GREAT GREEN NORTH

* Don't ask me why I'm having these strange urges. Maybe it's the return of NHL hockey, but I have the weirdest desire to rent Strange Brew, starring Bob and Doug McKenzie of SCTV fame. It's one of the dumbest movies ever, but it's just so CANADIAN; in fact, Canadians themselves consider it Shakespearian. I even have the cassette copy of the soundtrack which I stole from a friend, which introduced me to the term "pube toupee" (which I haven't heard before or since). Anyway, with the way things are going around here, I might be moving up north. And with global warming, in a few decades Thunder Bay might be as warm as Myrtle Beach.

* Global warming apparently will melt the polar ice caps, and the resulting influx of cold water from the Arctic Circle will block the warm water currents that flow through the north Atlantic Ocean to Europe, lowering the temperature for the entire continent. In other words, global WARMING will make Europe COLDER. Whah? I think it's time to change the name of this so-called phenomenon. Al "Lockbox" Gore, you invented the Interwebs, how about you invent a less stupid term for the media to abuse?

* Martin "Brodeur" Scorsese's new movie The Departed looks great, and it's the first movie in a long time that I might actually go see in the theater. And then I remembered that all the characters have Boston accents, and it will probably just annoy me.

* Yesterday, I finally got to buy some bagged spinach! Whoo hoo! It says on the bag "product of Canada", so it must be fine since there's no such thing as E. coli there. In the off chance this should kill me, please donate my CD collection to the radio stations in the New York area, because they all blow. Not only can the U.S. not make a decent car, we can't even make a decent SALAD.

* Sean "P. Daddy Puffy Diddy Puff Pastry" Combs is changing his name once again. This time it's "P. Diddly Doodily" to profess his love for Ned Flanders. (Stupid sexy Flanders.)

* WARNING: Gold Bond Powder contains menthol and burns your balls. Why don't they put that on the label?