NHL NAMES: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SISSY

Here's what you were waiting for: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SISSY OF NHL NAMES.

Good:
Stu Barnes (C, Dallas Stars)
Radek Bonk (C, Nashville Predators) (Known to scream after every check: "You just got Bonk'd!")
Brent Burns (D, Minnesota Wild) (His middle name is NOT Monty.)
Andrew Ference (D, Boston Bruins) (Nickname "Inter". Get it?)
Trent Hunter (RW, New York Islanders) (I've visited his brother Milf's website.)
Patrick Kane (RW, Chicago Blackhawks)
Chad Kilger (C, Toronto Maple Leafs)
Georges Laraque (RW, Pittsburgh Penguins )(means "The Rock" in French. Or not.)
Colton Orr (RW, New York Rangers)
Chris Pronger (D, Anaheim Ducks)
Miroslav Satan (RW, New York Islanders) (Pronounced "sha-TAN?" Yeah right.)
Ryan Stone (C, Pittsburgh Penguins)
Stephane Yelle (C, Calgary Flames)
Branko Radivojevic (RW, Minnesota Wild) (Czech for "Bronco Nagurski".)

Bad:
Johnny Boychuk (D, Colorado Avalanche) (The less I know about this name, the better.)
Dustin Byfuglien (D, Chicago Blackhawks) ("I've been called ugly, fugly, pugly, pug ugly, pug fugly . . . but not Byfuglien.")
Jonathan Cheechoo (RW, San Jose Sharks) (That's fun to say. Tee hee!)
Jeff Finger (D, Colorado Avalanche) (Hopefully not known to scream after every check: "You just got Finger'd!")
Olli Jokinen (C, Florida Panthers) ("What's so funny about me? Is it my name? Does it sound like a clown to you?")
David Legwand (C, Nashville Predators) (Insert dick joke here.)
Jonathan Quick (G, Los Angeles Kings) (Sent down to minors after a GAA of 3.86 in the NHL. In other words he's Quick, but not quick enough. Sorry. I'll show myself out.)
Jarkko Ruutu (RW, Pittsburgh Penguins) (See "Cheechoo".)
Alexander Semin (LW, Washington Capitals) (Again, I call bullshit on the pronunciation "SEM-in".)
Dan Hinote (C, St. Louis Blues) (I thought I'd end this section on a . . . oh forget it.)


Sissy:
Mathieu Dandenault (D, Montreal Canadiens) (Puts the "dandy" in Dandenault.)
Roman Hamrlik (D, Montreal Canadiens) (Get that outta yer mouth!)
Shane Hnidy (D, Boston Bruins) (Because it sounds like "nightie")
Jordin Tootoo (RW, Nashville Predators)
Marc-Andre Fleury (G, Pittsburgh Penguins)
Guillaume Latendresse, (RW, Montreal Canadiens) (French for "wears women's dresses".)

WRIST SHOTS: HOW MUCH PUCK COULD KOVALCHUK CHUCK?

Poor Ilya. The guy has the most goals in the NHL (currently 36) and he can't even get enough votes to get on the All-Star team. The real kick in the ass is that the game is being played in his hometown of Atlanta, which as everyone knows is the home of fantastic, die-hard hockey fans. Obviously.

Meanwhile, Marty and Henrik (yes, I am on a first name basis with them) will be starting goaltenders for the Eastern Wales Conference All-Stars. I say we make sure DiPietro is the 3rd starter, score a NY Metro Area Goalie Hat Trick (brought to you by HUMMER). VOTE NOW!

UPDATE: DiPietro was selected, but Tomas Vokoun is in there instead of Lundqvist. And voting has ended already. Oops.

OVECHKIN!

Ovechkin, Capitals agree to 13-year, $124 million contract extension

Now the Crapitals star player can finally upgrade his famously Eurotrashy wardrobe. WTF? After the DiPietro 15 year itch I didn't think anyone would write up a contract this absurd. Yikes. This might put the Crapitals out of business for good. Rob says he definitely won't play that long for them; I predict that in 8 years he'll be playing for the Islanders under coach Rick DiPietro.

I'm happy for goalie's Ty Conklin's hot streak -- he's done nothing but win out in Pittsburgh. Why am I happy, you ask? Because not only is he an American goalie (from Alaska) whom I saw play for UNH, and I felt surpremely sorry for him after his goaltending gaffe as an Edmonton backup as the evil Carolina Whalers won the Cup a few years back. http://cbs.sportsline.com/nhl/story/10569350/ So with the benching of the incredibly mediocre Fleury, maybe the Pens are on the road to respectability? All I know is that it will set the stage for CROSBY TO SAVE HOCKEY ONCE AGAIN. Now I'm genuinely afraid of them come playoff time.

In his neverending quest for pure assholishness, Derian Hatcher of the Fucking Flyers decided to (leave his feet to) deliver a check to the Maple Leaves' Alexander Steen, but instead crushed his own teammate.



That's right: Joffrey Lupul ended up on the IR with a mild concussion and two bruised cervical vertebrae due to Hatcher's douchebaggery. Way to go, shitbrain! At last, a Flyers cheap shot came back to hurt them in a real, tangable way. Oh, and Hatcher also tried to bite Devils' Travis Zajac, but it was deemed "inconclusive". Total amount of suspension = 0 games. I am seriously sick of this shit.

I'll leave you with two words: PUCK BUNNIES. That's all I'm going to say, you can read about the rest on this message board.

F*CK OPEN OFFICE

Goddamn it...dammit, dammit damn motherfucking fuckers.

They've been bugging me for a the last week to update to the "NEW" Version 2.3.1. I thought that maybe some of my instability issues experienced earlier this week would be resolved with an update. That remains to be seen, but for an update that "is a minor bug fix release with no new features for users" it was a 80mb download.

And the icing on the cake (which I ran into the last update, but subsequently forgot about), they delete all your dictionaries when you update. And installing dictionaries is somewhere between nuclear physics and time travel on the standardized scale of difficulty.

FUCK OPEN OFFICE. It's almost (only almost) enough to make one think of how good Microsoft can be.

THE COEN BROTHERS AREN'T THAT GOOD, ARE THEY?

I watched No Country for Old Men last night. I'll try to avoid spoiling the movie for those of you who haven't seen it yet, and plan to, but you may want to avoid the whole post if you don't want to know anything about it.

First the good:
*Javier Bardem gave the best performance I've seen in a long long time. I haven't seen anything else that he was in (to my knowledge), but he was so good in this movie. He should win the Oscar for best supporting actor (even though it was basically a lead actor part, but whatever)
*Visually this movie is stunning. The shots of Texas desert are just beautiful.
*I like movies that are deep, dark and cold without the happy "the bad guys are dead, the good guys ride into the sunset with the pretty girl" endings. More than one reviewer called this movie nihilistic.

And the not so good:
I'm going to call this the "Knocked Up syndrome" from here on in - the movie doesn't live up to its own hype. If it's got a Rotten Tomatoes rating of over 90% (and it's not some French art house clusterfuck), I expect the movie to knock me off my feet. Silly me.

(This is probably where you should stop reading if you don't want to know too much about the movie)
The problem with this movie is that it is too movie-ish for me. Let's see if I can describe what I mean; I guess I got the feeling too much that the Coens were just writing a movie to get reviews of being "black" and "nihilistic" and "gritty." It's just a movie pretending to be these things and at no point during this thing did I manage to get myself "into" the movie. With all the plot-twists and main characters dying, I just came to expect it by the end, because that was the type of movie that this was. I understand that the Coens stuck close to the book, which I have not read, but this is my big criticism-It's a hackneyed version of a true film noir. Or maybe I'm just so cynical, that I watch movies like this with saying "it didn't make me feel anything." Realism doesn't exist in movies for me because they are the epitome of fake (except for Al Gore or Michael Moore productions - that is real, people).

One of the main characters died at a certain point and I think this was the turning point of the movie. It was overly downplayed to the point where you ask if said character really had any bearing on the movie at all (which he did - for 3/4 of the movie). It was at that point that I truly felt the manipulative powers of the Coen Bros coming through.

The ending wasn't anything spectacular. I won't go into details, but I had read more than one critique about the "excellent, plot twisting ending." Did these people see the same movie as me? It offered no surprises to me.

And one more thing...Does anyone know if they purposefully use fake-looking dogs for scenes where the animals are dead and/or dying? Do they do this so as not to offend the audience? We can make life-like blood, and show someone stitching himself up from a gunshot wound, but heaven-forbid we make it look like a real dog died...

Ugh. Anyway, it was a fine movie, but not as good as I thought it would be.

JIMMY MCNULTY'S BACK AND OTHER STUFF

(No spoilers).

I've got a ton of shite that I've wanted to blog about for the last week and a half or so, but with the whole getting back to France, struggling with jetlag and getting back into the work thing, I've not really had time.

Anyway, I watched S5E1 of the Wire last night and I'm just happy to see that McNulty's back to his drunk and stumbling, womanizing ways...he's far more enjoyable like this than the stand-up guy that he was last season. I won't go into any depth because I know that Kammann's not watched it yet, but I will say this: FUCK SLATE FOR RUINING EVERYTHING GOOD THAT EVER HAPPENS ON TV. They did this same thing for the final season of the Sopranos; they are these talking heads who think that critiquing pop culture makes them even more smarter. I don't fucking care if you think that the Wire is more Shakespearian or Dickensian. I'm done with Slate; I swear I'm going to remove it from my RSS reader...tomorrow.

SCREW THE SABRES. I had the opportunity to watch 4 games in the last three weeks. They won one, lost two in the shootout and lost one by 3 goals. I honestly can't complain about the loss in Jersey, cause we were there and I said that if it went to a shootout I wouldn't bitch; I lied, but I was happy to see a shootout. On New Year's Day the game was so fucking awesome that it's not really that big of a deal that they lost. I'd have liked to see them win, but watching Sid-the-Kid save hockey and then scream like a school girl was pretty funny. You know he loves hockey, and that's great to see. Lindy was smiling while he was losing...That you never see.
I caught the 3rd period of the Sabres shit performance in Atlanta on Sunday...Come on 5 to 2. What the fuck.

Jeff talked about this beer, but Blue Point Oatmeal Stout Cask was my personal beer of the year. It was the first cask beer that I'd had and it was just brilliant. Three Philosophers was probably second. Let's hear it for NYS beermakers. I had these on two consecutive days between Christmas and New Years. Plus we ate at Hudson House...Those few days made up for the rest of the crappy year.

T.I.H.™ OPEN FUCKING OFFICE 2.3. Sun Microsystems can suck my balls for providing a free program that is such a pain in my ass. Ok I don't hate it enough to pony up $400 for Microsoft Office, but I've been fighting with Oo2.3 since yesterday morning and it's starting to grind on me. Part of it may be my fault, because of my inexperience with FauXcel, I keep making mistakes that have little-to-nothing to do with Oo2.3, but still, the eggheads who program should have thought that someone, like me, may try to paste entire sheets into one cell and planned for this. But they didn't, so it crashes and I have restart at my last save point (I just did it for the third time in the last 30 minutes: I suck).

CAN SOMEONE WAKE ME UP WHEN IT'S TIME TO VOTE FOR RALPH WIGGUM? I'm so fucking sick of the primaries and they just started. Ok, we understand, it's going to be either Hillary or Obama...or someone else and McCain or Huckabee...or someone else. One state does not make a trend, and it's irrelevant anyway. Do people actually think that anyone is going to make a difference? It's all about cash.

Who determines the size tires on your car? I just bought tires for mine. I've got 175/65/R13 80T's. If they were 175/70's I would pay about 15 euros less per tire, but because there's a 5% difference in the tire's profile, I have to pay more. I'm convinced that VW does everything in its power to make your life a living hell if you don't buy your parts from them. It took me an hour to change the back wiper on that fucking car because VW has some propriety rear wiper system...Turns out that propriety means nothing to a man with a hammer, pliers, a razor blade and some bolts. Fuck VAG.
I think I'm going to put dubs on my VW Polo...20 inchers bitch. My 55hp (I'm not kidding) should handle that perfectly well!

Check that...FUCK Oo2.3 IN THE PANTS. It just crashed for no fucking reason whatsoever. FUCK FUCK FUCK!
They have this asshole "recovery" thing that just "recovers" your document to the last time you saved it. Goddamn fucking cocks...they must work with Gary ("I SUCK") Bettman. I know that it's "free", but damn it, it's as fucking unstable Lindsay Lohan on ice skates.

This cunt program has crashed 4 times on me this morning...I have honestly lost at least 2 hours of work. Dickheads. Fuck them.

Download it now, kiddies. Openoffice.org.

WEEKLY TOP 10: WHAT I LEARNED DURING WINTER VACATION

10. Capital One Bowl Week can turn out to be a dud. Compared to last year, there was not one compelling bowl game all week. I'm glad I paid attention to the regular season, because that's when all the great games happened.

9. A hot toddy made with Woodford Reserve bourbon, lemon, honey and cloves KICKS ASS. That's how I rang in 2008.

8. Rob says this might be the funniest line of the year, and I might have to agree with him (from The Onion's hilarious Our Dumb World Atlas):

MALAWI: Come For The Food Shortages, Stay Because You've Died.

7. While it's a very funny show, "The Larry Sanders Show" is no "Honeymooners". I watched episodes of both shows on New Years Day, and let's just say that Garry Shandling's Other Show, while funny, hasn't aged all that well. Plus, the washed-out DVD transfer (from 2002) makes it look even older than it actually is.

6. For some reason, I can't learn the lyrics to most late 60s/early 70s classic rock songs that grew up listening to as a kid. If I didn't know the words then, I don't know them now. Even if I look them up online, they just don't stick. I guess if you've heard "Brown Sugar" 500 times without knowing what the hell Mick Jagger is saying, you can't expect to figure it out after reading the lyric sheet once.

5. I'm surprisingly good at "Dance Dance Revolution". No, really. Especially when songs like a-ha's "Take On Me" and Chic's "Le Freak" come on, I'm unstoppable.

4. Screw the New Jersey Devils for putting such a beautiful hockey arena in Newark. Additionally, screw the PATH train for being so useless: it took two trains and 45 minutes to get from New York to Newark. After unleashing a litany of expletives during this frustrating detour (which I could blame on my drunkness, or the fact that I had just contracted an upper respiratory infection), I later realized that I would make a lousy competitor on "The Amazing Race".

3. The typical NFL game blows, especially when compared to any Madden NFL '08 game. Seriously, the PS2 version is fantastic, and can only imagine what the "next gen" ones are like. In fact, it's so realistic, Giants QB Elisha threw 3 INTs before finally settling down and throwing two TDs before getting injured, in a poorly played 14-6 win over the Redskins. Eerie.

2. I respect the guy for keeping at it, but Dick Clark needs to retire. It's just sad to hear him struggle through a simple sentence, and this time around he actually said "HAPPY DEW YEAR". I also officially think the "rockin' eve" concept is officially dead when all you have is Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, whoever the hell they are.



1. Not a new revelation, but Ginger Man is the best beer bar in NYC. I already suspected this, but I had to visit a second time to make sure. Blue Point Oatmeal Stout from the cask was fantastic.

WINTER CLASSIC: FINAL THOUGHTS

Seriously, these are my final thoughts, for now.

After "O Canada", Irish tenor Ronan Tynan sang "God Bless America" and thanked "our troops fighting in Afghanistan". Uhm, the troops from which country? Canada? Ireland? I'm pretty sure there are also still US troops in Iraq, so I guess we're not talking about them. Strange. Then the game started without the playing of the National Anthem. I guess was right about the fact that Buffalo has been annexed by Canada. (Funny how I thought "Chicago" when they said the "Blackhawks" are flying over.)

I was really impressed by the 71,217 hockey fans in Western NY/PA that showed up for this game. This will help prove that the NHL is a viable sport, or at least still alive and well, at least in strong hockey cities like Buffalo. I even believe that ESPN was a little jealous, as they didn't show any highlights for the first 21 minutes of Sportscenter despite a lack of any compelling sports news or bowl games. (Oh never mind, that's what they always do.)

Since NBC didn't have a bowl game it was their choice (not the NHL's) to hold this event on New Year's Day during a time when 4 bowl games were taking place. However, the ratings were much better than expected: a 2.6/5 (to compare, Game 5 of the 2007 Stanley Cup Finals drew a 2.1), the highest regular season hockey ratings since FOX's Glowpuck days in 1996. Those aren't killer numbers, considering it's a day when pretty much everyone is off from work (except those forced to clean up all the buffalo wing chicken bones at the Ralph), but it's a stride in the right direction.

The frequent ice maintenance stoppages were a bit of a buzzkill. Apparently, the best technology we have to combat this is . . . one guy with a water bottle and a CO2 canister. I did predict there would be emergency Zamboni runs, but I didn't think that one of them would break because of the amount of snow it had to pick up. During these many breaks the NBC announcing team chose to chat about: how amazing Sidney Crosby is, the various methods used to repair the ice, the weather radar, Darren Pang's choice of headgear, and how fantastic Sidney Crosby is. This was a missed opportunity by NBC, who could have instead showed any of the following:

* Highlights from the 2007 season
* More awkward on-ice interviews with the players
* More clips from "Slap Shot"
* Those 2 minute webisodes of "The Office" that are impossible to watch online
* More shots of the kids playing pond hockey
* The Buffalo Jills cheerleaders!
* Beef on weck eating contests
* Hal Gurnee's Network Time Killers
* Reruns of classic "CHiPs" episodes
* "Costas Score-O", in which spectators throw Bob Costas into the hockey net

The most glaring omission: they didn't interview ONE SPECTATOR during the game. Of all the talk of how "electric" the atmosphere was, why not get a live account of it? They had over seventy-one thousand people to choose from! Just more evidence that NBC couldn't give a flying crap about hockey fans, or sports fans in general. I was also seriously hoping NBC's follow-up "Magic Of Seal On Ice" was going to be held outdoors after the hockey game, but it was not to be.

Thanks to the magic of HDTV, I was able to determine that Bob Costas uses the Just For Men hair color "Medium Dark Brown". He looked shiny and red like a chipmunk, and his boss, Dick Ebersol, especially liked the way he left a touch of gray on the sides. I somehow knew he'd comment about his hockey announcing experience with the 1973 Syracuse Blazers at age 21 (Kris was close when he guessed 17), but I didn't think they'd parlay that into an entire "Slap Shot" Oglithorpe/Goldthorpe fluff piece.

Where is hell is Bill Clement "Clement Hands of Cement"? They had him on NHL.tv doing a pregame with Sam Rosen, but that was it. He should have been working the intermissions instead of Mike Milbury, who is a blithering idiot.

While a New York version of this (The Frozen Apple Classic, name to be trademarked by me) would be pretty cool, especially at Yankee Stadium in early 2009 before it's demolished, the weather in the city might be a problem--it was warm enough to play golf the first weekend of January 2007 (though I don't remember any such weather in February). Therefore, the odds would be better for an outdoor game in Canada (even Quebec City!), Chicago, Colorado, Michigan or Massachusetts. Imagine over 107,000 in Michigan Stadium watching the Red Wings play the Blackhawks (which means there will be about 90,000 shitty seats)? How about an All-Star Game, Europe vs. North America, in Siberia? (Okay, maybe I went a step too far there.)

While this was a fun event to watch, and the snow fell almost on cue giving the whole thing an almost magical look, I don't think they should (or can) do this every year. Maybe it could pop up once every 2 years or so to make it more "special"; otherwise the novelty will wear off pretty quickly like it did with interleague baseball.

Despite all these mostly positive notes regarding the game, Bettman sucks.

Check out this Very Funny Live Blog [Melt Your Face Off].

CALVIN ON: NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

I don't make resolutions. Resolutions are for people who:
1) enjoy being quitters
2) have nothing else to do in January anyway
3) like to impress other people (while they're oblivious of the fact that they're not)
4) like to piss me off by taking up space in the gym

As it often does, Calvin & Hobbes (the final black & white strip, from Saturday, December 30, 1995) sums it up nicely:

WINTER CLASSIC: WHITEOUT SHOOTOUT

CROSBY HAS JUST SAVED HOCKEY AGAIN!

He just scored the winning goal in a shootout in a whiteout in Buffalo. Had the writers not already been on strike, I would have said that NBC scripted that ending.

(video courtesy of NBC via Cablevision via my HDTV via my camera)



I'm sure Kris thinks I'm just rubbing it in by showing his Sabres lose in a shootout, but that was exciting. Meanwhile, NBC showed that clip of Crosby bouncing the puck on his stick about 1000 times--okay, we get it, HE'S GOOD. And I love Doc Emrick but I turned my receiver's center channel down to -12 dB and smothered it with a pillow for the Whiteout Shootout. Much better.

Despite the lack of scoring and frequent ice maintenance stoppages, it couldn't have worked out better for the NHL. Except for the ratings.

That was fun. Let's do it again soon.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - LET'S PLAY SOME OUTDOOR HOCKEY!

Let's face it: no one is going to be nostalgic for 2007. Absolutely nothing happened. Nothing. It was a shitastic year, and all I can say to it is good riddance. (And boy is it sad to hear Dick Clark on that New Year show, he really needs to retire.)

But things are already looking up for 2008, as we're kicking it off some OLD TIME OUTDOOR HOCKEY! The Penguins will play the Sabres today in the EXTREME AMPED TO THE MAX NHL Winter Classic in front of 73,000 crazy Western PA/NY hockey fans at Ralph Wilson Stadium, the first regular season pro hockey game to be played outside in the US. (That Heritage Classic game back in 2003 in Edmonton was the first outdoor game, but it doesn't count since it was in Canada, and we couldn't find a single bar that was showing it live.) Although I would have preferred if they had shoveled off a spot on Lake Erie and played pond hockey like real men, I guess they had to accommodate the sissy Europeans on the two squads.

I will probably be the only one watching it since it's up against FOUR BOWL GAMES (another brilliant decision by Gary Bettman, who already sucks in 2008), but I don't really care; if hockey is on in HD, I will watch it. At least the NHL decided to hold All-Star Weekend (sadly, in Atlanta, where they don't have water, much less frozen outdoor ponds) during the dead week before the NFL's "Big Game", making it possible that some desperate sports fans might accidentally tune in. NBC has the game here in the States, and they got Bob Costas to host. This is a coup, since according to his bio, he "has a history broadcasting hockey, serving as the play-by-play commentator for the Syracuse Blazers of the old Eastern Hockey League in 1973-74". That's like saying I should be the new drummer for Led Zeppelin because I rocked a toy drum set in the 3rd grade.

According to the Weather Channel, it will be 30-35 degrees with an 80-90% chance of snow. They already decided to split up the 3rd period into two 10 minute chunks because of the wind, but there are many other questions still unanswered. Will they take emergency Zamboni breaks if it snows? Will a record number of Buffalo wings be consumed? Will Buffalo finally be annexed by Canada? Will Sidney Crosby once again save hockey?

Regardless, I'm looking forward to it. And hey, if this is successful maybe they can do this in Phoenix or Tampa next year. (Okay, maybe not, but a Devils/Rangers game at Yankee Stadium in February would be fantastic.)

Follow along at these various sites:
Official Winter Classic Site [NHL.com]
AOL Fanhouse Winter Classic Live Blog [AOL Sports]
Ice Bowl Open Thread: Pens at The Ralph [Bflo Blog]
Liveblog [Ultimate Sports Road Trip]
Live Blog [Barry Melrose Rocks]

UPDATE (1:15 PM). Seriously, this game looks like it's going to be fantastic. It's snowing pretty steadily, Crosby looks adorable in those vintage powder blue PITT unis, Ryan "Red Light" Miller is wearing a wool cap (what the Canucks call a "tuque") on top of his goalie mask, they have a little "pond hockey" rink off to the side, they have a shot from the BLIMP, and it's in glorious HD. You are a serious asshat if you're watching two mediocre NCAA teams (like Florida/Michigan in the Capital One Bowl) play right now.

SID THE KID > TEBOW

MERRY CHRISTMAS

This video cracked me up: Charlie Brown Christmas dubbed over by the cast of "Scrubs".

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!



"My Charlie Brown Christmas" by The Cast of Scrubs [YouTube]

MISHEARD LYRICS: PEARL JAM "YELLOW LEDBETTER"

It was a pretty desolate Saturday night in Nyack last week, because of a predicted snowstorm that didn't actually turn out to be any big deal. In a nearly empty Bourbon Street, we finally got Ray to play Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter" after bugging him for, I don't know, over three years. I understand his reluctance, since there's no way to figure out what the lyrics are; we ended up "singing" it for him from a sad combination of an awful internet "translation" and our equally awful "memory".

Here's "Misheard Lyrics Guy" and his best guess as to what the hell Eddie Vedder is warbling:



Make me fries!

Misheard Lyrics to Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter" [YouTube]

IN MY DREAMS YOU'RE BLOWING ME . . .

. . . some kisses."



That might be the line of the year. That's one of the double entendres from the song "Let's Duet", featured in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, starring John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer.

Although this looks like a one-joke movie, it's a funny joke. This rips apart the Hollywood conventions shoved down our throats by biopics such as Ray and Walk The Line, and it's about damn time. I cannot tell you how many times I screamed at the screen, "That never happened!" during those two fake, melodramatic movies.

Here's a clip from the movie, where Dewey meets the Beatles.



"Let's Duet" from Walk Hard [YouTube]
Dewey Meets The Beatles (Walk Hard) [YouTube]

WEEKLY TOP 10: BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

This is the last Top 10 of 2007. Enjoy!

10. It's not supposed to get above 30° today, which in meteorological terms is "fucking freezing". I have to say that the snow looks amazing; because there was a little ice/rain at the end of the snowstorm on Sunday, there is a glistening, frozen shell over everything. My first thought was: how far could I putt a golf ball across that?

9. You know the little bag that a Lipton teabag comes in? What's that called? A teabag bag? I wonder if that's on the Lipton.com FAQ.

8. I went to the bar three days last week, at least one of those trips was in order to get a discount to join the gym from one of the bartenders (name withheld). After all that drinking, I never got the form from her (okay, her name is Stalky McStalkerson). I guess that means I have to drink EVEN MORE so eventually I can join up. Ironic, isn't it?

7. After two seasons, Ricky Gervais' "Extras" wrapped up with a "series finale special" the way a quality show is supposed to. Not only did it make a statement about the vacuous, empty lives of celebrities, it also left its two main characters on an 'up' note (unlike the depressing BBC version of "The Office"). In other words, something ACTUALLY HAPPENED on the show's series finale, unlike "The Sopranos". Plus, George Michael and Clive Owen did hilarious, self-deprecating cameos, and where else are you going to find that?

6. Barry Zuckerkorn > Arthur Fonzerelli.





5. The Giants suck. They lost to the pathetic Redskins last night, powered by Elisha Manning's 18/52 for 184 performance, his 34 incompletions being the worst shitshow since Joe "I Wanna Kiss You" Namath did it in 1967. Why do I bother? What a shitastic team this 2007 squad is. I've said I'm not talking about Coughlin anymore until he's fired, but of course he won't since they'll back into the playoffs because the NFC is god awful.

4. I am tired of Xmas shopping. I had to buy something at TJ Maxx last week, and they invariably have the world's slowest lines--it made me want to stab someone in the neck. And for some reason, every time I have to return something at Target there's always some elderly person in front of me that wants to return something without a receipt that they bought from a Montgomery Ward catalogue from 1959 and still expect to get cash back for. Oh, and from now on, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO WRITE CHECKS. Get a free debit card, it will save everyone time, for Christ's sake. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

3. HBO's "The Wire" is a better crime drama than "The Sopranos". Period. The acting is better, the story lines more interesting, and overall it's a hell of a lot more realistic. And technically speaking, "The Sopranos" never spent that much time on the actual crime, it was always A.J. crying or some nonsense about Meadow's boyfriend--gah! Anyway, I'm halfway through Season 2, and trying to catch up in time for Season 5 which starts in less than a month (Jan 6, 2008). Wish me luck.

2. Note to people who don't clean off their car roof before driving on the highway: screw you. If I see you walking behind me at the store, I'm going to randomly throw ice cubes over my shoulder at your head. Maybe you can swerve out of the way of them, maybe you can't. Either way, I would suggest wearing a helmet.

1. Zooey Deschanel rocks. Here's a clip of her from the movie "Elf" singing "Baby It's Cold Outside" (with Will Ferrell). I wouldn't mind the cold outside if Zooey was in my shower.

WAYS TO MAKE SUNDAY'S JETS/PATRIOTS GAME MORE COMPETITIVE

In the epic battle between the 3-10 Jets vs. the 13-0 Patriots, a game for the ages in which the Patriots were initially favored by 27 points--ahhh, who are we kidding? This is going to be a complete shitshow. I'll tune in, but I'm really just praying for a snowstorm, a season-ending injury and a possible fist fight between coaches.

How could the NFL make this game more competitive? We asked the experts (ourselves) and here's some of their proposals:

• When Patriots have the ball, they have a “shot clock”: they have to score or turn the ball over in 24 seconds. (Rob)
• Patriots have to play with sausage in their pockets while wild dogs run free on the field. (Rob)
• 3 times per half, Jets are allowed to call time and stop the action at any point during the play. (Rob)
• When the Jets are on offense, a Wilson Pee Wee size football is used. When Patriots are on offense, a cannonball is used. (Rob)
• Tom Brady will be "steady QB" (he has to play for both sides). (Karl)
• Patriots offense must wear blindfolds. (Jeff K)
• Jets offense: first down = 5 pts. (Jeff K)
• Patriots defense must shout out 7 "Mississippis" before rushing the QB. (Jeff K)
• Jets defense can use two-hand touch. (Jeff K)
• Jets and Pats cheerleaders both allowed on the field of play. (Karl)
• Randy Moss must get shock collar, [Jets' coach] Mangini gets to hold the remote trigger. (Karl)
• For a touch of realism, the Patriots can only wear clothing made before 1776, including those stupid tri-corner hats instead of helmets, while the Jets are allowed to advance the ball by using actual jets. (Jeff K)
• Jets get extra points for "clown catches". For example, diving catch = 3 points. A diving catch in end zone = 7 x 3 = 21 points. (Kris)
• Game must be played mano a mano in Madden 08. (Karl)
  

• Jets must use one of those super-distance Nerf balls, along with Velcro stick-em gloves. (Jeff K)
• Pats must use the skin of a freshly killed pig. (Jeff K)
• Jets: extra points if Suzy Kolber kisses Joe Namath. ("I could care less about the team struggggling.") Pats: negative points if Amanda Kremer kisses Tom Brady. (Jeff K)

GABORIK VS. HASEK (12/7/2007)

For all of you that complain that there's not enough hockey here at Open Hockey, here's a Martin Gaborik breakaway that is canceled by Hasek in an original way.



That was completely unnecessary, especially considering Hasek had a 5-0 lead with 2:22 left.

NSFW: DREW CURTIS IS A BIG FAT ASSHOLE

I go to Fark from time to time...usually those times when I'm looking to kill 15 minutes or 3 hours, I happen onto their site to check out some of the crazy happenings of the world. It's like Yahoo! Odd News, but on a much grander scale...I never thought of Fark as any type of revolutionary thing...Although the idiots that spend their days on there are fucking scary...They have Photoshop contests that are posted at 12:51pm and there are 5 photoshopped pics up there by 12:55pm...That's dedication or something.

Anyway, I read yesterday that Drew Curtis, Fark's creator, was trying to copyright/trademark "NSFW". Obviously, like everyone else in the free world I said (and here I'm avoiding the obvious 'WTF'), "what a fucking idiot."

Today there's an interview with Drew (audio) and he explains himself. He wants to "make a statement about the state of copyright affairs." He does a good job at convincing the local DJ's (who wouldn't, they're local fucking DJs) that he's not looking to make money off of this. But who's he kidding. If he could go after (or send his little asshole minions from Fark.com after) every established site that uses NSFW...Holy shit, he'd make a mint for the three hours it took for the internets to make a new acronym.

I'm just going to get out ahead here and start the copyrighting procedure for DIBD (Drew is a big Dick) and DIBA (asshole) which will eventually replace NSFW in the lexicon. Patent pending, patent pending.

WAX NOSTALGIA: NEW YEARS 1996/1997

For some reason, I was thinking about some of the New Years Eves that I've had. I think it's because I supposed to rent a tux for this year's...I don't think that that is going to happen...What the fuck! I have a nice wool suit and nice leather shoes...Why do I want to some polyester shit and plastic shoes that 400 other fucks have puked in? Fuck that...I still think the hosts should be happy that I don't show up in jeans and "Kiss me I'm Irish" t-shirt. Anyway, enough tangents.

December 31, 1996. My first news years home since I'd graduated from high school. I brought my then-current girlfriend to the backwoods of central New York. Some high school buddies of mine were getting together at one guys house, so we go along...For some reason the TV wasn't working so we watched countdown in black&white snow. The new year goes off without a hitch and then around 2am, for some reason my old classmate put his fist through the wall in his brother's room. We all laughed, as drunks are wont to do at 2am-well everyone laughed but the brother. He went and got a shotgun. Then he got shotgun shells. Then he loaded said shotgun with said shells. Then he crunched the pump and put the muzzle on his brother's chest and started screaming something.

What happened next is a bit hazy in my mind...I remember my girlfriend screaming at me to do something (that wasn't going to happen - I don't want to see anyone shot, but I'll be goddamned that I'm going to step between two angry brothers and a gun), I remember the third brother laughing and saying that the one holding the gun didn't have the balls to pull the trigger (I'm really not kidding here). After that I don't remember what happened. The trigger was not pulled, of that I'm sure. I got the feeling that this wasn't the first time that this type of thing had taken place.
Brother #2 (target) is now a cop in CT. Brother #3 (taunter) is a small business owner in upstate NY. Brother #1 (potential shooter) - I do not know what happened to him. Last time I heard he was still alive and non-incarcerated.

While upstate NY may not be West Virginia, there are certain aspects that are Deliverance-esque. It's not all cider mills and foilage.

BANNED IN OTTAWA

I've covered this in the past, but it's always a good conversation starter at corporate holiday parties and cocktail parties with vague acquaintances: TSG reports on the Canadian government's Q3 efforts to keep Canadians moral.

Interesting highlights:

*Napoleon Dynamite: [for better or worse] Admitted
*Tom "Ropes" McGurk has to win some sort of tenacity prize...he must have 50 videos banned, but he keeps sending them to Customs for review. (edit: I was going to try to link his website or something...I googled his name and google spits out Tom 'Ropes' McGurk - All Male Bondage Website. I didn't click through...You all are welcome to go right ahead.)
*Chloroform Rape: Prohibited (yeah for some reason I think it would be it hard to convince anyone that this isn't obscene)
*Fist Uro Collector Edition 1 & 2, Fist Uro 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17: Prohibited
*Fist Uro 8: Admitted (The system works)
*Horny Black Mothers & Daughters: Admitted
*Mother and Daughter Incest 1, Mother Daughter Incest 6, Real Mother Daughter Incest 6: Prohibited (could the 51st state be making a racial statement?)
*Stop or I'll Squirt: Admitted (great title)
(Regardless of our feelings on free-market or libertarianism or government control, I think we can all say that the Canadian Government made the correct decision on this next one.)
*Diarrhea Bukkake: Prohibited

As far as I can tell, Ron Jeremy is not in fact banned in Canada, but I needed a picture to use and even the non-porn watching public would tend to recognize him.

T.I.H.™: POLITICIANS (ESP. THOSE WHO WON'T ANSWER A DAMN QUESTION)

Sometime back in the 17th century, political debates were a vital forum for candidates to state where they stand on certain issues, and propose their solutions for the nation's problems (I assume). However, in the current 24/7 news media climate we live in, the whole purpose of these debates seems to be to not say anything of substance, or even answer a question in a straightforward way. These politicians all act like lawyers, making sure they say nothing incriminating, questionable, or concrete that you can call them out on at a later date. The best sound bite that one can hope for is a cheeky comment like the one from Mike "I Heart" Huckabee who, when asked the asinine question, "What would Jesus do about the death penalty?", his cheeky reply was, "Jesus was too smart to run for public office." Oh boy, we've reduced political discourse to a punchline. That's fantastic.

In my attempt to be a good, informed citizen, I attempted to watch one of these "debates", but the candidates' complete inability and unwillingness to ACTUALLY ANSWER A QUESTION was completely infuriating. Here's a sample from the 5 minutes that I recently endured of last week's CNN/YouTube Republican Presidential Debate (the very name makes me want to puke blood). This is taken from the transcript and features the sassy Anderson Cooper trying (and failing) to get a straight answer out of Governor Mitt Romney. (Personally, I would never vote for someone named after a baseball glove, but maybe that's just me.)

Cooper: Governor Romney, you said in 1994 that you looked forward to the day when gays and lesbians could serve, and I quote, "openly and honestly in our nation's military." Do you stand by that?
Romney: This isn't that time. This is not that time. We're in the middle of a war. The people who have...
Cooper: Do you look forward to that time, though, one day?
Romney: I'm going to listen to the people who run the military to see what the circumstances are like. And my view is that, at this stage, this is not the time for us to make that kind of...
Cooper: Is that a change in your position...
Romney: Yes, I didn't think it would work. I didn't think "don't ask/don't tell" would work. That was my -- I didn't think that would work. I thought that was a policy, when I heard about it, I laughed. I said that doesn't make any sense to me.
And you know what? It's been there now for, what, 15 years? It seems to have worked.
Cooper: So, just so I'm clear, at this point, do you still look forward to a day when gays can serve openly in the military or no longer?
Romney: I look forward to hearing from the military exactly what they believe is the right way to have the right kind of cohesion and support in our troops and I listen to what they have to say.

Etc., etc., ad fucking nauseum. He was rightfully booed at this point, which is the exact point I turned it off. Sweet fancy Moses, this stuff is mind-numbing. How the hell are you supposed to decide on who to vote for when no one will answer a question?

Whenever I think I've reached my breaking point with 2008 election coverage I realize, oh my lord, there's ANOTHER YEAR OF THIS CRAP. I have to say that I love all the candidates equally, which is to say I loathe all of them. So I've decided that I'm voting for Hilary Duff for President, which was also my write-in vote for the NY Senate. (Did you know I can't find one single person that I know in New York that voted for the other Hillary? Funny, that.)

As always, the Onion News Network seems to say it best.



Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters [Onion News Network]

"No one party has the monopoly on bullshit . . . "
"I've always been a big fan of Hillary. She's so full of bullshit."

I like how ONN calls their election coverage "War For The White House".

CNN/YouTube Debate transcript [Part 1] [Part 2]

T.I.H.™ MYSPACEBOOK

This of course goes without saying: Myspace is the perfect example of why human beings will be extinct in less than 50 years.
Now, I wasn't trying to create an account for "me". My company needs all the linking help that it can get and apparently according to the good great amazing wonderful awesome people at Google, the more links from high PageRanked sites (normally the ones that have lots and lots of retards on them; i.e. Myspace), the better PageRanked you become. Since it shouldn't have been too much trouble to create a corporate account and link to my corporate website (excuse me for one second) [mobilier diner, produits coca cola, produits deco années 50] (right, where was I). Oh yeah, so I went to create a Myspace account. First, they didn't like my password, so I changed it, then they didn't like my [of lack a] gender, finally I got to that anti-spammer fucked-up letter screen. It took about 10 screens before I could decipher it correctly - then they told me that my password was too close to my "First Name". Long story short...Myspace finally and completely proved that I don't belong on there, in personal or corporate guise. Fuck them and their 40-year old teenage girls.

I have been thinking about posting about Facebook for a few weeks now, because I actually do have an account over there...but it just such a waste of time (both Facebook and writing about it). I will say this though: For all you stupid nancy-boy pricks who are bitching because Facebook is using your information to make money [go figure], if you don't like it you have this funny little function in Facebook:

Confirm Facebook Account Deactivation

Why don't you use it and just shut the fuck up.

All these fucking pricks want something for nothing and they want their birthday kept private from the masses are marketers out there. Man I hate people (I'm sure this comes a shock to many of you).

T.I.D.H.™ (THINGS I DON'T HATE): AMY MACDONALD

I'm not a real connoisseur of music...I like some stuff, I don't like some stuff, but I just don't have the energy or the drive to really seek out music. I try not to listen to pop radio too much, instead listen to the local college station or the off-beat, independent station whenever possible. And sometimes something pretty good just kinda runs into me. Recently, that was Amy Macdonald. I like the the folky, acoustic guitar mixed with 'er thicker-than-a-Scottish-fog accent.

Sorry for the mediocre quality of this video live @ HMV (Her Majesty's Virgin [MegaStore]?) Braehead. Her website has the video for This is the Life, but the 12-year olds on Youtube haven't managed to post it yet.



Here's one of the first singles, Mr. Rock and Roll, from her debut album, "This is the Life."

FLYERS ON A WARNING. NEXT STEP SITTING IN THE CORNER FOR A TIMEOUT

It took five different illegal head-hunting shots before the assholes in Toronto even thought about speaking with the management of Philly?

Seriously, and the league didn't lay down any actual, you know, concrete punishment if any of Philly's goons (or even normal players, because this is well beyond normal goon behavior) hurt anyone else.

What is it, Colin, the "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" philosophy? Well, since you guys are taking such a stand, I'm going to assume that you won't have to wait long before you need to make a decision regarding Holmgren & co's punishment.

This "warning" really shows the fucking league management's true colors...we don't care fuck-all for the safety and welfare of our players, but we'll make tiny changes if it will get the critics to shut up.

Fuck you Bettman. You suck! Oh and Colin Campbell, you pussy, you're no better than Gary-the-dick.

[Sportsline]

WEEKLY TOP 10: YOUR SKEETIN' HEART

10. This has been one cah-ray-zee NCAA football season, am I right? (Hence the need to give the word "crazy" an extra syllable.) On Saturday, #1 Missouri lost to Oklahoma (which everyone saw coming) and West Virgina, being #2, was required by law to lose to Pitt. And with Ohio State and LSU chosen to meet in the Big Game sometime in mid-January, people are whining about the BCS bowl system! Shocking! Just put the frigging bowl games on and I'll watch them. Anyway, screw the BCS (British Cardiovascular Society), they haven't helped me once.

CapitalOne Bowl Week preview coming soon!

9. Stephen Colbert will be doing "The Colbert Report" live at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater in NYC at 6:30 PM tonight. Man, I wish I had tickets. Regardless, I've been talking about it for years, so I think it's time I saw a comedy show down there. (Whatever happened to the Rascals Comedy Club in the Palisades Mall? Did it ever open? They put a sign up, and that's it?)

8. The New York Times wrote an article on bourbon and didn't even mention Booker's? BLASPHEMY! I guess they didn't taste anything above 101 proof, which is really is a shame: everyone should feel the glorious burn that is Booker's. The top bourbons they chose (Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year-Old ($99), Vintage 17-Year-Old ($54), Knob Creek ($20)) must be pretty damn good, because according to them "Maker's Mark didn't come close". Well then.

7. My favorites from the Tim Tebow Facts: "Tim Tebow can divide by zero" and "Tim Tebow CAN believe it's not butter". I submitted this one: "When Tim Tebow stares at the sun, the sun has to look away".

6. "Funeral for a Fiend" was the funniest Simpsons episode I've seen in a long time, definitely the best of the season. I just really like what Kelsey Grammar does with the Sideshow Bob character. Of course, FOX in their infinite wisdom decided that while every show is in hiatus because of the writers' strike, this Sunday was a good time to show a repeat.

5. The NFL claims to want to "give more football to the fans", but this is clearly not the case. Not only did very few get to see Green Bay get beat by Dallas on Thursday, but they've also eliminated those great Saturday afternoon games, and instead give us one Saturday night matchup. Memo to all sports league commissioners: don't insult my intelligence, just say it's a business decision and move on. My favorite description of the NFL Network: "24 hours of live football, 8736 hours of filler".

BLOGNOSTICATION ALERT: The New England Patriots are going to go undefeated this season, including the playoffs. That's 19-0. Congratulations, Pats!

4. Two new HD channels were added to Cablevision this week: HGTV and Food Network. I can't wait for CSPAN2-HD and Game Show HD, since the latter will allow me to view those "Match Game '79" episodes the way God (and Charles Nelson Reilly) intended.

3. I decided that I would rather go to happy hour early on Friday than attend my company holiday party. Does that make me an alcoholic? No, I think it's just common sense. There was no place to sit when I actually bothered to attend last year, so screw them.

2. After seeing someone post this online, this song was in my head all day. It's Nick Rivers "Skeet Surfin'", from the 1984 movie Top Secret!, one of the most underrated and overlooked comedies of all time.



Nick Rivers & Tammy Wynette "Your Skeetin' Heart" cracks me up every time. The East German National Anthem is priceless too: "Hail, Hail East Germany, Land of Vine And Grape, Land Where You'll Regret, Any Try To Escape!"

1. When you type in "BETTMAN SUCKS" into Google, the first image that comes up in the search is the header for this blog! We're really going places. Oh, and Bettman sucks.

FIRST SNOW OF THE SEASON

Hey, it's an excuse to post my first picture taken with the new SD1000 camera: SNOW!

Okay, that's not all that impressive, I know. Even though it was only about 1 inch here in the lowlands of New City barely covering the leaves in the backyard, it at least looks white and wintry around here. We didn't get any appreciable snowfall until Jan 19th last winter. Today was a cold day too, never getting above freezing. Global warming, my ass.

THINGS I LIKE: A FLASH OF CUSTOMER SERVICE EXCELLENCE

To offset the steaming piles of hate that Salo has served up on the OH blog (not to mention the wealth of Bettman sucks posts), I thought I'd give a nod to the good guys.

Digital cameras are the best, and worst, inventions to come along in quite some time. They've given photographers of every ilk a nearly infinite amount of control over their pictures and how they end up looking and being displayed. However, with amateurs this can be a bad thing, especially where quality is concerned. My mom is no photographer, she's a chronic snapshooter. While she will occasionally (often accidentally) take some great pictures, she always chooses to save them in "email" resolution (640 x 480) to make downloading and sending easier. The result is tiny pictures that look horrible when blown up or printed out, which is the equivalent of throwing out your 35MM negatives and just making a photocopy of the original. (Plus, she uses off-brand ink cartridges so the reds on her printed out pictures more closely resemble the color of a traffic cone--but I digress.) Since people will almost always choose convenience over quality (hence, the proliferation of poor sounding MP3s and iPod AAC music files), personal photography isn't going to improve over the years, it's actually going to deteriorate. But really, it's up to you.

This digital revolution is certainly the best thing to happen to camera manufacturers. Every couple of months, they can tweak the design of their cameras, maybe add a half a megapixel, a screen that's a millimeter wider, or a body that's a millimeter thinner--just enough to make the one you bought last year unwieldy and obsolete. You used to be able to buy a world-class SLR camera and use it for decades, because while the electronic components of the camera might change, the 35MM film and lenses would essentially stay the same. Now, you buy a camera and maybe get 3 to 4 years of use out of it, at best. It's a virtual goldmine.

I joined this trend in the summer of 2003 when I sold my Nikon N2002 and Tamron 28-200mm lens on Ebay and bought a Canon PowerShot S230 ELPH digital camera. However, after 4 great years of snapshottery it began to crap out late this summer, with the sensor only sporadically working when I would power it on. I resigned myself to the fact that it was probably about to give up the ghost, and began to shop for a replacement. In a last ditch attempt to squeeze more usage out of it, I Googled the model number to see if anyone else had the same issue. Sure enough, I found a posting about faulty CCDs (actually made by Sony) in several Canon models which had a link to the Canon website. It was a known defect, and I decided to call the customer service number, not expecting much. Let me correct that: I expected nothing.

As we all know, customer service is a thing of the past. While I don't believe there was ever a time when every company stood by their products with 100% satisfaction guaranteed for life, it certainly hasn't been any worse than it is now. Today, it seems the vast majority of companies stop caring once the product is sold, and their "support" department is merely a formality built to frustrate you into submission.

Enter Canon. In a rare flash of customer support excellence, they replaced my 4 year old S230 with a refurbished SD1000. It was astonishingly painless too. I called the 800 number, where a friendly agent from their Indiana (shockingly, in the US!) office took my information and sent me a free UPS label via email. They soon determined it was indeed the faulty CCD, and told me it would be fixed free of charge. However, since they did not have the parts available, they simply gave me a refurbished current model. I'm shocked. I'm stunned. I'm shocked AND stunned.

This new camera is in every way superior: a giant LCD screen (that I swear is twice the size), more than double the megapixels (3.2 to 7.1), more features (red eye reduction, face recognition), and an incredibly slim body with a better zoom lens (3x optical vs. the old 2x). I consider myself lucky to have gotten this treatment, which is sadly a rarity in today's consumer market. Are they one of the good guys, or a merely facilitator of planned obsolescence? Either way, it doesn't matter to me; I'm happy with this turn of events, and only have to spend $18 on a new 2 GB SD memory card, and every photo I can get out of this camera is gravy. And as Kris said, what camera manufacturer is going to come to mind when it's time to replace this one? Probably a five letter word starting with C.

T.I.H.™: IDIOT REPORTERS FROM HELL

STUDY ABROAD QUERIED AFTER ITALY KILLING screams the fucking absolutely worthless headline on MSNBC today (edit - it's actually an AP article).

As with most main-stream media reports about things of which they know little, this story just enrages me to the point that I can't even think clearly...My brain just feeds out a stream of profanities.

It's hard (for me at least - I searched Google for a total of 2 minutes!) to determine the exact number of American students that study abroad each year, but if we consider that the American Institute for Foreign Exchange has 50,000 students exchanged each year (so one-half are Americans if it's a "true" exchange), that's 25,000 students for one program. Let's be conservative and say that it's double that (I'm sure it's more, but I don't want to over-estimate). That's 50,000 US students that go abroad every year and study at a foreign school. How many are arrested for murder or suspicion of murder? As far as I can remember the total number, after accounting for statistical variation inherent in this type of higher math, is one in the last 10 years or so (so 0.10/year). Yet all of the sudden we're going to start questioning study abroad programs. FUCK YOU NBC (and you too Billy G, since you prostitute your name to this "news" source) and the AP.

Some of the arguments against study abroad (which as a really short aside was an incredible experience for me. It very influential in my transition from a US college student to an adult): The students are going to these places to drink and do drugs (did anyone have any problems getting alcohol at their US university when they were under 21? drugs if that was your thing? yeah I didn't think so); It's only the "English-speaking" (Brits & Aussies count) who are raising Cain in the streets of these pristine "European capitals" (any reporter who has ever set foot in a European capital knows that it's not just the "anglos" who are running rampant...every weekend all types of students run amok in all the cities of Europe - just like...wait for it...the US. Amazingly college students will be college students, sans geographical limitations); it's obvious that these foreign bars are targeting anglos/Americans "out to get drunk" because the bar signs are in English!!! (and the restaurants in NYC are targeting the French only because they have Boeuf Bourguignon & Filet Mignon on the menu and sommeliers on staff). Fuck you MSNBC and the AP.

Quote of the day: “For [the foreign students], it is a new world. They come here, have fun and get trashed in the evening.” (Holy shit, 'cause that is so much more different that what I did as a college student in upstate NY - we all just sat around every night and watched prime-time TV or discussed the history of the Chinese dynasties).

Anyway, I just happened across this article and couldn't resist the urge to point out the absolute lunacy of it all.

Further proving that MSNBC is a highly reputable news source - the #3 viewed article today is "Did Reese and Jake join the mile-high club?" That, my friends, is hard-hitting, spare-no-feelings, news reporting right there.

Fuck you MSNBC. Oh and lest you forget, Bettman Sucks.

T.I.H.™: TAX LOVING ASSHATS

Really quick: Fuck France. There are so many taxes here, I think the take-home pay is about 2% of your gross pay. And sometimes they tax you on "imagined" earnings.

As the creator of a company, I can't pay myself yet, but the French somehow figured this out and they make you pay social contributions (~30% of your gross salary) based on the minimum wage (which is something like 12,000€ or something). So even though I don't pay myself anything, I still have to pay ~3000€ per year because I "should" make that amount of money.

Luckily, there's a loophole for the first year. I can apply for a grant that waives most of these taxes, except two little taxes: The Generalized Social Contribution and Reimbursement for the Social Debt. 300€ that [according to the government] should have earned.

Fuck them. Since they make me pay taxes on imaginary income, I'm going to go on imaginary business trips and reimburse myself money for them.

WRIST SHOTS: HAPPY 90TH BIRTHDAY, NHL!

Back in 1917, 90 years ago today, some drunk Canadian guys formed something called the National Hockey League (or the LNH) at a meeting at the Windsor Hotel in Montreal. I'm sure a lot of Seagrams 7 was consumed (shots all around!) for them to come up with this bright idea. Back then there were only 4 teams, and the Original Six didn't come about until 1942. Now there are 30 teams scattered all over creation and the current commissioner, Bettman, sucks. Anyway, I don't know how valid this "birthday" really is, and they don't even seem to mention it on their own site. Just forget I mentioned it.

Interesting fact: less viewers have the NFL Network in this country than have VERSUS (about 39% vs. 59% of all households). Shocking, isn't it? This is mainly because the NFL has shut the cable companies out of the DirecTV-only Sunday Ticket package, and they in turn have refused to buy the NFLN (that, and the fact that cable owners like Dolan are major league asshats). This week, the NFL has chosen to air the biggest NFC matchup this season, 10-1 Dallas vs. 10-1 Green Bay, on Thursday night on NFLN. But I somehow doubt that there will be a similar avalanche of negative publicity like there was against the NHL when they chose Versus, who despite the odds has actually continued to grow and even has a HD channel on many cable systems. No, most sports reporters will take a pass on criticizing the NFL's choice; they only dog pile on the NHL because they don't know shit about hockey.

For some reason, the NY Rangers/Dallass Stars game was on free broadcast TV (Channel 9) for the first time since 1989 (not including NBC, etc). But of course, there was probably no one watching, because it was on Sunday afternoon during the Giants game! What the hell were they thinking? And why did they choose that station? Did "My9" run out of infomercials and King of the Hill reruns?

Meanwhile, all I have to do is slag the Sabres and the Devils, and they run off 4 wins in a row each, including another Marty shutout. Nice of you guys to show up! (Update: make that 5 wins in a row for the Sabres. What the Hecht is going on?)

Eric Lindros has finally retired after 13 seasons and 873 games lost to injuries. Despite a career that never lived up to the hype, he has been endorsed for the Hall of Fame by Don Cherry and Bobby Clarke. Great to see he got the jackass vote! Sadly, that's not enough to get him in; you need actual numbers for that.

On my personalized iGoogle page, I have a section for RSS feeds of the latest CBC hockey headlines. Until now I've ignored their punnery, but after these latest two I have to draw the line and say enough is enough:

Oilers try Jackets on for size
Listless Leafs mauled by Coyotes

Get it??? Wow, that's so stupid. *deleted*

Now it's time for another ugly RBK moment: the All-Star sweaters!



The cartoonish letters, the hideous silver accented sleeves, and those sassy stars simply EVERYWHERE! Sweet fancy Moses. Even the WNBA's Utah Starzz wore more manly uniforms than these (okay, maybe that's not shocking). Who would want to be voted onto the team and have to wear these things?

BETTMAN SUCKS: THE ONION EDITION

I was going to post this with my previous post, but as far as I know, Gary Bettman does not raise or adopt turkeys, but he does suck.

The Onion's abuzz about Sid the Kid saving hockey with a one-goal, two-assist night. "Commissioner Gary Bettman said, [...] that second assist was a shining example of what this game can truly be—Crosby recognized the screen, found the open man with the angle, and displayed the awe-inspiring talent one associates with a Muhammad Ali or a Michael Jordan. Hockey is surely saved now."

Bettman also acknowledged single-goal, two-assist performances from 13 other NHL players including Chris Chelios, Dany Heatley, and Todd White, but emphasized that, unlike Crosby, they had not saved the NHL.

Thanks to the Onion we are also better able to know who Mike Modano, the recently crowned US all-time scoring leader, is (a fucking Dallas asshat with an ill-gotten Stanley Cup ring -ed).

T.I.H.: ADOPTING FOOD

People "rescuing" farm animals: Is there anything stupider (more stupid?) than adopting a white turkey? This thing's sole role in life is to be roasted for 3 hours at 325°F and eaten with a side of mashed potatoes. Wait, wait; there is something more stupid - submitting to a way-of-life and financial audit to be able to adopt said turkey. I am not kidding, these fucking people have to swear that they are vegetarians and submit to income tax reviews and site visits. I think that it's tougher to adopt a turkey (which has a life span about 2-3 years) than it is to adopt a Chinese [girl] child.

You're not doing anyone a favor by giving a turkey (or a pig or a chicken or whatever) a home. These animals were genetically formulated to be juiciliciously good eatin'. If you want to adopt something, how about going to the local pound and finding a dog or cat (or hell a fucking parrot if you want) that's about to be euthanized.

I'm not a big fan of turkey farms with thousands upon thousands of not-occurring-in-nature animals, but that's the nature of the beast in today's economy. Everyone wants to pay 29 cents a pound for their turkey at Thanksgiving and $9.99 for great, juicy, marbled steak the rest of the time. Just like your shoes are made by barefoot Asian kids, your meat is made by Dow Chemical and genetics researchers in labs around the country.

Somehow I think that these people would do better for the world overall if they were to focus their energy (and money, Farm Sanctuary has a $5.7 million budget!) on the evils of factory farming, instead of trying to find foster homes for 50 lbs turkey breasts with legs.

BONUS FOOD SUPPLEMENT: Mother nature extracts her revenge as millions or billions of jellyfish attack a salmon farm off the Northern Irish coast. Apparently jellyfish prefer organic Salmon as well.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 TURKEY DAY MARATHON (BLOG EDITION)

Since all Sci-Fi shows nowadays is "Battlestar Galactica", "Stargate SG-1" reruns and infomercials, I have taken it upon myself to create my own MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 TURKEY DAY MARATHON. There was a guy named Joel (not too different than you or me) who used to host the show, so I'll let him introduce it (via the wayback machine, circa 1991):



We'll start with the incredibly creepy and hilarious short, "MR. B. NATURAL" [from episode 319] in which the "mister" is, naturally, played by a woman.
"Knew your father, I did!"
"Hey you leave my father out of this!"



Next up is "NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST" [701TD], which was premiered on Thanksgiving 1995.



"SAMSON VS. VAMPIRE WOMEN" [624] marked the final episode for TV's Frank (Coniff).



"HOBGOBLINS" (theater segments only) [907]. Let's put it this way. Hobgoblins : Gremlins :: Time of the Apes : Planet of the Apes. Which is to say, this is a shitty movie. (Damn you, Sandy Frank, for not making "Time of the Apes" available on DVD!)



"ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE" [604] was another episode that premiered on Turkey Day (1994), starring the inimitable Adam West, the original Batman (no, not Val Kilmer, Christian Bale, George Clooney, or even Michael Keaton). Thrill to Jon Mikl Thor's jazz hands!



If you haven't cheated and skipped ahead (and you can't if you're on the Satellite Of Love), we should be at Hour #6 of the marathon. So here's an intermission segment hosted by Dr. Clayton Forrester.



Up next is "SPACE MUTINY" [820], easily one of the funniest Sci-Fi offerings, right up there with "FUTURE WAR". "Calgon, blow me away!"



We close it out with "MASTER NINJA". "Ha ha ha ha ha--YOU'RE STUCK HERE!"



Meanwhile, here's what the MST3Kers are up to:

RiffTrax (Mike)
Cinematic Titanic (Joel, Trace, Frank, Mary Jo & Josh)
MST3K.com (Jim and Paul)

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!