girl playing a boxing game:

"Where's the 'STOP' button?" That's exactly what I was thinking, except it was: "Where is HER stop button?" I don't think I'd buy any "next gen" gaming system that makes you look like a complete dicktard. Can't wait to see the first "Wii nunchucks" video.

Monday, December 4, 2006


It was a crazy week in college football that saw USC lose to unranked UCLA, Florida managing to outscore Arkansas, Michigan dropping a spot in the rankings even though they didn't play, and Rutgers losing to WVU in triple OT. But the insanity has only begun since last night they announced the BCS bowl game matchups (why they need a half hour show to do this is beyond me).

As great and as enjoyable as the NCAA college basketball tournament is every year, that's how screwed up this NCAA BCS college football bowl nonsense is. Seriously, there isn't one matchup in the BCS bowl games that's exciting, and none of them will truly determine a true "champion" that everyone will agree on. Why can't they fix this once and for all? It's maddening.

This whole process is so screwed up that a former coach named Jim Walden has been the target of ridicule because he gave Florida a #1 vote in the Harris Poll (the only voter to do so, everyone else chose the only undefeated team, Ohio State), contributing to Michigan being shut out of the championship game. (Meh, they had their chance, and already lost to Ohio State, so I have no problem with them giving Florida a shot.) No, it's not solely his fauly; the NCAA deserves it for having this as part of their championship selection system.

But pissed college football fans sure are taking it out on him in an unusual way: check out Walden's Wikipedia entry. Today it's been in a constant state of flux, as it's being constantly "vandalized" to the point where it changes seemly every time you refresh the screen. For example, around noon today someone put a fake quote from the New York Times where he's reported saying, "Florida truly is the #1 team in the country . . . ha ha . . . I thought I could say that without laughing. Guess I couldn't."

Here are some of the other fun "revisions":

(1:00 PM): "Mr. Walden was a Harris Poll monkey rhino for the 2006 NCAA Division I-A football season."

(I don't even know what a "monkey rhino" is, but that's funny.)

(3:10 PM) "Apologist Florida fans, however, argued that the controversy is somewhat unwarranted, as four other voters placed Michigan in a place other than 2nd or 3rd, and two other voters placed Florida in 5th. As such, the difference between controversial votes is only one point in favor of Florida, a negligible difference when the overall vote was separated by 38 points. But again, Mr. Walden's unexpected voting behavior did suggest a biased and maniac personality that is grossly unsuitable for any position that requires either impartial judgment or above-average intelligence."

That didn't even last 10 minutes. It's been replaced with the simple phrase: "What an idiot".

Further evidence that the BCS is a steaming pile of monkey rhino shit.


The mighty have fallen on the pitch in New Jersey, allowing visiting Cowboys to emerge with successful campaign, 3rd Day of December, Twenty aught SixThe New York Giants Football Squadron, affiliated with the National Football Conference, have fallen on hard times in recent days. Sunday's most recent contest on their home pitch in New Jersey against a collection of Cowboys from Dallas, Texas proved to be less than favorable, leaving them with an equal number of failures as successes after a dozen matches. I have but a few suggestions about how this group of strapping, talented young lads can reverse their fortune in their future athletic endeavors.

First and foremost, it appears that fellow Eli Manning needs to work on his mastery of the "forward pass". At his position of "quarter back", he needs to be more scrupulous whilst hurling the pigskin towards his available teammamtes downfield. Additionally, the brash toeheaded "tight end", who answers to the name of "Shockey" and whose blonde locks can scarsely be contained by his leather helmet, should be instructed more often to receive said ball advancements to assist the squadron. Furthermore, progress may also be achieved by "forward running", and the strong "half back" with the moniker "Tiki" should be called upon increasingly to undertake this necessary duty. Perhaps implementing the ol' hook-and-lateral, and possibly the Statue of Liberty play, may help them to better advance into the enemy's field. In using the aforementioned stratagems, perhaps they shall increase their number of "touching downs", and thus their chances of emerging victorious.

Yes, those NY Giants sure are a tough lot! Wish them luck as they fight onward towards capturing the ever-elusive National Football Conference crown. All hail the boys from East Rutherford!

(I'm so sick of hearing about/talking about these punks, I thought I'd fashion an old school article instead. This is the last you'll hear about them here. Trust me.)

Saturday, December 2, 2006


The New York Giants are a disgusting mess of a football team. I think we pretty much knew this before the season started, but now it's finally come to a head and is out there on display for everyone to see. Losing last week's game to the Titans after blowing a 21 point lead in the final 10 minutes, something only done twice before in the regular season, was just the shitty icing on top of a rotten cake. I didn't see this game first hand, though; I've developed an aversion to their horrible ineptitude, and decided instead to go food shopping. It's not something I normally enjoy, but I think I made the right choice.

But it seems that people no longer talk about football anymore, only the associated garbage that surrounds it. Every day another stupid quote comes out of a Giants player's ego-tastic mouth, and every day they print it/replay it/discuss it, ad nauseum. So you're saying that an ATHLETE said something STUPID? What are the odds? And this is NEWS? I'll say it again: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! Seriously, do you think the players are actually fired up by anything the newspaper prints, or sports talk media blathers on about? These guys are PROFESSIONALS, not junior high schoolers, THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THIS SHIT. Half of these guys JOKE AROUND and HUG each other after the game. It's all for entertainment, it's all for show, and it's all a waste of time, especially since all they come off as are arrogant bullies that can't back it up on the field.

Speaking of, as has been true since the dawn of time, the only thing that matters is what happens on the field. In that aspect General Coughlin NO LONGER HAS THE RESPECT OF HIS OWN PLAYERS, and hopefully soon he will be shown the door. Let's face it: GM Ernie Accorsi's little experiment didn't work, and once he fires the coach and he himself resigns, only then can this team regroup and hope to rebuild. (Of course, we'll still be stuck with Eli, but that's a different story.) When I said this team would finish 8-8 and miss the playoffs, it turns out that that's probably the BEST they can do now. But although they've suffered key injuries, they're also doing little but bicker amongst themselves while they piss away the NFC East (which looked like Philly's until McNabb's season ending injury) to the Dallas Cowboys.

Ah, the Cowboys: how do I hate them? Let me count the ways, just off the top of my head: Bill Parcells, Michael Irvin's racist comments, T.O.'s fake suicide, Emmitt's big gay dance-a-thon, sportswriters going homo for Romo--and that's just in the past 2 months. Well, get used to them because they're going to be on TV every week from now until the end of the season! Yeeeeee hawwwww! Here's the remaining schedule:

Sunday 12/3 (@ GIANTS, 4:15 PM), Sunday Night 12/10 (vs. NO, 8:15 PM), Saturday 12/16 (@ ATL, 8 PM), even on freaking Christmas night (vs. PHI 5 PM). The only reprieve will be if the Raiders/Jets game successfully blocks FOX from showing their 1 PM game @ DET on New Years Eve . . . but NBC will probably pick that as their Sunday Night flex game, just to screw with my head.

So during this season of peace on earth and goodwill towards men, let me take a moment to say: DUCK FALLAS!

NFL UPSET SPECIAL: I would love to pick Tennessee beating the Colts, as revenge for that DirecTV commercial where Peyton "Laser Rocket Arm" Manning essentially says, "I'm blowing out these losers, so why don't you change the channel and watch my brother Eli, oh excuse me I'm going to throw another TD against these punks!" But I think that will actually happen on Sunday. So here you are: Seattle (+4) over DENVER (two teams who are also on in prime time way too often).