SCARLET NIGHT

The Tri-State Area's favorite underdogs, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights (#13 BCS) play the Louisville Cardinals (#3 BCS) tonight in Piscataway in what might be the most important football game in their 137 year history. This is the first time Rutgers has played a ranked team while also being ranked themselves, going to back when Ulysses S. Grant was still President and they played the first intercollegiate game against Princeton in 1869. Rutgers football has never been good, mainly because they could never attract the top local high school players, who would end up at Penn State, Notre Dame, Pittsburgh and the like. And before Miami and BC left the Big East, they would be consistently trounced on a weekly basis. So I'm happy to see them turn it around under head coach Greg Schiano, and it's great that the area has a quality college team. Even if things don't go quite as hoped tonight and their dream of being in a BCS bowl game is shattered, hopefully they can build on it and continue to recruit the top players and be competitive for years to come. Maybe they'll even get a corporation to pay big money for the stadium naming rights, and play before sold out crowds in Johnson & Johnson Stadium.

However, the excitement has apparently reached a fever pitch as it seems that suddenly everyone is a Rutgers fan. Thousands camped out for tickets to this game the other night, as 10,500 student tickets were given away for free. But even worse than a bandwagon jumper is an obnoxious one, especially those who are calling themselves members of the "Scarlet Knights Nation". Please, I beg you, this trend has to stop. There's "Queer Nation", and its much less respected bastard cousin "Red Sox Nation", and that's where it should end. If you go to the school, you can just say you're a Scarlet Knight, or if that sounds too weird, a Rutgers student. If you don't, just say that you're rooting for them, don't claim to be part of some fictitious "club". It's pathetic, and actually kind of creepy.

Personally, I never understood people who buy season tickets and go to college games without having any affiliation with the school whatsoever. Maybe people are looking to "be a part of something", and its hard to beat the sheer passion and (apparent) innocence of college sports. But unless you went to Rutgers, work there, sent your kids there, have had season tickets for 10 years, etc., there's really no reason for it. Yes, I admit that I'm officially rooting for them tonight, and even though I took a summer course at RU and my sister went there, I'm not going to claim to be part of a "nation". I'm thinking that all the fairweather Rutgers fans that have popped up will retreat back into the woodwork (?) if they lose to Louisville and West Virginia over the next month, and then we can see who's a real fan.

As for tonight's game, I hate to say it but I don't see them stopping this high scoring Louisville team. QB Brian Brohm led them to victory versus a stacked WVU team last week (354 yds/1 TD, in a 44-34 win), and completely torched RU last year (315 yds/3 TD, in a 56-5 win). Although they're much improved on defense and sophomore Raymell Rice is an excellent runningback, Rutgers has to play perfect football tonight and get some breaks to win. My blognostication is that Louisville (-6) will win 31-13. Of course, I hope they prove me wrong and there are some serious parties up and down Easton Avenue tonight. Knowing Rutgers, there probably will be anyway.

Go Scarlet Knights!

Louisville vs. Rutgers Preview [Daily Targum]
Rutgers supplying wins to meet demand [Daily Targum]

RANDOM NOTES

I've heard the Rush song "Tom Sawyer" about 400 billion times in my lifetime. What does it mean? It came out when I was 10 years old, and I wasn't too keen on the lyrics then, nor am I now. Please explain in 50 words or less. Oh, and I never read "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" either, so I'll need a short synopsis of that too.

My HOME DOME DOG pick, the Detroit Lions, didn't let me down (well, I didn't blog it because I was away for the weekend, but I had a feeling they'd beat Atlanta). And also a big thanks to the NFL officials for letting a bad call (questionable face mask penalty on blocked FG attempt runback by Redskins) lose a game for the Cowboys! Great job, you blind part-time morons. Blognostication: Bill Parcells will be free to play golf full time by February 12, 2007.

And now that the Bears undefeated season has been erased, and half the players are hurt (Urlacher, Strahan, Umienyora, Burress, etc), can you switch the Bears @ Giants game back to Sunday at 1 PM? No, you're still showing it @ 8:15? And the 4th quarter won't start until 11 PM? Okay, fuck you NBC, I'm not watching.

Before they attempted to drag the U.S.S. Intrepid out of New York harbor today, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said, "The Intrepid stands for everything we believe in ... our freedom and our values." So it's incredibly appropriate that the massive aircraft carrier couldn't be moved because it was stuck in the mud.

Jagshemash! The #1 Movie of the weekend was BORAT: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which got an astonishing 96% review rating on RT. Enjoy the first four minutes of the movie right here. He's the 21st century answer to Yakov Smirnoff! (Except that he's funny, and he's not really from Kazakhstan.) I like sex, it is nice!

Great Xmas gift idea: VANILLA FUDGE T-SHIRT.

THINGS I LIKE: MARIA SHARAPOVA

Since I do a lot of whining here, I'm introducing a new Open Hockey feature: THINGS I LIKE. Every once in a while I'm going to just post something positive, something that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Well, I don't know about the fuzzy part.

Today, it's MARIA SHARAPOVA.


(This picture is from the 2007 SI swimsuit calendar, and more pix are here and here, if you're into that sort of thing.)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

NHL ON GOOGLE VIDEO

The NHL has joined up with Google Video for an exclusive deal to show complete commercial-free hockey games. From the looks of it, they're delayed about 3 days. They're expected to get classic games on here in the future. Eventually, they'll charge for this service (duh), but it's all FREE for the first two weeks in November. This is perfect if you're the Biggest Sabres Fan In France or don't have a TV. As for me, maybe I can catch up on some of the West Coast teams that I don't get to see much of. It's not live streaming (like MLB.com), but it's a start.

WRIST SHOTS: BUFFASLUG -- YOU'RE FIRED!

» That crazy Russian is on a historic streak! Malkin has scored a goal in his first 6 games, a feat not done since 1917-18. This was also the NHL's first year, which makes the accomplishment even more impressive. (Think about it: if it was the NHL's first year, those guys could have been scoring goals in amateur hockey for decades before then, right?) Anyway, I think this kid is going to be pretty good.
» Okay, the Sabres are starting to scare me. They FINALLY lost in a shootout vs. Atlanta on Saturday night (take THAT, Kris "Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo!), ending our long national nightmare. Tonight they were down 4-1 visiting the Bruins at the TDBankNorth BookDepository. With under 9 minutes to go, it appeared they were about to lose for the first time in regulation . . . but not so fast! OF COURSE they reeled off 3 unexplained goals and won 5-4 in a shootout, as Maxim "Magazine For Men" Afinogennycream added two more goals to his ledger.
» I heard a local slack-jawed sports yokel refer to the Ducks as "undefeated" before the Rangers beat them in OT on Wednesday night. But they were 9-0-3 at the time, which includes 3 OT losses. So we can't say they're undefeated, but we can say "undefeated in regulation". Let's please try to get this straight.
» Finnish goalie Kari Lehtonen is making all the difference for the 1st place Atlanta Flames--uhm, Thrashers (8-3-3). Unfortunately, his name looks like "Let one in". Think of the puns!
» Local boy Jim Dowd, formerly a Brick (NJ) Dragon, is back with the Devils. You might remember (or not) that he scored the winning goal in Game 2 en route to a 1995 Stanley Cup Finals sweep of the Red Wings. That was 11 years ago??? Wow, I feel old.
» By the way, statements like "The Devils need to find more offense" make me laugh, because I read those stories 3 Cups ago. But it might be more true in the new NHL.
» If you happen to be shopping in the Hartford mall, say hi to Darius for me. Which reminds me, I need to see a Lowell Devils game before the season is over.
» Lastly, columnist Jim "Not The Bills QB" Kelley of Prime Time Sports said the new Sabres logo looks like Donald Trump's hair. Brilliant observation. Here's the side by side comparison:



That's awesome! If I had Photoshop, I'd stick that thing right on his skull.

Well, if you hate the Buffaslug, it could be worse. No, I'm serious. Check out these links for some truly bad logos:
WORST HOCKEY LOGOS OF ALL TIME. I remember seeing a shirt for the NJ Rock'n'Rollers. Ewww.
BUSH LEAGUE FACTOR has some hideous minor league hockey logos (what the hell is an ice bat?)

2006 THE TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!

It's here, the PGA Tour's final tournament of 2006 (sort of), THE TOUR Championship! What the hell is THE TOUR Championship, you ask? And why the weird capitalization? I don't know. Apparently, it's a four-round, cut-free golf tournament that invites the top 30 money winners, and all 30 will be richer by the end of the weekend. I'm not sure what its purpose is.

So why should we watch it? Because the top 30 golfers are there, that's why! Oh, except the #1 golfer, Tiger, who's cruising around in his yacht with his Swedish thing. And Phil (#4) won't be there either; he's at home watching the replay of the 2006 U.S. Open while crying into a pint of Chubby Hubby. Oh, and none of the Europeans who played well at the Ryder Cup will be there, like Montgomerie, Garcia, Clarke, or Harrington (in fact, Luke Donald is the only one). And the one Canadian, Stephen Ames, withdrew. So it's the TOP 27 in the world in a showdown to . . . eh whatever. If Tiger and Phil don't care, why should we?

I'm a golf fan, and I'm not even sure I'm going to tune in. And with football, hockey, and basketball all in full swing, it's a tough sell for the rest of the world too. Regardless, this is the last year that this tournament will be held in November, as in 2007 it will be moved up to September to be an integral part of "The Chase for the FedEx Cup". I don't know how I feel about this idea yet, but I hate the name which makes it sound like some lousy NASCAR type point race. I can't even find an article discussing the pros and cons, the only ones I can find are gushing praise written by the PGA itself (This just in: FedEx Cup is AWESOME!). You would think that the PGA Tour is doing this because it's suffering and needs more exposure, but that's hardly the case. Maybe the purses have become so bloated that they have to support it somehow, but I don't know if inventing an imaginary "cup" and giving the winner $10 million is the way to go. But I might be wrong.

Anyway, if you have the means, you can watch the rich get richer at the East Lake Golf Club in Atlanta, Georgia this weekend. Or just hop on your luxury yacht. Either way, enjoy!

THE WACKIEST HOCKEY TEAM IN THE NAVY!

I don't have much to say today, I just wanted to post that humorous hockey picture. Before I die, I'm going to see a hockey game up in Montreal. Overall, I have a feeling it will be a different atmosphere than seeing a game in the swamps of Jersey. Of course, Canada is no longer a vacation bargain since the latest exchange rate is $1.00 USD = $1.13 CAN. Wow, that's craptacular. It used to be a 30% difference (some Maine retailers still insist on this) but now the loonies are catching up with us. Since 9/11, it seems like you can't find a cheap stripper anymore.

Is the NBA season over yet? I'm already sick of people talking about it. You can also get your Knicks ticket "mini-plans" and "micro-plans". I can't decide between the "nada-plan" or the "zilcho-plan".

According to Slate, Bono is a tax-dodging hypocrite. Of course, I think we all wish he would stop trying to get a Nobel Peace Prize and concentrate on writing NON-CRAPPY SONGS.

HAPPY BLOGOWE'EN!

It's that magical day -- HALLOWE'EN! Actually, my favorite day is tomorrow when the stores sell discounted candy. Be sure to visit the Eye-Opener for some FRIGHTENINGLY BAD HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Thanks especially to Retrocrush who showcased some of those old plastic mask/smock combo costumes that were prevalent back in the 70s. I forgot how monumentally bad some of those were. I think I had an Underdog costume back in 1974 and I'm shocked they didn't have it.

Lisa: I don't think the real Radioactive Man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it.
Milhouse: He would on Halloween!

Some random thoughts:

* I completely avoided MNF on ESPN last night and I feel that I'm better for it. Instead of merely showing you a sporting event, they beat everything to death with a stupid stick, and it seems as if it's produced for an audience with an I.Q. of 75 that likes flashing lights and, apparently, heapin' helpings of Hank Williams Jr. It's unbearable. I'm convinced that ESPN hates sports fans.

But I have an idea that can save MNF. Recently they've been doing this ESPN Full Circle Jerk thing for college football, where all of the ESPN channels are devoted to different aspectse and angles of a single game. Why don't they do this for MNF? For those who don't care about all the ancillary Hollywood nonsense they've injected into the show, devote one channel (ESPN2) to JUST SHOWING THE GAME. No commentary, no special guests, no bullshit, just football. Plus, they'll get great ratings on BOTH channels. Think of how great that will be for the advertising dollars You can thank me later, ESPN.

* I tuned into the Flyers/Hawks game for a few minutes and saw a lot of people wearing orange afros in the crowd. I wasn't shocked, since it's the day before Halloween, and there's nothing else to do in Philly. But apparently, they unofficially set a Guinness world record by getting 9,315 fans to wear wigs during the game (beating the old record of 6,213 set at a Pistons game in 2004). First of all, why is there a record for that? Man, this country is doomed. And second, that's the highlight of the Flyers season.

* It may have been a fever dream, but last night I'm pretty sure I saw Steven Colbert join Barry Manilow to sing "I Write the Songs", which was hilarious. Right after that, I switched to David Letterman to see Borat, Tiki & Beck, which sounds like a name for one screwed-up law firm. Borat even joined Beck on stage for a minute during "Nausea". Very funny. Sasha Baron Cohen is a weird guy.

* Interesting article from Slate: PROOF THAT INTERNET PORN PREVENTS RAPE. Discuss amongst yourselves.

HAPPY DAYLIGHT WASTING TIME!

I'm getting more and more cynical every day. Everything bugs me to some degree, whether it's commercials, politicians, or car salesmen. I'm trying to figure out what's causing it. Why is this? Have I changed my diet? Not really. Have I changed anything else in my life? Nope, been living/working at the same place for 5 years. The only thing I can trace it back to is this: I spend way too much time reading blogs.

Blogs are filled with negative energy, it's basically just a way for people to complain, bitch and moan about the world. That's fine, but it starts to affect you after a while. But as far as sports information goes, I only go to Sportsline when I want to get some stats, and rarely if ever visit ESPN, because I can't take their self-righteous self-importance. I read an inordinate amount of stuff from blogs and Deadspin approved sites because I much prefer sites that ridicule athletes than those who take them so seriously. For instance, I would rather read ExBurgher's hilarious Tecmo NFL previews than put up with the pompous Peter King's picks.

Okay, I really came on here to blab about football (I loved seeing the Trojans lose to the Beavers yesterday as well), so let's go.

THIS WEEK IN THE NFL:

BARBER BOWL! Yes, Tiki and Ronde will be on opposite sides of the ball in the Bucs @ Giants game today FOR POSSIBLY THE LAST TIME EVER, in case you haven't heard. Crazy stat: Ronde has 2 TDs on defense, while Tiki has 0. That's absurd. Tiki will finally get in the end zone at a blustery Giants Stadium today.
MONDAY NIGHT FUCKTARDS. Paris Hilton is going to be on this week. Fuck ESPN.
WHO THE HELL DAT? Here are some of the starting QBs today: Damon Huard (or rookie Brodie Croyle, if he can't go), Charlie Frye, David Gerrard, Brad Gradkowski, and Seneca Wallace. Who the hell are these guys? Is this the NFL or the World League?
NEW VIEW. Black Bear in White Plains, which I am going to visit right now. Apparently, they have all HD screens, unlike most bars in the area. I'll give my review later.
MY UPSET PICK: I was going to say Cleveland over the Jets, but the Browns are favored at home by 2. So it's Seattle (+4) over KC.

RIFFTRAX

Did I ever mention how much I miss MST3K? If not, I'm mentioning it now. Well, RiffTrax is the next best thing! Satellite of Love-less Mike Nelson has recorded commentaries you can download and listen to along with movies like Top Gun, The Matrix, Halloween, and of course, Road House, for $1.99-2.99. And Kevin "Tom Servo" Murphy and Bill "Crow 2" Corbett even join him for a few of them! (I suppose you have to draw your own silhouettes on the bottom of your TV to get the full MST3K effect.) I might have to buy Star Trek V! Wait, I'd also have to buy the DVD for Star Trek V, and I don't think that's gonna happen.

Some links:
* Click here for Rifftrax samples.
* Here's a secret super hidden Road House clip!
* Coming soon: The Phantom Menace.
* Pick up MST3K Volume 10 DVD if you haven't already!
* Rhino is losing the rights to the Volume 1 and Volume 3 movies, so get those DVDs before they go out of print. Because if you don't own The Sidehackers, you don't own SHIT.
* Mike Nelson also riffs the California Governor's race on YouTube, for Phil Angelides and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

MAXIM'S HOCKEY'S TOUGHEST BASTARDS

Maxim magazine has compiled a list of Hockey's Toughest Bastards. Here it is:

15. Gino Odjick
I guess he gets on this list because of the cool "The Maniwaki Mauler" nickname. Fair enough.
14. Doug Jarvis
Yes, he played in 964 consecutive games, but he's not a "tough guy".
13. Todd Bertuzzi
Of course, he's only going to be remembered for his Insane in the Zidane cheap shot of Steve Moore.
12. Doug Gilmour
Again, whoever made this list must like nicknames (his was "Killer"). I'm not buying it.
11. Wendel Clark. When they were both Maple Leaves, he made Gilmour as tough as he was, so they cancel each other out.
10. Dave Semenko
"Gretzky's bodyguard". If that's true, he did a hell of a job.
9. Peter Forsberg
What? This is where the list started to lose me. He shouldn't even be in the top 1000. Plus, it seems like he's made out of glass nowadays (currently on the DL).
8. Billy Smith
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Battlin' Billy was a crazy bastard, but a goalie at #8?
7. Gordie Howe
Absolutely. Why not higher? He also played hockey (in some form) in 6 straight decades.
6. Maurice Richard
5. Bob Probert
No argument there. I don't want Bob pissed at me.
4. Bob Baun
Scoring the winning goal after fracturing your ankle: now THAT'S a hockey player, but not this high.
3. Scott Stevens
Now, being a Devils fan I'm a bit biased, but I thought he should have been #1. So that means the top 2 are going to be real badasses, right? Right?
2. Mark Messier
Okay, a Rangers fan made this list, there's no doubt. Because he "guaranteed a win", he gets a tough bastard award? I don't think so. Yes, the Captain was a resilient leader, and a prolific point scorer, but not the 2nd "toughest" of all-time.
1. Mario Lemieux
Are you kidding me? He shouldn't even be on this list! Recovering from non-Hodgekin's lymphoma is pretty impressive, but not a criteria for naming someone #1. If it wasn't for guys like Ulf Samuelsson protecting him, he'd be nothing.

It's interesting that guys like Tie Domi, Bobby Clarke, Clark Gilles, Stu Grimson or Darius KasparMINUS aren't on here. I'd even put Ryan Smith on there before freaking Mario. What a crap list, especially the top player on it. What would you expect from Maxim, one of the most moronic magazines out there? It's clear they know next to nothing about hockey.

Try this list out instead: Hockey's Tough Guys

COMMERCIAL BREAKDOWN

While watching commercials tonight, which were occasionally interrupted by LOST, one break had two separate but similar ads. One was hyping a Taye Diggs TV show about deja vu, and another one hyping a Denzel Washington movie about deja vu called, well, Deja Vu. I'm having that weird feeling like I'd just seen this somewhere before, and there's a name for it I can't remember . . . oh yeah, the word is "UNORIGINAL".

I heard that Bob Seger passed the Chevy commercial torch over to John Mellencamp at the World Series the other day. What a special moment, a changing of the mud guard, so to speak. Too bad I missed it (and according to the ratings, so did most of the country). John Cougar (what a cool rock name, so of course he changed it), it was nice knowing you. I hope you enjoy your free pickup truck, you useless whore.

Those Coors Light commercials with fake press conferences featuring Bill Walsh and Dick Vermeil AREN'T FUNNY, despite what other people may tell you and what you think (currently, I'm not charging money for this service).

A couple of complete morons, who are inexplicably dining at Taco Bell with a cute chick, discuss some godawful "crunchy, cheezy and chewy" delicacy and try to create a single adjective to would describe it. Wait, you forgot to include "chest-clutching". How about "crunchestclutcheesewy"?

Circuit City's commercials are amazingly inane. "Looking for that new TV? We've got just what you needed!", is the claim they make while The Cars song of the same name plays in the background. "Our web site has thousands of customer reviews so you can find out everything you need to know about our hottest gear." Let me get this straight: you're going to help us out by making us read what CUSTOMERS recommend? In other words, they couldn't tell you a single thing about their own merchandise, so they're not even going to try. Here's what I envision their employees saying as you walk in: "Hi, are you looking for a new TV? Well, I don't have the faintest clue, but why don't you ask that guy over there? He comes in the store every week and just hangs out for an hour, and I think he has three TVs at home, he probably knows more than me! Oh, and we take VISA, MasterCard and cash!" That's the best you can do? How do stores like this stay in business? Let me guess: staggering amounts of volume to cover up their severe ineptitude? Can you do us all a favor and please go out of business already? Why can't every electronics retailer be like HARVEY ELECTRONICS or CRUTCHFIELD?

WHO'S ON D?

Devils Fan 1: I like that new defenseman that the Devils called up.
Devils Fan 2: Oduya?
Fan 1: Yeah, I do. He's pretty good, I have to find out his name.
Fan 2: Oduya.
Fan 1: Yes, I just said that! Do you know his name?
Fan 2: ODUYA!
Fan 1: No, I don't! That's why I'm asking you!
Fan 2: ODUYA!!!
Fan 1: Do I what?
Fan 2: JOHNNY ODUYA!!!
Fan 1: YES I DO! AND DON'T CALL ME JOHNNY!!!

[A donnybrook ensues.]

MALKIN IN THE MIDDLE OF PENGUINS RESURGENCE

This just in: Evgeni Malkin is the real deal. Last night, he scored a goal against the Devils to make it 4-2, cutting through two defenders and backhanding it past Marty's glove side. That was the prettiest shot I've seen a Penguins player make since the 90s. If you have the means to find the highlight, I highly recommend it, it is so choice.

The shocking thing is that at 20 he's the oldest of the young skaters in Pittsburgh's EXPERIENCE THE EVOLUTION: Sidney Crosby is 19, and Jordan Staal is 18. If Fleury (only 21) emerges as a top goalie, Pittsburgh could be scary. Sure, they're shockingly in first in the Atlantic Division right now, but I give them a year or two before they're serious contenders. It's good to see a league where skill and youth can make a difference. And the city of Pittsburgh deserves this, it's been a while since they've had a winning team. Wait, no it hasn't.

Meanwhile, enjoy this Malkin goal from the 2005 World Championships:



Are you Malkin kidding me?

I'M READY FOR SOME MUTHAF**IN FOOTBALL

We're seven/seventeenths of the way through the NFL season, so what better time than now for some notes from another Sunday in the NFL!

* That's right, my upset special came through for me as the TEXANS upset the JAGS yesterday. Of course, if I was actually a betting man, they would have lost.

* Bucs kicker Matt Bryant kicked a 62 yard field goal to beat the Eagles. Just like Jeff Weaver and Kenny Rogers, thanks for doing JACK SHIT WHILE PLAYING IN NEW YORK!

* Ronde "Twin Brother of Tiki" Barber ran back two interceptions for touchdowns on Sunday. I think he should retire now while he's at the top of his game. In fact, why doesn't he just play for the Bucs AND the G-Men next year, I bet no one will know.

* God, I hate having to sit through Peyton Manning's audible extravaganza before very snap. It's maddeningly irritating.

* About this Tiki retirement stuff, I'm starting to think that maybe he has a bigger ego than previously thought. He was probably thinking all week leading up to the Dallas Cowtippers game, "T.O., T.O., always talking about T.O. Fuck that, it's Tiki time! Let's give them something to talk about!" Okay, he didn't quote a Bonnie Raitt song, because that would be gay. But I have no doubt he "mentioned something in passing to a reporter" to stir up some Tiki talk time. And still, the best he could come up with is "I want to talk about football on TV." Yeah, that's super. Great choice. Way to go.

OKAY, IT'S MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL TIME!
* That asinine ESPN gimmick where some random celebrity "picks up the helmet" has to go. Although Samuel L. Jackson did it this week, and you know what? I'm ready for some muthafuckin football! And then Hank Williams, Jr. made me realize that I'll never be ready. What a no-talent hick whore. Oh good, he's going to be in the booth. I've officially turned on WFAN radio, which is 5 seconds behind (vs. FOX which is 5 seconds ahead--WTF?). Now I'm listening to Bob Papa, Dick Lynch and Dave Jennings, who just gave some fascinating punt analysis. They're a little homerish, but light years more tolerable than the MNFers.

* Okay, I missed the Plaxico TD. I hear it was pretty.

* LaVar has decided to show up tonight, because reports are that he sacked Bledsoe in the end zone for a safety. Wait, is that confirmed? Are we sure that was him? Hey LaVar, I love your soap, I buy it all the time. Oh, that's LEVER, as in LEVER 2000, the last year LaVar was a factor. See how that works?

* A camera shot of Jerry Jones and Troy Aikman in the booth, stonefaced and emotionless. Man, that looks like a wild duo. Can we get Al Gore in there to lighten up the mood and tell some knock knock jokes?

* Strahan just equaled LT's sack total. Of course, they didn't even invent the "sack" category until LT's second season, so who knows for sure?

* Umenyiora (I finally can spell his name right without looking it up) just got a sack even though Bledsoe threw the pass for the completion. Yeah, this rule is supposed to "protect the QB", but it can sometimes cost you too.

* Dallas fans: "WE WANT ROMO! NOT THE HOMO! WE WANT ROMO! SEND DREW HOMO!"

* On 3rd and inches Eli threw a perfect strike into the end zone, so accurately lobbed that only the defensive back could catch it. NEWMAN. Everytime I think Eli is starting to mature and not make dumb mistakes he flings a ball of feces like that.

* And now LaVar is hurt. Something happened to his left leg and they're carting him off. Thanks for the half a game you played this year. Well done.

You can feel the tide turning now.

* Bledsoe ran and was STOPPED SHORT OF THE END ZONE . . . but naturally it's called a TD, and it's not challenged.

* Tiki fumbled and got hurt on the play (or maybe vice versa), Dallas is going to score again. I think I've watched enough. If Tiki gets knocked out, the G-Men are done. And now Osi is hurt???

I KNEW I wasn't ready for some football.

* Bledsoe is picked off at the end zone by Samuel L. Madison, muthafucka! Dodged the proverbial bullet there. "TAKE OUT THE HOMO! PUT IN ROMO!"

* Jerry Jones is now standing on the sidelines. Are there more than one of him? Oh god I hope not. Is he going to start coaching now? 12-7 G-MEN. What a mess of a first half.

* "ROMO! ROMO! ROMO!" First play, rollout, tipped by Strahan, INTERCEPTION by Pierce, first down on the 14 for the Giants! And the Romo love fest is over. "BLED-SOE! BLED-SOE! BLED-SOE!"

* After Shockey's TD catch made it 19-7, on the ensuing drive T.O. dropped a WIDE OPEN PASS on 4th and 2 at the 30 and his eye on the end zone. What a shame, he seems like such a nice happy-go-lucky lad!

* The Giants are winning but players are getting injured: Osi (groin), LaVar (out), and now Strahan (hammy) and Madison (?). Not to mention Tiki looks like he's a little concussed. Actually, you can't be "a little concussed", you either are or you aren't. Let's just say Tiki's probable "with a head". I like Tiki, but even this ass-kissing MNF is giving them is making me ill. And I trusted the media not to make a big deal about this until after the season! ESPN is slowly killing me.

* Why are they talking to Emmitt Smith? There's a GAME GOING ON HERE, and the Giants are MOVING THE BALL! Can we at least get some live shots of Emmitt dancing with some hot piece of ass?

* Eli runs to the 2, 4th and inches. (Brandon Jacobs. Brandon Jacobs. Brandon Jacobs.) Surprisingly, they had it off to JACOBS and he shakes off about 5 guys to score! That was a monsterous bull rush. 26-7 Giants. What a swing.

UPDATE: Allegedly, LaVar tore his Achilles tendon. It's over for him, just when he was getting started (no one told him it was Week 7).

* Cowboys scored a TD in about 57 seconds. Way to sit back and let them score, Big Blue. Ugh.

* Hey, nice drive of -8 yards, and great job killing some clock (0:52), and giving the ball right back! The Cowboys are going to win this, the G-Men D wore themselves out in the first half, and they're beat up.

* And there's another ROMO INT! Dallas fans, are you sure this is better than Bledsoe? Two G-Men wrestled for that one, and Fred "Tim" Robbins ended up with it. Now, CAN WE KILL SOME G.D. CLOCK PLEASE???

* And they got a Feely FG, give that man a Nat Sherman cigar! 29-15 G-Men.

* HICKORY DICKORY DOCKERY runs back a Romo INT 96 yards for a TD! 36-15 G-Men!

* G-Men win it, 36-22. The Giants notch their FIRST EVER MNF WIN IN DALLAS (it's about time), and are in first place in the NFC East. Now if only they didn't injure half the defense today, I'd feel better about next week . . .

THE GREAT PUMPKIN BATTLE

The city of Boston broke the Guinness World Record for "most carved and lit pumpkins" over the weekend at their Life Is Good Pumpkin Festival, reaching a total of 30,128. As impressive as this is, I'm sure this rankles the town of Keene, New Hampshire to no end, as they have been hosting their own pumpkin festival since 1991 until Boston decided to steal their thunder in 2004. In 2003, Keene set the record at 28,952 carved and lit pumpkins until being knocked off the throne this past weekend.

I attended the 2004 Keene festival, and I was both impressed and shocked at how many people showed up and crammed into this tiny town. And holy gourds, there were a lot of pumpkins, which looked fantastically eerie as night fell. Of course, people who enjoy the baked by-products of this festival probably enjoyed it more than I did, since I only eat the seeds. I can't even imagine how many pounds of pumpkin guts were discarded in the aftermath.

But what does Boston have to prove? Why not leave the pumpkin festival to the good people of Keene? Don't they have better things to do? (I may have answered my own question there.) If Bostonians want to see a whole bunch of jack-o-lanterns it's only an hour and a half drive. Plus, for a city of 600,000 people to beat the record set by a small town of 22,000 by only a couple of hundred pumpkins is pretty pathetic, if you ask me. For the past 6 years running, Keene has produced MORE PUMPKINS THAN RESIDENTS. (Although, judging by the people walking around, there may have been more LIT ATTENDEES.) So until you surpass that feat, Keene's the winner in my book. Let's face it, Beantown really knows how to ruin a good thing: look what they've done to tea parties, highway construction, and the Red Sox, the once lovable losers who are now a coast to coast Nation of irritating braggards. Well, now its citizens have something else to brag about, as if they weren't arrogant enough.

Next year I predict there will be an all-out carve 'em up, scoop 'em out, jack-o-lantern border war, as countless knives will be brandished and the streets will run orange with the blood and pulp of thousands of pumpkins. I don't know who will win; all I know for sure is that it's going to be pretty sloppy.

WRIST SHOTS: TAKE THE LAST TRAIN TO CLARKESVILLE

After their worst start in 17 years (1-6-1), Flyers GM and annoying jerk Bobby Clarke quit and fired coach Ken Hitchcock on his way out (who had just signed a 3 year contract). Like Domi, he finally realized that he's a dinosaur in this league and it's time to hang it up. See ya! I stand by my prediction that they're missing the playoffs-they are horribly slow, the Sabres were skating circles around them. Some other notes:

Goalie's Gone Wild! I made a joke while attending Game 1 of the 2000 Devils/Stars Stanley Cup Finals when Eddie Belfour was pulled, saying "Now I can tell my grandkids I saw Manny Fernandez play." (The Stars coach at the time? Ken Hitchcock.) Well, the joke's on me because the Wild finally lost their first game Saturday, and The Man is 6-1 with a 1.60 GAA/.945 SV.
Got Malkin? Geez, I can't wait to see these shirts in Pittsburgh (right next to the Big Ben 'Drink Like A Champion Today' shirts). But plenty of other teams now wish they had Russian rookie Evgeni Malkin, who has scored in each of his first 3 games.
Senators re-elected. Off to an iffy start, they completely blew the Devils off the ice, scoring 6 against Marty before the 2nd period was over en route to a 8-1 win. I'll hold off on my excitement until they make it to the Stanley Cup finals.
No relation to John Maine. Rick "The Franchise" DiPietro finally notched his first win on Saturday in 4 tries (4.11 GAA). It's not his fault his dumb ass owner gave him a 15 year contract, who wouldn't sign on the line for that? So I'm going to stop bashing him, primarily because I want to see the Isles back in the playoffs, and secondly because he's an American from the state of Maine. (Lewiston/Auburn, Cities of the Androscoggin! Sorry, it's a local Maine commercial, you had to be there.)
Home Grown. Speaking of American players, the New Jersey Devils have the most with 15 currently on the active roster.
It's Tricky. In this video about trick shots, it appears Oiler prospect Robbie Schrempf has got some skills. I can't wait to see something like this in a shootout.



Hold on, isn't that a high stick? When he goes around his shoulder, it's way above the crossbar. (And while we're at it, you can't legally do that on the golf course, although that's impressive.)

THIS IS THE ENDY

My last blog entry about baseball for 2006 will be an upbeat one: here's THE CATCH starring ENDY CHAVEZ.

SCREW YOU GOOGLE FOR REMOVING THE VIDEO FROM YOUTUBE!

Oddly enough, it's on Google video. Huh?



Just incredible. Not only the catch, but the circumstances surrounding it. (And yes, Willie got lucky because he should have taken out Perez after walking Edmonds. But I digress.) I was hoping their hitting would explode after that, but alas, they left the bases loaded in the bottom of that inning as well as the 9th (I'm still waiting for BEAST-TRAN to swing). And I hate to keep pointing out how old the music at Shea is, but playing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now" from 1978 after that? Ugh.

At least I don't feel like I did after 2000, that the Mets' postseason appearance was an anomaly. I think this team can make it back here next year, but hopefully not another Game 7 because that might kill me. And no, I won't be watching the World Series (the last game I watched a significant part of was Game 1 of the Sox/Cards series in 2004), and I suspect everyone outside of Detroit and St. Louis couldn't give a shit either.

Kris "The Biggest Sabres Fan In France" Salo pointed out: "What kind of name is 'Endy?' I mean, they could've gone with "Eddy" or "Andy" but no, it has to be some messed up name..." Well, I don't know anyone else named that but it could be a popular Latino nombre del hombre, or his mom declaring that she's done having kids (get it???). Maybe they're saying "What kind of name is 'Jeff'? Couldn't they name him 'Jose' or 'Jesus'?" From now on, you can call me the Open Hockey Jesus.

ENDY CHAVEZ - THE CATCH [FOX]

2006 NLCS GAME SIX PIX

Here are some pix from Game 6 of the 2006 NLCS at Shea.


HEY RON, LOVED YOU IN SHALLOW HAL!


Beautiful day @ Shea.


Karl, Mike, Scott at the 2006 NLCS. Not to be confused with Mike Scott, MVP of the 1986 NLCS.


And now for the HAPPY RECAP, Mets fans: it's TANQUERAY TIME!

IS THE TIKI BAR CLOSING?

Man, it's been a crappy week. Along with the Mets finally succumbing to the mighty bats of the Cardinals (seriously, you guys have an awesome juggernaut of a team, relying on Yadier Molina to get it done, way to go, Tigers in 5), here's another bit of depressing news: Tiki Barber is leaning towards retiring after this NFL season. The worst part of it? He's thinking about persuing a television career. Really, that's all you've got? Are you sure you don't want to become an astronaut for the Mars mission, open a cancer research center, or become a nuclear scientist? I'd rather he pulled a Ricky Williams and say he wanted to "find himself" (which turned out to be "find himself the best marijuana in the entire world"). Say it ain't so, Teek!

Some are writing it off as a "non-story" or as a "contract negotiation tactic", but I don't think so. This comes as a shock to me. Right now, at the age of 31 he seems to be at the peak of his career. At a time when most running backs seem to be breaking down (Larry Johnson, Cadillac, Portis, Edgerrin), he's in phenomenal shape and could easily produce for years to come.

By all accounts, Tiki's a fairly intelligent guy, and it probably kills him to have to hang out with dumbass football players all the time. But there's nothing further from highbrow than having to hang out with sports broadcasters. I understand not wanting to get pummeled 30-40 times a week by chemically enraged 275 pound linebackers, but willingly trading analysis and witticisms with the likes of Michael Irvin and Terry Bradshaw might be a worse psychological beating.

Former Giants QB Phil Simms said it best: "Life after football is long. In fact, my wife now wants me to TALK TO HER FOR HOURS ON END, and I have no idea what we're even discussing half the time. Luckily, she bought the excuse that I'm physically unable to cuddle due to my various football-related surgeries." Well, maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit but you get the idea.

All I can say is that I hope you're sure about this Tiki (if you're reading this). If so, please let me know so I can hurry up and buy my Fathead poster.

Now unlike Favre this year and Bettis last year, the media can SHUT UP ABOUT THIS until the end of the season, and let's play some football.