I'M READY FOR SOME MUTHAF**IN FOOTBALL

We're seven/seventeenths of the way through the NFL season, so what better time than now for some notes from another Sunday in the NFL!

* That's right, my upset special came through for me as the TEXANS upset the JAGS yesterday. Of course, if I was actually a betting man, they would have lost.

* Bucs kicker Matt Bryant kicked a 62 yard field goal to beat the Eagles. Just like Jeff Weaver and Kenny Rogers, thanks for doing JACK SHIT WHILE PLAYING IN NEW YORK!

* Ronde "Twin Brother of Tiki" Barber ran back two interceptions for touchdowns on Sunday. I think he should retire now while he's at the top of his game. In fact, why doesn't he just play for the Bucs AND the G-Men next year, I bet no one will know.

* God, I hate having to sit through Peyton Manning's audible extravaganza before very snap. It's maddeningly irritating.

* About this Tiki retirement stuff, I'm starting to think that maybe he has a bigger ego than previously thought. He was probably thinking all week leading up to the Dallas Cowtippers game, "T.O., T.O., always talking about T.O. Fuck that, it's Tiki time! Let's give them something to talk about!" Okay, he didn't quote a Bonnie Raitt song, because that would be gay. But I have no doubt he "mentioned something in passing to a reporter" to stir up some Tiki talk time. And still, the best he could come up with is "I want to talk about football on TV." Yeah, that's super. Great choice. Way to go.

OKAY, IT'S MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL TIME!
* That asinine ESPN gimmick where some random celebrity "picks up the helmet" has to go. Although Samuel L. Jackson did it this week, and you know what? I'm ready for some muthafuckin football! And then Hank Williams, Jr. made me realize that I'll never be ready. What a no-talent hick whore. Oh good, he's going to be in the booth. I've officially turned on WFAN radio, which is 5 seconds behind (vs. FOX which is 5 seconds ahead--WTF?). Now I'm listening to Bob Papa, Dick Lynch and Dave Jennings, who just gave some fascinating punt analysis. They're a little homerish, but light years more tolerable than the MNFers.

* Okay, I missed the Plaxico TD. I hear it was pretty.

* LaVar has decided to show up tonight, because reports are that he sacked Bledsoe in the end zone for a safety. Wait, is that confirmed? Are we sure that was him? Hey LaVar, I love your soap, I buy it all the time. Oh, that's LEVER, as in LEVER 2000, the last year LaVar was a factor. See how that works?

* A camera shot of Jerry Jones and Troy Aikman in the booth, stonefaced and emotionless. Man, that looks like a wild duo. Can we get Al Gore in there to lighten up the mood and tell some knock knock jokes?

* Strahan just equaled LT's sack total. Of course, they didn't even invent the "sack" category until LT's second season, so who knows for sure?

* Umenyiora (I finally can spell his name right without looking it up) just got a sack even though Bledsoe threw the pass for the completion. Yeah, this rule is supposed to "protect the QB", but it can sometimes cost you too.

* Dallas fans: "WE WANT ROMO! NOT THE HOMO! WE WANT ROMO! SEND DREW HOMO!"

* On 3rd and inches Eli threw a perfect strike into the end zone, so accurately lobbed that only the defensive back could catch it. NEWMAN. Everytime I think Eli is starting to mature and not make dumb mistakes he flings a ball of feces like that.

* And now LaVar is hurt. Something happened to his left leg and they're carting him off. Thanks for the half a game you played this year. Well done.

You can feel the tide turning now.

* Bledsoe ran and was STOPPED SHORT OF THE END ZONE . . . but naturally it's called a TD, and it's not challenged.

* Tiki fumbled and got hurt on the play (or maybe vice versa), Dallas is going to score again. I think I've watched enough. If Tiki gets knocked out, the G-Men are done. And now Osi is hurt???

I KNEW I wasn't ready for some football.

* Bledsoe is picked off at the end zone by Samuel L. Madison, muthafucka! Dodged the proverbial bullet there. "TAKE OUT THE HOMO! PUT IN ROMO!"

* Jerry Jones is now standing on the sidelines. Are there more than one of him? Oh god I hope not. Is he going to start coaching now? 12-7 G-MEN. What a mess of a first half.

* "ROMO! ROMO! ROMO!" First play, rollout, tipped by Strahan, INTERCEPTION by Pierce, first down on the 14 for the Giants! And the Romo love fest is over. "BLED-SOE! BLED-SOE! BLED-SOE!"

* After Shockey's TD catch made it 19-7, on the ensuing drive T.O. dropped a WIDE OPEN PASS on 4th and 2 at the 30 and his eye on the end zone. What a shame, he seems like such a nice happy-go-lucky lad!

* The Giants are winning but players are getting injured: Osi (groin), LaVar (out), and now Strahan (hammy) and Madison (?). Not to mention Tiki looks like he's a little concussed. Actually, you can't be "a little concussed", you either are or you aren't. Let's just say Tiki's probable "with a head". I like Tiki, but even this ass-kissing MNF is giving them is making me ill. And I trusted the media not to make a big deal about this until after the season! ESPN is slowly killing me.

* Why are they talking to Emmitt Smith? There's a GAME GOING ON HERE, and the Giants are MOVING THE BALL! Can we at least get some live shots of Emmitt dancing with some hot piece of ass?

* Eli runs to the 2, 4th and inches. (Brandon Jacobs. Brandon Jacobs. Brandon Jacobs.) Surprisingly, they had it off to JACOBS and he shakes off about 5 guys to score! That was a monsterous bull rush. 26-7 Giants. What a swing.

UPDATE: Allegedly, LaVar tore his Achilles tendon. It's over for him, just when he was getting started (no one told him it was Week 7).

* Cowboys scored a TD in about 57 seconds. Way to sit back and let them score, Big Blue. Ugh.

* Hey, nice drive of -8 yards, and great job killing some clock (0:52), and giving the ball right back! The Cowboys are going to win this, the G-Men D wore themselves out in the first half, and they're beat up.

* And there's another ROMO INT! Dallas fans, are you sure this is better than Bledsoe? Two G-Men wrestled for that one, and Fred "Tim" Robbins ended up with it. Now, CAN WE KILL SOME G.D. CLOCK PLEASE???

* And they got a Feely FG, give that man a Nat Sherman cigar! 29-15 G-Men.

* HICKORY DICKORY DOCKERY runs back a Romo INT 96 yards for a TD! 36-15 G-Men!

* G-Men win it, 36-22. The Giants notch their FIRST EVER MNF WIN IN DALLAS (it's about time), and are in first place in the NFC East. Now if only they didn't injure half the defense today, I'd feel better about next week . . .